Chapter 818: Merzhin's Hidden Penance

Chapter 818: Merzhin's Hidden Penance

Even in Thameland, the First Apostles interdiction had only reached Uldars Rise, only reaching that distance because Uldars Rise had a uniquely potent connection to the god.

How in all the hells then, was someone supposed to cover all of Thameland with an interdiction?

It would be difficult to include the entire kingdom, Merzhin said. But not impossible. The hidden church was able to make interdictions in a foreign land using consecrated soil from Uldars Rise, according to Alex. If we were to consecrate certain points around Thamelands coast

one could temporarily extend Uldars domain far enough for an interdiction to cover Thamelands borders, Baelin said. You would not be able to eliminate mana in the entire realm, but it could be denied to a single individual within its bordersand likely only a single individual, since it is such a wide areaas long as the interdiction was very focused.

Exactly Merzhin said.

I am no Fool, young Merzhin, the chancellors voice was firm. The amount of divinity that this act would require would be enormous. You would have to channel an ocean's worth of energy through the gate in your soul...causing it to shatter like a dropped egg.

Merzhin went still, seemingly not breathing.

But, thats what you want, isn't it? Alex asked him gently. You're trying to die.

N-no, the Saint said uneasily. I think my soul could handle it. It's just a matter of preparing myself.

No, your soul couldnt handle such an interdiction, Alex shook his head.

What do you know about it? Merzhin glared at the wizards around him.

Isolde stood frozen in place.

Professor Jules had taken a step forward. Merzhin, you cannot

I am the one who has expertise in divinity, the Saint insisted. I have experienced it, unlike the rest of you.

True. Baelin said, patting his own chest. But, I have engaged with more individuals than I can count, who have used divinity, though I have not focused on the art in the same way a devoted practitioner would. And I have studied my enemies in-depth, as a Proper Wizard would.

And I am the most devoted, the Saint fired back. I know divinity, and I know my own soul. I know what I can handle, and what I can't. I can handle this: the Mark of the Saint has empowered me.

Merzhin, not that long ago, you said you couldnt channel interdictions at all, Alex reminded him, continuing to speak in gentle tones. I was there: and now you're telling me you're going to be able to channel an interdiction that'll cover the entire kingdom? The only way I could see that is if you have a plan that involves just letting your soul shatteron purpose. II noticed that whenever you say you'll be safeyou look away from us. Listen, Im not going to let you destroy your own soul.

I he paused. What choice do we have? We need to stop the Ravener, and we need to do everything we can to make sure it doesn't return. What if you use all of your different solutions, and theyre still not enough? What if its connection to Thameland is what lets it regenerate? Better for my soul to be destroyed, rather than for countless generations to keep suffering.

Alexs eyes narrowed through his mask. You're doing this because of Carey, aren't you?

What? What are you

I'd feel guilty too. The General of Thameland put a hand on the smaller mans shoulder. A comforting hand. I'd feel like shit knowing and thinking Id dedicated my entire life to a god who wanted to kill everyone. A god whod made a regenerating horror to make sure people worshipped him to keep him alive. A god that never really cared about me. A dead god. If it wasnt for my dedication to that god, maybe my good friend would still be alive. If thats what you're thinking, well, think again.

Alexs voice grew stern. Carey died for all of us, including you. She wanted you to help us and to heal, not die. You're as much a victim in all of this as the rest of us.

Merzhin slapped Alexs hand away from his shoulder. Tears began to run, visible through the lenses of his mask. His breath sounded ragged. Don't act like you know how it feels! Don't! You don't know how much it hurts!

I don't, Alex said.

Exactly! And have a care for your hypocrisy, Merzhin pushed. The hidden church was tricked just as the rest of us were, and you showed them no sympathy! I do not need it either, because I am the same as them!

No. Youre not! Alexs voice was like the crack of a whip.

Merzhin startled. What do you mean, Im not?

They made their choices. Before we found out Uldar was dead, you were helping us.

It took Careys death to drive me there. Some Saint, I am. My only true friend had to die to allow me to see the light. Merzhin's slight frame trembled.

I Alex startedthen froze.

Some Saint, I am.

Hold on now, he said. Hold on, hold on, just hold on! You dont have to sacrifice yourself, Merzhin!

What? the Saint looked frightened. What are you saying to me!

I don't know, Alex said. For what it's worth, I thinkif you're looking for penanceerasing Uldars evil legacy is about the best penance anyone could ask for.

And peace? Merzhins voice broke. What about peace? How do I live with what I've done?

all I can say is that I don't think Carey found peace because she died, Alex said. I think she found peace in the Traveller. That was her way to peace, but I guess everyone's got their own path to get there.

What was yours? Merzhin asked.

Mine? Alex let out a bitter laugh. I'm not at peace right now. I'm a big ball of worries, anger, excitementjust emotions. Sometimes sorrow. Sometimes grief. I just keep walking forward.

How? Merzhin asked. I have nightmares every night lately. They follow me into my waking moments. My entire existence is guilt and grief.

Alex winced. I've been there.

You have?

My parents died in a fire, Alex said grimly. I saw it.

OhI am sorry, I didnt know that, the Saint said. Normally, I would hear of your troubles and offer you wisdom and comfortas I did with those who came to me when I was still living in the church. But, I don't think I can comfort you or anyone else right now.

Alex shook his head. Its not about you comforting me. I only brought up what happened to my parents to show you that I've been in that dark place too. My pain was in the past, but yours is here and now. We're talking about you; its not about me right now.

Merzhin gave him a wan smile and sniffed. Thank you for that. If only your words were an incantation that could help me feel better.

What do you want, Merzhin? Alex asked then, watching Merzhins body language. You say you want peace and penance, but what does that look like? How would you know that youve found your peace?

I would be able to focus, the Saint said. I wouldnt be listless, and I would have more energy to go forward. My thoughts would not turn to self-destruction, and I couldhave space in my mind to think.

Space in your mind to think Alex paused. I might be able to help you with that. I have a technique that I wish Id known back when I was grieving my parents. It might be able to help you: it helps me get through my own thoughts, and continue with what I have to do.

It sounds like something that could be of benefit to me, Merzhin said. Something I can do.

It's not a magic fix, Alex said. It's just a simple meditation technique, if youre still interested?

I am.

Alright, then I want you to close your eyes, Alex said. What we're going to do is have your soul come to complete rest: thats what I did when I harvested parts of my soul

What? You did what? Merzhin looked at him horrified.

Alex waved the Saints shock away. Nevermind, forget I said that. Anyway, close your eyes. First, I want you to focus your attention on your body. Starting with the crown of your head, I want you to move your attention down. You're going to bring your attention to your eyebrows, then, your eyes, then your mouth, your neck, then to the feeling of your robe on your shoulders, your chest, your legs, and then your feet. Youll feel the weight of your feet in your shoes and as you do, I want you to take a deep breathbreathe in for four seconds, hold the breath for seven seconds, and then breathe out for a count of eight. Alright? What well be doing is called a grounding technique.

Understood, Merzhin said. And what if unwanted thoughts come into my mind?

Acknowledge them, Alex said. Let your mind acknowledge their existence, then let them pass over you like water over rock. Acknowledge them without judgement: a simple, this thought is here is enough. That will help calm the emotion tied to such thoughts. Alright?

Alright, Merzhin said, his eyes closed.

Okay, Alex said. I'll lead you.

With that, the General of Thameland led the Saint through his first meditation and grounding exercise, keeping count of his breaths, guiding his attention over his own body, and bringing him back to the present.

The archwizard performed the exercise as well, both of them breathing as one.

Calm spread through Alexand he noticed Merzhins breathing become more even. His sniffles calmed, his body language relaxed.

After a time, Merzhin opened his eyes.

I feel better, calmer, the Saint sounded surprised. Much better. more at peace.

You're clearing some of the power from your emotions, Alex said. That's what life enforcement practitioners do. A thought struck the General. You might want to do that exercise regularly: and with enough practice, you'll be able to use itall the time. It'll help give you some relief, and calm your soul.

Yescalm the soul, Merzhin said. Perhaps itll be a good way to strengthen my soul-gate as well. Yes, I think I'm going to include it in my daily prayers. He smiled weakly. Thank you, General. I think this will help me greatly

His words abruptly stopped when a blinding light suddenly flared to life on his body, illuminating his robes.

His Markthe Mark of the Saintburned bright, shining like the rays of the sun.