CH 28

Consciousness pulsed itself diagonally over the surface of the water. In the silent darkness, Annette tapped her fingers slowly on the bed.

The world seemed to consist of C minor. Annette quietly hummed Rachmanioff’s Symphony No. 2, C minor, first movement.

Her fingers moved along the chords in her head. A dark, gloomy piano introduction bloomed from her fingertips. The desolate world was soon filled with piano music.

Adagio (heavy and slow) C major introduction, Piu andante (a bit slower) transitional section, Piu allegro (faster)……..

Her hands, which had been moving incessantly, stopped just before she hit the Picardy cadence. The world instantly fell silent.

Annette blinked as she stared into the black void.

‘Why did I live?’

In the brief that came back, she questioned.

She cut herself to death. But she could not die. Was it because she had lived a life with uselessness, leaving it to the servants to open even a bottle cap?

Still, if they had left her alone, she would have died.

Why did she survive?

Who in the world saved her?

The same questions kept repeating in her mouth, one after another. She repeatedly asked herself like a mad person. Why did she live? What was the problem? How on earth could she die?

Rustle.

There was a sound of movement at her feet. It was the nurse who had remained in the room. The nurse looked a little dazed, probably waking up from a nap.

“Hello.”

Annette’s call startled the nurse into standing up. The nurse asked, a little flustered.

“Madam, yes, is there anything you need?”

“Could you please go out for a while?”

“Yes?”

Annette spoke again, a slight smile on her lips.

“Can you please leave?”

“Madam, um, ……”

“I would like to be alone.”

“I’m sorry, madam, but I was told not to leave you…”

The nurse wore the kindest possible smile on her troubled face. Annette smiled as well.

“Still, don’t my rights come first?”

“Madam is in a state of mental instability. I need to be by your side. If there is anything you need, please let me know.”

“I’m fine.”

“But the doctor…”

“Please leave.”

Annette flatly dismissed her. The nurse made a sound of distress and sighed.

“Let me call the person in charge first.”

“No need to call.”

“Still, I’m afraid I’ll have to discuss it with him…oh.”

The nurse who had opened the door to the room took a step back. Annette stared at the door with her eyebrows furrowed. However, she could not see clearly because her eyes had adapted to the darkness.

The nurse mumbled in a surprised voice.

“Commander, why are you here………..”

“What’s going on?”

A familiar deep voice came from outside the room. Annette felt a headache rush over her that she had forgotten about for a while.

“…no…….Madam………”

The nurse informed Heiner of the situation. Heiner answered briefly and stepped into the room.

The nurse nodded as she looked sideways at Annette with worried eyes.

The door closed behind Heiner. The faintly illuminated light was completely dispelled. The room was once again submerged in darkness and silence.

Heiner, who seemed to hesitate for a moment, approached her.

As he got closer, her world of music notes was gradually pushed out of sight.

Heiner moved the chair the nurse had been sitting in closer to the bedside of the bed.

He sat down in the chair and looked at her with a cautious gaze. Annette remained silent with her eyes downcast.

“Annette.”

Her name pronounced in his voice was very unfamiliar, Annette thought.

“…Are you feeling better?”

“…”

“…you are in an unstable state right now. Someone needs to be by your side.”

“….”

“So… to be alone…I won’t know what will happen to you.”

Heiner hesitated like someone who didn’t know what to say. Annette ignored him and asked abruptly.

“Did you find me?”

“…Yes.”

“And did you save me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Annette’s voice was not particularly sharp or aggressive. Instead, her tone sounded innocent. She looked into Heiner’s eyes and asked again.

“Why did you save me?”

Heiner stared at her, speechless.

“Heiner, I am already unhappy enough to die.”

“…”

“…I’m really ‘deadly’ unhappy. It’s as you wanted. I have nothing more to give you.”

“….”

“This was the end of me that you wanted and that I wanted. But you ruined it all.”

A slightly higher toned and clearer voice concluded as such. Annette repeated in a whisper.

“You ruined everything.”

“I ……”

Heiner’s lips moved in a laugh-cry expression, spitting it out.

“I messed up? What the hell? So you’re saying I should have let you die?”

“You should have.”

“I never wanted it to end like this.”

“Then what in the world did you want?”

Annette struggled to raise herself up. Heiner grabbed her gently by the shoulders and restrained her.

“Don’t get up.”

Shaking his hand off, Annette finally got up. A throbbing pain spread throughout her left arm, but she didn’t care.

“So, Heiner, what in the world did you want?”

Annette continued speaking matter-of-factly.

“To repeat the last three years until we die? What’s the point? We’re only going to suffer. At least I didn’t think of that.”

“Seriously, I’ve never thought of a conclusion like this, not even once.” (H)

It was truly — an odd sound.

To wish a certain human being bottomless misery, but not to assume that they would choose death.

“You didn’t see me as a decent human being.” (A)

Heiner had completely overlooked the fact that Annette also had a choice between life and death. Annette laughed bitterly.

“That’s worse than wanting me dead, Heiner.” (A)

His eyes widened slightly. Heiner opened his mouth as if to say something, let out an unsteady breath, and closed it again. Silence descended. Heiner’s hands moved intermittently. After several attempts, he finally let out a word.

“I …..” His voice trembled terribly. “I don’t want you to die.”

Annette felt his voice was far away. Heiner repeated it as if he were reciting a poem.

“I don’t want that.”

****

Two afternoons later, Ansgar Stetter asked for an interview.

Originally, as soon as he heard the news that Annette had awakened, he visited her at the official residence that day.

But he had to go back, leaving her with only a short note, for reasons of her stability.

Heiner sent Ansgar back the next day he came. He did not even tell Annette about the visit.

Annette was able to receive the note that Ansgar had left on the first day, two days later.

[I heard that you are not able to see me at the moment. I hope to be able to greet you as usual. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.

—Ansgar Stettter.]

Annette looked at the note with a tasteless face. She did not dislike Ansgar. Rather, he was an old friend with only good memories.

But some relationships were better left in the past. To Annette, Ansgar was like that.

They were able to maintain a good relationship because of “the situation and” the background they were in at the time.

Now everything had changed. Annette knew she could not go back to the same relationship she had before with him.

Still, she accepted Ansgar’s request for a meeting because she liked him as a human being anyway.

She also felt sorry for the Ansgar family to some extent. Of course Annette gave him a hard time “as a friend.”

She did not feel obligated to confide in him. So she was not sorry about this.

Annette tidied her messy hair as she looked in the hand mirror. Since she was in no condition to go down to the parlor, she had no choice but to meet Ansgar in her room.

A skinny woman was reflected in the mirror as large as the palm of her hand. Annette removed a lock of hair that clung to her forehead.

She felt like looking in a mirror for the first time in a long time. As she looked in the mirror absentmindedly, she suddenly heard a knock at the door.

“Annette, I’m coming in.”

Ansgar’s voice echoed outside the door. Annette answered as she placed the mirror on the side table.

“Come in.”

The door opened with a creak. Ansgar walked in, his ears red from the cold. He took off his hat and raised one hand.

“Annette.”

“Welcome, Ansgar. Is it very cold outside?”

Ansgar nodded and sat down across from her.

“It’s gotten much colder. The wind is very chilly.”

“Would you like some hot tea?”

“No, I’m fine…How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

The conversation stopped short. Annette smiled casually at him as if nothing had happened. Ansgar did the same.