CH 37

“How’s it going lately, Heiner?”

The doctor asked as he walked in through the white curtains and sat down next to Heiner. He replied curtly.

“Same as usual.”

“Is it? You look a little different to my eyes.”

“In what way?”

“Just oddly.”

The doctor chuckled and pulled the needle out of Heiner’s arm. Heiner turned his arm a few times, having used to it, and stood up.

It was a drug therapy for emotional suppression. Whether it really works, but it was one of the essential procedures that all trainees must undergo.

Heiner stared at the empty syringe for a moment, then bowed his head.

“I’ll  leave now.”

“Heiner.”

“Yes.”

“Don’t push yourself too hard.”

“Huh?”

The doctor didn’t immediately answer Heiner’s question. He slowly opened his mouth, staring a little farther away, not at Heiner.

“I’ve been working here for 12 years. During that time, I’ve never seen a single trainee who ended up with a good ending.The very act of wishing for something is toxic to you.”

Heiner looked at the doctor, hiding his confusion. The doctor was almost the only one of the adults who treated the trainees like human beings, but that didn’t mean he was suddenly a great man to say this.

“I meant that you need to take it easy.”

The doctor, his back to the white curtains, smiled faintly. Heiner didn’t answer, but kept his eyes down. He could not answer anything recklessly here.

The doctor was found hanged the next day.

***

The doctor’s body was taken off the island. He was from a lower class aristocratic family, had never married, kept his family name, and returned to his family.

If the doctor had been found by the instructors in the first place, the trainees would have received a new doctor without even knowing that he had died. Fortunately or unfortunately, however, it was a fourth-year trainee who discovered the dead doctor.

And then that trainee disappeared one day. No one brought his absence to the surface. Nothing had changed.

The very act of wishing for something is poison to you. Heiner sometimes recalled the doctor’s words.

The seasons changed twice. In the cold winter, solitary training, which came every six months, began.

In fact, it was a bit exaggerated to name the training. It was simply the confinement of a trainee in a room for three days.

In solitary confinement, there was no light, no one to talk to, nothing to read. After a certain period of time in a space that was closed to the influx of new information, one’s psyche became weak.

At this time, brainwashing education allowed trainees to absorb the relevant information like a sponge. They would think of it as information that they “thought up” on their own, rather than information that “came in” from the outside.

Thus, the trainees were all brainwashed to some degree. This was also the reason why there was little questioning or rebellion against the anti-human rights regime on the island itself.

Heiner was no different. He had never considered the gap to be unreasonable or unfair, even while looking at the Marquis’ glamorous residence.

It was only after seeing the girl that Heiner first felt miserable about his situation.

Why am I like this while you are infinitely clean, virtuous, and beautiful? I was not born wanting to be born like this, but it happened.

I wish I had been born in a certain decent family.

So I could talk to you like your equals. I know you will smile kindly and accept me. We might have a longer talk…………..

The end of the thought always resulted in a cruel reality.

She was the only daughter of Marquis Dietrich, who ruled and wielded power over the fertile southern territories, and Heiner was one of the orphaned chess pieces who had died countless times in the training camp.

The more he thought about the girl, the lower and unhappier he became.

Nevertheless, in the solitary confinement, Heiner thought about her constantly.

There was nothing else to think about. That was all. In the lonely, cold room, he thought about her over and over again. He recalled the piano piece of which he did not even know the title.

Little by little his sense of reality became dull. Something was created, disintegrated, and reassembled.

In the boy’s head, lying crouched in the corner of his cell, the little Rosenberg girl knew him.

The girl of noble status greeted him with a smile. She asked him how he was and if he was all right where he was injured.

It was funny. Heiner did not even know the girl’s voice.

She was wearing a white dress that was long to her knees. With her hands behind her back, she raised her head slightly and stared up at him. Her little lips moved gently.

‘What do you like most these days?’

Heiner answered in a daze.

‘The piano….’

‘Piano? You can play the piano?’

‘No. I like piano music.’

‘Really? I’m learning to play the piano! What song do you like best?’

‘Anything.’

‘Anything?’

‘Anything.’

‘Would you like me to play something?’

‘…… I’d like that.’

The little girl ran to the piano and sat down on a chair. Heiner followed her. The surrounding scene pushed and changed along with his steps. White curtains fluttered in the wind. He knew this place.

It was the piano practice room he had seen through the window curtains.

‘I bet you’d like this song, too.’

The girl who spoke with a smile turned her head toward the piano. Her white hands fell slowly on the keys.

A quiet, beautiful melody bloomed from her fingertips. It was a tune that had been playing from a broken music box a long time ago.

The scent of roses in the garden wafted in through the open window.

Heiner did not hide himself in the grass like before. He was standing near the girl. They were very close.

He could see the girl’s shiny blond hair up close, her soft cheeks, her fingers swimming over the keys. There, he was the girl’s only audience.

Just as she was his only pianist.

Heiner awoke from his dream.

***

“Each man has a different use, but God did not create useless men. But orphans like you and your peers, criminals and beggars, do not contribute in any way, but rather devour society. Don’t you think it is absurd?”

“…..”

“There will always be a need for resocialization for such people, and this training center has taken on that role. To make useless beings like you into necessary beings.”

“….”

“Then it remains to be seen exactly ‘what’ use you’re for, but I’ll point it out. There is a common misconception that pacifists, stupid and foolish, often make. That “a no-war situation is peace.”

“….”

“That is incorrect. War is exactly peace. To have the power to defend one’s homeland, to make sure that no one can target one’s homeland through war, to achieve a long and stable peace. That is true peace.”

“….”

“So in the end, you will be very useful people for the peace of your homeland. The country is there to help you do that. And you are obligated to be grateful and obedient to it.”

The instructor spoke of the consequences of people who were disobedient and who obeyed.

Those who could not withstand torture and interrogation during espionage and disclosed confidential information. Those who distributed disturbing documents to the private sector.

Those who organized illegal groups. Those who instigated and participated in strikes.

Heiner heard for a long time how stupid, vicious, and contingent they were. During that time he took several oaths and signed several pledges.

The oil lamp flashed a couple of times. The instructor’s face was half hidden in shadow and only his mouth was visible. Heiner sat in a hard iron chair and fidgeted with his hands.

Ding.

Ding.

Ding.

Outside, the spire clock struck the hour. The trainees could not check the time here. It could only be known from outside information.

The oil lamp blinked once more. The instructor smiled and announced.

“It’s three o’clock. Good work.”

***

Winter rain fell that day.

Wet grass was trampled underfoot. Heiner walked closer to the white building, breaking through the overgrown leaves.

The windows of the practice room were closed today, and he could only listen to the performance by listening very closely. He moved somewhat recklessly closer.

The faint music sound played in his ears.

It was a somewhat lonely melody, appropriate for a rainy day.

Heiner stared blankly inside while leaning on the window frame.The girl had her eyes closed. Her profile looked very small and lonely as she played the tune.

He couldn’t take his gaze away from her profile, knowing that it was just an illusion that the music was giving him.

Heiner felt a tremendous sense of familiarity. It was an extraordinary, truly impossible familiarity. He wasn’t sure if the music captivated him or if she captivated him.

Cold raindrops fell from the sky and the constant melody echoed in his ears.

Heiner, who was about to remove his hands from the window frame, hesitated for a moment. His forearm that was exposed under his rolled-up sleeve still bore the marks of the injection.