CH 53

As soon as his men left the office, Heiner immediately picked up the phone. He turned the dial on the switchboard as he was accustomed to doing, without even checking the number.

The ringing went on for a long time. Heiner tapped the desk with the tip of his finger and waited for the connection.

After a rather long wait, the call was connected. He heard a man’s voice, sounding a little out of breath.

[—— yes, Brunner that—oh my! Olivia! Don’t touch that!!!]

“…”

[Hello, wait a minute!]

There was a clatter from the other end of the receiver. Heiner endured the long commotion on the other end without changing his expression. After a while, the man took the call again.

[ha, sorry. This is Bruner Grott. Who is this?]

“My name is Heiner Valdemar.”

[Ah, Your Excellency! It’s been a long time since we spoke. How are you? I heard about your victory. You’re really amazing! Haha! We’re all honored—]

“Thank you. Can I speak to you about Annette?”

Heiner replied extremely clerical and asked. Bruner said, “Oh,” in a slightly hesitant tone.

[Shall I call Catherine then? My wife knows more about Annette than I

do………]

“Then I would appreciate it.”

He didn’t sound grateful at all, but Bruner didn’t particularly care, and spoke a little more about congratulations and thanks for this victory.

[My wife is upstairs, please wait a moment.]

Heiner held the receiver and looked at the map on the wall. His gaze remained on the Montiore area, where the Western Front was located.

While he waited for Catherine, he brooded over the words of his men. Front lines. Field hospital. A war nurse …..Dry laughter escaped his lips. The woman wasn’t even stationed at a local hospital but at the frontline.

The frontline.

How could that woman be on the frontline? It was not even a cold joke.

Attacking buildings bearing the emblem of a hospital or clinic was morally forbidden. But it was only an international morality and was not specified in any official agreement or international law.

Nor could shells avoid only field hospitals, even if there was no intention to attack there. The frontline was a hell island full of bullets and dropped bombs exploding everywhere.

Civilians were dying at random, and the danger of chasing after troops, even front-line military nurses, was increased.

But the woman said she was there.

[Phone changed. Catherine Grott here].

“…this is Heiner. I’m going to start with the main subject. I heard a story.”

Heiner asked coldly, having finally exhausted all patience in waiting for Catherine.

“It was news that Annette is on the Western Front as a field nurse. I don’t seem to have received anything from you about that.”

Only silence crossed from the other end of the receiver. Heiner’s jaw tightened. He asked again, in a gloomy voice, warningly.

“Did I hear it correctly?”

[….]

“Is Annette at your house right now?”

[Annette is not at home.]

Catherine answered, terribly nonchalant.

[She must be at the frontline. As you heard.]

“You ……”

His mouth dropped open in amazement. A blue vein stood out on Heiner’s neck. He shouted, clutching the receiver,  almost breaking it.

“Have you gone crazy?”

[…]

“Did you watch the woman go there with your eyes open? You should have reported it to me right away! I’m sure I would have —-!”

[Your Excellency.]

Catherine had a calm but determined voice, at odds with Heiner, roamed his ears.

[It’s her life.]

Heiner was momentarily speechless.Catherine continued  calmly.

[It’s up to her to live however life she wishes.The only reason I have ever reported to Your Excellency about Annette is because I saw the need to do so. In case of Annette’s unstable condition, or any threat to her person, etc.]

“Personal threats? Isn’t Annette’s presence on the frontline a threat to her safety?”

[It was her choice.]

“If you think about it that way, it was also her choice that she was going to die…!”

[No, Sir. Annette did not go there to die.]

After a brief interval, Catherine slowly clarified like someone reporting very important classified information.

[She went there to live.]

“….”

Heiner let out a quiet, rough breath as he grabbed the desk. His knuckles were white on the back of his hand.There was some silence.

“That woman……..”

He counter-questioned, half out of conversation, and half with sincere curiosity.

“Annette told you she went there to ………. live?”

[Yes, to live.]

[No, it can’t be. No way …..she doesn’t have that kind of courage. So neither the courage to live, nor the courage to make that choice to live………….”

The words, which were somewhat slurred, became more blurred as they went on to the end. Heiner wasn’t sure even as he spoke.

He had always thought Annette was a weak woman. A woman who did not have the courage to die, or to live properly for that matter. A woman who passed her life helplessly without being able to do anything without the power and wealth that supported her.

So he never once assumed the end. Even as he dragged her to the bottom he never once considered the idea that she would choose death.

“Seriously, I had never considered this conclusion, not even once.”

He had never thought… 

“You never saw me as a decent human being.”

That she was such a person………

[Annette is a person who can take responsibility for her own choices. Your Excellency doesn’t seem to know that yet].

“…”

[Before leaving, Annette said to me, “Help me to be a better person.”]

“….”

For some reason, he felt like he was going to throw up. He involuntarily lifted his hand from the desk and pressed the back of it to his lips.

[I do not know exactly what happened between Your Excellency and Annette. But I dare judge that …… Your Excellency seems to love her, perhaps.”]

Love?

Was it love?

This was not love. Heiner knew he had no heart.

It was something out of the normal range of his own emotions. This could not be love.

Just as Annette’s feelings for him were not love, his feelings for Annette were not it either.

[Sir, if you really love Annette, or at least as a human to human, please respect her choice.]

This was nothing more than a sticky mass of very old, rotten, dregs of a heart. 

Just dirty and ugly …………..

It was something like that.

***

“Anne.”

“Why?”

“How do you know that you love your lover?”

“What, out of the blue, Heiner, did you get a woman?”

“Maybe.”

“What, did you really get a girl? Hey, no. I feel sorry for the woman already.”

“How do you know?”

“Well …… how do I know? I just feel good, that’s all.”

“How exactly do you know it’s good?”

“Specifically? It’s just that, well, it feels good to be with that person, and being around him makes me feel like a better person, and the world looks more beautiful when we’re together, and, well, that’s just how it is, ugh.”

“It sounds stupid just hearing about it.”

“Why do we fight about this again? But when you love someone, you do a lot of stupid things.”

“And you still want to carry on?”

“Yes.”

Why?”

“Well, just ……”

“…”

“Love makes me a better person.”

A glimpse of golden hair glimmered on the second floor window. Heiner turned and stood still for a moment, head raised. The cold winter wind bit into his collar.

It was foolish.

There was no reason to come all the way here in person. It would have been better to let someone else do the job of delivering the alimony. No, that was what he should have done.

It was really a waste of time. Especially since it was this time of  the year. The woman didn’t even come out and check it in person.

‘Still…’

His eyes staring at the golden hair gradually darkened. A white breath escaped his lips.

How foolish he was to think that seeing a glimpse of her face passing by the window was enough.

Heiner was barely able to control his legs which had wanted to rush to the house. He knew that the moment he did it, there would be no going back. He had a place he had to return to.

Soon he had to head for the command post near the front lines. He looked down at his empty hand for a moment. In those hands, the lifelines of countless people were held.

He raised his head again, clenching his fists. One corner of his chest throbbed painfully.

He rather wished that time would stop like this.

You’re right there.

I am just standing like this, facing you. Like that sometime ago when a young boy watched you impatiently from afar… Even if this is not love.

“But when you start to love someone, you do a lot of stupid things.”

“……I guess there’s at least one thing like that.”

Heiner murmured bitterly. Before long, he couldn’t even see her shadow at the window.

Hesitating for a moment, he slowly turned his feet. In the place where he left, only the cold, dry air lingered like scattering snow.