-Not a SI, just wanted to post another KonoSuba fic and it's even completed~ Author managed to make the fic feel like the source material, and now i'm suspecting him of actually being the author of KonoSuba lol.
Sypnosis: Because accelerated plot progression is to FanFiction as long titles starting with 'RE:' are to Light Novels. Kazuma and his vibrant cohorts, through their primary means of victory: sheer luck and guile, somehow manage to kill the Devil King, who just happened to be around in the neighborhood. Humorous ramifications abound. COMPLETE
Rated: T
Words: 412K
Posted on: m.fanfiction.net/s/12593394/1/RE-We-Defeated-the-Devil-King-But-Now-Our-Daily-Life-is-Compromised (BoringBone)
PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (´ー｀)
-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)
Chapter 1-2 (exceptional)
Part 1
It was noon and I had woken up with a hangover from our festivities the previous night. We had just arrived in Axel and we were celebrating our safe return from the city of Axis-cultist freaks, Alcanretia, and our victory against Hans, the giant poison slime.
The girls were lounging in the living room, engaging in activities of varying levels of productivity. Darkness and Megumin were enriching their intellect with books. Darkness with a technical guide about business deals, a reading likely related to her duties as a daughter of Dustiness, while Megumin was reading an encyclopedia of arcane knowledge.
Aqua, however, was idling away, lying sprawled on the sofa. That disinterested demeanor of hers reminded me too much of my NEET days and I cringed at the recollection.
"Oi, sit properly, you sloppy goddess. You don't have a monopoly on the couch."
When I received no response, I started gathering Drain Touch magic in my palms. Aqua immediately rectified her behavior.
"I'm sorry about that, Kazuma-san. Please, take a seat."
This arrogant goddess could switch to a subservient attitude with rapid ease.
I turned to Megumin, who was in charge of making lunch that day.
As if sensing my intentions, without looking up from her book, she said, "There's some beef curry rice for you in the kitchen."
I had a bout of nostalgia as my parents had interacted in much the same way as Megumin and I had done, my father wordlessly inquiring about the food, my mother sensing this and describing the meal she cooked, and my father would reply with, 'Thanks, dear'.
I was tempted to reply to Megumin in much the same way, but the book in her hands was big and heavy and I knew that she wouldn't hesitate to throw it at me.
I was about to head to the kitchen when Darkness suddenly coughed.
Thinking it to be a non-event, I kept walking but she coughed again with deliberate intention.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"You had some sort of meaningful interaction and banter with the other two, but you completely neglected me."
She seemed to be complaining but she didn't sound too offended.
I tried to summon a witty retort but the whole routine with Darkness could drag on forever if you let it, and I was too hungry and hungover to care.
I didn't bother to reply and headed to the kitchen. I saw the curry on the table and there was still some steam rising from it. The curry was good and Megumin was certainly talented as a cook, but her frugal tendency to choose inexpensive alternatives to conventional ingredients kept her meals from becoming truly delicious.
As I was eating, I contemplated about how to spend my day.
Should I patrol the streets of Axel once more, as a good citizen should do?
However, people called me a loitering NEET the last time I did that, completely misunderstanding my altruistic intentions.
Instead, maybe I could spend the day with Dust, or observe the amusing antics of Yunyun, or I could pull a prank on the police officers who had treated me so well during the whole bomb teleporting fiasco.
Well, regardless of what I set out to do, there were certain appointments I had throughout the day that seemed to become, over time, permanent fixtures in my daily life. I refer to events such as my Explosion routine with Megumin, my afternoon socialization with my fellow lonely bachelors in the guild, and finally, my nightly visit to that shop.
In the former world, I would have criticized such an eventful and fulfilling 'normie' lifestyle, but now that I experienced life beyond image boards and MMO'S I began to acclimate to it.
It was kind of strange, how I'd develop such an eventful yet typical everyday life in a parallel, fantasy world.
And some days, life in Axel seemed to be more normal than my previous life on Earth.
But this day was not one of those fulfilling, normal days.
"Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Intruder alert!"
Aqua was bellowing this from the living room.
She really was an idiot, screaming like that. If there was indeed an intruder, what was the point of letting them know that we were aware of their presence?!
However, Aqua likely sensed an unknown presence in our property through the means of her barrier, which had acute radar-like capabilities. Even if it was that unreliable Aqua, we had to take her warnings seriously.
We rushed out and only Megumin had the time and opportunity to equip herself, grabbing her staff, which she inappropriately stashed away in a container meant for umbrellas.
"Where is he Aqua?" Darkness said.
"In the courtyard. Ugh! Be careful! I sense a powerful presence…"
Aqua had scrunched up her face in an unnecessary exertion of focus, and she had her fingers pressed up to her temples in a pantomime of a cliched sensor-type character. She was having fun with this commotion.
We found the supposed intruder by our laundry line. We all collectively gasped.
His appearance, two black horns, crimson armor, and a pair of large bat-like wings, categorized him immediately in the bad guy classification.
But what was really surprising was that he had Darkness's panties in his grasp, his free hand reaching for Megumin's panties, which were hanging from our makeshift clothesline that was Aqua's staff.
Such an intimidating looking guy now had an ecstatic countenance as he played with the pilfered panties.
Silence.
"What are you doing with my panties, you creep?" Darkness said.
This glutton for punishment, for once, seemed like she wanted to deal out the punishment instead of receiving it.
"Oi, either I have the police arrest you for s.e.x.u.a.l crimes or I cast Explosion on you point blank. I'll let you choose your punishment, pal."
And this Explosion addicted little girl was mouthing off some pretty dangerous threats.
"Not like I care, but why isn't he interested in my panties at all?"
Let's not pay heed to this worthless goddess.
As for me, I kept silent. This guy was undeniably 'last boss' material, though I was basing this assumption on his appearances alone.
Then again, that a 'last boss' type would go out of his way to steal the panties of young girls was sort of absurd.
"Eh? How are you four seeing me right now? I casted the most powerful illusion magic on myself before doing this…"
"The barrier I set up around this house can dispel illusion magic. Fufu. My abilities are obviously way superior to yours!"
Aqua gloated before this dangerous looking enemy without any apprehension.
"Hmm, to think that I'd find such a capable Arch Priest here in Axel. Then again, someone like me is fooling around in this city, too, so I guess such freak occurrences do occur sometimes.
He scrutinized the members of our party, eyes settling on Aqua who had needlessly given away our element of surprise by gloating about her powers. I noticed that he was scrutinizing me as well, with more interest than I expected and was comfortable with.
Still observing me, he said, "You have black hair and black eyes. You wouldn't be one of those heroes, would you?"
I had a feeling that those 'heroes' were the Japanese who were resurrected here with cheat items.
"Nope. Definitely not. Not at all."
"What's your name, boy?"
If I told him a Japanese sounding name, then he might associate me with the other Japanese adventurers. And then he'd say something like "I'll kill you right now while you're still weak" or worse, he'll say "I'll make sure that you can never birth any future heroes" and then proceed to emasculate me in the surest way possible.
"His name is Satou Kazuma, what's it to ya?"
Did this retarded goddess have a grudge against me or something?!
"I see. Indeed, you resemble those heroes, which means that you must have a powerful magical item yourself. That makes you dangerous. In fact, if I remember correctly, the legendary hero of past also had the name 'Satou'. Perhaps you are a descendant of his?"
This guy didn't know that 'Satou' was a fairly common surname back in Japan...
"Actually, my name is Mitsurugi Kyouya," I said.
For some reason, I used that good-looking normie as a scapegoat, even though he had a Japanese sounding name himself.
I think the mentality was that if I went down, at least I'd be taking a 'hot guy' like him with me.
"You mean that Cursed Sword user?! Then, while I have the chance, I'll make sure that you never birth any future heroes, Mitsurugi Kyouya!"
I scurried behind Darkness's reliably indestructible frame. "Protect me Darkness! This guy intends to cut off the most important part of my body!"
"W-What?! This guy is planning to cut off your right hand?! Men like Kazuma, who have no way of charming women with natural means, have a very great need for their dominant hands!"
There was no insult so severe as the undiluted truth.
Nonetheless, Darkness, who seemed to be knowledgeable in all sorts of things excluding an essential understanding of common sense, seemed to be misunderstanding something.
Darkness was of no help. I turned to Megumin. "Pubertal and emotionally vulnerable girls like you tend to fall for any guy they have the most interaction with, and that would be me, right? So you're hopelessly in love with me, right? My love-sick minion, protect me if you want any of my babies in the future!"
"W-What the hell are you…?! This presumptuous bastard! Forget this other guy, I'll chop your balls off myself!"
Megumin swung her staff at me with lethal force behind it, but I hid behind Darkness, who eagerly absorbed the blow.
Meanwhile, Aqua was approaching that dangerous guy.
"For awhile now, I've noticed this really terrible smell coming from you, you know? You stink! You stink way worse than Wiz and that masked Devil freak!"
"You've met Wiz and Vanir? What is your relationship with them?"
If this guy didn't seem dangerous enough, he had just admitted to knowing Wiz and Vanir. This guy could be directly involved with the Devil King, or he could be...
Aqua seemed to take this guy's inquiry seriously and gave it deliberate thought. "W-Well, a divine individual such as I is forbidden from perjury and false witness. So I will tell you the truth. I guess you could say that Wiz and that Devil and I, we are...casual acquaintances, or something like that...but nothing more, got it?! It's not like we're friends or anything!"
Where did this tsundere come from?!
But, at that moment, the meek Aqua who reluctantly admitted to her cordial relationship with the two former Devil King generals, was admittedly very cute.
I am ashamed to admit that my heart fluttered for Aqua, just for a second.
"What kind of phony Arch-Priest is friends with a Lich and a Devil?"
He made an excellent point.
"Don't underestimate me! I can kill those two whenever I want!"
"Then why don't you?"
Another excellent point.
This guy seemed to be enjoying teasing Aqua. Not that I could fault him. That was one of my favorite past-times, too.
"Hmph. Kazuma tells me that I should let them live because they are in charge of protecting the barriers around the Devil King's fortress, or whatever. After we kill all the Devil King army's generals, then that Lich and that Devil will deactivate the barrier, and then we will storm the Devil King's fortress and lay siege to it! Well, isn't it an amazing plan or what? Kazuma is a really smart and dangerous guy! He's defeated so many Devil King generals already, including that poison-or-whatever creature named Hans! If I was the Devil King, I'd come to Axel and personally assassinate Kazuma while he's still fairly low leveled!"
I was certain that this worthless goddess must have held a great grudge against me.
Maybe it was because of that time I stole a bottle of fancy wine she had been looking forward to drinking, and then I disguised myself as a wine merchant and sold the wine to her for a price worth more than what she initially bought it for.
After Aqua's outburst, there followed a great stretch of silence.
"Um, you guys do know that I'm the Devil King, right?"
I was once again reminded that this world, contrary to expectations, did not adhere to the linear progression of RPG's.
This was the kind of world where you'd provoke a random encounter with a Devil King in a city meant to acclimate newbie adventurers.
And then, for some inexplicable reason, you'd find him in your backyard fiddling with your female comrades' underwear.
Seriously, what is wrong with this world?!
I knew that my party members, who had a tendency to panic in crucial moments, would completely freeze up if I gave them time to render all the new information.
Before that happened, I needed to overload their respective thought processes with rapid instructions.
"Megumin, begin casting Explosion. Darkness escape with Aqua and protect her even if it kills you."
Darkness looked at me and then at the Devil King and then, clouded somewhat in an uncertain daze, she picked up Aqua in her arms and started running away.
I rushed up to the Devil King and casted Steal. His armor, which was apparently a one piece type, materialized in my arms. It was heavy so I dropped it. Then I dove to the Devil King and wrapped my arms around him in a tackle-like grip. I intended to have him fall along with my momentum but his strength stat far surpassed mine. Without pausing, I used all of my mana in casting a super powered Drain Touch. I didn't collapse from the mana exhaustion as the Devil King's abundant mana flowed through and replenished my reserves.
"W-What?! This is a Lich Skill! How did you...that Wiz! She said that she wouldn't intervene!"
The Devil King tried to move but the super powered, full-body contact Drain Touch was rapidly sapping his energy.
"It hurts!" he said. "This my first time (experiencing physical pain in combat) and it huuuuurtsss!"
His speech kind of slurred during an important part so this position of me tightly embracing him was incredibly suggestive!
"Kazuma, I'm done chanting. I can cast Explosion right now," Megumin said.
"OK. Do it."
"Eh?! We will both die too, you know?! Especially you! And Darkness is still in range, she'll die too. I've leveled up my Explosion since the fight with Vanir, you know?!"
"Will Aqua survive?"
"Yeah, she will, if Darkness protects her, but…"
"Then just do it! If there's one thing that worthless goddess is good for, it's resurrection magic!"
"Wait, did you say goddess?! No, that blue hair...don't tell me…?!"
The Devil King managed to get an arm free. He punched my face.
"Kazuma, Kazuma, your whole face is caved in!"
As I was about to fall unconscious due to the pain of having my face collapsed, I felt all the mana in the area gather into the spot above me and the Devil King.
"Damnit, for me, the Devil King, to die like this…!"
The gathered mana was descending upon us.
"Wait, don't you want to hear my back story first?! After my wife divorced me, I've fallen into a state known as the 'midlife crisis' and since then I've been engaging in all sorts of juvenile acts in an attempt to relive my days as a reckless youth. Since then, I've been going around my fortress and s.e.x.u.a.lly harassing my female subordinates...stealing panties, flipping skirts, using the most powerful scrying magic to observe them while they are taking a bath...it was all so much fun! But recently, I got in trouble with a certain big b.r.e.a.s.ted magician in my employ and so now I have to take my acts of perversion elsewhere. Hence why I am here now. Well to be honest with you, I came to Axel to visit Wiz. Hehehehehe, I missed Wiz so much! Did you know? The reason Wiz retired from the Devil King army was because of the constant workplace s.e.x.u.a.l harassment she had to endure from me and the Dullahan, Verdia…"
"We didn't need to know your pitiful life story! Please, just shut up and die with dignity!"
This guy's tendency to completely perv out reminded me way too much of myself and I didn't feel too good about that for some reason!
"Kazuma, I-I'm really gonna do it! I'm not going to chicken out, if you're counting on that! You can stop me now if you want to change your mind!"
Megumin said this as she was quivering. She couldn't even stand up properly and was leaning on her staff for support.
"Who are you trying to convince, me, or yourself?! I thought that you were a great magician this and the number one in Axel that. If you don't back up all that haughty talk with proof then you're nothing but a fraud, you delusional loli!"
That seemed to break her out of her apprehension. Megumin straightened herself and flicked her cape. And her eyes were glowing crimson.
"How dare you insult me! Insulting my prowess is the same as insulting my lineage and race! Fine, I will show you the ultimate power of the Crimson Demons!"
I had witnessed Megumin's magic activate many times and I could feel that the Explosion was looming.
She raised her arms in the sky and then let it fall in a chopping motion to the direction of the incapacitated Devil King.
"Hear me, Devil King! I am Megumin! The number one Arch-Wizard in Axel! One who wields Explosion magic! I have overcome many tribulations to reach the epitome of my craft, and you shall witness my full power! I am the bone of my sword! The hammer of my infinite destiny, oh, the beautiful distortion of my wicked soul, shall cruelly extinguish your..."
The Devil King punched my face once more.
"Megumin, get on with it!"
"...your brittle existence! Here it comes! My beloved...EXPLOSION!
The last thing I saw was the clear, blue sky.
It was a beautiful day.
Then the sky was swallowed by the golden flares of Megumin's Explosion.
And then we, the Devil King and our rag tag group, was devoured by the flames.
With the Devil King in my arms, I felt how his body slowly disintegrated.
"Damn you, Mitsurugi Kyouya! When I come back as a specter from hell, I will scour the earth for you and destroy you!"
Maybe I shouldn't have used Mitsurugi's name.
Part 2
Megumin, Darkness, and I awoke in a familiar room. The goddess, Eris-sama, was seated in front of us.
She smiled gently and raised her arms towards us. "Brave adventurers, allow me to commend you on your valiant…"
Darkness rushed towards Eris-sama and fell to one knee, and she sort of drifted along the floor a little, and the spot where she initially fell received multiple deep cracks radiating from it. "Eris-sama, it is an honor to be in your holy presence!"
Eris, who was not an egomaniac like Aqua, began to feel fl.u.s.tered at Darkness's reverence.
"Um, there's no need for such formalities, Darkness."
'Formalities' was an understatement.
"You know my name?!"
"Fufu. Of course I do. I've always been watching over you, Darkness."
Darkness was crying tears of joy. "If meeting Eris-sama requires the condition of death, then I will gladly die a thousand times!"
"P-Please don't do that."
Megumin was equally enamored with Eris-sama, specifically, her eyes were gravitated to a particular part of Eris-sama's divine anatomy. "Um, Eris-sama, an arch-priest teammate of mine always says that Eris-sama pads her b.r.e.a.s.ts..."
"Geez, that Aqua-senpai...um, I mean, no, I don't wear pads…"
"No, I refuse to believe that such a slender body can support those jugs. Please tell me where I can purchase such effectively deceptive b.r.e.a.s.t pads."
Darkness unsheathed her sword and raised it against Megumin. "You dare blaspheme in the presence of Eris-sama?! Even if it's Megumin, as an Eris cultist I…"
I wedged myself between Darkness and Megumin. "Wait, there's really more pressing matters at hand here." I turned to Eris-sama. "Can you check up on Aqua and see if she's making any progress in resurrecting us?"
Eris nodded. Her eyes took on a detached look. After a few seconds, her gaze refocused. "Aqua-sen...I mean, Aqua-san has scavenged half of Darkness's body. Megumin-san's head, and somehow Kazuma-san's...erm, private parts have remained intact..."
"Take that, Devil King! My manhood lives!"
"We actually did it! We defeated the Devil King!"
"Fufu. Now that the position is open, perhaps I, the great Megumin, should take up the Devil King's mantle as supreme ruler and tyrant? The crimson demon blood in me boils at the possibility."
Did we really do it? That easily?
These surreal thoughts occupied my mind.
We defeated the Devil King, and there was no need for arduous treks to the boss's lair and fighting his henchmen in solo battles filled with backstory and exposition. There were no delays, no tournament arcs, no fillers. The final boss literally delivered himself to our door step and we killed him in under a minute of fighting.
That's right, this wasn't like the stories in anime and manga. I wasn't like the dense protagonists who'd allow their enemies to compose themselves in battle for the sake of 'honor' and 'pride'. I'd strike whenever an opportunity presented itself to me.
I was the type of guy who'd use Steal to strip the Devil King off of his equipment while ordering a fourteen year old girl to unleash the most powerful spell in existence, point blank, to kill the enemy along with herself and her best friends.
To defeat evil, fight with equal malice…
"Now then, it is time to impart on you victorious adventurers the ultimate reward for defeating the Devil King!"
I had almost forgotten about the wish given to the heroes who defeated the Devil King.
"Eh? Reward? I didn't know anything about that, do you, Megumin?" Darkness said.
"None of our legends and myth say anything about a reward," Megumin said. "Maybe it's because we died at such a young age and the gods felt sorry for us?"
"No, it's nothing like that, really," Eris-sama said.
I bet that the gods only bothered to tell the resurrected heroes about the reward because only those Japanese cheaters with cheat weapons had any real chance of defeating the Devil King.
"W-Well, nonetheless, there is a reward. You are given one wish, and this wish might be anything and is not limited by the constraints of reality, physics, or even ethics. Though, as righteous heroes, I expect that…"
"Please resurrect the Devil King and have me be his s-s-s.e.x slave!"
Eris-sama visibly recoiled at Darkness's sudden change in disposition from loyal disciple, to worthless degenerate. However, Eris-sama's reaction was more subdued than what was warranted, as if she somehow anticipated such behavior.
On the other hand...
"I want you to make my b.r.e.a.s.ts really big and shrink the b.r.e.a.s.ts of all the other big b.r.e.a.s.ted women in the world." Megumin looked at Darkness. "Please start with this meat bag over here."
What an idiot. They're both idiots.
"I'm sorry, but I can only give you one wish. I suggest that you three take some time to decide while Aqua-san restores your bodies, as the process may take awhile."
Translation: there's no way I'm granting those wishes.
Part 3
Eris-sama showed us to a room as she resumed her goddess business. It was a plain bedroom. The walls were painted white and the furniture was colored the same violet as Eris-sama's eyes. Could this be…
"Could this be Eris-sama's bedroom?!"
I jumped on a bed covered in violet bed sheets and rolled around in it, sniffing the sheets, shoving my face in the pillows.
"Hah, hah, hah…*sniff*, *sniff*...hmmm...Eris-sama's scent…"
"You scoundrel! Get out of Eris-sama's divine resting place!"
Darkness lifted me and threw me onto the floor. But I didn't really feel any pain.
To experiment, I pinched my arm. There really wasn't any pain! I even casted tinder on the skin but not only did no burns appear, it didn't hurt or even feel remotely warmer at all.
"It doesn't hurt. Is this an ambient effect of heaven? Or perhaps it's because we are now in our spiritual forms?"
Darkness gasped. "A world without pain?! Heaven sure is a hellish place."
There were many things wrong with that statement.
Megumin sat on the sides of the bed and she was swinging her feet. She said, "Why don't we discuss what we'd wish for, for now."
"Right, I suppose it's time to go to business."
I joined her on the bed. Darkness, saying something about respecting Eris-sama's private space, stood quite a ways from us.
"Since Aqua is not here, I feel that we should keep her in mind when making the wish, too," Darkness said.
I had somehow forgotten about Aqua's involvement in this. In fact, now that she helped me defeat the Devil King, though, she really didn't contribute in the actual battle, she could finally return and reclaim her position in heaven.
"OK, now that we got out of the way, can I go first?" Megumin said.
The order didn't really mean anything so Darkness and I acceded.
"I want big b.r.e.a.s.ts."
And immediately regretted our decisions.
"Are you crazy?"
"I reject this motion."
This was probably the stupidest thing that has come out of Megumin's mouth.
"In the event I get big b.r.e.a.s.ts, I will allow Kazuma to grope them for two minutes."
"Are you crazy?!"
"I second this motion."
This was probably the smartest thing that has come out of Megumin's mouth!
I raised a hand. "Show of hands of those who approve."
Megumin raised her hand.
Darkness instead raised her fist to threaten us. Using violence during a civil discussion, she really was a muscle brained brute.
"There are more imperative matters to use our wish on than Megumin's b.r.e.a.s.ts! What about wishing for world peace? Or maybe we can go back in time and kill the Devil King before he ascends to the throne?"
"Silly Darkness. You really don't know how wishes work, do you? Sure, world peace sounds great and all, but how do you think such peace will be granted? I've read enough fantasy and sci-fi literature to know that such a wish will turn the world as we know it into a brainwashed dystopia, where no one has any free will, or personalities and individuality, for that matter. And about going back in time and killing the Devil King, haven't you ever heard about the butterfly theory?"
In reality, when you are given an all powerful wish, those on a grand, global scale, or anything involving time travel will surely lead to disaster. That's why selfish but innocuous wishes like, for example, increasing Megumin's b.r.e.a.s.t size, is our safest option.
But most importantly...
"I want to grope those big b.r.e.a.s.ts and nothing you say will change my mind."
"Geez! If you want to grope big b.r.e.a.s.ts so badly, there's a pair right here, you know?!"
Part 4
By the time Aqua finished repairing our bodies, we had yet to decide on a wish.
"It's OK. Take your time. There is no time limit," Eris-sama said.
"Eris-sama, how should we contact you once we make up our mind?" Darkness said.
"Don't worry. Once you decide, just call on me and I'll personally come to you."
"Eh?! Eris-sama will descend to the mortal realm?!"
"Fufufu. Kazuma already knows this, but of course this will surprise you. I come down to the world of the living sometimes to play, but keep it between you and me, OK, Darkness?"
Darkness was stunned when Eris winked at her. Not like I could blame her. Eris, whenever she did such simple things like smiling or mischievously winking, would effortlessly elevate her waifu potential from the realms of best girl to god-tier waifu.
"Thank you, Eris-sama. And I'm very honored to have met you in the flesh today."
"Hm? And what makes you think that this is our first meeting, Darkness?"
"Eh?"
Suddenly, a bright light enveloped us.
"Oi! Kazuma! Megumin! Darkness! The great me has finished resurrecting you! Stop chatting it up with that b.r.e.a.s.t padding, s.l.u.tty kouhai of mine and come back here!"
Aqua's loud voice intruded the serene space of Eris-sama's realm.
"W-Well then. It is time for you to return."
"Wait! Eris-sama, what did you mean by…?"
"Brave heroes, resume your great deeds! You have defeated this world's greatest evil and in doing so, have enriched the lives of the future generation, while also avenging the extinguished souls of the heroes past. Go forth, my children! I bless your souls! And in turn, may you spread my blessing on this wonderful world!"
In an instant, we were with the graceful goddess, Eris-sama, and then we were with the disgraceful goddess, Aqua.
I found myself being given a lap pillow by her, and her blue hair dr.a.p.ed over me.
"Kazuma...I don't know if the Explosion destroyed a large chunk of your thing or if it really is originally about that size, but...I just want to let you know that there are many other ways to please women, don't be discouraged…"
"Goddess change!"
"Hah?! Why you…!"
I looked at our estate...or what was left of it. The explosion completely destroyed our mansion and grounds as well as some of our neighbor's property. Furthermore, when I looked around, there seemed to be a multitude of people observing us, and the Axel police force was containing them in a perimeter.
I expected such a commotion, of course, as I doubted that casting an Explosion in the middle of a residential area would escape the public's attention.
"The police came here to arrest us, something about terrorist charges," Aqua explained. "They were about to haul me away but that prosecutor lady from before saw that armor over there."
Aqua pointed to the Devil King's crimson armor, which survived the full brunt of Megumin's Explosion.
The Devil King's personal armor must be quite famous and distinctive. If the armor hadn't survived the Explosion, Sena-san, or any rational person, really, wouldn't have even believed that we'd defeated the Devil King, or that the Devil King had even been romping around here, in Axel.
"Hmph. To think that there's anything that can withstand my newly upgraded Explosion. I must use the skill points I gained from defeating the Devil King to further increase my explosive power."
Did she intend on cultivating a power that could rival a nuclear weapon?!
Aqua had mentioned the prosecutor, Sena, the woman who had nearly given me yet another trip to the afterlife. I found her discussing something with an officer writing on a notepad. We made eye contact and she nodded dismissively to the officer and started heading towards us.
"Well, well, Kazuma Satou-san, we meet again. However, it seems that our meeting this time is not due to a criminal offense...well, at least, it isn't anymore."
Aqua did say something about 'terrorist charges'. The insinuation sent a chill up my spine.
"But to think that a party lead by the man many regard as 'Sc.u.m-zuma' and 'Kazu-trash', who was reported to be a constant public disturbance and an unprecedented s.e.x.u.a.l predator, would accomplish such a great deed…"
"I'll say this again, give me the names of those bastards who ceaselessly malign my good name!"
Sena turned to Darkness, who, as she was observing our interaction, had on a lewd smile, as if she were imagining herself in my shoes, being lectured by the domineering female prosecutor.
"Dustiness-sama, I am sorry to ask this of you, but there are certain...legalities that must be taken care of, and I am aware that this party is led by Satou-san, but seeing as you are of the Dustiness family…"
At the mention of noble related duties, Darkness's countenance quickly shifted to one of composure and professionalism.
"Very well. I will act as the representative of this party." She then looked at me, as if asking for permission, but it's not like I was the prideful and petty sort to be worrying about group hierarchy, and I was more than content to let Darkness take care of the aftermath.
Darkness followed a man who wore clothes similar to Sena's. They rode off on a carriage drawn by exceptionally groomed horses. They were equipped with saddles I vaguely recognized as belonging to this land's royalty.
Sena then turned her attention back to us, first to Megumin, then Aqua, then, lastly, to me.
She then gave a deep bow.
"I am sure that someone of a higher station will do so in the near future, but I still wish to commend and applaud your efforts, which have gone beyond the call of duty. The world's oldest and most powerful enemy has been neutralized thanks to your extraordinary bravery and unique talents."
She smiled stiffly, but with much sincerity, raised her head, turned on her heels, and resumed her business.
"Heh. You heard that, Kazuma? We're heroes! Yeah! I knew that coming along with you to this world would be a good idea!"
This delusional goddess spouted out the most absurd, and totally untrue, thing.
"Fufu. I had always been confident in my own abilities...but I suppose that none of this would have been possible if I hadn't joined this party. I realize that I should have done this long ago...but thank you, Kazuma, for accepting a somewhat troublesome mage like me."
Megumin struck one of her chuuni-poses, but her smile was one without any pretensions.
There was a good mood going on.
I could feel our bonds deepening.
Surely, after a victory like this, we had all reached the acme of our camaraderie...
"Oi, Kazuma! Is it true? Did you really kill the Devil King?!"
"I-I've always kind of thought you were cool, Sc.u.m-zu...I mean, Kazuma-sama! N-Now that I look at you, you're really kind of handsome!"
"Hey! It's me, it's me! We went to school together, remember?"
"Megumin! It's Yunyun! Are you and your party OK?! I heard that you encountered the Devil King but that can't be, right?! I'm trying to push past the crowd but I can't...oh, n-n-no, I'm sorry for stepping on your toes, sir. Eh? You'll forgive me if I go on a date with you?! I-I-I don't think I can...!"
I heard a familiar voice among the crowd desperately calling out 'Help me!', but I was too pissed off by the sudden shift in public opinion!
"Oi, you band wagoners, what do you figure me for, hah?! Do you think I forgive and forget that easily?! You think I have the retention abilities of a goldfish, or something?! None of you are getting a single Eris from me, no matter how much and how hard you kiss my ass, you losers! Go rot in this stupid city forever!"
"This guy! He already let the fame and fortune get to his head?!"
"You really are Sc.u.m-zuma!"
"Like we need your filthy money you bastard!"
"Megumin, there's a bunch of scary looking guys surrounding me! Help me!"
Megumin and Aqua was pulling me away from the crowd, which was growing increasingly enraged, and the police perimeter was struggling to contain them.
Sena-san, who had so elegantly pulled off the 'giving an inspirational speech to the heroes and then walking away without looking back' maneuver, was forced to awkwardly return and assist with the placating of the forming riot. She looked at me with a look of disappointment that was devoid of all the newfound respect she had shown me only seconds ago.
"So this is what comes before the fall, huh?"
"Don't rebuke him, Megumin. Kazuma here is merely living out the teachings of the Axis cult! Hubris over humility, pride before meekness! That is how one should live life in this world!"
"Satou-san, please refrain from instigating the crowd any further! Any more of this and we will have a riot in our hands!"
We had just defeated the Devil King.
Of course, with this party, every victory is short lived.
Part 5
When Darkness returned, she came with news.
"It seems like we have an appointment with some very important people."
The ambiguity and her refusal to meet my eyes told of pivotal yet unspoken details.
"Who, what, when, and where?" I asked, urging Darkness to get on with it.
After all, if the matter was not all that impertinent, I already had my hands full, quite literally, with hors devours on one hand, and the most exquisite champagne money can buy on the other.
We were given our own rooms in the most sophisticated hotel in Axel, our temporary accommodations as we waited for our mansion's reconstruction, all paid for by the city. Although, if it were up to me, I'd rather have a permanent residence in this luxurious suite in exchange for the keys to that formerly haunted mansion of ours.
"As for the who, they are very important. For the what, it's about our victory over the Devil King, obviously. As for the when and where...two days from now and the event will beheldintheDustinessestate.
She attempted to bury the important details at the end but I heard it quite clearly.
"The Dustiness estate, huh? So I guess it's finally time for our royal visit."
I snapped my fingers. The butler, who, was not named Sebastian, much to my disappointment, prepared my velvet robe for me as I rose. "Would you like your pipe, sir?"
He held out an ivory box that held a pipe that I never used for its actual tobacco-related purpose, but more for aesthetic, feeling-like-a-badass reasons. These days, I was more concerned with the visual aspect of things rather than the practical. After all, a big shot like myself should mind the constantly watching public.
I placed the pipe in my mouth. "Did you tell Megumin and Aqua yet?" I had also mastered the art of speaking coherently with a pipe in my mouth.
"I asked them to come here but they're late..."
As Darkness said this, the door opened and Megumin and Aqua and their entourage of butlers and maids entered the room. I looked jealously at the butler by Megumin's side. It hardly seemed fair that she was the one to receive a butler named Sebastian.
Megumin and Darkness were wearing similar robes and they also sported similar pipes, though Aqua was using some kind of trick to make bubbles come out of hers.
They both clapped and their servants wordlessly exited the room. I gave my butler, not-Sebastian, a meaningful glance, and he bowed and followed after the exodus of uniforms.
"Megumin, Aqua," I greeted them, making sure to seem as aloft and indifferent as possible.
"Kazuma, Megumin," Aqua said, in much the same, snooty, way.
"Aqua, Kazuma." Megumin said, following suit, though, she almost dropped her pipe as she spoke. Clearly, she hadn't mastered the art of speaking coherently with a pipe in her mouth, what a poser! But Aqua and I didn't laugh at her blunder, as such a petty style of humor was reserved for the uncultured.
Darkness looked at us with some exasperation. "Ugh. I hardly recognize you three! Have you never heard the concept of integrity? Keeping to your roots? Does this ring any bells? You bunch of sell-outs!"
"Lady Dustiness, please don't raise your voice indoors," I said. "Now, about the royal visit...?"
"D-Don't call me 'Lady Dustiness'!"
Megumin and Aqua, for a moment, had a flash of emotion on their countenance.
"Oh? Is it already time for me to grace the royalty of this land with my divine presence?"
"Fufu. For a societal maverick like myself to associate with royalty...what are the odds..."
Darkness petulantly stomped her foot, but the lush and thick carpeting absorbed the impact and sound, making her even more frustrated.
"I was initially worried about your potential conduct towards the royal family, but with your newfound holier than thou attitudes, you might just fit right in!"
I twirled the pipe in my hands. "Oh, how droll of you, Lady Dustiness. We are practically royalty ourselves."
Darkness, unexpectedly, looked away from me. "Funny how you say that..."
"Hm? What's this? I sense trouble."
Darkness kept from making eye contact. I turned to Megumin, who was quite knowledgeable, though her application of said intellect leaves much to be desired.
"She's probably talking about that tradition, about how the hero who beats the Devil King will marry the current princess. It's how they keep the royal family strong, by integrating the blood of each era's strongest heroes into theirs."
"What is this?! This is totally awesome! Finally, this world got something right! The hero who saves the day always gets the princess!"
As I was celebrating, Megumin said something to Darkness and they started snickering.
"Oi, you two, stop giggling like schoolgirls and tell me what's so funny."
Megumin said, "Kazuma, don't you know that the princess of this country, Iris-sama, is twelve years old? I wonder what people will say when you get engaged to such jail bait."
Said the pot to the kettle! Megumin was barely legal herself! And Megumin really shouldn't call the princess of this country with such disgraceful names like 'jailbait'.
"H-Hold on, it's not like I have to marry her, right? They wouldn't do something like force the hero of the country into an arranged marriage, right?"
I could feel an intense glare from behind me. I turned around and saw that Aqua was looking at me with smoldering contempt.
"Pedo-Neet."
...
Chapter 2
With the royal visit in two days time, we still had plenty of time to burn. In that regard, not much changed since we defeated the Devil King.
In fact, had anything changed at all?
I clapped my hands. The bard who was playing the lute stopped strumming and turned to regard me.
"Yes, Satou-sama?"
"Uh, slow ballads are cool and all but can you play something livelier? Darkness will get mad at me if I sleep in the middle of the day again."
"As you command."
The bard began playing livelier riffs and sang an upbeat song full of praises for my heroic self.
"There once was a hero from a strange foreign land. His mind was quick, and so was his hand. With profound wisdom and keen insight...he vanquishes evil, makes them flee to the night…OH KAZUMA THE WISE, OH KAZUMA..."
The bard then went off on a complicated lute solo, the sound distorted with the mana powered amps and equipment I provided for him (on sale in Wiz's Magic Store now).
As I was enjoying the music, my butler, not-Sebastian, came by, and in his hands was a letter.
"This came in this morning, sir. I've been meaning to give it to you as soon as I received it, but you were still sleeping."
"I thought I told you not to comment on my abnormal sleeping patterns. My screwed up biorhythms are none of your concern, thank you very much."
"Very well, sir."
I used Detect Trap on the letter and detected no hints of sabotage or trap mechanisms, mechanic or magical. There was no returnee address or any indication of the sender's identity.
I eagerly opened it and caught the faint scent of floral perfume, and the handwriting was undoubtedly feminine.
"Could this be...the mythical love letter?! Has my popular period finally arrived?!"
I eagerly read the letter.
Dear Satou Kazuma-sama,
This isn't a love letter, you presumptuous fool.
You expected a love letter, but it's me, Megumin!
JK, JK.
Hang out with me this afternoon. I'm incredibly bored. I will lose my sanity if this impregnable boredom persists.
And you don't want a mage who's mastered the Explosion spell to lose her sanity.
-Your pal, Megumin
"Sebastian, please clear my schedule for the afternoon."
"Sir, you don't have a schedule to clear, unless you count the three o'clock snack session with Lady Aqua as part of your agenda? And stop calling me 'Sebastian' already."
"Sebastian, please have mercy on a NEET like me."
I dressed myself in the formal wear Darkness insisted we had tailored, not only in anticipation for the royal visit, but for daily wear, as well. We were VIP's now, she explained. We couldn't be seen in public wearing our shabby adventurer's gear. She also strictly forbade me from wearing my tracksuit anywhere outside the area of a private space.
As I went out, Megumin came out of her room at the same time.
"Oh, Kazuma, how rare. I'm not used to seeing your butt not glued to a couch."
"Well, I suddenly found a very good reason to go out."
"I'm sure the reason was quite compelling."
She was wearing fur boots, a blouse, skirt and thigh-high socks, a black shawl, and a necklace with a ruby that matched her eyes. She wasn't carrying her staff but she had a slim, basic wooden wand tucked inside one of her boots.
"I'm going shopping for gear. Want to come along?" she asked.
"What do you need gear for? We already killed the Devil King. The climax of this story is over and done with. We are now in the denouement stage, and everything that follows after is superfluous, slice-of-life filler."
Even if there was an uprising from the Devil King's subordinates, or one of the Devil King's offsprings were to rise in power and pursue us for revenge, in anime and manga, there's usually an interval of idleness and minor character development between the conclusion and the start of the new arc.
"Darkness thinks that it'd be appropriate to greet the royal family with formal attire, but I think that she's mistaken. They came here to see adventurers not nobles. I'm sure that people in dresses and suits must be an eyesore for them now."
"You speak like you hate formal wear but you're totally parading around your new wardrobe, aren't you?"
"There's a feminine part of me that likes dolling up, too, you know."
I actually heard the words 'dolling up' from Megumin.
"Your awakened femininity aside, I guess it can't hurt to buy some extra gear. We have way too much time and money to spare, and while money is easy to burn, effectively killing time requires some creativity."
"You can say that again. I was counting the strands of fur on Chomusuke's tail yesterday, just to pass the time."
"You don't want to know what I've been doing to pass the time."
"Pervert."
Part 2
We went to a magic shop that didn't have any unlucky Liches as its proprietor. Wiz was pleasant to have around, but her magic items were useless at best and detrimental, at their worst. Also, I didn't want to deal with Vanir, who most likely already concocted a plan to use our fame to propel his financial agenda.
"Welcome to the 'Magic Merchant'. What can I do for you?"
"Well, first thing you can do for me is to come up with a more creative name for this shop. Geez, what's up with the businesses in this town? 'Wiz's Magic Item Store'? 'Axel-branch Adventurer's Guild'? How insipid!"
Megumin, who prided herself with her unusual naming conventions, became sincerely affronted.
It was a good thing she wasn't aware of the 'Succubus Shop'.
"Look, are you going to buy something or not?"
It seemed that Megumin was about to go on a spiel about 'killing Devil Kings' and 'respect for the heroes of this land', like she usually had in recent days, but she deflated in the end, her shoulders slumping, and went on to check out the wares.
As I assumed she was looking for advanced, high-level mage gear, I let her do her own thing as I browsed the products meant for more casual practitioners of the arcane arts.
The shopkeeper proved to be the experienced and wily one, as he went to assist me, a complete magical item novice, instead of the knowledgeable Megumin. He approached me like a stereotypical salesman, rubbing his hands together, and said, "Sir, can I recommend some products for you?"
"Sure, but just so you know, I gained the 'Sense Motive' skill recently so I can tell if you're trying to rip me off."
"I-I would never consider doing such a thing, especially to someone of your caliber, sir."
Well, wasn't that interesting! I assumed that the NPC's...I mean, the merchants of this town, would disregard my accomplishments, or any changes in real-time current events, like they did in games, and treat me like they were programmed...I mean, like they always did.
"For you, sir, I recommend this robe."
He lead me to a row of wooden mannequins displaying robes of the same style, but different colors. The robes weren't too long, reaching to the thigh of the mannequins, and they came with a hood and gems that lined the collars. Very wizardly.
"These robes are made from mystic spider web-silk, so they absorb magical enhancements very effectively. While the robes are nothing special by themselves, if you can find an excellent magician to enchant them, this can be a very powerful item. I'm selling them for 50,000 Eris, by the way."
So I was required to enchant it myself. The concept of 'do-it-yourself' existed in popular furniture retailers back in Earth, too. I wouldn't have been interested in such a commonplace magical ware, but thinking about what a high level Lich like Wiz can do to enchant this robe had me considering all sorts of possibilities.
"Ah, it seems that you are interested. What color would you like them in, sir?"
After the robes, he led me to a rack filled with shoes. Some of the shoes were glowing, or displayed some other conspicuous magical effect, while some of them just looked like regular footwear.
"This is the new shipment of 'Boots of Speed'."
'Boots of Speed' was a common fixture in many RPG's. A very useful item, and powerful in the right hands...or, I suppose, feet. While I had the 'Expeditious Retreat' spell in my magical repertoire, it wouldn't hurt to have a convenient item that would drastically raise base movement speed. Plus, there were no restrictions in how many times one can stack speed bonuses.
"Here it is."
This guy said something like 'Boots of Speed' but they weren't even boots.
"U-Um, I know that they look kind of strange, but the magic item crafter who made this was from a foreign land, and he claimed that their footwear looked like this...um...aside from the aesthetics, you'll find that the utilities are…"
Yes, they weren't even boots.
In my old world, they would be called sneakers.
Furthermore, the sneaker's design was overly similar to that popular shoe company with a checkmark for its brand logo.
That's right, the 'Boots of Speed' were a pair of N*ke's!
To think that a Japanese cheater would go so far as to plagiarize one of the most recognizable brands back in Earth. How shameful! With Vanir, I took care to emulate the functionality of the item, but I never went so far as to directly rip-off the copy and design of an already established product!
Whoever this sc.u.mbag Japanese was, I resolved to give him a stern talking to about artistic integrity!
Nevertheless, I still purchased the products. I couldn't pass up on such a potentially powerful item, moral issues aside.
I met Megumin at the service counter. It seems she bought some Manatite crystals, low quality ones, compared to the uber-expensive stuff Wiz used to sell, spare robes, more basic wooden wands, and some enchanted looking jewelry.
"Does the jewelry have any enchantments?" I asked.
"This red one increases the destructive potential of spells."
"That's the one thing you don't need more of!"
I paid for the items, pulling out a wad of Eris that had the store owner and Megumin drooling.
After we left the store, we walked aimlessly around the streets while carrying our bags of new gear. I noticed that people were giving us more attention than they did before, an expected consequence. But there were some, our acquaintances mostly, who didn't seem affected by our sudden rise in prestige at all, and came over to fool around with us as per usual.
"Nothing really changed at all, did it?" Megumin remarked, as she waved 'good-by' to a mutual friend of ours.
"Funny, I was thinking that exact same thing this morning."
Since it was one o'clock, even though it was a bit late for lunch, Megumin and I stopped by at a cafe to eat.
As she was ordering dishes that traditionally contained sauces, I requested for the staff to bring Megumin a bib, lest she stain her fancy new clothes.
"I am indignant about your unsubtle insinuations, but I am oddly touched about the gesture."
"Yeah, yeah. There's marinara sauce on your cheek."
After eating, we engaged in our daily Explosion routine (the jewelry really did increase destructive power) and then I carried Megumin home, but this time I had to deal with our recently purchased enc.u.mbrance as well.
When I arrived, I realized too late that I could have contacted not-Sebastian to come and assist with the extra luggage.
When I brought Megumin to her room, she told me to wait a moment as she rummaged through her bags. I waited by her doorstep.
"Here, just a little something for accompanying me today. I really was going to die of boredom, I'll have you know."
It was a necklace with an emerald.
"It's not emerald, by the way, if that's what you're thinking. It's just a glowing green rock."
"Is it enchanted or anything?"
"Not really? It's just a glowing green rock, like I said. But you can bluff the enemy and make them think it's something when it isn't."
Megumin said this proudly, as if she actually gave serious thought about this impulse purchase she was trying to push onto me.
"I can't tell if you're being nice or insulting," I said.
"Hey, I'm paying you a compliment. You're good at making something out of nothing."
I took out my own bags and retrieved a robe, one of the two I bought. It was Red and black themed and the fabric was designed to flutter more easily in the wind for that extra-heroic effect. I said, "Incidentally, I also got you something but I didn't think that you'd buy all of those spare robes. You nearly cleaned out all the apparel in the store. So, here. If you even want it."
Megumin took the robes and wore them. They were a bit too small for her, and the implication didn't slip past Megumin, but in order to preserve the 'moment', she didn't say anything. "Well, I sort of have a reason for getting you that gift, but what's your excuse?"
"It was a buy-one-get-one sort of deal."
"Yeah, I figured."
We heartily shared a fit of a laughter.
"Ohohoho!"
"Ehehehe!"
"..."
"..."
"Impulse shopper."
"Cheap bastard."
Part 3
Darkness, letting herself into my room without any advance warning, plopped down beside me on the sofa with the weary mannerisms of a nine to five corporal slave just arriving home.
There were dark bags under her eyes and her black blouse and skirt was tousled and covered in sweat. If she didn't look precariously close to being defined in monster encyclopedias as an Undead subtype of some sort, I'd find the sight of her wet clothes arousing.
"Kazuma, Megumin tells me that you guys spent the afternoon together."
She suddenly made this provocative remark about my interactions with another woman.
This scenario would not be amiss in the domestic going-ons of a loveless marriage.
"Yeah, we did. What, are you jealous?"
"Quite frankly? Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
Receiving this stunning confession from Darkness, I looked away from the 'Skill Book' I was reading (they don't just go 'poof' into digital oblivion and you get a free skill, go figure) and turned to regard her.
"Finally, you look up from that stupid book and make actual eye contact with me. You know, my father always complains about how the new generation lacks basic courtesy, and I always figured they were just the ramblings of an outdated dinosaur, but I'm starting to empathize with his vaguely agist perspective!"
"Whatever. So you were jealous about my lovey-dovey date with Megumin? Continue."
"I-I'm not jealous of you dating! Date whomever, whenever you want, see if it bothers me! And it wasn't a date, anyways! Megumin assured me! What I'm jealous of is our comparative circ.u.mstances! You and Megumin and... Aqua, are either hanging out with each other or doing your own thing, while I'm spending ten hours of the day doing paperwork and engaging in the dregs of human activity that is diplomacy, a.k.a.: the contest to kiss as much ass in the span of a three hour conference as humanly possible! Oh, goddess Eris, I really hate the word 'conference' now! I'm tempted to use my position and power to eradicate that word from this nation's vernacular!"
"Well, Lady Dustiness, you are not doing the ass kissing but is the one getting your ass kissed, instead. Many men and women were born into much more terrible fates."
"Oh, don't get me started with your ambiguous sense of ethics! In fact, I don't want any remonstrations about ethics from you, of all people!"
After her non-stop ranting, Darkness became breathless. Her face took on a shade of green. She really did look like a zombie now. 'Darkness' was totally what you'd name a zombie, too. It could also serve perfectly as a stripper's stage alias.
"I've noticed for a while now, but you're being quite the self-righteous prick all of a sudden," I said.
"...Yeah, I realize that. Sorry. Ten hours of being around pretentious nobles, remember?"
Her torso slid down the sofa until the small of her back was pressed against the seat and her butt almost made contact with the floor. She turned to me with a sideway gaze.
"Hey..." she started to say.
There was a knock on the door. The impatient hammering indicated that it was Aqua on the other side.
"Hiyas! I came for food! Oh, and Megumin is here, too."
"Yo."
Aqua said, "Let's the four of us eat a meal together! It's been awhile."
To which Megumin responded, "Actually, make that five. I sense a wild Yunyun hiding nearby."
There was the sound of hurried footsteps.
"I-I wasn't hiding! I was just obscuring my presence behind those decorative plants over there!" Yunyun then started spitting. Megumin could be heard saying 'Yuck!' "Excuse me. Some synthetic spruce got in my mouth."
It was about time for dinner, anyways, so I let them in. I anticipated an event of this sort earlier, no one likes eating alone, after all, and had the staff prepare food for four plus people.
The entree that night was Devil Cow sirloin steak. The 'Devil' referred to the cow's natural red skin and black horns. There was nothing inherently demonic about the cow itself. In fact, their milk was richer in calcium than ordinary cows.
Miraculously, the one to start the customary dinner table exchange of small talk was the socially inept Yunyun.
"It's really quite surreal! Kazuma-san's party defeated a giant poison slime not too long ago, and now you've also defeated the Devil King!"
"I appreciate your efforts Yunyun," I said, "but I believe that it's still too soon for a summary of past events, however seamlessly you may have executed it."
Megumin stopped chowing down on her steak and stood from her seat, raising her chest valiantly.
I anticipated a show of arrogance headed our way. She had on that distinctive smug look that made her seem like an old man instead of a teenage girl.
"Fufufu. I have an important proclamation! The long standing competition between Yunyun and I has now been resolved due to the undisputed merit of my accomplishments! No amount of Giant Toads you can subjugate more than I am capable of...though I do commend you on your ability to effectively deal with those monstrosities...can ever best what I…"
"...That's what I came for, Megumin...I'm renouncing our rival-ship."
"...have accomplished…"
Oh, how awkward it was.
And it was made even more awkward by a certain moronic goddess. A stretch of silence followed and the only sound that could be heard was the tactless Aqua's munching. She eventually had the sense to slow her chewing when she registered the awkward atmosphere, but then continued to display her moronic tendencies when she took the liberty of sipping a big gulp of wine before finally shutting the hell up.
Megumin dabbed at her face covered with steak juice before speaking to the downcast Yunyun.
"Um...hooray? This is all I ever wanted?"
The look on Megumin's troubled face was like that of a disillusioned profiteer who eventually realizes that there's more to life than money.
It was the feeling of 'I attained all that I ever wanted, but at what cost?'.
What began as a nice dinner, a reunion with old friends, somehow morphed into a scene from some melodramatic soap opera.
"I lose. There's no denying it anymore. You've always been a genius...the genius of the Crimson Demon clan, Megumin. I thought I could get closer to beating you if I learned Advanced Magic, but...in the end I just followed the crowd and did what everyone else was doing, while you forged your own path with Explosion Magic...and, and…"
Yunyun's eyes flickered between me and Megumin rapidly.
"You...You've also beaten me as a woman! Wah! It's not fair!"
Yunyun made to leave, but not before taking a few more bites of the delicacy that was Devil Cow, and sipping some wine while she was at it.
We all looked at Megumin, who was too stunned to respond.
In order to break the silence, I tried cracking a joke.
"Who wants to bet that the next time we see Yunyun, her hair will be cut shorter to visually symbolize her character development?"
And Aqua replied with, "Pssh. You amateur. That's already a given. I wager that Megumin will make up with Yunyun by saying cliche lines like 'Yes, let's stop being rivals...and start being proper friends!'"
Megumin stood and went to Yunyun's seat, and it seemed like Yunyun left her purse behind. Megumin, being the heartless type, rummaged through Yunyun's belongings and dug out a book called 'How to Make Friends Vol. 78'. There was a bookmark and Megumin flipped to the marked page, which led to a chapter that was entitled: Stratagem #35: Raise A Friend's Affection By Making Them Think that Your Current Relationship is in Danger."
Megumin tossed the book down on the table. She said, "So as you can see, my rival is that kind of idiot."
Part 4
"How does this tux look?"
"Perfect, sir. If you are enrolling for Butler studies, might I recommend my alma mater?"
I glanced between my suit and not-Sebastian's. They were almost identical.
"This is the seventh suit I tried. How come I always look like a waiter, a bellhop, or a butler, no matter what style I wear?"
"You do have an aura of service, sir. It's like you were born to say the words 'How may I help you?'"
"Why did I get stuck with the individualistic and sassy butler?"
"I'm not normally like this with every employer, but with you I feel like I can say whatever I want and you won't have the spine to discipline or terminate my contract prematurely, sir."
My butler turned out to be quite the sadist.
It was time for the royal visit already, which was to be held at the Dustiness manor.
While Darkness had doubts about my potential conduct, she didn't think that I'd have any problems beyond making an inappropriate remark here and there, or breach some obscure protocol, which could be easily remedied with some well-timed prostrating, and left me alone to deal with the more 'explosive' elements of our group.
After all, Megumin had just recently announced that she'd provide some 'fireworks' in honor of our visiting majesties.
I didn't need to be clairvoyant to know that something was going to go terribly wrong throughout the course of this evening, and prepared some Scrolls of Teleportation beforehand, just in case some execution orders were to be distributed among the offending parties.
"Kazuma, are you ready?"
It was Darkness's voice calling from outside the room I was changing in.
"Not quite!" I responded.
"Well, hurry up! No one cares about what a man wears to these events, so stop being fussy!"
The blatant s.e.xism did not elude me.
Not-Sebastian placed a hand on my shoulder
"What will it be, sir? Would you like the waiter's uniform? A bellhop's? Or perhaps...you. want. mine?"
This old man just did the 'newly-wed' roleplay.
The image of not-Sebastian in a n.a.k.e.d apron briefly flashed through my mind.
"...I think I'll go with a cardigan," I said.
"Ah, so you will dress like a barista. Excellent choice."
I met up with the girls in the dining hall. Aqua was wearing a white dress and her hagoromo. Darkness, who I had trouble recognizing at first, which always happened whenever she ditched that armor of hers and wore something feminine, chose a sensuous red dress that gave her an air of a femme fatale, even though her diffident attitude and fidgeting scattered that illusion immediately.
"Looking good, guys," I said.
"...I can't help but notice that you glanced at Aqua and then proceeded to stare at Darkness with a lewd gaze, but you didn't even spare a second to look my way."
Megumin said this as I passed by her.
"Well, isn't someone being rather possessive? What, did our little outing earlier make you think that…"
My words were cut short when I actually looked at Megumin.
"..."
She smirked smugly. "What? Are you speechless?"
"...I can't believe what I'm seeing. You're...You're so…"
My heart was beating hard. I felt my face heating up.
"Oh? You're that enamored already? Well, I can't say that I blame you…"
"...YOU'RE SO GODDAMN RETARDED!"
As my rage increased, my heart rate and blood flow escalated.
When Megumin had that rant earlier about 'nobles wanting to see what adventurers are really like', I didn't take her seriously. But here she was now, during such an important meeting, wearing the robe I gifted her, her usual hat, and she had two wands strapped in her belt. Also, she brought Chomusuke and it was sitting on her shoulder and the cat had a piece of half-eaten fish hanging out of its mouth.
"...Excuse me, is there a problem here?"
And right after I yelled something so crude, a melodic, yet baritone voice echoed from the entranceway leading into the dining hall.
I turned around and saw a tall man, a very intimidating man with a warrior's build, dressed in a red robe, and his head was adorned with a bejeweled crown. Like all nobles, he had blonde hair, which was straight and long and went up to his chin and he had a well-groomed beard.
This was the King of Belzerg, King Joethanael Johnstarr Blazing Shield Belzerg, I was sure. And beside him, a handsome guy, not unlike Mitsurugi Kyouya, but even handsomer, was surely Prince Jatis Herald Wind Belzerg. He wore a robe, but his was silver, and while his hairstyle was similar to his father's, he did not have any facial hair, purely a pretty-boy type.
Standing behind the two most respected warriors of this land, was a little girl that I assumed to be Princess Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg. She had straight blonde hair and she didn't wear a robe like the men in the family. She wore a simple, yet elegant, sky-blue evening dress. Modest, unlike Darkness's s.l.u.tty garments. Walking beside the princess were two women, likely her body guards, as one of them, a tomboy-ish woman wearing a white suit, was equipped with a sword, while the other, a class-rep type wearing mage robes, carried a staff.
Even though I resolved to be in my best behavior, even though it was Megumin who screwed-up, I was still the one to look bad in front of royalty.
Darkness rushed to defend me, but King Joethanael, bless his royal soul, raised his hand, smiled, and shook his head.
"Now, now, I'm not angry. I know how adventurers are. Quite frankly, being around nobles and their uptight conduct can get really tiring. The openness in the interactions of adventurers is a great relief."
He turned to Princess Iris and gave her a head pat.
"And I see that one of you has opted out of the formal wear for her adventuring gear. My daughter, Iris, is quite fond of adventurers. She often invites many successful adventuring parties to the castle and asks them to share their tales. Of course, throughout the course of the evening, I'd like to hear your stories, too. Your battles against the Devil King's army...and against the Devil King himself, has been the subject of much debate amongst my generals and scholars. How did they do it? And so forth."
Megumin gave me a gloating look and mouthed the words 'I told you so'.
Seeing the relaxed atmosphere, Aqua stepped forward and somehow manifested a pair of fans from out of nowhere. "Fufu. Now that we got the formalities out of the way, let's get this party started! The first item of the program is a wonderful performance from yours truly, the beautiful goddess of the Axis cult that is I, Aq...UWA!"
Darkness seemed to have class changed from crusader to a thief, as she sneaked behind Aqua and chopped her on the back of the head.
"Owiee! Darkness, what the heck was that..."
Another chop.
"...I'll shut up now..."
Darkness reappeared in front of the king and raised her arms in welcome.
"Well, now that we have all gathered, let us take our seats. Our food will arrive shortly."
"That is good to hear. And, say, young Lalatina, might I ask where your father is?"
Darkness looked away. "Unfortunately, my father has been called on a..." She cringed. "...conference with Alderp-sama, the governor of Axel, about some issues with land disputes. I tried to tell him that your majesty's visit is far more important than some petty political affairs, but you know my father, he takes his job very seriously. In his place, please allow me to apologize for my father's absence!"
Darkness bowed deeply.
Darkness's overly formal conduct ruined the good mood that was cultivating.
"I-It's really not a big issue. Please raise your head."
The servants finally came in with the food and we took our seats. Darkness sat on the head of the table, reserved for the master of the Dustiness house, while the King sat opposite, on the other end of the table. The prince, princess, and their escorts sat on the left side while we sat parallel to them.
"On behalf of the Dustiness household, my comrades, and myself, Lalatina Dustiness Ford, I welcome the ruling family of Belzerg to the house of Dustiness, who shall forever remain your faithful shields. Now, please, enjoy the food we have prepared."
Part 5
The food was plentiful, but, while there was a bit of small talk here and there, because of Darkness's policing, the conversations were sparse in comparison.
Aqua was chatting it up with the king. Darkness was facilitating her. Megumin was oblivious to everything outside of the food, as she and Chomusuke gorged themselves, and I was left on my own to entertain the prince and princess.
Princess Iris turned out to be a shy girl, and as I wasn't socially skilled enough to approach someone who really didn't want to talk, I instead approached Prince Jatis.
"Kazuma-sama, I heard many things about you. Most of them are from rumors, but I have some direct sources, too. Well, let's just say that we have a mutual friend."
After the usual exchanges of 'Nice to meet yous' and other such inevitable pleasantries, Prince Jatis made such a direct statement.
"A mutual friend? I wonder who it could be?" I replied.
All of my friends lived here, in Axel, and none of them were important enough to be friends with a big shot like Prince Jatis.
"Um, could it be that you don't know who I'm talking about? I am referring to Mitsurugi Kyouya-san."
I remembered that Mitsurugi recently rose up in the military ranks using that sword of his. It wouldn't be strange that a natural smooth talker like Mitsurugi would befriend Prince Jatis as they fought together in the front lines.
"I wouldn't really regard Mitsurugi a friend, though," I confessed.
"That is strange! He always speaks about you. And when we are discussing combat tactics during battle, he always says 'what will Kazuma do in this situation'. It seems to me that he has quite a bit of respect for you!"
Well, of course the one who got his ass handed to him by a severely lower leveled guy without a cheat weapon would be humbled to the extent of respect. Or perhaps I had misjudged Mitsurugi prematurely? There was a chance that I was letting my jealousy over his good looks and his harem-like party dilute my opinions.
To put it succinctly, hot guys really got under my skin.
"Anyway, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I hope to have a spar with you. Just a friendly spar! I feel like I need to clarify because I'd hate for you to think that I'm trying to humiliate you in combat like some cliche antagonist from a novel. Um, do you get what I'm trying to say…?"
Prince Jatis blushed and looked at me with upturned eyes.
"..."
Even though there was a perfectly eligible Princess over there, who, I heard, was likely to be wedded to me when she came of age, I seemed to triggering all sorts of unwanted flags with this prince.
I tried to shift the conversation to the subject of Princess Iris.
"Um, I understand that your sister is shy...but, it sure would be nice to talk to her…"
When I said this, Prince Jatis's mood changed quickly. I noticed that the white-suit female bodyguard let her hand drift to the pommel of her sword.
"Oi. You're not trying to flirt with my cute little sister, are you?"
"..."
I really couldn't get a read on this guy's character.
Potentially gay love interest or overprotective sis-con, which one was he, really?
Though, I had that white-suited woman all figured out.
Surprisingly, it was Princess Iris who came to my defense. She beckoned to the honor-student-mage-girl, who drew closer, as Princess Iris whispered something.
"'Nii-sama, please stop embarrassing me in front of the Kazuma-sama, you stupid meanie jerk. And I know that you and Claire were doing something weird with my bathwater again. Stop it, you pedophilic perverts.' That is what Princess Iris said," the mage-girl said.
How precious. The little princess's shyness was so potent that she relied on a medium to communicate.
She definitely had that 'little sister I must protect' aura about her, a quality that had already attracted two weirdos, apparently.
"N-Now Iris, please don't say such incriminating things. Father is giving me a weird look right now. Thankfully he is too entranced by the magic tricks of that blue-haired arch-priest, or I'd surely be hauled off to the nearest dungeon. And to tell the truth, it was all Claire's idea to harvest your bath water..."
The white-suited woman, who turned out to be Claire, blushed profusely, and looked like she was about to dole out physical punishment against the Prince, but restrained herself on account of a huge gap in respective societal standing.
The mage-girl leaned in to the princess to listen again. "'Enough with all of this nonsense. Kazuma-sama, if you don't mind, I'd love to hear about your adventurers. So please stop associating with this lewd onni-san of mine and tell me some stories, if you would' That is what Princess Iris said."
I didn't mind showing off to a such a cute ojou-sama, but the delayed communication was getting a bit troublesome.
"Um...please don't be offended, but is there anyway I can talk to the princess directly?"
Princess Iris made to call the mage-girl over, but she stopped, forced herself to face me, and then said,
"...I-I'm sorry if I've insulted you, Kazuma-sama. I don't deal with strangers very well. I...I hope you understand."
She blushed and looked up at me with upturned eyes.
Was that specific action of using upturned eyes to incur one's protective instincts a recurring trait among the Belzergs?
Even that prince, as muscly and undeniably male as he was, used the technique to great effect.
"Well, what would you like to hear about first?"
Part 6
"Impressive...simply impressive! So that was how you defeated Mitsurugi-san! I can see now that even from an early point of your journey, you were destined to do great things!"
Prince Jatis exclaimed such exaggerated praises.
"From your defeat of the Dullahan, then the mobile fortress Destroyer...while your party is certainly powerful, with three of them possessing advanced classes, it is clear to me that it is your wisdom and leadership that unlocks the party's true combat potential."
The mage-girl, who introduced herself as Rain, said this as she looked at me with awe.
"We must apply your combat methods to the education of our new army recruits! If you don't mind, Kazuma-sama, is it fine to show us your adventurer's card? We might learn something from the way you constructed your build."
Claire said, as she clasped her hands excitedly and looked at me with stars in her eyes, forgetting about the animosity she displayed towards me earlier.
I leveled up drastically after defeating the Devil King, but I didn't feel like disappointing them with my varied, yet ostensibly unoptimized, repertoire of skills and spells.
"Maybe another time," I said. "An adventurer should never show his card to anyone he's just met."
I glanced at them to see their reactions while I dramatically paused to take a sip of wine. They fell for my phony act. They were all blushing...even that s.e.x.u.a.lly ambiguous prince.
"'I realize that this may seem impudent of me, but I'd like to hear more of your stories, Kazuma-sama! I have never met a more intriguing adventurer like you!' This is what Princess Iris said," Claire said.
"Oh? It seems that my little Iris has already warmed up to her future fiancee. That's good news."
The King, who had seemed so enthralled with Aqua's antics just a bit ago, had seemingly been observing our interactions the entire time.
As expected of a King.
"Although we've been acquainted only for this short while, I feel like you are a man I can ultimately trust Kazuma-san. So for now, I will ignore all the rumors I've heard of your shortcomings, and I'm sure that your lecherous escapades have been largely fabricated, hmm?"
He looked at me with a sly, knowing smile.
"Um...yeah, about that," I said. "About the marriage, is all that really necessary?"
Silence pervaded the dining hall. Chomusuke sensed a brewing disaster and crawled underneath Megumin's cape.
"Hm? What are you saying, Kazuma-san?"
The king was giving me an unreadable look.
"Oi, what da hell you sayin' 'bout my cute lil sis, ya punk?! Oi, oi!"
This unstable prince went through yet another character change.
I heard Claire muttering 'kill, kill, kill' continuously as she slowly unsheathed her sword.
Megumin, whose face was still covered in gravy, stood from her seat, sending her silverware clattering on the ground. Some Dustiness maids rushed to collect and replace the silverware.
"I've been meaning to bring this up all evening but I was distracted by the food. My compliments to the chef. The venison was roasted perfectly. Anyways, as I was saying..."
She coughed and took a deep breath.
Uh-oh.
Abort. Abort. Abort, you fool.
I tried to communicate this with hand signals.
"You...you can't just force Kazuma to marry some random wench because of some archaic tradition! What, do you mean to tell me that this country is ruled by such close-minded barbarians?"
Random wench. Close-minded barbarians.
Such colorful and specific word-choice.
I would not be surprised if this sabotage was premeditated.
Beside the king, I saw Darkness praying with her Eris charm. Aqua was still smiling, thinking we were all playing some kind of game. You know what they say about ignorance.
"Excuse me, you majesty, can I speak with my comrades for a minute?" I asked.
The king, through gritted teeth, slowly nodded his head. "OK. But when you get back, we will have a very serious discussion about what just occurred."
I gathered Darkness, Megumin, and Aqua to one corner of the hall.
"OK. With all we've done for this country, I doubt the king will order our executions, we're too valuable to this counrty, but he might commit a crime of passion right here and now if we don't give him time to cool his crown-adorned head. Luckily for your sorry asses, I anticipated such a royal screw-up, terrible pun not intended, and prepared some teleportation scrolls beforehand, which I've already set to activate once the word 'wench' left Megumin's mouth. We will be departing in 3...2..."
"Hey, Kazuma, what's that Princess What's-her-name doing here?" Aqua asked.
"...1..."
In a flash of blue light, we were sucked through space and time from point A to point B, with point B being the location I previously designated.
In a matter of seconds, we were transported to Wiz's Magic Item store (%30 off on all scrolls now!).
"Oh, Kazuma-san! I didn't think you'd use the item so quickly! So, how was it? I told you that it'd work fabulously, even if it is a bit pricey...wait, who is this beautiful young girl? She has blonde hair, so is that Darkness-san's sister, by any chance?"
Wiz peered closer to the princess I just abducted. Then she started to pale, paler than normal for a Lich, that is. "Wait, that face, isn't this the...Kazuma-san, I don't wish to be involved in this. Please don't make a poor store owner like me an accomplice to such a terrible crime..."
I turned to Darkness.
"Say, Darkness-san? What do you think the jail time is for abduction of a member of the royal family?"
She laughed shakily.
"Oh, poor, naive, Kazuma-san. There is no jail time for those who will be immediately executed before they even step foot in a jail cell."
"So that's why Vanir-san chose to skip town for awhile. He must have seen this coming. Well, I suppose it was a good life, even if I spent a lot of it well...not alive."
"Kazuma, please allow me to justify my admittedly short-sighted actions. I said all of those things with your best interest in mind. After all, there is no greater joy in life than the consummation of two people who sincerely love one another..."
"Kazuma, Kazuma, what game is this? Why did we teleport? Are we playing magical hide-and-seek? Is the King 'it'? Oh, boy! I bet he's already tearing up the entire town looking for us! I call on dibs on the bathtub. Most hide-and-seekers universally agree that the bathtub is the optimal hiding spot."
For the first time since we inadvertently kidnapped her, Princess Iris spoke up.
"Well, for the meantime, would you care to tell me some more stories, Kazuma-sama? Personally, I'd like you to elaborate on the battle with that infamous Destroyer..."
There was no amount of overpriced Teleportation Scrolls that could get me out of this one.
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