Chapter 286 - My SI Stash #86 - I Need A Meatshield- I Mean Hero! by testpilot24 (MonsterGirlQuest)

-Truly a horrendously underrated story underneath all the kinks. It really doesn't hurt that the MC gets with Alice too~

Sypnosis: How would you expect a grand adventure to start? With a flair for the dramatic? No, no too obvious. Maybe then it could work that way. Everyone expects it to happen, so they think it won't happen, but it does! Subvert it then? How would you manage that? Have an ordinary day gone wrong?

Rated: T

Words: 278K

Posted on: m.fanfiction.net/s/11094657/1/I-Need-A-Meatshield-I-Mean-Hero-Monster-Girl-Quest-Self-Insert (testpilot24)

PS: If you're not able to copy/paste the link, you have everything in here to find it, by simply searching the author and the story title. It sucks that you can't copy links on mobile (´ー｀)

-I'll be putting the chapter ones of all the fanfics mentioned, to give you guys a sample if you wan't more please do go to the website and support the author! (And maybe even convince them to start uploading chapters in here as well!)

Chapter 1-3 (exceptional)

How would you expect a grand adventure to start? With a flair for the dramatic? No, no too obvious. Maybe then it could work that way. Everyone expects it to happen, so they think it won't happen, but it does! Subvert it then? How would you manage that? Have an ordinary day gone wrong?

Or right depending on how much of a masochist you are.

Here's a hint, I'm not one.

So when one simple day of the week decided to screw me over I would have never expected that. Which is why I should have, more ironic that way. I never saw it coming after all!

It started as any other, went to bed sometime after one in the morning, slept right through till twelve thirty, and actually got up just before one. Big accomplishment for me. I set my alarm to go off at ten, but I kept slamming the snooze button for hours on end. Yes I have horrible sleeping habits, but it's Christmas break and I do what I want!

Dragging my body out of bed, I fumbled for my glasses, threw on a shirt and a pair of socks. Leaving my room I was greeted by my fat ass cat. I gave him a friendly scratch under the chin. He deserved, the fat bastard was waiting there right outside my door. How cute of him.

"Hey there kitty. Who's a pretty kitty? You are. Yes you are. Yes you are." I said in that cutesy voice everyone makes, but is too embarrassed to admit it. You know the one.

Following that I found my way to the kitchen, and made myself a bowl of cereal. Almost out of milk, gotta ask mom to pick up more today. Ate while browsing the internet on my dad's IPad. I checked out Spacebattles, no new alerts there. Hmm seemed like my parents were already at work, and my brother had left for his friend's house. Home alone for the short time that it mattered.

I finished up with breakfast and went to take a shower, wasted twenty minutes in there enjoying the hot water. I was deliberately trying to fog up the bathroom mirrors. Usually I never do that, causes mold after all, but what the hell? Who's here to stop me? Nobody! That's who!

I dried off and quickly got dressed. Ah, the old tried and true jeans and a t-shirt look. The shirt was one of my thicker ones with a chest pocket. I may not use that pocket, but it's there! Just in case! I think that particular shirt was green, of course over the next fews months of hell that became my life it didn't stay that colour. My only pair of socks don't last too long either, nor did my underwear. My jeans though, they, were good to me.

What had forced me to give a damn about today? Very good question! Does looking into a picture of the sun hurt my eyes? Who asked that?! Was it you?! *Blam!* That's a very stupid question! This is the intro part, so don't count on the fourth wall protecting you yet! I can still get you! So see what happens if you try that again!

… Anyways, I was going out to a friend's house that afternoon with the guys. He was hosting a movie night then later we'd try to go out to a pub for some drinks. Never got to do that, everyone's too busy with school or work to get together. But if there wasn't the promise of cheap junk food or pizza I wouldn't have gotten up that morning, afternoon technically. Okay that and they're my friends.

As any sensible man would, I threw on my hoodie and leather jacket, gotta layer up on that clothing. It might not have been snowing, but damn was it cold. I should have even put on gloves or a hat, but that's just too sensible. And the hat would mess up my hair… yes, I'm petty.

I checked all my pockets to ensure I had everything I would need for the day. A part of the plan at my friends house was us staying over for the night and making it a sleepover, sort of thing. It would have been smart to pack a bag of spare clothing, toiletries like my toothbrush and toothpaste, a spare package of my medication, pajamas. You know the standard stuff. Really wished I had, but at the time I wasn't planning on staying overnight.

Seriously if I had packed that bag, so many of my problems that are yet to come, would've been much more tolerable if I had my pajamas. They were so comfy.

Before I left I gave my cat a small snack to placate him. If I hadn't he would've torn up the house. I walked for about five minutes before turning onto the main road. This put me in a pretty good mood.

You want to know why? Course you do, you're reading this. What?!You don't?! How dare you! *Blam!* I told you the fourth wall is weakest at the introduction! I haven't been caged by the narrative proper yet!

Now to reach my friend's house I simply could have walked there. But I'm too lazy to do that, so it was the bus for me. Thankfully there was a bus stop at the end of a nearby street. There was something I loved about this street. That was it was flat and long so I could sing and walk without feeling out of breath. Have you ever tried to climb a really steep hill and sing at the same time? Not fun.

Let's see, what to sing? What to sing? Ah! I've got it! Remembering the lyrics…. alright got that!

I began to snaps my fingers and hum to build up the right rhythm. There was nobody else on the street, so I could sing as loud as I wanted.

"Times, have changed.

And we've often rewound the clock,

Since the puritans got the shock,

When they landed on Plymouth Rock.

If today,

Any shock they should try to stand,

'Stead of landing on Plymouth rock. Plymouth Rock would land on them!

In olden days, a glimpse of stocking,

Was looked on as something shocking.

But now, God know!

Anything goes!

Good authors too who once knew better words,

Now only use four-letter words,

Writing prose.

Anything goes!"

It was a wonderful day, not a cloud in the sky and the sun was shining bright. It was the type of day were the only indications that it was winter was the freezing temperature and I could see my own breath.

"If driving fast cars you like,

If low bars you like,

If old hymns you like,

If bare limbs you like,

If Mae West you like,

Or me undressed you like,

Why, nobody will o-ppose~.

When ev'ry night the set that's smart,

Is intruding nudist parties in studios.

Anything goes!"

What's the next verse? Something, something, Mcclane? Russian Reds?

"When Missus Ned McLean, God bless her,

Can get Russian reds to "yes" her,

Then I suppose

Anything goes!

When Rockefeller still can hoard enough money to let Max Gordon

Produce his shows,

Anything goes!

The world has gone mad today

And good's bad today,

And black's white today,

And day's night today,

And that gent today

You gave a cent today

Once had several chateaux.

When folks who still can ride in jitneys

Find out that the Vanderbilts and Whitneys

Lack baby clothes,

Anything goes!"

I was nearing the end of the song. Don't screw it up! It had taken weeks to remember the lyrics to this song, even then I'm still second guessing which verse is which. Eh, who cares. Just me here. It's funny though, I guess that meme holds true, play Fallout, become musically cultured.

"When Sam Goldwyn can with great conviction

Instruct Anna Sten in diction,

Then Anna shows

Anything goes.

When you hear that Lady Mendl standing up

Now turns a handspring landing up-

On her toes!

Anything goes!

Just think of those shocks you've got

And those knocks you've got

And those blues you've got

From that news you've got

And those pains you've got,

If any brains you've got,

From those little radios~.

So Missus R., with all her trimmings,

Can broadcast a bed from Simmons

'Cause Franklin knows

Anything goes!"

I finished the song as my bus just passed me by… F.u.c.k! How did I miss that?! I turned my head to follow the bus and whelp. He just kept going, driving down the road. How the hell did he miss me?

Well… nothing I can do now. I walked up to the bus stop's signpost and stood there. I've got thirty minutes to burn now. Great.

As a car speeds by me, I instinctively step back a few feet. It felt a little too close for comfort. I heard some honking and turned to look down the street. Approaching me was a massive semi-trailer so I again step back a few feet away from the curb.

As I did I saw something at the edge of my vision. It was a blurry purple… tear?

And now everything around me is green!

Where's the street lights?! Where's that signpost?! The concrete?!

As I was suppressing the urge to freak out I didn't notice the truck I thought to avoid continue driving by the curb with plenty of room to spare. No, what caught my eye was that the purple tear in reality suddenly closed with a pop sound.

Leaving me standing on a dirt path in the middle of a forest.

..

..

..

..

..

"Did I, did I…. just do that? Was that a portal? Did I just walk through a portal!? On accident!?"

It was going to be one of those days.

I had been walking through this forest for the better part of three hours. I know that because I constantly checked my cell phone to keep track of the time, and in the dim hope of getting a signal. But let's be honest here… I'm f.u.c.k.i.e.d.

The forest around is pretty generic. I mean it's a forest. What do you expect. It's got trees, and grass, and leaves, and bushes, and shrubs, and dirt, plenty of dirt. In fact I'm on a dirt path right now!

I think this path may be well traveled. There's plenty of faded foot and hoof prints in the dirt, so people on horses come through here. The trees aren't packed close together like they would be if this was… more natural? Untouched by man? F.u.c.k! You know what I mean. No people around equals shoulder to shoulder trees. Least that's what I've read.

Really this place wouldn't look out of place as a city park. Save for the lack of cigerette buds on the ground or car noises in the distance or gum staining the ground. So either that means this place has a really great maintenance staff or more likely I wasn't in a civilized area. No, better term would be industrial, saying it's not civilized feels rude…. even though I'm not talking to anyone.

Great thought policing there citizen.

There's clouds in the sky, not that noteworthy except there wasn't any before. Sun was warmer as well, so I had to unzip my hoodie and I tied my jacket around my waist. There was a nice, gentle breeze, so I wasn't overheating. I think I'm taking this rather well, backed into a portal, got dumped into a forest and I haven't freaked out! Yet.

My feet were killing me, I was just walking for three hours straight. No breaks. I mean, what would I do? Sit on the grass and think stuff over? Hah! Nope. If I've already got momentum built up I'm not letting it go to waste, so that means I kept walking.

As a passed a bush I thought I heard a bubbling noise. I smartly kept going past it.

Oh wow, that is getting louder. Better check out what it is.

I looked over my shoulder and saw a puddle of blue slime ooze out from the bushes and onto the path, constantly bubbling and gurgling as it went. Leaving a thin trail of blue slime in its wake.

Well I'm sure that's completely normal… so normal in fact I'm just going to continue walking away from it.

So I guess this means I'm in some sort of fantasy word. Blue slimes are the weakest RGP enemy right? Never mind the fact I have no effective means of actually hurting it if it should catch up to me, but it won't.

I increased my walking speed and continued off down the path.

"Hello~"

Oh thank god! Another person! But why did it come from… behind me…

I looked over my shoulder again and…

"Oh f.u.c.k me."

"Okay!"

Flowing towards me at a disconcerting speed was not a regular slime or gelatinous cube or even a woman. No, it was a slime girl… yes that name says it all. It is a slime monster, except that it is in the shape of a young woman…

So monster girls…

I'm doomed.

"Stop running! I just want to love you!"

"How are you keeping up with me?!"

"My l.u.s.t for you drives me forward! And you're fat!"

"I don't know you!"

"We can get to know each other later… physically!"

"Leave me alone!"

"Never! You're gonna get slimed and love it!"

I collapsed in a heap on the ground, leaning against a tree and panting heavily. My shirt was drenched in sweat, my hair was a matted mess and my glasses were fogging up from my body heat alone. I had lost that crazy slime girl. She was persistent, but… I don't really have anything else to say. She wouldn't f.u.c.k.i.n.g quit!

She almost got me a few times, as the slime stains on my jacket and jeans can attest to. I tried wiping it off but it only got stuck to my hand, and then I wiped my hand off on jeans. So everything is a sticky mess.

I also learned I f.u.c.k.i.n.g love adrenaline. God that is stuff great! I was running off and on again for over an hour. I wasn't even… tired… well until now.

Now I think… that I'm just going to take a quick nap. My eyes were feeling heavy and I was slowly nodding my head.

Man that took a lot out of me. Am I that out of shape?

The answer was yes.

I blinked a few times. One second it was still daytime, next the sun was setting.

Shit! I should… I should get up and keep walking, go find a nearby town or something.

Begrudgingly I pushed myself up. Blinking the sleep from my eyes I set back down the path, in the hopes of finding civilization soon.

Chapter 2

Okay, so it turns out that trying to sleep walk through the night was a bad idea. I eventually had to stumble off the road and get some sleep under a different tree. I'd gambled with my life, again, by doing that, but I was too tired to carry on. What little sleep I got was wracked by nightmares, thirst and hunger. First time I've ever gone to sleep without eating or drinking anything.

It was worth it though, I woke up near sunrise feeling slightly refreshed. Enough that I could get walking without the threat of collapsing again. During the night I tried to remember what I knew about this setting. The major characters, factions, and the general outline of the plot. Surprisingly I think I remembered a lot from the game.

I didn't want to assume too much about where I was just based on meeting a slime girl, but some of the things she had said were very explicit as to where I was.

"This is because of Ilias isn't it?! It's not intercourse if it's slime!"

"How did you find me?!"

"Your delicious scent darling!"

"Leave me alone! Don't you have anything better to do?!"

"Nothing is better than you darling! If you want I can change for you! I'm a slime, we're remoldable!"

"How desperate are you?!"

"Very!"

The path I was on had started to widen into a proper dirt road, and I saw a sign that read "Ilias Village". That's a good sign.

Hehehe.

So I was nearly at the village now, close to good old civilization! The path looked increasingly well-traveled, and through the trees and leaves, I could make out the tips of buildings and farmland in the distance.

As I moved closer to the forest's edge I wondered what I was planning to do. I know I need to speak to Luka. He's the key figure to stopping Ilias and ultimately saving the world. No pressure.

So, what the f.u.c.k am I going to say to him? Oh hi I fell through a portal and know your entire life story, now listen to me if you want to live! Are you a bad enough dude to romance the Monster Lord?! Yeah! That will go over well.

Maybe play up the religious angle?

Yeah that could work. I'll just claim I got a vision from Ilias, standard "seek out this hero and help him defeat the Monster Lord" stuff. He'd believe that since he's got visions from her himself and then bam. I'm in!… God that feels manipulative saying that.

Thinking about trying to insert myself into his life to better pull the puppet strings as it were, just feels like I'm being a stalker… Eh it's for his good, the worlds good, but most importantly my own good. I can't leave it up to chance that he's going to save the world. I mean if I know that the world is being threatened I should do something about it. Even if that's pawning off all responsibility onto Luka.

I was passing by a fence post when I noticed a farmer tending to the field not too far away. I shouted to gain his attention and waved at him "Hello! Ah, over here!"

He looked up from his field and waved back.

I walked off the road to get closer to him.

I hoped my clothing wasn't too unusual. I don't want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself. What if the townsfolk start mocking me behind my back! Unusual? More like ridiculous! They're going see the slime stains! The rumors!

Wait, stop that train of thought, it's just going to throw me off.

"Sorry to be a bother, but I've been lost for the last couple days and need some directions. Could you offer me some assistance?" I asked him.

"Sure, no problem. What are you looking for?"

"Ah well, I was just wondering if this is indeed Ilias Village. I'd gotten all mixed up on the way over here, so I don't know which way is which."

He nodded. "Eyup, happens to the best of us. Probably some monster working her vile magic to get ya lost in them woods. Good thing you ran into my though, been living here my whole life. Know these woods like the back of my hand." To demonstrate he lifted up his hand.

And it was then speared by an arrow.

"Jesus Christ! The f.u.c.k?!"

The farmer for his part was calm. "Sweet Ilias, those elves are attacking again. Best start running boy, lest they catch ya." With that he ran off with an arrow in his hand, blood trailing on the ground behind him.

"Again! What?!"

Now a smart person would have ran off with the farmer, maybe followed him to the safety of other people. I on the other hand, looked around like an idiot, too confused to process what was going on.

A few arrows shot into the ground near my feet, making me jump is surprise.

"Don't move!" A woman's voice called out.

I turned to see where it was coming from. At the edge of the farmers field was a broken down fence separating the field from the forest I had just wandered out of.

Jumping the fence was two dark elves with bows. I could tell they were dark elves because of the bright, platinum hair, and well, their dark brown skin. It's a dead give away, really.

"You shot the wrong one!" One elf berated the other.

"It doesn't matter we scared him off! Now get the fat one!"

Shit! Are they talking about me?! Of course they are! Who else is here!

They were half jogging, half running towards me. Closing the distance between us too quickly for my liking. I turned away from them and finally started running, going in the same direction I saw the farmer go. I felt a pairs of hands tried and fail to grasp the back of my jacket.

Too close!

"The f.u.c.k is going on?!" I yelled out in confused frustration. Really shouldn't have done that though, man I was out of shape. Running for only ten seconds and I'm already getting out of breath.

This was going end pathetically for me, I just know it.

"A marriage proposal! Sunny, bring him down!"

"The arm or leg?"

"The arm! I don't want to carry him!"

As I kept going the sound of the elves boots on the ground stopped. For a brief moment I fooled myself into thinking they had given up, and then I realized what they had just said. They aren't really going to shoot me-

They shot me!

"The hell?!"

And now I'm one the ground, clutching the arrow sticking out of my left arm!

Ow that hurts! Seriously, you would not believe the pain I'm in! I don't think I would have been able to keep running like that crazy farmer. The pain and shock was too distracting for me. Did I mention I'm kind of a p.u.s.s.y, never been in a fight before and I bruise like a ripe orange.

I noticed two shadows on the ground next to me and felt a boot press down on my back.

I glanced up to get a look at them. They looked… just like normal women, save for those big anime, pointed elf ears. You know the ones that stick out to the side. Clothing was a green tunic and skirt. The only difference between them was the one that had her boot on my back had green eyes and the other one holding her bow had golden, yellowish eyes.

Through clenched teeth I said. "Lovely weather we're having. Think I might bother you to get this arrow out of my arm? Seeing as you put it there in the first place!"

"Quit crying, it doesn't hurt that much." Green eyes said. "Sunny tie him up." Oh the golden eye one is Sunny, that's cute.

"Uh sure, but should I remove the arrow first?"

"Well obviously… no, maybe? We removed it when we shot those deer."

"Yeah, and without the arrow blocking the wound they bleed out. We want him alive after all."

"Huh, yeah but you remember that Mom said not to leave the arrow in, it can cause long term damage to the body. A crippled man would be worthless."

"Okay," Sunny looked down at me. "This is going to hurt, so uh, sorry."

Oh please say she isn't going to? I was just joking about that!

F.u.c.k!

She did!

She pulled the arrow clean out, and now I'm listing off every swear I know.

They gave me a few moments to calm down, before my arms were roughly grabbed and pulled behind my back. I felt my wrist being loosely bound together by rope. Great, been here two days and already caught by monster girls. "Is this really necessary?! Aren't we are all rational people here?!"

I was pulled up by my shoulders to a standing position by the two elves. They were stronger than they looked, and short than I thought. They didn't come up to my shoulders.

"We were being 'rational'. We told you not to move."

"Why, did you run? Scared by two pretty girls running at you~?" Sunny asked.

"You startled me."

"We startled you?"

"Yes. You, startled me."

"Aw, we're sorry, but don't worry. We've got all the time in the world to make up for it~." Green eyes said sarcastically.

"Or, or, hear me out. You let me go, and…"

"And?" She motioned for me to continue.

"… Give me a moment. I'm still trying to get my wits about. You did just shoot me."

She gave me a flat look. "Get walking." With that both of them started to shove me towards the forest.

Whelp, I'm a goner.

It was a good run. A short run, but…. No, I suck. Caught by elves, the most boring monster girls ever, and I still have a gaping wound in my arm. I should have taken that slime up on her offers, at least that would have been a unique experience. But elves, all they had were those ears.

With all the possibilities in the world, why elves?

"We did it, we did it, we did it! Sis we finally caught one!" Sunny excitedly exclaimed.

"Yes! We can hopefully pay off that bounty… "

"What are you two talking about?" I asked them. Man, whatever this is about really has them excited… Why can't I feel my arm?

"N-nothing! Foolish man! We've got you ensnared in our trap. Right Sunny?"

"Yeah-h, yes!"

"That's great but, my arm has gone numb… I think I need serious medical attention."

There's a hole in my arm, my shirt, and my hoodie. All of three of which are being stained by fresh blood, my own blood might I add, and I'm feeling more and more lightheaded. Taking a second to process that.

"It's not like the Harpy Queen put a bounty on us for trying to steal her village's men."

"That man was rightfully ours! We stole him from the bees first!" Sunny interjected.

"And it's not like we're taking you her as tribute in the vain hope that she won't imprison us."

My whole body was going numb now. That was not a good sign. I slurred out a mumble for help.

"Good, that toxin is working now."

I fell over, face first into the ground.

"Sunny, you used the knockout one right?" Sis asked. Yes that's what I'm calling her. In no position to ask for her real name at the moment.

"Of course, it's the one from the red bottle."

"No… that's the heart stopping one. The knockout is in the maroon bottle."

"Quick feed him the antidote!"

My face was roughly grabbed and bottle was shoved into my mouth. A vile tasting liquid was poured in, which I promptly threw up.

"Sis! I think we screwed up! We should've just served the jail time with the harpies."

"Sunny!"

"They have those soft down feathers,"

"Sunny!"

"And those little baby chicks loved us,"

"Sunny!"

"And now he's going to die!"

"Sunny! Shut up!" I heard a loud slap. "Everything is going to be fine! He is fine." She pulled me up from the ground, again. "See! Standing up right!"

It was at that moment the metaphorical cavalry arrived. We heard the wild shouting first, and I was turned to see who was coming to get me out of here.

On the dirt road I could make out a small figure waving a sword wildly over his head with a big red cloak billowing in the wind. And I think I could see his hair color, it was… purple.

It was Luka, and only Luka- Oh wait, there's an angry mob of farmers armed with pitchforks trailing behind him. Vision blacked out there for a moment. Couldn't see them.

Great! I'm recused!

"The humans are onto us Sis! What do we do?"

"Cut loose the bastard and run Sunny! Run!"

"Are you sure?! Can't we carry him-"

"Yes!"

They panicked and acted in a way I had really hoped they wouldn't. They stabbed me in the back… multiple times, and left the dagger in there.

Killed by the most amateurish kidnappers ever.

On the plus side though I think Sunny was against that, I saw golden eyes looking worried for me�� or that was worried about the angry mob.

So there I was, back to being face down on the ground. Again. I wish I had blacked out from blood loss or from the poison, but I was still conscious. I even heard Luka ask me something, he shook me a little to see if I was alive. So I yelled in pain some more.

The welcome to this place sucks.

Omake: Last Sweetroll

It has come to this.

I must fight the Monster Lord. We could have stopped this madness at any point. We could have walked away from each other. Let cooler heads prevail. We could have tried giving diplomacy a chance. But in the end we both knew it would come to this.

From the day we meet in that forest outside Ilias Village all the way to now. All the adventures and good times and hardsh.i.p.s we've suffered together, forgotten in this very moment.

I was going to face Alipheese Fateburn the Sixteenth in one on one combat for the ultimate prize.

The last sweetroll.

Don't laugh!

This is a very serious manner! I haven't had a proper sweet in weeks!

I haven't braved to try anything new since the first honey incident. After that I let Luka try everything first, or took my chances when alone with Alice… hence why there are other honey incidents that shall not be named or ever spoken of unless I get really drunk and tell Luka, but he'd be too ashamed to tell anyone else.

I was staring her down from across the table, poised with my fork. Ready to skewer that sweetroll for myself! It tasted like a cinnamon bun, but better! I think that was the sugar deprivation I was going through, I needed my fix! I know Alice was holding out on me, so there was no way I was letting her get that sweetroll.

Sure I had like four or five maybe six, seven at most, but it was the principle of the matter. The principle being hazy and unclear at the moment, but it was a principle none the less!

I glanced at her face and our eyes met. Her gaze hardened while she nudged her head towards that wonderful sweetroll.

My arm tensed. Should I make the first move or her?

I stabbed down on the sweetroll before she could react! Yes! It is mine!

As I brought my fork up to enjoy the well-earned victory my hand stopped. Intercepted by… her tongue? Clever girl.

She was leaning over the table and had shot out her tongue to grab the fork. That thing has to have been stretched out over a foot long! Luka was staring at her in shock and surprise.

"Alice, let go of my fork."

"You release my sweetroll."

"How are speaking with your tongue like that? You should be slurring all your words and making a fool out of yourself." Luka pointed out to her.

"With plenty of practice." She started to reel in her tongue.

Well two can play at that game.

I grabbed my wrist with my other hand, planted my feet and pulled with all my might. I think I stood a chance there!

And was then promptly dragged onto the table. Note to self, monster girls are really strong. I kept forgetting that.

"I will repeat myself. Release my sweetroll or I add you to my dessert for making work for what is rightfully mine."

"Fine!" I release my grip on my fork. She began smiling triumphantly, thinking she had won or "put me in my place". Well I had one more ace up my sleeve. In hindsight this was a stupid idea, but totally not worth it.

I pushed myself up and dove at her! Grabbing her tongue with my hands and wrenched the sweetroll from it! I quickly took a bite of it and dropped the tiny flake that was left on the table.

"You, my, you… you." She glared at me.

Yes that was unbelievably stupid.

"Ahhaha! I got it! Mine! All mine" I shouted, basking in my short lived and suicidal victory.

What happened next a blur, but the last coherent thing I remember seeing was Luka's terrified face and then the hard wooden edge of the table slamming into mine.

Bethesda warned him not to do it, but he failed to hear their lessons. Never touch another person's sweetroll.

Chapter 3

Okay! Some good news, I am not dead.

***

"Luka, grab the hard liquor!"

"R-right!"

"Clamp down on this buddy! We don't need you biting your tongue off because this is gonna hurt you, a lot."

Bad news, I am in a tremendous amount of pain.

***

"The skin on his back has started to turn black."

"What can we do?"

"Luka, run to the Temple, find the priest, and bring him here!"

"Ah – Okay!"

"And remember one thing while you're at it. Pray for him Luka, he's going to need it."

Surgery was a bit touch and go there, well what qualifies as surgery around here anyway, but I think I'm going to make a full recovery!

***

"Dear Ilias, who art thou Lord of Heaven, sacred be thy name…"

That's right. I'm going to be just fine…

You buy that?

Yeah me neither.

I was lying down in bed, trying to get some rest.

I'm pretty sure I was in Luka's house. Nobody loudly said "here's Luka's house!" to me, just dumped me in a bed. Though he is the only person I consistently see here, and he brings me food and water… and helps me up to the washroom.

I shifted my head on my pillow.

The bed was not comfortable at all, but it's better than what I had in the forest, i.e. nothing. It's to be suspected, no modern mattresses after all. The bed's just… I don't know, cloth and stuffing.

I'm dying here. The intricacies of medieval mattress manufacturing are one of the last things on my mind. Okay not dying, but it feels like it.

Sometimes it felt like I was just laying here drifting in and out of consciousness for days one end.

So, I'm trying to stay positive… uh, I'm covered in comfy pillows and blankets. It's like my own private pillow fort!

Okay what else?

Oh, the chamber pot isn't that bad….

Though it is demeaning to have a guy that just barely comes up to my chest help me out of bed and walk me to the washroom. Luka is freakishly small. More than four feet tall, but less than five feet tall, maybe little old lady size? I don't know! He's a real life shota! I'm just guesstimating here!

The time's I've gotten the chance I've been scrubbing my hands raw with hot water and soap. I've also only been drinking boiled water and eating soup or oatmeal. I may have survived being stabbed in the back, with no signs of an infection so far, but I don't want to be done in by a cup of bad water.

What was strange about my surgery is that the doctor knew proper sanitation and surgical procedure. I might not be giving much credit to the guy, so I asked Luka about it. He said Ilias appeared in front of everyone in the room and gave instructions on how to save my life.

Yay.

I'm interesting to a mad, genocidal goddess.

No, I'm not joking.

I'm only alive right now because of literal divine intervention.

I was worried about that causing some big stir, but she comes down to the village's Temple in person every year like clockwork, so it's not as miraculous as it sounds.

While I was laying here I've had nothing but time to go over what I knew, again. I would try reading, but I'm still too tired to.

"Let's see here, what do I remember?"

Okay, the big players, contrary to what Ilias claims she is not the goddess that created the world. In fact nobody did, she stumbled upon it or was born long after it's formation. Nobody made humans either, they were already alive by the time Ilias and the First arrived or were born. Although I'm pretty sure the First is the one that created that Critical Ecstasy bullshit thing in humans, only one with the motive and the means to do it, or maybe Ilias did.

So Ilias is really just a jumped up "light" elemental. Wouldn't say that to her face, she has some major mental issues and would take it very personally.

Then about a thousand years ago she got into a massive war with the First Monster Lord, who was the jumped up "dark" elemental. Ilias started it in part because she spent millions of years roaming the world alone and couldn't create life effortlessly like the First. Thus she got jealous and things deteriorated from there. Another thing, light can't created life, so much as influence thoughts and behaviour. Well it can create life, angels are nothing of pure light energy, but point is Ilias had only herself for millions of years.

Coincidentally Luka's mother is- was Lucifina who was one of the first angels created, she held the rank of Eden or Seraphim I think, thus technically making Ilias Luka's grandmother in some sense of the word.

"All one big messed up family tree." I mumbled to myself.

As the war progressed it almost destroyed the planet from all the energy the combatants were releasing, or something like that. The First realized this, didn't want the world to end, and tried to make a ceasefire with Ilias. Ilias did a "if I can't have it no one can", and the First relented.

Ilias then forced the First and her 'daughters', the Six Ancestors, into a seal that draws power from their own power, making it impossible for them to break free. Any attempt to just makes it stronger. But a failsafe was built in to prevent Ilias from completing her genocide of all monsters. Killing enough monster would release enough dark energy into the world that would allow the First to overpower her seal, then fight Ilias, and make more monsters. Although now Ilias believes she's created a suitable work around for that.

The Six Ancestors being the first monsters created by the First, and thus all monsters in existence are descended from them, except for the Monster Lord family line who comes from the First.

"What do I know about them?"

I only know about two of them. One was the original succubus, Whore of Babylon or something to that effect… I think. That's probably a title she got, not a name. She's only noted for going against the First in general because she wanted to eat and f.u.c.k everyone to death. Sounds right for the original succubus. The other one was a nine tailed kitsune named-

I snapped my fingers. "Right! Tamamo!"

Tamamo is one of the Six Ancestors and was there to see this all go down… hmmm, and Luka runs into her at that ocean cliff face, cave, shrine, place.

A very stupid plan was forming in my delirious head. I could tag along with Luka on his quest, get to that cave, speak to Tamamo, and then BOOM! Make a better plan to save the world with her!

Okay it's not that easy, but I've got to start somewhere and that's assuming anything is even close to canon. I don't want to assume too much, but if the threat of a world ending genocide is a possibility, better safe than sorry. I want as many people onboard as possible to prevent that.

It may seem silly to base my whole plan on the off chance of running into Tamamo, but she's a nine tailed kitsune who can get into a fist fight with Ilias and walk away unscathed… And that's in her sealed loli form, not even at full strength.

She's really the best bet I have.

"Operation Touch Fluffy Tails is a go! You onboard Luka?"

"What are you talking about?"

"My deranged imagination! Now give me those painkillers!"

Even if we don't directly run into Tamamo, there's hopefully plenty of other chances to get into contact with her.

Again assuming anything in this world I run into resembles the canon of that visual novel hentai game. Though at this point assuming is all I got.

So I have confirmed it. I am indeed living with Luka, he's a nice enough lad. Gave me a spare room and bed after the surgery, apparently Ilias had suggested it to him. She said it would be fitting for a hero like him to lend me help, which he obviously did.

Yes, she did physically descend from Heaven into the room, and then spoke to them all.

Also yes, from the glimpses I got between blacking out from the pain and then the drugs, she is hot. Very hot…

What?

I got my priorities.

I should be more disturbed or worried by that, but drugs!

Sure they're not as good as real drugs, but damn if these guys don't know what they're doing!

I may have been living at his house for a while, but most of the time it was me lying in bed trying not to reopen my wounds, and him going about usual schedule. Not much interaction between us. I guess today's as good a time as any to chat with Luka.

I decided to wait till noon, when he entered my room with a bowl of soup. I straightened up in the bed before speaking.

"SO! Luka, how are you?"

"Good. Is your back acting up?"

"Nah, it's fine. I had just realized I haven't thanked you for all your help. So, thank you."

"Oh, don't worry about that, it would be unheroic not to help you. After all you were stabbed… repeatedly. Though most people would die from that."

"Yes! That's why I'm thanking you now! I am going to live! If I thought I was dying then I'd be cursing you for not doing enough to save me!"

"Wha-"

"But enough about me! I want to know more about you. You keep mentioning heroes, do you plan to become one?"

"Yes!" He said with re-found confidence. "I plan to become a hero and defeat the Monster Lord."

"Thus bringing peace to the world, how very noble of you. But I was just curious about something, if you don't mind me asking."

"Go ahead." He nodded.

"If you defeat the Monster Lord, that'll bring peace to the entire world, but that also includes monsters. Who will then coexist with humans, like what happened five hundred years ago. That seems like something you wouldn't want, does it? In fact Ilias may take issue with that."

He started to fidget. "Uh, sure I'd like to stop monsters from fighting with humans and- "

"Because that's what I want! Peace between monsters and humans! Won't be easy, but I think it's a worthy goal." I say exactly what I need to say to draw his attention.

Yeah, I pulled those puppet strings like a sociopath. I'm not exactly lying, peace is the best option for everyone, but I can't help but feel like a manipulative bastards towards him. I figure it's best to keep what I really think to myself for the time being.

"Why would you tell me that!? I agree with you but what if I didn't!? The people here hate monsters!"

"I'm high on drugs and life Luka! I can say whatever I want!"

It's kind of funny. I had worried about how to insert myself into his life- No! There's nothing strange about that! It's completely normal! The world is at stake here!

Anyway, it just happened. Weird, but I guess almost dying is as good a bonding opportunity as any, and divine intervention. We didn't talk that much. He'd just check up on me every now and again. Brought the doctor to check up on how I was healing once, but other than that not much.

By the way, can not stress that enough. An elemental goddess descended from heaven to instruct them on how to heal me. A giant target has been painted on my back. I can only hope Ilias doesn't feel like taking a shot at it before I get a chance to try to stop her whole world wide genocide plan.

In my defense though, on the not speaking with him thing, I did literally spend days on end sleeping. Doing nothing other than sleep, and when I was awake demanding boiled water to stay hydrated.

I did manage to get my hands on some writing supplies. I had accidentally left a few pens, pencils, erasers, and a sharpener in my jacket pocket, probably left them in there after an exam. I must have forgotten to put them back in my binder, hehe, works for me.

I wanted to write down what I knew, to better formalized my thoughts, but decided against that. I had considered just giving Luka a bunch of letters and having him pass it on to the relevant people he's going to meet, but there's too much risk there. Him playing mailman is out and I can't tell him anything without the risk of Ilias finding out, so that leaves me to travel with him till we run into more qualified people.

So I just scribbled unimportant stuff down and doodles, trying to burn time.

Turns out literacy is rare here so that's an advantage I have. And yes they have the English alphabet with modernish grammatical rules, so no Elizabethan style dialogue I need to constantly translate…

I f.u.c.k.i.n.g lucked out there! Imagine if they didn't! I wouldn't have anything to read!

Unfortunately, there wasn't too many highlights during that time.

***

"Are you okay? Why are you crying?"

"I'm going to miss new episodes of Gravity Falls!"

"Uh sure, if you say so."

Really it's just awkward living here…. dying here… recovering? I don't know! Pain and drugs and sleeping for days on end throw me off!

You're lucky I'm making any kind of coherent sense!

Just, one day I just got out of bed, left my room, walked to the kitchen, and took a seat at the table. Luka was sitting there eating a bowl of oatmeal.

"Can I have some?" I pointed to his bowl.

"Of course." He got up to get me a bowl. "How are you feeling?"

"Better… How long was I in there?" I jerked my thumb to the room down the hallway.

He placed the bowl in front of me and sat back down. "For under a month."

"A month? Really that long?"

"Yes, a month. You were stabbed in the back and poisoned. That doesn't heal quickly."

"Huh, I'm more surprised that I'm not dead, or that my heart or lungs weren't stabbed."

"Well you're only alive right now because Ilias blessed you by saving your life."

"Thank her for that!" I nodded in agreement. "That does bring me to why I was coming here in the first place, the village that is. I got distracted, what with the attempt on my life and all, then recovering."

"What is it?"

"I came here seeking you! I had received a vision from Ilias, instructing me to come to this village to find a young hero in training named Luka. She told me to help you on your quest to defeat the Monster Lord."

"She did!?"

"Yes! That is why I am here! That brings me to another point…"

"You don't mind if I join you on your quest? Right? I didn't want to presume- "

"Of course you can! It's the will of Ilias!"

Yep, I feel like an ass for doing that… but, fate of the world and all that. Ilias intervening to save me helps build credibility to my story. My thinking being if she wanted me dead or not able to interact with Luka at all she would've just let me die.

"Can you also put on pants?" He asked me.

"Would if I could, but don't know where they are." I ate a spoonful of oatmeal. Hmm, not half bad, needs more sugar though.

"They were folded on the bed, stacked on your other clothes."

"Too early for me too care."

I don't like it here.

Not one bit.

I miss running water or at least having access to clean water. Here I only drink water that I personally boiled beforehand, or alcohol. I've taken a liking to the local gin.

What else?

I got a dagger as a present. It was the one the elves stabbed me with, and now it was mine. Sold it off to the local smith, worth a lot of money.

***

"Look at the craftsmanship! The engravings, the flowing lines, the light weight, and even that shine! I'd say this is the genuine article! A real piece of elven smithery! Don't see too much of that these days, not enough travellers or heroes coming to the village."

"They usually brought product like that?" I motioned to the dagger in his hand.

"Yes they did! Use to be that every year dozens of heroes would march through that forest to come to the village Temple to be baptized. On their way here they may encounter hordes of frightening elves and other monsters! Made into a sort of right of passage! Weren't truly a hero till you had an elven dagger."

For some reason I feel that story may not be true to life. Given there's a fallen angel, and dark elf monster village a ways west from here that openingly trades with Iliasburg, relations may be more cordial than he'd like to acknowledge. "When did they stop coming?"

"Huh, tough to say. I haven't been keeping track of the exact years myself, but I know no one's shown up this year to be baptized, save for Luka. He's doesn't count though, lived here his whole life." He shrugged his shoulders. "Just one year there was less and less people coming here. Which is why this dagger is such a rarity now. I'll be willing to give you a fair price for it. By the way, where did you get it?"

"I was stabbed with it and left for dead…"

"Ohhhh…"

"Yeah… I'm not really fond of the idea of keeping it around."

"Wait? If it ain't yours, then how did some bandits get their hands on this? They're too weak to fight elves for it and too stupid to steal from them."

"Bandits? What bandits?" Who the hell is he referring to?

"What bandits? What do you mean 'what bandits'?!"

"I mean, what bandits?" I wasn't attacked by bandits, technically, I think. Didn't mentally label them as that.

"Wha- The men who stabbed you!"

"Oh those! Those were elves! Confused me there for a second!"

"What!?"

"Dark elves specifically."

"And we ready to go fight them?! By Ilias!" He quickly got on his knees, uttering prayers.

"Uh, clue me in here. What's the issue?" He must have been part of that mob.

He didn't answer immediately, instead continuing to pray for a few moments longer. "Amen." He straightened himself up. "The issue is we, folks like me, aren't meant to fight monsters! That's a heroes job! Not cause we're cowards or lazy, but monsters are far too dangerous for regular folks to handle."

Considering all you did was run up a dirt road with twenty other people against two elves, I don't think you were in danger. You could have literally mobbed them. "So what are you saying? If you had know it was elves you wouldn't have come to save me?"

"UM… well, you see.. it's like this, but yet… that."

"Wow! Buddy, you are losing a customer here, but! I am a forgiving man. So why don't we discuss a much higher buying price of my elven dagger?"

Seriously, a lot of money. Luka had saved up barely five hundred gold for his journey… I sold that dagger for three hundred and fifty gold.

Thank you elven craftsmanship!

When word got around that I was up and about I received a visit from the local priest. He had heard from Luka that I was literate, and being that "Ilias had chosen me to aid him in his quest", he saw it fit to offer me a job at the Temple. Not a position in the official church, just a job.

I ended up being a clerk in the Temple, came with a free set of robes and holy book. It was more bureaucratic than the priest made it out to be, and I was placed in the back… away from all the people.

***

"Thank you for offering me this job, uhhh…"

"Father will suffice."

"If you say so Father. So I was curious as to what I am actually supposed to do here." Motioning to the decayed desk in front of us, littered with crumpled pieces of parchment and dusty books.

"Oh yes, I'm sure you would be! I need you to work in the back room down here in the bas.e.m.e.nt as a clerk."

"Okay, and what will I be doing as a clerk? I need more instructions than that." I glanced at the book selection on a nearby shelf, all of them were about Ilias.

"Why, you'll be doing your duties in Ilias Temple! It's a very prestigious job, one worthy of yourself!"

"What do you mean by that? I only got here recently and haven't done anything other than be stabbed. Nothing prestigious about that."

He clapped his hands down on my shoulders. "Why my son, you've been blessed by Ilias! Being favored by her isn't something that should go to waste or be treated as a trivial matter."

"Okay."

"Even though I've been working here for over twenty years I've never so much as got a vision from her! None whatsoever! When she comes down here to baptize the heroes, you think she could spare some wisdom for a devout follower of hers'? No! But you!" He gripped my shoulders harder. "One day here and she descends from Heaven to heal you herself!" His hands started shaking.

"Uh well that's all fine and good Father but-"

"Yes it is!" He released my shoulders, spun on his heel and walked towards the door.

"What exactly am I suppose to do? You never answered that question."

"You'll do fine!" He waved without turning back and walked out the door, then slamming it shut.

"I guess I'll… figure out my clerical duties from here." I mentally shrugged. "Doesn't seem like he really cares what I do."

I got the feeling he didn't like me, but that was okay. I didn't like him either. I didn't bother remembering his name. To me he's always going to be "that priest from Ilias Temple". I got around fine by calling him sir or father or shit like that.

Should I have cared more? Maybe!

Should I not have stolen money and supplies from the Temple in preparation for the quest? Possibly!

Should I have returned all those books and tomes of knowledge I borrowed from the Temple library before going? Perhaps!

But all of that was completely necessary… because I was really bored and wanted luxuries.

So bored in fact I took up exercise. Plus everyone pointed out how pathetic I was physically and that I was currently dead weight to Luka's quest.

Now let me be clear here, I hate exercise, plain and simple. I avoided it at all cost and always tried find something better to do with my time.

Unfortunately I don't have anything better to do.

No internet, no computer, no television, and no music! Just no electricity and everything that entails!

There's the lack of mass produced books available to read. I also lack any easy to use light source, again no electricity, so I'm forced to read during daylight hours. My sleeping cycle is now defined by dawn and dusk, instead of the time on a clock. I could try to read during the night, but candles are a horrible source of light, plus that damages your eyes I think.

So what am I forced to do?

Exercise.

So the days fell into this routine of me waking up first in the morning, making oatmeal and boiling water for Luka and myself. He insisted on tea, but I'll be damned if I have to drink the stuff. Then doing our morning exercise routine, no, I'm not listing out every single little activity we did. That'd be tedious. Got chewed out for trying to slack off a few times. Go to the Temple, get annoying comments about my how awful I smelt. Not my fault they don't have deodorant. I'd sit in "my office" in back, burn time for a few hours, and go back"home" for the night. Repeat ad nauseum.

In the evenings I made my own preparations for how I was going to survive this. Mostly it made use of an old alchemy book Luka had laying around. It reminded me of my old highschool chemistry book, but with more exotic materials and rituals. Several of which were "squick" and "oh god why would you ever use that, my eyes have been tainted by this horror" worthy.

I had decided on saving my money until we reached Iliasburg, the village was unfortunately lacking in the supplies and services that I needed.

Over time I ended up doing most of the chores around the house, making meals, cleaning dishes, sweeping the floor, chopping firewood, etc. Luka appreciated that because it gave him more time to practice his swordplay and fighting skills. I hope he used that time effectively.

He once caught me singing while I was working, that was embarrassing.

***

"I go out to work on Monday morning

Tuesday I go off to honeymoon

I'll be back again before it's time for sunny-down,

I'll be lazing on a Sunday afternoon!

Bicycling on every Wednesday evening

Thursday I go waltzing to the zoo!

I come from London Town, I'm just an ordinary guy

Fridays I go painting in the louvre!

I'm bound to be proposing on a Saturday night

I'll be lazing on a Sunday,

Lazing on a Sunday,

Lazing on a Sunday afternoon!"

"Hey-"

"BAH! Luka! Hehe… You snuck up on me there."

"Uh, sorry. What are you doing?"

"Obviously I was singing while cleaning the dishes."

"Sure, but why singing?"

"Well I can't be whistling while I work now can I."

"Why not?"

"I haven't figured out the whistling part yet."

Three weeks!

I had to live here for three weeks until the day of Luka's baptism came.

It was a very annoying three weeks, putting up with that priest wasn't fun.

I didn't bother to socialise further with many of the locals, save for one or two of them. They had connections that I could use later.

Luka and I had also worked out the details on how I was going to help him on his quest, our quest technically. He would do all of the real fighting and I was going to be the support. If a monster defeated him, I'd drag him to safety. He'd carry his own supplies, but I'd be carry a massive backpack filled with my own stuff and extra supplies.

I'm basically the companion.

I knew today was going to be the day. I had been looking forward to leaving this village and getting started on this quest since I got here. To officially start on our quest to save the world from a mad genocidal goddess, I cannot stress that enough.

Also, maybe try to hook up with a monster or two while I'm at it. Who knows? There's bound to be friendly ones out there.

The day started unlike any other. Mostly because everyone in the village was screaming about a monster, and running to go hide in their homes.

Luka came rushing into the kitchen half dressed, pulling a shirt on as he spoke. "What's going on?! I heard Hans outside yelling about a monster attack!"

"Hans? He's the lumberjack, right? Is he okay?"

"Uh yes, why does that-" He shook his head. "What's going on?!"

"A monster came into the village, everyone is freaking out."

"Then why are you sitting there?!"

"I sat down to eat my breakfast, monsters or not, I'm not leaving this chair till I'm finished." I took a bite of my oatmeal.

"Fine! I'm going out there to help!" He finished throwing on his clothes and ran out the door.

I watched out the window as I continued eating, Luka was making slow progress running against the crowd of people. That neighbour lady, Betty, tried to stop him, but he kept going. He took long enough that I was finished eating by the time the crowd dispersed.

I had already gotten dressed for this event when I got up earlier. I dropped my bowl on the counter to clean later and before walking out the door, I checked in a shelf to make sure of a surprise I had prepared for Luka… and for a certain Monster Lord if she shows up.

If not, then what I suspect about canon is thrown out and I wing it.

God, I hope I don't need to wing it.

A few minutes of light jogging and I had reached the edge of the village where Luka was facing off against a monster.

"Darling! I knew I'd find you again one day! Come here and let me slime you!"

The monster being that clingy blue slime girl I met on my first day.

"Oh bugger."