Chapter 539

Chapter 539: Hoping, Part

Only one right answer, and only one right way to say it.

I should be honest, I should just say it, go on and prove him right, go add a definitive weight to his points... and go and crush his single last hope with it too.

Unsurprisingly, I hesitated. Silence instead of a clear answer... forgetting once again that my silence was much of an answer as any other... and Harry’s expression darken.

“I see...” He whispered, no longer with warmth, no longer holding that lax demeanor. “That’s... really too bad.”

“Call Nick, go call him instead,” I quickly said, looking over to find him no longer gazing upon the stars. “Your son will definitely answer you.”

He shook his head. “He shouldn’t.”

Regressing, he was regressing. Back to that mindset of that dying, desperate man that didn’t believe in second chances. I thought, with that phone call, we were already over this bump.

.....

Apparently not...

“Why do you – ?”

“No, why do you want this to happen so bad?” He cut across from me, quietly, but firmly. “What do you actually see here looking at me? my family? What is it that you think?”

This hunching, sullen figure beside me, with borrowed clothing from my dad that looked almost to swallow him whole. Sitting here, cowering his limbs as close to himself as possible, as if at any moment about to crumble... to collapse entirely from within.

What do I see, what do I think, he asks me...

“A man that has made mistakes,” I said slowly. “And I think... a man that’s been paying for those mistakes, and is still paying for them... knowing fully that he deserves every punishment that comes his way... and as such, refuses to see his estranged wife and daughter... because he is utterly terrified to admit that maybe doing, he’d find out that it would just end up being another mistake to pay for... another punishment he completely deserves.”

“I don’t think it is a mistake,” He speedily said. “I know It is a mistake.”

“And so the man says...” I continued on, eyeing him absentmindedly pull out another cigarette stick from a dwindling pack in his pocket. “Unwilling to take the risk that it might not be a mistake... that there might be hope for happiness to everyone, after all.”

“Happiness...” He stuck the stick between smiling lips, feebly shaking his head as he lit the end with a lighter. “So that’s what this is all about to you? That’s what you see, that’s what you think... happy endings?”

His stare froze at me for a moment, seeing me react to the smell and smoke, but I waved it off, I wasn’t bothered – and after being given the all clear, he took in a deep breath, before continuing on.

“You’re a good kid, raised well, taught well... you’re going to grow up to be a good man, a better man than me at least,” He took a huge puff, a bright, burning dot there glowing. “But by God, aren’t you just unbearably naive.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot,” I said. “Foolish and stupid is a strong second and third too. Frankly, I like to think of myself as just a very hopeful guy.”

“Let me guess... you’re the easy to forgive type too, aren’t you?”

“Well,” I shrugged. “People do say I’ve got a big heart too...”

“Let me ask you this, then,” He went and said, shifting over and giving me a raised stare. “How do you know for sure that my Hayley isn’t plenty happy already? Or that my wife isn’t? Do you not think it’s possible for them to have already moved on from it, leave it all behind them – forgotten?”

His stare went a little higher.

“Hayley’s the owner of a successful cafe startup, on her way to a business degree, ready to tackle her Master’s, and even having hopeful talks on a potential boyfriend. Meanwhile, my wife’s long retired, with a modest pension too – doing everything she has long desired to. In two weeks, she’s off to the Caribbean. Two months before that, she was buying a new dress for her first dinner date since I went out of the picture.”

The cloud of gray smoke he let out was thick, heavy, and took long to disperse.

“They moved on, okay?” He said. “They’ve forgotten about it.”

“Forgetting isn’t the same as moving on,” I said. “I’m sure they have moved on, but that doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten.”

“And so what are you suggesting I do, then? Drop by, say hi? Something like this can’t be fixed with just a few words, a few hugs, an ‘I love you’ I’ve repeated so many times already. There’s... after what I’ve done, there’s no going back to how it was. I love them, I’d die for them... but there is no going back to how it was before. Even if somehow it does... it won’t be the same, it won’t feel the same. Our love’s tainted, and I ruined it. There’s no cleansing it.”

Harry spoke with such calm acceptance, I didn’t know what else to say. I knew this wasn’t any of my business, that I was just an outsider intruding... but I just couldn’t help myself.

After seeing what he has gone through these past few days, how he clung so tightly to life despite the odds, fighting against a force he had no chance of staving off and still pull through, just so for the chance to still see his kids grow... even from afar, never once getting involved... wasn’t that punishment enough?

Even after thinking it all through, I still don’t know for sure.

But regardless of my thoughts, Harry had long decided on his own answer... looking down, quietly fiddling with a loose wedding ring that now would no longer fit around a bony finger, burning embers falling to the porch steps in ashes.

“They don’t need me to be there for them,” He whispered. “They just need to be happy.”

“But what about you?”

“Me?” He repeated, nearly smiling at the question, the breeze blowing the ashes to the wind. “Why does my happiness matter?”

“It does.”

“Not everyone is as forgiving as you, you know?” He said. “Me, especially... mistakes... ask anyone... I don’t forgive so easy.”

There was no convincing him, I realize. He knows what he wants, he knows what’s for the best... his version of the best, and whether it was right or not... we’ll never really know.

Suddenly, as if in cue, I heard a soft creak from behind, a dark presense manifesting. Adalia loomed within the shadows of the open interior, her cloudy eyes meeting mine, staring silently, intensely, and I understood completely.

I slowly stood back up, taking a couple of steps backward. Harry barely reacted, continuing to just envelop the porch with a murky gray tinge. Just as I reached the doorway, I stopped in place – I couldn’t just leave it there.

“And what are you going to do about Nick?” I asked, staring down at the small huddle silhouette. “You’re still going to see him?”

“Of course I am, nothing’s change, everything stays the same,” His weary voice answered. “So long as he wants to and chooses to, I’ll keep meeting with my son. But I know eventually that one day, he’ll realize that he shouldn’t, that the gravity of my actions would finally dawn on his conscience, and then we’ll talk and wave goodbye for the last time... and no more.”

Another puff, another sigh, then he turned and looked at me, a small smile beneath a weary gaze.

“But until then, I’ll just keep seeing him, keep loving him... just hoping that he doesn’t.”

I narrowed my lips. “It’s not much of a happy ending, honestly.”

“I suppose,” Harry replied, chuckling quietly, but his voice empty of the same tone of amusement. “But since when do the bad guys ever get the happy endings, huh?”