Chapter 685

Chapter 685: Elvish Insecurities

Just what the hell am I doing right now, seriously...

And just what the hell do I mean by what the hell am I doing? Of course, I know what the hell I’m doing. I’m just about done putting up the finishing touches on this side of the tree.

Yup, decorating the tree, that’s just all I’m doing. Nothing more, nothing less. See, I do know what the hell I’m doing... so I suppose what I actually really wanna know after all is...

Why the hell was I not doing anything else?

Ash was just directly on the other side, through a clutter of pine leaves and branches, she was there, the lofty sway of her hair like a glaring reminder protruding out the corner of my eye.

I could hear her grunts as she reached up for the higher parts, light exhales as she occasionally stepped back to reassess her work. For a first-timer on festive decor, she sure had a keen eye when it came to presentation. I watch her repeat this pattern, mixing and matching again and again trying to reach the perfect combination and look, and not once did she ever betray that look of joy she wore while doing so.

Indeed, she was pretty much the same ol’ Ash I’ve always known and loved... but why? Was there no period of grief? Had I just imagined it all? Her absence all day long, the somber tone of her voice behind locked doors? Or was she just simply ignoring that that all ever happened in the first place, placed some fresh bandages on the wound? And if so...

.....

Was it really alright for me to rip them all off again?

“Master?” Her voice suddenly filled the silence, a casual gaze peering at me from around the corner, and for some irrational reason, I couldn’t help but freeze stiff seeing them. “Perchance, do you happen to have anything blueish of color you’ve no qualms at all with parting with? I feel some contrast is what I require to achieve a harmonious blend of adornments.”

“Blueish, huh?” I looked around my side, skimmed through the contents of my box. I bent down, picked up a piece, a pair of pretty bells, but... “Would green do?”

Ash contemplated for a moment, then, “I suppose it’ll have to,” She emerged from out the same corner, reaching out and taking the bells from me without even batting an eye. “Thank you, Master. Why I daresay they might be even better than what I’ve originally envisioned.”

I tried to reciprocate with a smile, and if nothing else, I’m sure am glad it was still damn dark out. Wasn’t as obvious like this.

“Glad I could help.”

And I think it was that very moment there that clinched it for me. I went back to draping the tree drip before I realized I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ignore it any longer. I did not just have her relieve her worst memories for me just to simply sweep it all under the rug.

Time to stop beating around the bush-or, uh, tree, for this matter-and ask what I really should have asked her long ago.

Deep breath now...

“Hey, Ash...” I looked dead ahead, my own somber reflection staring at me in a stream of green beads. “Never did say, but... are you alright?”

No grunts, no exhales, on the other side, deafeningly, was a complete and total silence... lasting a few seconds that felt longer than it seemed before she spoke, “Why do you ask, Master?”

Was she just asking? Was she still just ignoring? Or was she just simply too reluctant to really answer?

I pressed on. “You worried me, remember? And just so you’re aware, I still am very much. After all, a lot happened, didn’t it? After last night.”

“I suppose so...”

“And today you were distant, different...” I fumbled briefly while hanging up a bauble. “Can’t really expect me to just brush that off. I’m happy you’re fine now, don’t get me wrong, but... are you though?”

Ash again fell back to silence, but a rustle in the branches told me she wasn’t wholly unresponsive, still ever so devoted to finishing her task.

“You said you needed time to reflect on things, and y’know, I don’t mind if you need a little more. If you’re just forcing yourself to look alright for me, then I don’t want-”

“I do not pose, Master, I assure you,” Ash interjected, speaking gently. “How I am now is simply as is. How I acted earlier was merely a passing phase.”

“A phase of what?” I asked. “Grief?”

“Grief, sorrow, regret, anger, guilt...” Ash added on. “...fear.”

“Fear?”

“Fear of you, Master,” Ash clarified. “Fear of your words, of your reactions, now knowing what you know of me, the things I’ve done, the things you’ve seen. I did not wish for you to see me today for I feared what I may see myself upon peering back into your eyes.”

“What?” I looked around the corner again, only she wasn’t there. “Did you think that I’d hate you or something?”

“Hate...” She whispered, and I could hear the faint amusement in her tone. “No, most likely not. You can never, Master. But I will not pretend that the notion did not strike me then along with disgust, contempt. But alas, I supposed what I was truly afraid of was the prospect that you will no longer think of me the same way you always have. That you will no longer look at me the same way that you always do.”

Right then, even the rustling had stopped now. All this time, I had thought she was wallowing in a reopened wound of the past. That she just needed some time again to recover... but this, what she was saying... it was the same thing I had been agonizing about all that time before.

With Adalia, spilling my worries to her, asking her that question I couldn’t find an answer to-can I still love her the same way I always do?

How strange. And here I was thinking I was the only one stressing over it.

“Is that why you came to me now?” I asked. “Ready to see for yourself?”

“Among various other reasons, yes.”

“Reasons like?”

“The desire of your company once more. Or even the temptation of indulging in great festivities alongside you. Time and time again, they have proven a compelling urge. Alas, the fear I held simply continued to persist, and so I stayed. ”

So Amanda was right on the money. The party was a great move on her part... just not exactly the correct solution.

“But now I am done allowing that fear to take hold of me,” Ash said. “I long to be with you again, Master. To keep myself away from you would only be a greater misery. So that is why I am here now... despite my fear, despite everything... because more than anything, Master... I just simply wish to see your face again.”

Turns out, I didn’t need a bombastic party to lure her out of her shell. All I needed after all... was simply me.

“So tell me then, Master,” Ash slowly said, and faintly, I could pick up the tightness in her tone. “Right now, before you, knowing what you know, what do you see?”

Then there it was, those illustrious gleams in the night, the shimmer of eyes emerging and meeting mine, looking so apprehensive, tense, waiting for my answer.

And just like with Adalia, I didn’t hesitate for even a second.

“You, Ash,” I responded, staring as I always do, smiling as I always do, always and forever looking at her. “I just see you.”

A moment passed. Her eyes flickered, and immediately they began to soften.

“Then I’ve simply made much of a fool of myself, haven’t I?” She sighed. “Keeping you at arm’s length, shutting myself away, inquiring of such a thing-thinking, acting as if I do not already know that you will come to accept me no matter what.”

“You’re not perfect, Ash,” I said to her. “I never expect you to be.”

“But alas, there is still much that you don’t know of me...” She muttered, that look of apprehension resurfacing. “What you’ve seen last night was merely a small fraction of a whole. If you just knew of what I’ve done...”

“Then tell me, I’ll listen,” I gently urged. “And when you’re finished, I’ll just go ahead and accept you all over again.”

Ash stared at me for some time, and it was like my very existence utterly mystified her or something.

“Unconditionally, Master...” She whispered, blinking at me with a gaze that couldn’t quite comprehend. “How, I wonder of you... how is it that you can love me so unconditionally?”

Again, I didn’t take long for an answer.

“As I said, I know you’re far from perfect, Ash,” I said. “But as you are right now, scars, faults, and flaws, even with all of that, to me you’re more than perfect already.”

“But...”

“Even if you think I’m wrong for it,” I quickly added. “And yeah, sure, it’s biased, it’s ignorant, but trust me, that’s not going to stop me from wanting to see you how I see you. Or what-do you actually want me to hate you?”

Her eyes widened with alarm at that, and just seeing her that panicky, I went and immediately backtracked. “I’m kidding, obviously.”

“A terrible joke, Master,” Ash whispered, clenching fingers gripping tightly at my shirt. “But I suppose I am much of the same... your imperfections, your flaws, your awful sense of humor...”

“Hey...”

“All of it,” She said firmly. “I wouldn’t change a single part of it.”

“Both ways, see?” I cocked my head at her. “So if you can love me for me despite me being me. Then can I please have your permission to simply love you for you?”

“Permission... you ask of me... oh...” I saw her lips faintly twitch at that. “Very well, Master... if you would have me.”

I took her words as literally as possible, and did what I’ve always wanted to do since I rose from that nightmare oh so long ago.

“Don’t mind if I do,” I said, and wrapped my arms around her in a tight, unyielding embrace. with no intention whatsoever of ever letting go.

At least for the next five minutes.

“Y’know,” I said. “I just realized you still never answered my question... sure you’re alright?”

Ash slowly wrapped her own arms around me, holding me even tighter, firmer, and perhaps with even stronger intentions.

“I am now,” She answered.

And for this time, hearing the delight in her voice, the tenderness... I felt more than inclined now to finally believe her.