Chapter 61: Eshwyln The Elf-Knight, Part 2

Couldn't help myself, hearing that - couldn't stop myself from sputtering out even more baseless nothings that served no purpose other than to just fill the oppressive silence.

"I don't think that of you. I just want you to understand that, and I really think you shouldn't too. That - that Elf you saw… the things she did, you didn't do that, that wasn't your actions. Ash, that wasn't you."

"Wasn't me?" Her voice was stiff. "Master, perhaps you should rewind the scene back and listen again. I believe I was being rather specific there with my introduction."

"You're not her..."

"I will be."

"No, no, why do you keep doing that? Why do you keep insisting on that?" It was so vexing to hear that, so aggravating to the senses. Riled me up like nothing ever did.

"You still deny my nature."

"To the very end," I said, getting up on my feet. "I just wish you'd do the same for yourself."

"So easily," Ash muttered. "You deny the reality of it so easily."

"I'm staring at the reality right now!" I said, my eyes locked onto hers. "How do you explain it? The kindness, the selflessness, the way you are now? If this isn't you, then tell me - what exactly am I staring at here?"

Three hours was plenty of time to prepare. Three hours of just sitting and watching gave plenty of opportunities to run through imaginary conversations in your head. I did run through it in my head. Dozens and dozens of times.

What I'd say, what she'd say, the words she would use, and the things that I would say to them back. I even deluded myself to think that I have gotten it all planned out from the very beginning.

But the truth was, the game was rigged from the start.

Ash calmly answered my question with truths of her own.

"A lie. What you see in front of you is but a lie. A lie I so desperately wanted to paint as truth. A false image, a misinterpretation of what I truly represent… an outlier among outliers."

"What are you talking about, Ash?"

"Have you encountered any other Elf beside myself? Have you bear witness to their mannerisms, their behavior, or even their way of life? You haven't. Clearly, you haven't. Otherwise, you wouldn't be so adamant as you are now."

"I'm adamant because you think you're them!" I argued back. "You're right, I don't know any other Elves, you're all I got to go by. But even if you're right, even if all Elves are truly as evil as you say they are, that does not mean you have to condemn yourself with that same line of thinking, because you aren't them! You aren't evil!"

"Why is that, then? Because you yourself claimed it to be so?" Ash stood up, her eyes as furrowed as my own. "Master, I had years… centuries to try and defy my true nature, and I have. Master, I am still defying. But you can't defy reality, you can't go against the way things are… you can only accept it. I have accepted it. Who Eshwyln of the Old Guard was, is, and who she'll inevitably turn out to be in the end."

"Ash, you -!"

"Who I am and what I am now is just merely the result of this pointless defiance. Master, you saw who I really was just then… that was me, a me that finally accepted, a me that finally submitted to my nature. Did you notice how happy I looked right then?"

Happy? That was happiness? That sick twisted grin, that loud deranged cackle - that was happiness? To me, that was anything but. Yet Ash saw different, she still saw different… that strange look of longing in her eyes, what the hell?

It's like you wanted that...

"So you being my servant, acting so nice to me… your kindness… that's your defiance?"

"If I act kind, then maybe perhaps I will be kind."

"You are kind!"

How did things get so off the rails so quick? How was it that I was shouting and not comforting? Anger, so much anger, surging through my veins, but why? I wasn't angry at her, was I?

I didn't know who was it that this irrational rage was directed towards until it finally happened, until Ash turned and smiled at me.

It was me. I hated myself. Because I had her smiling again for all the wrong reasons. I couldn't provide any semblance of comfort, couldn't convince her to see things my way, all I did was shouted and screamed myself hoarse at her.

There was no reason for that smile to be on her face. Unless it was for me… for my hurting, for my distress. That same gentle expression back at the park.

Just like back then, I couldn't do anything for her and I despised myself for that.

"I'd like to believe that," Ash muttered, her gaze dropping to the side. "Perhaps in time, I will. But for now, Master… it is late and I think it'd be wise to - "

"It isn't real, Ash."

Words that left not in a mutter, I spoke them out and I spoke them loud. A part of me wanted to think that I didn't know what came over me… but that would just be me lying. I knew exactly why I said it, and why I didn't just stop there.

"It didn't actually happen. Asteria it's - it's just a game, a fake… a form of mindless entertainment for the masses, none of it actually happened… you can't take this at face value because it's all fiction, alright? If you're evil, if you're good - it doesn't matter here, because in here it isn't real. None of it was real."

Ash stayed silent throughout my pathetic spiel. Once I finally stopped, she was still quiet. The only difference being from then to now was that there wasn't a smile on her face anymore, nor was there even a frown.

Another difference was that she was staring, and she kept staring. Her glowing green emeralds shimmering the face of a man so full of ire and resentment.

I saw him, saw me, and saw a total stranger reflecting back. A face I didn't recognize.

Regret. If only it had come sooner… Ash wouldn't have been staring at me the way she did right then.

"And what of me, Master?" she finally spoke, her voice going soft. "Am I real?"

"Didn't mean it," I said at once. "Ash, I didn't - "

"I know," There was that smile again, less prominent now than it was before. "I know you didn't."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't," A slight pause, with a slight grimace. "You don't apologize, Master… not to me."

"Ash, don't start with that now, please. Your feelings - "

"Nine o'clock."

"What?"

"It's nine," she repeated. "The… the Matriarch, she usually feeds at this hour, does she not?"

I could sense the unsteadiness, the stiffness in tone, didn't take any Elf-ears to pick up on the words beyond those words.

"You're making me leave?"

"No - I'd never… no I'm not! Master, I just…" A deep breath. "Give me time, please? I need time… alone. Just for now."

Alone was the last thing I wanted her to be right then. The state of everything as it was, it was as much in flames as the village was back then. I realized, however, that this wasn't a battle I would win.

Not with that pleading tone, not with that aching look. The one time I didn't want a later…

It seems that laters were all that I was good for.

"Alright," I told her. "Just for now."

Took the stool, took my phone off the table and into my pocket, then I moved and reached for the laptop. Then just right before I could shut it close, Ash spoke out again.

"Could you… could you leave that one here?" She said, the controller still sitting firmly in one hand. "I… I haven't finished yet."

Another request, another look, another, 'Alright."

The opened door greeted me with a hallway dimly illuminated by moonlight rays that somehow had filtered through the window blinds.

It didn't feel right traversing into the hall with nothing else to say from either of us. Yet regardless of what was right, that was what had happened. She opened the door, and I trudged along.

I had to say something.

She closes that door and that was it, everything that was ever said, everything that ever happened, it will all remain in that room there, everything as is will stay as is.

Door was closing.

"Ash," I turned around. I spoked. "Tomorrow. Will I see you downstairs tomorrow? For Breakfast?"

A little crevice was all that kept the door from shutting close by the time I was done. A meager gap in the doorway where only I could see her slightly and she, me.

"You'll be there, right?"

That was my say, now, what was hers? What could it be?

I should have known already… I was surprised that I was still surprised. Ash closed her door shut and offered nothing in words.

Nothing… except for a small smile peeking through.