Chapter 141: Reflections

Honesty is the best policy. That's usually what the moral and the just people keep telling us to do, that the only right way is the honest way. In a perfect world, I'm sure that's what everybody would be doing.

But in this imperfect world, lying was by far so much easier than telling the truth.

Here though… in this case… what do you do when a lie would hurt just as much as the truth?

Ash's gaze towards mine was earnest, sincere… if there ever was a need to explain to somebody just what complete and total faith in a person looks like - all I would have to do was simply point at her and say 'There you go'.

Betraying that faith… breaking her trust… 'No, it wasn't you'... those words could so easily roll off my tongue and I wouldn't even put it past me to say it while also wearing the most reassuring smile on my face.

I didn't, though I won't lie (ironically), it did prove a tempting thought. The easy way over the honest way. Still, I did not go through everything that I did just so that my conscience could rest a little easier - heck, I don't even know if it would… and besides... I ain't all that good of a liar, anyway.

"Good guess…" I mumbled, shaking my head and eyes away to the bathroom mirrors.

Affirming her suspicions was already hard enough, having to stare at her dead in the eye while doing so - well I guess I wasn't all that good at confrontations either.

Her reflection's reaction was just as painful as the real deal ever would be - those long white locks of hair falling along with her eyes, those slender hands of hers slowly slumping down to her sides.

"I didn't guess," She said quietly.

The fact that she didn't have to was sadly just par for the course… Oh, mirror, mirror on the wall… who's the most miserable of them all?

"It doesn't really mean anything, Ash," I said slowly, trying all I can to rectify matters. "It sorta means you're just a little beyond understanding to me right now."

"It is as if misfortune itself walks along with our every step together, does it not?" She turned, meeting my eyes again in the mirror, "Since we've first met, it always seems you've known only pain in my presence."

"None of which was any of your fault," I added. "Even now… it was just an accident."

"Regardless… anybody else would have threaded great caution, anybody else would have thought twice about associating more with the likes of me… I hate to wonder, but I do… sometimes I do… Master, why have you yet to cast me away?"

I blinked. "Cast you away? You mean, like what - abandoned you?"

Her reflection nodded. "I doubt anybody else who has undergone your plights wouldn't have done so already."

"Do you want me to?"

"Irrelevant to the question," She said. "My wants are not your wants."

"Well, I want you to stay," I said at once, turning back to the non-mirrored version of her. "And I think I speak for the both of us when I say we share a pretty common 'want' there."

"I do not doubt that," She looked up at me again. "But why is that you persist - "

"Never mind the why," I said, cutting her off. "Never mind the how, never mind the whos, the what… you stay because I want you to stay, and you'll do it because you want to. No rhyme or reason to it. Does it really need any justification at all, let me ask you?"

"Anybody else - "

"I'm not anybody else."

No words came after that. I half-expected this, really. If experience had taught me anything, it was that Ash was the hardest individual to assure. If she blamed herself for something, then there was nothing anybody could do to convince her otherwise, even if the fault was never hers to bear with in the first place.

I knew that telling the truth, I knew that avoiding having to lie… that self-loathe, that tension, that distance we've finally closed spreading wide… that's the price she paid for that trust, for that faith.

It was frustrating to know that all progress we have made could just be so easily unraveled by a few measly words. It's amazing in a way… a little bout of sincere honesty… and we've gone back to exactly how we were before any of this.

Except... not really…?

Was that a smile? Could have sworn I saw a smile there. A little one, small one, or was that just a twitch? No, yep, I did see a twitch… but not there... her ears were twitching, her lips were smiling, and her expression was brightening.

Maybe it wasn't so easily unraveled as I thought.

"As expected," She said, tension oozing away. "I can't comprehend you not one bit."

Speak for yourself. What happened to the whole process of misery, and sadness, and self-hate? She bounced back so quick, it's unsettling. Did I miss something?

Ash sighed. "I'd apologize, but - "

"You don't have to apologize for anything," I said quickly.

"Exactly," She said almost wearily. "With you, there's nothing to apologize for. I understand that now. It is as you say, you are not anybody else." 

I didn't really know how I was supposed to respond to that. But I didn't really want to discourage this sudden surge of optimism so I just went along with it and nodded my head like I understood. 

"Which makes having failed you hurt a lot more, even - !" She cut in just as I opened my lips to interject. "Even if you yourself will never see it that way." 

Before I would have thought of those words as dangerous slippery slopes down the cliff of negativity, but the sparkle in her eyes continued to betray the gloominess in her words and suddenly I didn't know what to think anymore.

"I want to see it your way," She said, determination ringing loud in her voice. "I want to see the me that you see with your eyes. The Ash infallible, the Ash dependable… the Ash that is truly worthy of your kind smiles." 

I was starting to understand now… when she looked into the mirror, when I looked into the mirror - where she would see flaws, I'd see virtues. 

Same mirror, different reflections. 

Little does she know - it goes both ways too. I'm not the benevolent, respect-worthy Master she saw me as. Far from it, really. 

"As I am now, I am neither of those things." 

Me too, Ash. Me too.

"But I would like to be," She continued, her head held high in deep resolve. "I will try to be."

Resolutions instead of regrets. Doubling down instead of scampering away. It was a far cry from how she was before she got herself out of that sleep coma. 

I could only smile, could only inch closer - I held her hand, squeezed her hand - nor rhyme or reason to it, and muttered out words to her that was as honest as I could possibly make them be. 

"You already are."

Ash smiled at that, her long ears twitched at that too… she didn't say anything, but she didn't have to… instead she squeezed back and nodded her head.

I admit, a little heart to heart moment with Ash within the white-tiled confines of the ladies restroom inside of a studio complex enshrouded with the presence of a mysterious game-developing Magus was the last thing I'd expect to get out from this venture here.

Can't say I particularly dislike the turn of events though, really. In fact, I'd even wager to say it was worth nearly dying for. Look at that… seems like those moral, just, do-gooders in the world were right after all.

Honesty really is the best policy.

Ash and I stayed exactly as were for a moment or two longer than we should - not long enough that sundown came and went, but certainly long enough for things to get a bit awkward.

We broke away, took a step away, still smiling faintly at each other. I think I might have been a little red in the face but I certainly wasn't going to peek myself in the mirror to find out.

Ash, on the other hand, remains pale-faced, not changing a shade, though I don't think I've ever seen her ears squirm and wriggle as much as they did before. Any faster, and she'd be helicopter-ing out of here.

"Think it's best if we really get going," I suggested, clasping my hands together. "Irene's probably interrogated half the employees by now, would be a shame to miss it."

"Indeed," She said, turning herself sideways towards the doorway. "Let us make haste."

Side by side we walked, side by side we left, traversing through the doorway was like having my spirit be cleansed, I felt so rejuvenated and alive, but I knew I couldn't let my focus wander.

We still had a job to do.

And do it we shall.