Chapter 50 - Melancholy

||Innaya||

The dark cloud completely covered the sky, blocking any and every means of light. What started as a slow drizzle, turned into the heavy downpour within a couple of minutes, assaulting everything in its path.

Melancholy...

The one single word was enough- to describe the weather as well as a state of my mind and heart.

I was drenched from head to toe, yet I could not feel anything. My body had grown numb just like my mind. The rain accompanied by heavy wind continued slapping against my skin rather harshly. How I wanted the darkness to swallow me.

*

(flashback)

I closed the balcony door and pulled the curtains over it. It was raining heavily and God knew how much I hated rain. They always brought the bad memories I tried to keep locked.

That woman had me locked up in the terrace for a whole night in the heavy rain. Thankfully, there was enough shelter to cover my nine-year-old self. The whole night I had kept crying for my mother to take me away from the darkness, loud thunder noises, and cold wind.

"Sweetheart?" Eshan voice came from behind me. His endearments were growing on me. I was so used to them that I would think something was missing if he did not use them.

I wiped the tears that escaped reviving that horrible night before I turned to him. Eshan walked to me with the small smile playing on his lips. He stood beside me, slid the curtain away, and opened the door I had just closed.

"You know what is so good about rainy season?"

"What's good about it? It is all wet and muddier everywhere. Not to forget the whole new set of viruses resulting in sickness. Did I mention the gloominess and the scary thunderstorms?" I blurted my distaste for them.

Eshan's eyes lingered on my face; I resisted the urge to check my face for any sign of my emotional turmoil seconds ago. He smiled as if he found something he was searching. Circling his arm around my shoulder, he led me in the balcony.

"It depends upon experience, Tesoro."

Turning me around so that I was facing the railings, Eshan stood behind me- very close. His hands travelled from my shoulders slowly, until he reached my palm. His fingers found their way in-between space of my own before entwining.

Breathe- slowly and steadily.

I repeated in my mind, as I tried not flinching at the sudden sound of thunder followed by lightning.

"You know, I found rain fascinating when I was sixteen."

I wanted to turn around to ask what the meaning of that was. His hold kept me from moving. Resting his chin on my shoulder, he squeezed my palm. The warmth of his body surrounded me like a warm blanket and I couldn't help but lean more into him.

"Why?"

"Wrong question," Eshan chuckled near my ear, "moglie(wife)."

There, it was- his new endearment.

Sighing, I smiled.

"Now what is the meaning of that?"

"Wrong question, again," Eshan whispered.

"How?"

"Huh?" I dumbly asked.

"Later, I will tell you later. Now, close your eyes and focus on the sound."

"I guess we should sleep," I turned in his arms and he let me. The wind was gaining speed and alongside the rain too. That was not helping me to let aside that night, standing here seem only to make matter worse.

Concerned, his eyes roamed on my face. His right hand came around my waist while his left palm covered my eyes.

"We will, but for now- trust me."

For the fact, I knew he was not going to back away then what was the use. Inhaling sharply, I nodded at him giving in his demand.

"Imagine yourself in the shower."

"What the-"

"Shhh... Imagine yourself below showerhead. Rain is just like the shower, only difference it is the bigger one. The shower helps in refreshing our body and mind and rain does exactly on large scale. It is the way of someone up there, to clean the earth," Eshan paused, letting the information sink in. I did imagine what he was saying. The new perspective was quite refreshing.

"You just have to embrace it with all your heart then only you can find peace in things you do and around you. So, forget why you dislike it and find something that can actually make it worth your smile. Hmm?"

I had no idea how but somewhere I felt, he was talking about my fears. He indirectly was comforting me for something he had no inkling about. Moments later, his arms came around me, pulling me into his chest. With my head resting on his chest, I listened to the beating of his heart. I breathed in his fragrance, for the very fast time not caring about the thunder, rain or the memories they brought.

*

(flashback ends)*

How drastically life changed for me. One night I was in his arms trying to forget my fear and tonight I was here facing my fear, which for the first time did not have any effect on me.

Regret.

I had the regret of many things in my life but the biggest regret was, blaming the man who loved me unconditionally. The heartbroken expression of Eshan haunted me - day and night from the last one month.

*

'Today I am freeing you from everything.'

'You don't trust me and without trust, there is no love.'

*

My legs gave away and I fell on my knees- defeated. Tears streamed down my eyes mixing with the raindrops. Hollowness washed over me and I couldn't help but blame myself. I did not know for how long I was on the floor but I couldn't care as well.

A shadow loomed over my hunched form before someone pulled me on my feet.

"Enough. Get inside and change."

Eshan.

Hope bloomed in my heart at the aspect of him coming back to me. Blinking, through the blurry vision, I searched for the honey brown eyes I had missed looking directly into. Just like that, my hope crushed when I saw the blue eyes glaring at me.

"I said get inside, now."

This was the first time in last four weeks he talked to me directly. He had given me silent treatment but that was the worst punishment.

He was angry. However, his anger was justified. I had hurt his best friend. Hurt was the small word for what I did to Eshan. Nobody knew what had transpired between us that day. However, somehow Arjun knew. I had no idea how he found out, but he did.

I had woken up in the hospital bed alone; all hooked up to machines after my panic attack had kicked in and had entrapped me in its clutches. I searched for Eshan only to realize he was never there in the first place.

A sob bubbled in my throat once again, for the nth time. How beautiful everything was, but I ruined it. My chest constricted with the pain, I couldn't help but cry at my own doing. The memories of our time together danced before my eyes, bringing the wave of pain for losing the chance to feel them again.

"Make it stop, please." I held Arjun's collar with trembling hands. It became unbearable for me. With no one to share my grief, I had kept everything to myself. Today, I just couldn't. For the first time, I broke in front of him, letting out my pain through the only way I could- tears.

His eyes softened. If no one else, he was the only person who could understand the reason behind my behavior. Even if, we had never really talked regarding my PTSD, he would understand, I knew he would- only if he would let me explain.

"It hurts."

"Please Arjun, make it stop. Bring him back... pl... please... I'm sorry... please," I cried out.

I did not care what would he think of me. I broke his friend with cruel and unrequited accusations. He probably hated the mere sight of me. Nevertheless, I wanted him to bring Eshan back to me. I would beg him for forgiveness; plead him until he heard my side of the story but only if came back.

Arjun's hands held my wrists, freeing his collar from my hold he dragged me inside until we were standing in front of the washroom.

Facing me, his blue eyes flashed with hurt before they hardened in a cold glare.

"Sometimes sorry is not enough, Innaya. It isn't."