Chapter 55 - Alone...

|Innaya|

I stared blankly at the white ceiling as I lay in the big bed, alone. After swallowing some soup, I had left the kitchen. I dared not to lift my head when I was crossing the living room. I had long sensed that all of Eshan's friends were still in the living room but the only difference was that they made sure to keep their voices down. Thankfully, their lack of insistence helped me. It relieved me. 

I failed to understand who amongst them would be a better choice for asking help. I needed to find Eshan and that too as soon as possible. The month-long agony was taking a toll on me. My spirits were losing and so was my ability to hold on.

I never had thought that someone would become so important in my life. Slowly and steadily, he had made his place in my life. I'd become so habitual to having him with me, around me. Biting my lips, I blinked my eyes. I was never this emotional. This past month proved otherwise. My emotions were always on tenterhooks and my tears like unannounced rain, slight mention of Eshan and I was reduced to nothing. 

I turned on my left, glancing at now empty space beside me, the space that belonged to Eshan. Lifting my hand, my palm leisurely roamed across the sheets. I didn't know what I was trying to do. There weren't any traces of him left, sheets had been changed, and pillow covers had been changed. Then, what was I looking for?

The cream color white fluffy small teddy placed between our pillows caught my attention. Taking it out from there, I kept it beside me, in Eshan's place. Though the small thing couldn't compare to Eshan nonetheless it brought back the memory of that evening when I got to know about how Eshan held onto my dubu without my knowledge.

*

(Flashback)

*

I searched for my teddy bear in the bedroom but I didn't find it. So, I made my way downstairs even when I knew that I didn't take it anywhere else. 

'Who knows? Your memory is way poorer than that of the world's poorest person.'

'Who are you calling dumb?'

'Of course, it's you.'

'You just proved how dumb you are. We're the same person and yet you are calling my memory poor.'

I stopped in my tracks. Was I seriously talking and arguing with myself? I laughed at my silly behavior.

The sound from Eshan's study grabbed my attention. Then I recalled that I'd been to his study with Dubu. I shook my head at my stupidity. I changed my direction and directly entered in Eshan's study. 

"Eshan, have you seen my dubu?" I asked him the moment I entered his study room.

Though I had asked him the question, my eyes were busy searching for my most loved possession. When I didn't receive any response from him, I frowned in confusion. Lifting my head, I looked at him, wondering what he was occupied with.

I didn't notice the familiar figure of my husband at first. Curtains of the window were drawn aside and the large window was open, letting inside the cool air. The chair which usually was placed behind the table in the middle had changed in the position. The chair was now facing the open window.

I walked at the other end of the room. When I rounded the table and came to stop beside the chair. 

Unknown to my presence, Eshan was soundly sleeping in that chair. His hair was disheveled due to the wind coming from outside. My eyes widen in astonishment when I noticed what my dear husband was holding in his arms.

My dubu.

From past one hour, the dubu, I was searching for was now captive in my husband's hands. I didn't realize that the tough-looking, grown-up and mature person like Eshan, would be so tender towards some soft toy. He was literally, holding the toy with tremendous care and even in his sleep he face didn't lose the charm. It also didn't hide the contentment. I was not sure for what reasons his face had that smile but I liked it.

The way his lips were curved in that beautiful arc was a real treat to eyes. I leaned against the wall, folding my arms across my chest. My eyes refused to part with the sleeping man.

The defenseless man, who had given in to his tiredness and had succumbed to the darkness, had a unique charm about himself. I couldn't help but keep staring at him. Of course, I knew that was rude and wrong. Well, it wasn't wrong. The person was my husband not just some random guy to take liberties with. I could look at him for all my life, who would say anything to me?

My thoughts surprised me. Since when I started harboring such kinds of thoughts?

Eshan stirred a little, hugging my innocent teddy bear more tightly in his arms. His little action broke the beautiful haze I was in. I knew he would soon wake up, so letting him have these few moments of peacefulness, I left to bring him some snacks and his favorite ginger tea. For the first time, I left my teddy to someone else other than me. I didn't forget to sneakily take a picture of him with my dubu though. 

*

(Flashback ends)

*

I stared at the picture I had taken that. I had thought I would tease Eshan with this photo. It wasn't an everyday case that fully grown-up man would cuddle with girly toys. 

I never got that chance of teasing Eshan. I caressed the photo on my mobile screen. I could only touch him this way. 

Was Eshan feeling the same way? Was he longing for me or did he hate me? Had I hurt him so much that he didn't like to see me anymore? What was I supposed to do? Where was I supposed to find him?

Should I ask my in-laws?

There were many questions but no answers. My head ached. I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep and anyhow if I got one then I would have a nightmare because of Sahil's incident.

I sat down and took my medicine pouch from the bedside table. These days, I left it there only instead of the cupboard for I seemed to be needing them more than any time. I took out one sleeping tablet from my medicine pouch. I gulped down it with water.

Placing the medicine pouch and glass back to their places, I lied down again. This time clutching my dubu near my heart I waited for sleep to come and lessen my pain at least temporarily.