|Eshan|
Last night when Innaya opened up little about her insecurities, I wondered how much more she was holding in. When she showed me her scar, my mind had stopped working. I could not believe how cruel her father was. My eyes froze on that scar. I had every intention of hunting that bastard and make him pay for his every crime.
I could not fall asleep. For most of the night, I only held onto the woman in my arm. She slept soundly, wrapped around me. I spent my night looking at her innocent face. How could someone have the heart to hurt her?
The mere imagination of what she had gone through for years was unsettling. I wanted to help her. I would do everything to make her forget about that worst period of her life. At that time I decided to take her to the hospital. Neglecting her health might result in some complications and I did not want that.
However, I did not know what came over me. After waking her up, I wanted to see that scar. The urge to see it was too intense to ignore. I gave in my urge and proceeded with it. I took her consent. I would never make her uncomfortable; hence I gave her the chance to decide and she agreed. Without questioning me, Innaya gave me permission silently. Her blind trust was overwhelming.
When I lifted her top and camisole, just like last night, I froze seeing that long scar against her ivory skin. I dared not imagine how painful, it would have been for her. My heart throbbed with pain. My fingers longed to touch that scar, but I held back at the last moment.
I knew the wound had healed long ago. Touching it wouldn't cause her any pain, but I could not bring myself to touch it. My fingers lingered across her skin in the air.
I raised my head, looking at Innaya through the mirror.
Immediately I left her top and camisole when I saw her condition. Her face had turned purple. Her nails were clawing on her throat. Her face was ghastly pale. It did not take me long to realize that she was having a panic attack.
I held her and made her lie down as I pulled her hands that were harming her. In just a couple of minutes, I had failed to notice her, lost in looking at that scar.
"Innaya," I called out her name, but her hazy eyes did not look at me.
Her hands kept going back to her neck, and I did not understand the reason behind it. She was fine just a while ago. Then what exactly triggered her?
I held onto both hands of hers, preventing her from getting hurt. With my free hand, I caressed her face, but she did not respond to me. She started gasping for air, choking at the same time.
She suddenly went limp. Her mouth was tightly locked and her almond-shaped eyes were filled with fear.
"Tesoro?"
Why wasn't she responding to me? It never happened except from that time two months ago. Her complexion turned worse. Placing my fingers under her nose, I panicked when I realized she wasn't breathing. I rubbed her face, tried to get her to look at me.
"Breathe damn it."
I panicked when nothing was working. She was not responding to my voice, my touch. She did not seem to be in her senses. Watching her struggle, my eyes teared up. Her chest stopped moving because she was not breathing.
Was she going in a shock?
No.
It was not time to get emotional.
I toughened up myself. My wife needed me. I needed to make a decision. I needed a way to make Innaya respond.
I leaned down and held her jaw. Pinching her nose, I pried open her mouth. Inhaling mouthful of air, I then bent down and started giving mouth to mouth respiration. That was the most basic and useful thing I could think at that moment.
Getting worked up was only going to worsen the situation. I needed to calm down and handle Innaya more carefully. My heart was pounding in my chest. I feared if I was going to have an anxiety attack.
After a couple of attempts, Innaya finally started breathing, but it was more rushed, panting kind of gasping. She had still not recovered her senses.
Her unfocused eyes scared me.
"Sweetheart, are you okay? Breathe, sweetheart. Innaya?" She did not respond to me. Her unresponsiveness was starting to make me anxious.
"What should I do? What should I do?" I thought out aloud. My thoughts ran in every direction searching for ways to get Innaya out of her attack.
"Water. Yes! Shower." I somewhere had read that showers helped in coping with a panic attack.
I lifted her in my arms and rushed to the bathroom. I was going to try every way I knew. One of them would work. It had to work.
Once inside the washroom, I placed Innaya on her feet, supporting her limp body with my own. Turning on the faucet, I stood with Innaya under the showerhead.
Getting drenched under the warm water, I waited for Innaya to return to the normal...
She still seemed to be trapped in some haunting memory. Was it related to her scar? Then why did she not have such an extreme reaction yesterday? She was emotional last night but she did not go in shock. I could not understand anything anymore.
I caressed her cheek as I cupped her face in my left hand. With my right hand, I held her fragile body close to my chest. The water falling in both of us had long ago made our clothes stick to our bodies. Her long hair stuck to her face and on her back along with her clothes.
Yet, it did not seem to be working. I removed those wet locks away from her face. Her statue-like condition was worrying me too much. Had I rushed her into something? Should I not have been so direct with my actions? Thinking about those questions was of no use. Time wasn't going to reverse. Things weren't going to change.
I could only work on getting her to respond.
I placed my forehead against Innaya's as I helplessly hugged her. "Sorry. I'm sorry, sweetheart. Please, talk to me. Innaya? Darling? Please, tell me what it is? Tell me what's bothering you so much?" I earnestly called out to her.
My voice cracked, her unresponsiveness was truly terrifying. The water falling on me was obstructing my view.
Suddenly Innaya gasped. Being so close to her, I could feel her heavy breaths. Her eyes were regaining their focus. Blinking her frightened eyes, her wet eyelashes fluttered. My heart fluttered too for she was finally showing response.
I did not call out her name, neither did I say anything. I did not want to startle her. She had to get out of her that trap her memory had laid.
Her almond-shaped brown eyes stared at me. I could see, she was still processing what went wrong. She was still in the middle of regaining control of her senses back.
My hand went behind her head, cradling it securely as my left hand went lower on her back. Pulling her closer, despite deciding to give her time, I could not help but act otherwise.
She was too precious for me. Watching her struggle had made me die down countless times. I could not bear to watch her in that state.
This was the worst panic attack she had before my eyes. In the past wherever she suffered panic attacks, she would respond to me. My voice would reach out to her, even in those moments of despair. She would fight her way back out of those terrible moments. However, this time, it looked way too different. The intensity of her attack was too much too bear for her. I could also feel the difference.
How was I meant to help her, when I could not even hold myself together after witnessing her in that state?
"Eshan."
Finally. Finally, I could breathe freely. She called out my name and that was when I broke down. I could not let her see me like that. I immediately buried my head in her shoulder, breathing deeply to control my tears.
Those hot tears gathering in my eyes were of relief.
I was relieved. She had broken out of that nightmare. My Innaya was not that weak. She had finally managed to take control back and shove away that nightmare away.
I felt proud of her. At the same time, I felt guilty for putting her in that condition. Somewhere, I had been the reason for putting her through this.
*