Chapter 175 - I'm not that fickle to think only with my lower half.

|Innaya|

Why was I afraid?

He asked me this question. What kind of answer was he expecting?

I was afraid of what would follow. I was afraid because without any warning Eshan made a move. I was unsuspecting.

In reality, was I afraid or hesitant?

I knew, he was no stranger but my husband. Then, why was I having doubts at such a moment?

"Innaya, are you afraid of physical intimacy? Are you afraid of us crossing that last barrier? I'm not asking you, 'what are you afraid of'. What I want to know is 'why'. It's absolutely okay for you to feel nervous, jittery, on guard, this being your first experience when it comes to such matters." Eshan probed further. His deep understanding was touching, at the same time, his analysis was unsettling.

I blinked my eyes, watching his serious face, turning more and more firm.

A flash of anger crossed his features before his eyes returned to normal.

"Today, it was my fault for rushing you. I had no intention of scaring you, but watching you— I just lost my control." His eyes darkened as if remembering that moment. "I don't know how, but I could not stop myself from showing my affection to you." He sighed helplessly.

He ran his right hand through his hair, messing his hair. "Let's talk about that unexplored aspect of our life. Instead of letting misunderstandings grow betting us, I would rather have us talking everything in open."

My heart suffered a shock listening to him. Did he want us to talk about s.e.x now? When the situation was of such kind?

'Oh, so now you want to think about your poorly dressed self when you're covered from head to toe. What? Are you feeling shy now? Where was this shyness when you were holding onto him? He insisted on getting you changed, yet you did not care. Huh!' I had to agree with my mind on that.

At that time, my brain had stopped working, thus I did not realize it.

My eyebrows drew together as I wondered what Eshan meant by talking everything in open.

Eshan folded his arms across the chest. His action made the muscles on his arms to flex. This was the first time I saw the bare part of his sturdy chest. Why was I behaving in such a way? I did not want us to take that step, yet here my eyes were being shameless and wandering as if they had a mind of their own. I forcefully controlled my eyes and fixed them on his face. That was the safest part to look at, as well as a little scary with that unchanged poker face of his.

"I'm a man. Just like any other man, I have my desires, needs too. As much as you are inexperienced in these matters, I'm no different," Eshan started saying in a firm voice as if the matter we're discussing was something casual. He made it sound like we were discussing the weather.

I sucked a deep breath. After spending so many months with him, I had a hunch that he was a v.i.r.g.i.n as well, but I would always refute that idea because of how experienced he felt in the matter of intimacy.

Somewhere, I didn't want to think about the possibility of him having been intimate with someone in the past. I did not want to imagine him with someone else.

I could not bear to. So, imagine my surprise when he confessed this with such a straight face as if he was giving a presentation to his clients.

"I've been in love with you for almost a decade. I've never indulged in such kind of things. For me, you were the only one in my heart, mind, body, and life. I wanted to have that kind of relationship with the person in my heart."

His eyes darkened with emotions for a fleeting moment, before they gazed unyieldingly in mine. It was as if was professing what would come in the future in our relationship, He was giving me a picture of his past thoughts with his future expectation.

Why hearing him say such things made my eyes wet? Whenever he mentioned being in love with me for so many years, I couldn't help but feel proud of him. His perseverance was something I never expected from men. To be able to hold onto the same person for so many years, and that too when the other person wasn't aware of his feelings, was truly remarkable.

Eshan sighed as he tilted his head to the side, before taking its previous position. He started once again, "I know we're in the twenty-first century, where the terms like v.i.r.g.i.nity don't matter for people. Call me old-fashioned or what, but I believe in s.e.x after marriage. And it should not be done for the sake of completing the deed. S.e.x shouldn't be done for the sake of doing it. I see s.e.x as being connected to you in all aspects of life. The way I'll be the only person to make love with you, you'll be the only one for me. Before you, there was no one. And, after you, there won't be the one."

No, no. I did not want to cry. I wanted to listen to him completely without, ruining the flow with my tears. It was not every day that I got to listen to him. He rarely opened up about things on his mind. I did not want to waste the opportunity. His thoughts were making me proud. Not that I had something against the people who indulged in physical intimacy before marriage.

In the end, it was a personal choice. Who we want to be with, how we want it to be, where... are all the decisions open to the person's own preference. Nobody should fear the opinions of others for no one had a right to criticize us on the choices we make, the path we chose, or how we live our life. Absolutely, no one has a right to make the decisions of your life, when you're capable of doing so.

I couldn't be more proud of Eshan. His thoughts were always deep, filled with profound understanding. From so young age, holding onto such thoughts I could not imagine having met someone like him.

"I'm not that fickle to think only with my lower half."

***