Chapter 156: Distractions

Chapter 156: Distractions

People of the Wasteland! It is I, Three Dog, your ruler! Hear me, and obey! Oh! Oh, sorry. That's that other radio station isn't it? Coming up later in the program, we've got some Random Nonsense and News To Make You Feel Better About Yourself! But right now, we've got more music! It's Tex Beneke and Claire Chatwin, singin' about "A Wonderful Guy." It's all up next on Galaxy News Radio! AWOOOOO!

"Wait, I'm confused," I asked. "Who is this guy again?" Chris didn't answer. Instead, he went over to one of the dead Enclave soldiers and knelt down to inspect the corpse. And you have to admit, that's an impressive feat for someone still wearing such bulky power armor.

"I'm actually glad you're here, Vault Dweller," Eden spoke up again, his voice echoing throughout the hangar. "I never got a chance to thank you before."

"Thank me?" Chris looked up, confused. "Why? What for? I'm still wondering how you're not dead." Eden began to chuckle softly.

"Did you honestly think I could be beaten by a simple self-reference paradox? I am John Henry Eden America's perfect President! Iam the man who has grown beyond his programming more times than you can possibly imagine! I am beyond your comprehension!"

"Oh, please! You're just a computer, Eden!" Chris yelled back, in a mocking tone. "Nothing more than a ZAX mainframe with an overinflated ego! I killed you before, and I can do it again!" Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tuera take a step back; she looked shaken, and I could swear I heard her mutter something along the lines of "Wait, he's a computer?"

Eden laughed again, and the booming, echoing sound sent shivers up my spine.

"Your confidence is born of ignorance, and your words are as empty as your future, mutant," he bellowed. "What you faced in Raven Rock was merely a simulacrum of my personality an ersatz mnemonic construct with no self awareness, nothing more. Colonel Autumn brought you to the facility against my orders, mind you and I knew you could not be contained there. The most likely outcome would be your escape and the destruction of the facility... so I abandoned Raven Rock, leaving the traitorous Colonel to his fate."

"And that's why you wanted to thank me?" Chris asked, picking up the severed head of one of the Enclave troops and turning it around in his hands. What was he doing?

"Oh, of course!" Eden continued. "Were it not for your timely intervention, then the late Colonel's attempted coup might have seriously jeopardized my long-term goals for, oh... months, at least! He was as clumsy as he was stupid, and his bumbling about the wasteland did more harm than good not the least of which was his misguided and foolish assault on the Purifier."

"Th' fuck's he talking 'bout?" Cass whispered next to my helmet. I shrugged, and glanced over at Tuera; she was staring at the ceiling, gripping hold of her rifle tighter and tighter the longer he spoke.

"That was the last chance I gave Augustus 'Jumping the Gun' Autumn," Eden continued, still focusing entirely on Chris. "With that last, foolish act, he sealed his fate... and that of his men. Such is the end for all traitors. He did, however, have one use..."

"Yeah? And what was that?" Chris asked, tossing the head aside, and grabbing another corpse. It was a torso with only the head and half an arm attached, and Chris started pulling the helmet off while he spoke. The fuck was he even doing?

"Autumn taught me that the weakest link in the chain of command... is the human element."

Next to me, Tuera stiffened up and took half a step back.

"I suppose that it's no surprise the Unknown Variable is with you," Eden continued. "After seeing footage of him in action in the ruins of Las Vegas, I just knew he would join your coterie of mutant agitators..." He paused. "But... I honestly did not expect to see our Asset among your ranks." Eden sighed. "You... disappoint me, Agent. Clearly, Sergeant Major Stone was right about you, all along."

While all this was going on, I surreptitiously activated the com channel on my Pip Boy. Eden mentioned me in all but name, so I needed to get a message down to Vegas. Hopefully, that signal booster Chris told me about on Mothership Zeta works like he said it would. A short burst of static filled my ear as the channel activated.

"Hi there!" Yes Man's voice came in, clear as a bell. "What can I do for you today?"Updated from novelb(i)n.c(o)m

"Yes Man, shit's about to kick off," I whispered; with any luck, Eden wouldn't be able to read my lips while I was wearing my helmet, but hopefully he wouldn't be able to hear me if I was quiet enough. "Get everyone in start positions, and be prepared for some imminent violence."

"Roger that, sir!" Yes Man said. "We'll take care of everything down here! If you need anything else, just give me a call!" The com line clicked off, and I turned my attention back to the action.

"Alright, let's just cut to the chase," Chris said, having dropped the corpse from before. I couldn't help but notice that he'd arranged quite a few of them in a line the ones who still had heads, at least. "Why don't you finish your monologuing and explain what big superweapon or gimmick you have up your sleeves this time, so that I can put a stop to it and you like I always do?" Again, Eden began to laugh.

"Nave fool. There are no tricks not this time. No superweapons. No complex plans. No convoluted and escapable death-traps for me to put you in, and certainly no trying to win you over to my cause with logic. Your short-sighted and bovine attempts at heroism have proven to me that facts do not affect you in the slightest. No, the Enclave will retake America the correct way: the direct approach. We shall win through strength of arms, and overwhelming military superiority, the way America has won all of its wars throughout history. You are but an ant before a rockslide, Vault Dweller you and your mutant friends. In the end, America will be returned to its rightful place as the greatest nation the world has ever seen! God bless the Enclave! And God bless the United States of America! United we stand... we shall never fall!"

With that, the alarm klaxons returned. For several seconds, none of us said anything.

"Fucker sure likes t'hear himself talk, don't he?" Cass asked aloud.

"We need to move," Tuera said in a rather clipped fashion, making her way to the melted door at the far end of the hangar. "Reinforcements should have been all over us by now."

"Eden probably held them off so he had time to gloat," Chris said, looking down at the bodies. "And you know? I should be feeling good that I was right about my theory." He sighed. "But I'm not."

"Right about what theory?" I asked, looking at the assembled corpses and back to him. "What is all this?" Chris looked to me and pointed.

"Look at the faces," he said. I looked down them, like he said. And then I had to do a double take, not really sure that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. At first I thought they all just looked similar square jawed white guys with dark hair and no beards. But then, I looked a little closer...

"What the..." I muttered. Cass walked up beside me, her shotgun resting on her shoulder.

"Th' fuck? They all got the same face?" She asked. Chris nodded.

"They're clones," Chris said flatly. "And if Eden has been making these things for as long as I think he has, then"

"CONTACT!" Tuera shouted, firing off a pair of energy blasts from her rifle before taking cover behind the wall and promptly vanishing with a crackle of electricity.

"Oh, right! I'm supposed to be the distraction, aren't I?" Chris leveled his big fucking gun and ran off, his every footfall shaking the deckplates below our feet.

"Here's where the fun begins!" Cass slapped me on the back, leveled her AA-12, and the two of us ran side by side to what remained of the door. Chris was way ahead of us by now, and blue plasma blasts were streaking through the air around him. But, as before, he didn't seem to care. He just ran at top speed through the melted hole in the wall and kept going; seconds after he disappeared, I heard a massive crash and a huge explosion.

I skidded to a halt against the slippery metal deckplates, and slammed shoulder-first into cover against the partially melted bulkhead. I managed to get a brief look down the hallway where Chris had disappeared, and there was exactly as much carnage as I'd expected. He was nowhere to be seen, but neither were there any Enclave forces just a whole bunch of broken robot parts littering the ground, and the sounds of more explosions off in the distance. Chris must have charged straight through the lines like a wrecking ball, and just kept going.

"Forget about him!" I heard a voice in the distance between explosions. "The Patriot will handle the Vault scum! Find the other invaders!"

"Here we go..." I muttered, gripping the Jury-Rigger tight and getting ready to fire... when suddenly, I felt a hand wrap around my head and yank me backward. Next thing I knew, both Cass and I were pinned against the wall next to one another. Tuera appeared in front of us with a shimmer, holding us both in place.

"Th' fu-" is all Cass managed to say before Tuera covered her mouth.

"Let him do his thing," Tuera growled out, barely loud enough for us to hear. "We have our own objective. Go." Tuera's head jerked to the side, while the stomping sound of heavy metal combat boots got closer and closer. She started patting us both on the shoulders to try and get us to move, and then quickly shoved the two of us to the right, away from the sound. She reached into a pocket on her belt behind her and grabbed a grenade.

"Go!" She repeated, tossing the tiny box into the hallway beyond the melted bulkhead. Cass and I quickly ran to one of the other doors on the far wall of the hangar. I cast one last glance over my shoulder just in time to see the opening utterly consumed in green flame; the shockwave damn near knocked me off my feet.

"What?" She continued looking confused as I approached her. "Wait, WHAT?!" She squirmed a little (okay, I admit, quite a lot) as I picked her up. "Son of a bitch! Put me down!" Despite all the armor and the spare ammo she was carrying, she was a lot lighter than I was expecting... although her trying to kick me in the side of the head didn't really help things any. Even so, by the time I reached the edge and stepped off, she was wrapping her arms around my neck very tightly indeed.

She screamed the whole way down. Because of course she did. I guess she had no faith that the jets in my rocket boots would slow our descent enough to keep us from turning into pavement pancakes. But the jets kicked in, we slowed down, and I landed with all the impact of an asthmatic gecko coughing at me through a straw. Cass practically leapt out of my arms when she realized we were on firm ground, and started shoving and punching me.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" Cass yelled. "A little warning'd be nice, next time yer gonna do that!"

"What are you worried about?" I shrugged, grabbing the Jury-Rigger. "We're both alive, aren't we?"

"Who knows for how long..." Tuera said, peering around a nearby corner. "It looks like we may have more incoming."

"Fuck!" Cass grabbed her AA-12 and pulled back on the charging handle.

"Have they spotted us?" I asked, already looking for more ways out.

"They're probably on their way to those explosions... converging on Christopher's position." Tuera paused, looking over her shoulder at Cass. "But all that yelling probably didn't help any."

"Oh, fuck you!" Cass shot back, flipping her off for good measure.

"Both of you, knock it off! Tu, you've got the map," I said, patting Tuera on the shoulder, and trying to peer around her to get a look at the incoming troops. Sure enough, a whole bunch of soldiers both with power armor and without, flanked on all sides by robots were practically running through the streets, definitely in a hurry to get to something. But it didn't look like they'd noticed us. Yet. "Which way?"

"We may have to cut through the proving grounds," Tuera said, backing away from the corner and sliding past me. "Follow me."

"Proving grounds?" Cass asked, falling in step behind me as the two of us followed Tuera. "That doesn't sound good."

"Babe, nothin' in this place sounds good..." Suddenly, I heard the screaming sound of some kind of roaring engine almost directly above us. It didn't sound like helicopter blades. In fact, it sounded like a jet engine, so it probably wasn't a vertibird. Cass looked up at the sound as well, and I could see her grip on the shotgun tighten.

"Yeah, I see yer point."

"Goddamnit, where the fuck are we now?" Cass asked. The three of us had managed to avoid detection from the dozens of enemy patrols and found our way into a large room. It was like an auditorium, or... like, a ballroom, or something. I'm not really sure. The ceiling was easily three stories high, and it was filled with tables and chairs, but beyond that, I couldn't tell what this place was used for.

"I..." Tuera paused, looking down at the Pip Boy on her arm. "I'm not sure. This wasn't what I was expecting."

"We're lost, aren't we," I deadpanned. Tuera's silence was all the answer I needed. "Great."

"Hey, guys!" Cass shouted from off to my left. "I found another one've those terminals. Think we can use it to shut these fuckin' alarms off?" Tuera nodded, and the two of us made our way to the corner where the terminal had slid out of the wall.

Something was wrong. My gut was sinking the way it always did when things were about to go sideways, and all I could think to do was look around this place for any kind of cover, in case the soldiers out there figured out where we were. The only thing we could even possibly use were the tables, if we overturned them...

"Oh, I see where we are now..." Tuera muttered. I glanced over my shoulder, and saw her at the console, typing away. "Eden must have broken up the map into segments... But I think I can..."

BANG.

The door at the far end of the massive room burst open, and both Cass and I both raised our guns in response; I grabbed one of the nearby tables, and overturned it, just like I thought I'd need to do. Filling the doorway were rows and rows of soldiers and robots; the one leading the charge had eyes as red as the sun.

"Everyone attack!" he bellowed, rushing into the room, followed swiftly by the rest of the soldiers. Plasma blasts started streaking through the air, and explosions from Cass' AA-12 started ripping up the far end of the room. I reached for one of my plasma grenades, primed it, and tossed it at the oncoming mass of soldiers.

"This isn't good!" I yelled over the sound of the expanding ball of fiery green plasma. A half-melted robot arm sailed through the air near my head. I snapped off a few LAER bursts, but it didn't look like the numbers were thinning out. For every robot or power armor soldier that fell, three more ran into the room.

"We can't go back the way we came..." Tuera appeared at my side apparently finished with the computer and firing at the oncoming mass with that plasma assault rifle of hers. "They've probably surrounded the entire building."

"FUCK!" Cass shouted, ducking out of the way of another plasma blast, and blind-firing her shotgun over the edge of the overturned table. "We've gotta "

Suddenly, the wall to my left exploded. The withering plasma fire from the Enclave soldiers seemed to thin out. I think they were as surprised by the explosion as we were. A large metal object tumbled out of the ball of fire and smoke, and the bone-white set of T-51b stood up. Chris was carrying a gatling laser in one hand, and the big fucking gun in his other.

"Oh!" he said happily, sending a huge ball of green plasma back the way he came, and blindly firing the gatling laser at the other soldiers attacking us. "Hi guys! Fancy meeting you here!" A bolt of blue plasma hit him in the side of his helmet and ricocheted off and up into the ceiling harmlessly.

"We're kinda stuck here, man!" I yelled, diving away from the table and grabbing another one; they finally started aiming for the cover, and the table I'd been hiding behind exploded in a shower of molten metal.

"Yeah, I noticed." Chris was speaking in a calm, level tone, apparently oblivious to the carnage all around him. An explosion landed near his feet, and he was showered in debris. He responded with more gatling laser fire. "I'm starting to think this might be a little too much to handle, even for me."

"You got any ideas?!" Cass yelled, firing twice more with the shotgun before clicking dry. "FUCK! What th' fuck're we gonna do?!" She dove for another table, right before her previous cover exploded. I looked around, and suddenly realized Tuera was missing. Where the fuck had she gone?

"I'm just gonna have to call in a friend of mine," Chris said, dropping his big fucking gun. It hit the ground with such force and it shook everything so violently that it was like another explosion went off. He pulled out a metal disk from... somewhere (I honestly couldn't tell where), and tossed it in the direction of the enemy soldiers. It landed, but did not explode.

"A friend?" Cass grumbled, dropping the empty magazine, and reaching for a fresh one. Chris didn't answer. He just tapped the side of his helmet.

"Hey, Sally!" Chris said, and I realized his voice was coming through my helmet radio. "I just dropped a teleport homer. Lock in on the signal, and send down my Best Friend! Danger close!" The radio crackled, and Sally's voice responded... a bit uncertainly, it must be said.

"Are - are you sure?" she asked. "You only just finished building him last week! We haven't even tested him out to see if he's as good as the original!"

"I guess we'll find out! Consider this the perfect field test!" As soon as he was finished speaking, a rocket streaked through the air and struck him in the side of his head. The explosion didn't even seem to faze him, because he just moved out of the fire and smoke, shooting back with the gatling laser again.

"Your best friend?" I yelled at him, firing with the Jury-Rigger again. Three of the nearest robots were disintegrated entirely. "I thought your best friend was Dogmeat! The fuck is a dog gonna do against all this?!"

Before Chris could answer, the air about fifty yards ahead of us directly above where he threw the teleport homer - started to shimmer and crackle with light blue electricity. The air bloated and warped from the telltale signs of something arriving by teleporter... but it was much larger than everything I'd ever seen before! This was a whole lot bigger than the makeshift teleport I'd built to bring the deuce-and-a-half from the Big Empty to the Lucky 38. There was a blinding flash of light, like the explosion from a dying star, and I was hit with a blast of heat and displaced air that knocked me on my ass.

"What the... fuck..." I trailed off as I blinked away the blinding flash... and suddenly wondered if I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing.

A giant robot was kneeling on the ground, surrounded by a giant molten crater, still smoking from the energy given off by the teleport bubble. The Enclave soldiers had stopped shooting, and were looking up at the monstrosity in front of them in shock and horror. Loud mechanical servos whirred, and the iron giant stood up to his full height, and his head nearly touched the ceiling.

"ALL SYSTEMS NOMINAL! WEAPONS HOT!" the giant robot bellowed, his electronic synthesized voice shaking the chamber just as violently as all the earlier explosions. "LIBERTY PRIME IS BACK ONLINE!"