Volume 1 - CH 1.3

“You-Guy-Zuh! Who’s side are you on…?”

Since recorded history, mankind has sought proof of the existence of God. What kind of being is God? Does God even exist? Many people have wrestled with these fundamental questions. Philosophers, theologians, and religious scholars all over the world have tried various approaches to determine if God exists…. and failed.

But I’ve now determined the answer to these questions. God is in fact real. I know this because God gave me Yuka-tan and Kosaku. No. Actually, Yuka-tan IS God! Yuka (Jesus Christ) Kusakabe. For Kosaku she is the only existence. Japanese men who don’t worship Yuka-tan should just commit seppuku and die.

“Hey Kosaku! Listen!”

“You’re being a bit loud right now, stupid Minori. Could you please not interrupt my precious post-meal meditation?”

“Eh, well just look at the TV! You’re not going to like this!”

“What are you so scared of? …Are you ok Minori? There’s nothing in the world that should make you so upset that you yell in panic like that you know?” I take a look at the TV.

“SUPER POPULAR IDOL YUKA KUSAKABE ANNOUNCES RETIREMENT!”

God is dead.

***

“Kosakuuuu. It’s morniiiiing.”

Dong. Dong. Dong.

“Kosakuuu? It’s morning! Do you want to do calisthenics and start crop training duty?”

Dong Dong Dong Dong.

“Heeey. Just ignoring us is going to be annoying, right? Hurry up and open the door!”

Dong Dong Dong Dong Dong.

“Minami. Is he ok?”

“Oh Kei. Do you have the master key?”

“Yeah, it’s right here. How is Kosaku? He still won’t come out?”

“Not yet. Dammit, it’s time to go on duty … Tagosaku! (This is a pun meaning to arrive at a place, and mixed with his name Kosaku I think?) Hurry up and open it you!”

Don Dong Dong Dong Dong Dong.

“I can’t wait anymore. I’m coming in. Kei, give me the master key.”

“Ok.”

Click. Clack. Creeak. The door opens and the 2 enter the room.

“Let’s look in the frooOONT?!”

Minori let out a scream suddenly.

“W..what are you … doing? …Is that a pillow cover? Wow, this is the first time I’ve seen someone with a real idol body pillow… take it off… AND PUT ON SOME PANTS! What kind of person sleeps with their entire body inside a body pillow cover? Are you done?”

What Minori said was true. I was inside the pillow cover. I slid my upper body into the pillow cover head first, and was lying on the floor like a tuna that had been caught by a fisherman. I was wearing Yuka-tan. This is in my dorm room.

Yuka-tan’s retirement robbed me of the will to live, and I’ve been locked in this room since yesterday’s lunch break. All the light from the outside world has been blocked out. The only light is the light that is Yuka-tan which flows from the video footage on my laptop that was placed by my pillow.

Minori pulls the string of the fluorescent lights to light up the room.

“Look at that bed bug over there. Let’s make him molt and head out to the fields.”

She steps on me and the full body pillow case (that I made myself and has a full-body photo of Yuka-tan printed on it), and urges me to get up. But I don’t think I have the energy to get up right now…

Ugh… hmmmph…

“I wish I was…. A marsupial…”

“Huh?”

“I want to be a marsupial… for the rest of my life… inside my pillow case…..”

“Tsk… What the hell are you saying?”

“…Just leave me alone…”

I was hiding in this body pillow with a wallaby named Wakadanna or ‘Young Master’ that was given to me by a sister school in Australia.

“Hah… this idiot is really…”

Minori sighs, “So what have you been up to since yesterday afternoon?”

“I was just thinking about Yuka-tan and before I knew it the day was over.”

“I see…. Well sometimes that happens. Why don’t we eat some rice? C’mon.”

“…It’s impossible to live in a world without Yuka-tan, so I might as well die.”

“Yeah, it’s tough. I get it. Well let’s get up and get going to crop training duty.”

“…I wish I could surprise Yuka-tan by sticking my face out of the toilet while she’s pooping in it.”

“Nevermind, you can fucking die!”

I then got beat up for the first time in awhile. Hmmph … I hate Minori…

“Jeez, just get out of here… The only person who understands me right now would be the young master who spends all day in a sack and has separated from society since birth.”

“We are getting complaints that young master was taken away without permission.”

“That wouldn’t happen! Young master wants to be here right?”

The young master looks between Minori and I with his wrinkled eyes, then uses his tiny arms to crawl into the pillow cover as if to say “I don’t understand what’s going on.”

So Cute! ♥

“There is no time for healing! Hurry up and eat breakfast then let’s leave the dorms!”

“….I don’t want to go….”

“Hey, are you willing to fail crop training class? Are you willing to get 0 credits? Are you ready to repeat a year? Hmmm?”

“What do grades matter? ….If Yuka-tan is gone then there is no meaning for me to make my vegetables….”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Well, I’ve been growing vegetables to send to Yuka-tan….”

“You what? Are you saying that you sent the vegetables you grew in training to Yuka Kusakabe?”

I nodded at Minori’s question. She looked a little impressed.

“Eh. Well I don’t think she’ll ever eat them but yeah. Sending vegetables to an idol is unique. It might leave an impression on her. Did you get a reply?”

“There’s no way I’ll get a reply….”

“Why do you say that?”

“…Because I sent it anonymously.”

“WHAT IS THIS KASA JIZO?” (Kasa Jizo is a Japanse folktale that is a typical example of a selfless doer of kindness)

“OR GONGITSUNE” (Another similar Japanese folktale. Look them up if you want more info)

Kei and Minori both shouted at the same time.

“Why did you send vegetables anonymously? Isn’t that kind of creepy?”

“It is impressive…ly weird.”

“I mean… it’d be embarrassing …if she knew I was sending it to her…”

“Hmm, Kosaku is strangely bashful… What vegetables did you send her?”

“Yeah, that’s an important detail”, Kei chimes in.

I answer in a quiet voice.

“… You know the eggplants we made in training last year?”

“Oh yeah. We made those.”

“Those long thick ones?”

“I filled a box with those”

“THAT’S LIKE AN ACT OF TERRORISM!”

“THAT’S AT LEAST A CRIME!”

Wh..why?

“You anonymously send a box full of eggplants to a young girl? Are you insane? If you are sick in the head you’ll go to a mental hospital, and if you aren’t you’ll go to jail.”

“It’s Tokyo right? People there just eat hamburgers, beef bowls, and other junk foods. Their diets tend to be short on vegetables! They don’t get enough vitamins. So I was hoping this helps Yuka-tan stay healthy, even if just a little. What’s wrong with that? Is that bad? Is that a reason to arrest me?”

“No. You aren’t a worried mother trying to feed her son that moved to Tokyo…”

“But I AM worried! I’m very worried about Yuka-tan’s health!”

“Before you worry about someone else’s health should you worry about yours? Maybe a part of your head? Like the brain?”

“Don’t say that Minori!”

Kei speaks up to mediate.

“Calm down. This isn’t the first time Kosaku has lost it right?”

“Hmmm. Yeah. I guess that’s right, isn’t it?”

I don’t agree with that.

“It’s true that continuing to send vegetables anonymously may be creepy for the recipient. But this is different. I know how hard we worked to grow these vegetables.”

Kei kneels on the floor and says, “I know I said it was an act of terrorism before but…Kosaku, I also think your feelings are being transmitted through the vegetables to Yuka Kusakabe.”

“K..Kei…. Thank you.”

What a pal! I knew you would get me! You are different than some stupid girl!

“What else did you send her?”

“Cucumbers”

“HELLO, POLICE? I’D LIKE TO REPORT A PERVERT!”

Best friend?

“Hey Minori. If we let this go we might be arrested for being accomplices.”

“Wait a minute. Hang up the phone! I sent even more! Sweet corn and bitter melons. I’ll send daikon radishes next time.”