3.3 In Which the Dark Lord Has an Idea. An Awful Idea. The Dark Lord Has a Wonderful, Awful Idea

3.3 In Which the Dark Lord Has an Idea. An Awful Idea. The Dark Lord Has a Wonderful, Awful Idea

I was honestly disappointed. A throwing knife landed in my upper arm and an arrow in the opposite shoulderan arrow from a goblin-sized shortbow, which barely packed more power than one of our stingers. Another projectile I didnt see properly whizzed over my head to impact the stone wall. Andthat was it. My artifact amulet of course protected me from lethal hits, but it wasnt taxed by the effort; compared to the volley of crossbow bolts that had pitched me into the river, this was nothing.

Sure enough, there were only three goblins in the cramped, disheveled office. No, four; one poked his head up from behind an overturned desk while I obviated the entire result of their pathetic attack. Being impaled twice provided enough of an adrenaline surge that I was able to use both arms despite their state. Probably not a good idea, under ordinary circumstances, but in my case it didnt matter. I ripped out the knife and arrow, threw them to the side, and burst alight with the pink power of Heal.

Really? Thats it?

In response the archer nocked another arrow, so I nailed her with a Slimeshot. The office wasnt big; at that range it was way too much kinetic energy for a goblin-sized body to absorb, and she hit the opposite wall in a splatter of slime and blood.

That finished breaking the feeble defense, and the three remaining goblins scurried out through the door opposite the tunnel. I followed, not running but keeping pace quite easily given that my legs were as long as they were tall. The tunnel came out in some kind of storeroom full of shelves and filing cabinets, which looked like it had been ransacked even before my Windburst made it worse. I stepped out of that into the front part of the office, following the shrill calls for retreat, just in time to see a scrum at what was apparently the main entrance to the whole buildingor cave, I guess?as the three fleeing goblins and two more whod been out there collided with each other in their haste to escape.

I couldve decimated them in that moment with a few Slimeshots. I considered it.

But I let them go. Seemed unsporting to shoot people in the back. More importantly, my larger strategy down here hinged on convincing as many goblins as I could that I was a reasonable person and decent leader, not some bloodthirsty monster who would indiscriminately slaughter all before me. Besides, it wasnt like I lost anything by allowing them to report back to Jadrak. He had to know I was coming, and they hadnt seen anything but me and my imperviousness to their feeble attacks.

Let him chew on that.

Seems underwhelming, though, I said aloud, pacing across the front of the office space to warily approach the exit. The door hung open, the sounds of fleeing goblins echoing through the pitch-black tunnel beyond. Biribo, are you sure the Goblin King is preparing to throw down with us? That was a pretty pathetic defense against an incoming Dark Lord.

He has to be, boss. But we dont know what kind of forces hes got or what else theyre tied down doing; if he was just now killing the likes of Maugro it stands to reason hes still got other opposition in the tunnels.

Hm. We clear?

Nobody else in the tunnel outside, boss. Theres one living goblin in the side chamber over there. Lying down on a cot; I think hes injured.

Well, well. Lets see what we can find out, shall we? Aster, take two archers and cover the front door. Biribo, keep an eye out for incoming up the tunnel and warn her if we get visitors. Madyn, go back up to the kitchen and fetch Kasser. Everybody else, fan out and see what you can find among the papers in here. This was an information brokers office; theres gotta be something useful.

Uh, Lord Seiji? Donon had picked up a windblown piece of paper and now held it up. All of this is written in Khazid.

Oh. Right.Follow current novels on novelb((in).(com)

A lot of its probably in ciphers on top of that, Biribo added.

Of course, I sighed. Madyn, while youre up there, tell Minifrit to ask around and see if anybody else can read Khazid.

You got it, Lord Seiji!

Everybody else, see if you can find anything you can read and bring it to Nazralind. Naz, organize whatever they get and brief me when you can.

On it.

I could read the stuff myself, obviously, but I needed to delegate this task to someone as I had to take point in the campaign against Jadrak, and moving fast would be central to success on that front.

The ceilings were surprisingly high in here, which meant that most of us were able to stand mostly upright. Getting through a doorway required ducking. So I ducked into the side room, which was furnished less like an office and more like somebodys cozy living room, to find a folding cot on which lay a heavily bandaged goblin, audibly struggling for breath.

He wasnt bandaged everywhere; apparently they hadnt had enough clean cloth. The uncovered wounds had been slathered with some kind of salve, but under it I recognized some nasty burns. I also recognized his face.

The smarmy, talkative goblin whod killed Maugro and then tried to charm me over his corpse now looked up at me in a clear blend of pain and terror. I didnt often get to see the horrible aftermath of the things I did to people quite this vividly. It made me feelnot great.

Showtime, then.

And look who it is! I said cheerfully, putting on a broad grin. Not looking so hot anymore, are we? Heal.

Pink light flashed, blinding in the dim and cramped space, and he arched his back, gasping loudly as he could suddenly fully expand his lungs again without the charred skin on his chest pulling itself apart.

I grabbed one of the overstuffed armchairs Maugro had kept here, which wouldve been throne-like for him but I doubted I could actually sit down in, at least not without looking absurd. Instead I spun it around so the back faced the cot and straddled it, sinking down to perch on the armrests and leaning my crossed arms against the high back.

Ive recently been educated about some of the particulars of goblin culture, I said while the subject on the cot experimentally pawed at his own skin as if disbelieving he had it all again. It has been brought to my attention that you may feel youve been treated unfairly. I gotta say, man, that is wild to me. From where Im sitting, getting burned to the brink of death and back, twice, is a perfectly reasonable and proportionate comeuppance for the bullshit you pulled.

That sounds like human logic, yeah, he said, narrowing his eyes.

Aw, whats with the tude, my man? I remember you being so charming a few minutes ago. What, a few little third-degree burns and you cant even fake a smile?

He bared his shark-like teeth at me in what was definitely not a smile.

Well, thats fine, I said easily. We are not going to be friends, you and I, so no need to waste time faking it. To business, then! How come you only had a couple buddies in here? Seems unwise, what with a pissed-off Dark Lord right up the hall.

The teeth were exposed further as his upper lip curled into a sneer.

No? What else shall we discuss, then? Oh, I know! What can you tell me about the Goblin King? Available forces, location, strategic weaknesses, things like that?

Go fuck yourself.

I grinned. I know I should probably be annoyed, but hell, thats exactly what Id say in your situation.

Oh, well just see how long that lasts, said a strident voice from behind me. Mastering my expression, I twisted my head around to behold Ydleth and Ismreth having followed me into the little room. Aster had probably sent them because she had this thing about me needing to be guarded. I assumed it was Aster due to Ismreths presence, as she tended to follow orders and think before acting, unlike Ydleth, who I could well believe had just gotten bored picking through goblin documents and wandered in here. Now, she sneered down at the recently-injured goblin, folding her arms. Little bastard has no idea how much pain hes in for.

The goblin barked a derisive laugh at her. Oh, you think youve got something worse than burning alive? Cos I fucking dont. Shoulda held that in reserve, Dark Lord. Youve blown your entire wad and I aint impressed. Fuckin try it, asshole.

Ydleth, I said with every last iota of my immense store of patience, be so good as to shut the fuck up. We do not torture people for information.

We dont? Ismreth sounded mildly surprised.

Okay, I had to acknowledge there was some justification for the subtle rebuke in her tone.

Torture is for punishment or to gain compliance, not information, I heard myself say out loud, and holy fuck my entire career on Ephemera would land me in front of a tribunal in the Hague if anybody on Earth ever learned about it. If you torture somebody for information, theyll just say whatever they think will make the pain stop. Not only is that not a good way to get useful intel, its a great way to get led into a trap. Is Kasser down here yet?

I heard my name. Seconds later, the man himself poked his head through the door. Lord Seiji?

Ah, perfect. Did you finish building the cells I asked for? Hows that coming?

Oh, yeah, thats pretty normal. Most sapient races have magical abilities, its just humans and beastfolk who dont. Goblins get their dark vision and super strength.

Hang on, what super strength? Donon demanded. Goblins arent any stronger than a human.

Uh, yeah. Biribo zipped in front of him, sticking his tongue out. A goblin is about as strong as a human, at half the size. You need me to walk you through the arithmetic on that?

Oh, Donon mumbled, crestfallen, then rallied. But dont forget the super hearing!

I was talking about magical abilities, Donon. Goblins dont have magical hearing; they hear better than humans because they got those big ears. Even elves hear better than humans, though not by much.

I have no idea what hes talking about, Nazralind said haughtily as several people turned speculative glances on her. Please, by all means, go on gossiping about me just outside what you assume is my earshot.

Goblins are magic.

Something in my voice made everyone stop what they were doing and turn to look at me. I wasnt sure exactly what image I was putting off at that moment, being fully preoccupied with my own suddenly swirling thoughts. I wasnt even sure, yet, where this burst of insight was going. Something had clicked together, forming connections I was following inwardly.

Theyremagical creatures, I repeated, staring at nothing. Magical abilities. Dark vision and double strength. Whichcan be sharedwith Spirit Bond.

I thought that spell only worked on monsters? Nazralind said hesitantly.

Asters eyes widened as she realized what I just had. But a compound spell with Spirit Bonds effects and something elses triggering conditions

What the hell is a compound spell? somebody asked.

I ignored them, preoccupied as I was chasing this sudden epiphany down the next branching pathway.

Biribo.

Boss?

What monster races on Dount possess inherent magic? And what abilities do they have?

Well, uh, monster is a subjective term that comes down to politics, boss, but as far as races with magical abilities? Elvesboth kinds. Light elves can make light at will, dark elves have magical stealth. Goblins have dark vision and enhanced strength, like we were just discussing. Harpies have magically enhanced vision which they can adjust the acuity of at will, and also have magically reduced body weight, which is the only reason a humanoid creature is able to fly under its own power. They can also reproduce with genetic material from other species. Naga have a pretty amazing package. They can regulate their body temperature to an incredible extent; you can freeze one solid or set them on fire and the only damage is superficial. Theyre also able to withstand immense amounts of atmospheric pressure and can see and hear clearly through any medium through which light and sound are able to pass. Also, they can breathe water, which is kinda the key to the whole pattern: those are abilities designed to give them human-like function deep underwater, but it has the knock-on effect of making them way overpowered in most other circumstances. There are other races, but thats it for the ones youll find on Dount.

Naga are tough bitches, Aster agreed. In the Kings Guild newbies are told to leave them the hell alone; thats a fight for a powerful Blessed. Luckily there arent many of them, and the ones on Dount have always minded their own business. So long as people stay out of their territory.

I had it now. I needed more details, but I could see the shape of it. The sheer weight of the revelation was making me vibrate in my artifact boots.

Biribo. Only the full strength of my performative ability kept my voice steady.

Boss? He, by contrast, sounded both wary and avidly eager. I was never sure how much Biribo truly knew, but right at that moment I got the distinct impression hed been waiting for me to realize what I just had.

Of the magical races extant on Dount, how many of them arematriarchal?

Is that even a real word? Ydleth stage whispered from somewhere in the near distance.

Biribo actually did an excited little pirouette in midair before he started expositing.

From most to least? Harpies cant really be considered a matriarchy because theyre not any kind of archy. They are strictly solitary and extremely unfriendly with everyone, including each other. On Dount, the only place they live is up on the nearby mountain and the fact that theres more than one in the area means theyre pretty much always fighting. Harpies are an entirely female species; they have that magical reproductive strategy, like I mentioned. When a harpy wants to mate, shell usually just grab a male from whatever race is unfortunate enough to be nearby. And usually eats him afterwards.

Damn. Is it bad that I kinda like them?

Yes, Ydleth, thats pretty fucking bad, Adelly said in exasperation.

Biribo ignored the byplay, just watching my face while he carried on his explanation. Naga are sort of matriarchal by default. Theyre the least humanoid of the ostensibly humanoid races, and have a very different core biology from most. Naga are incredibly sexually dimorphic, to the point you probably wouldnt guess the males and females were the same species if you didnt happen to know better. Male naga arewell, its questionable whether theyre even sapient. They dont really communicate and arent good for much beyond grunt labor. About as smart as a dog. So its only the female naga who have anything that can be called a society.

Huh, Aster grunted. I was told naga were like harpies. No males at all.

The local dark elves are ethnic Savins, Biribo continued, which means, unless a lot has changed in Shylverrael in the last century and a half, they are an explicit legal matriarchy. Thinkbasically the same gender politics as the Fflyr, except in reverse.

Okay, I definitely like them, said Ydleth. Is that okay, Adelly? Am I allowed to like the dark elves?

Considering well probably end up allied with them, thats probably for the best.

And goblins, Biribo said with relish, coming to the end of his recitation, are strictly meritocratic. The local goblin culture doesnt really have defined gender roles in the sense you think of them. Whichever goblin is smart and skilled enough to outperform their competition gets to be in charge, until another one muscles them out. Goblin leadership is therefore a pretty even split, but they have zero compunction about taking orders from a woman as long as she proves herself worth obeying. Same rules as for men.

He paused, did a little loop-the-loop in the air, and flicked his tongue out eagerly.

So, boss, yes. Every magical race found on Dount, with the exception of the Fflyr light elves, is either necessarily or at least potentially matriarchal.

And there it was.

The worst part, I realized, was that it wasnt even my idea. The plan that burst into being behind my eyes would chart my course for the remainder of my conquest of Ephemera, well beyond the borders of Dount and Dlemathlys, but it wasnt something I had created. Merely something Id come across, following the trail that had been left for me.

Shed put me here, on this particular island. With this particular bonus ability And that very particular set of beginning spells. All of it had been set up from the beginning, just waiting for me to connect the dots. Now I knew exactly what kind of show Virya wanted to see.

I burst into hysterical laughter, because it was that or scream, weep, and claw my own eyes out.

Lord Seiji? Aster exclaimed in alarm.

I staggered weakly to one side until I reached a wall and slumped against it. Howling with despairing mirth, I pounded one fist impotently against the stone.

Hes doing it again, somebody muttered.

No escape, I wheezed. There is no getting away from it! Every time I think But no. Here on Planet JRPG, under the Weeb Goddesses, there is just no escape from otaku bullshit!

I raised my head to see that everybody looked disturbed now. That caused me some regret; I didnt want to dishearten my people and I knew this wasnt the image I should be projecting right now, but it was like I could feel my consciousness being unraveled from the inside by the revelation I had just experienced, and I had to vent somehow. It was this or kill myself.

WITNESS ME! I roared, surging upright and throwing my arms wide, causing everyone to shy a step back from me. For I have beheld a glorious vision of our futureour wonderful, terrible, stupid future. And it is a future built upon the shoulders of monster girls!