3.9 In Which the Dark Lord Shakes on It

3.9 In Which the Dark Lord Shakes on It

My experiences in Cat Alley and points since made me feel incredibly sleazy for it, but my more recent epiphany about Enjoins potential made it the first thing I noticed: Miss Sneppit was hot.

Not in the effortless way of, say, Nazralind, who had never shown any indication that she knew how to operate a hairbrush. On the contrary, Sneppit was more meticulously and aggressively made up than even Minifrit, and her sense of style was splashy enough to practically fill the room. In fact, she suddenly made me think about that gyaru Yoshi and I had rescued in Akihabara Station.

Sneppit had a clear color scheme: pink, white, and gold. I couldnt tell whether her skin was a paler shade of green than any other goblin Id met or she was slathered with some kind of foundation, but she definitely had on vivid pink lipstick and ice-white eyeshadow. Her hair was bleached stark white and then dyed pink along the elaborate curls which hung behind her ears, accented by occasional golden highlights. Even her irises were pink, which I could tell because she had her pink-lensed, gold-framed glasses perched down on the tip of her nose, the better to glare at us over them.

She was dressed, actually, in very much the same style I was, in an outfit of the type favored by Fflyr noblemen: long coat with matching boots over a ruffled shirt and loose pants in a contrasting color, complete with high turned-down collar and oversized cuffs. Though while I wore red on black, hers wasyou guessed ithot pink over white. We both had golden embellishments, though. In fact, her outfit was a lot more embellished.

I had a sudden distracting insight: rich goblins did that because rich humans did that, and rich humans did it to mimic the style of artifact armor and weaponswhich the goddesses had specifically and deliberately designed to look like high-end JRPG equipment. No wonder everybody with money on this damn planet looked like an anime character: they were literally trying to. God, I hated Ephemera.

Listen, Snep, Zui said, taking a first step up the stairs toward her irate boss.

Dont you Snep me, you insubordinate, top-heavy little drain fungus, Sneppit barked down at her. Ill deal with you in a minute. Right now Im seeing a lot of other things on my tram platform that clearly dont belong here. Oh, hey. Rizz! She turned her head to shout over her shoulder. Looks like she lived.

Another goblin ambled up to the top of the stairs, this one an older version of Rhoka. Well, the face was different, they probably werent even related, but this spry middle-aged goblin was obviously part of the same social role. Her brown longcoat and wide-brimmed hat were identical in style, though considerably more battered and patched; instead of armbands, she wore a purple scarf affixed at the front with a steel pin. The mechanical polearm slung over her shoulder was identical to Rhokas.

The elder stared grimly down at the Arbiter for a second before speaking. Days young.

Ooh, someone was in trouble.

Sneppit, meanwhile, was rapidly canvassing the assemblage of humans, elves, and her own employees milling around in front of the parked tram, her expression none too happy. She met my eyes for a moment before moving on to inventory the rest of the crowd.

Well, lets start with the least insane part. Dap, youd better have an excellent reason for being here and not at your post.

Thats my fault! To my surprise, Yoshi stepped forward, then bowed, causing a stir among the onlooking goblins. There was no way eight soldiers could have held that station against what the Goblin King was throwing at them. It was going to be lost anyway. I made them get on the tram. They would have died for no reason, otherwise.

Sneppits eyes narrowed and she shoved her pink shades up to glare through the lenses. So. Lord Seiji, I presume.

Ydleth brayed a shrill laugh and Flaethwyn made a strangled noise. I just blinked.

Uhsorry, no. Im Shinonome Yoshi. He hesitated, then visibly steeled himself before managing to make the proclamation. Im the Hero.

Immediately, every armored goblin on the stairs and ledges aimed a slingshot at him and drew it back.

These guards are under a contract with the standard acts of the Goddesses clause

Rhokas attempted intercession was cut short by a sharp rebuke from Rizz, who it turned out could also project properly.

You are not empowered to negotiate or even render contract advice when not under my supervision, Arbiter.

Well, she isnt wrong, though, Sneppit said in a more even tone, staring down her nose at the eight abashed-looking goblins in armor who were clustered behind Dap. Hm. Acts of the Goddesses. Never imagined Id have to deal with a literal one, but the precedent on thats inarguable, isnt it? Fine. If the situation was that bad anyway Id rather not lose people over it. You wipe that smirk off your face, boy, she added at Yoshi, taking an aggressive step forward so that one foot was half off the top stair.

II wasnt smirking

And the rest of you idiots, lower those weapons! Sneppit barked, causing the rest of her security detail to stop threatening Yoshi. You think this situation isnt ugly enough without a Hero rampage on my own tram platform? Thats better. And as for you. She pointed accusingly at Yoshi, who gulped. That was a real nice gesture, saving the lives of eight goblins. Tell me: how many goblins did you kill on your way to get to them?

He abruptly went pale and started to reflexively hunch his shoulders. I didnt wantthe situation was

Oh, sure, they were your enemies, Sneppit continued ruthlessly. Mine too, for that matter. Did you know that, Hero? Were you aware that there were different factions in Kzidnak? Did you at any point pause to consider that some of the goblins you cut down on your way here werent Goblin King partisans, but maybe just civilians trying to protect their homes?

Ilook, that wasntI mean, wed been told Um, the thing is

It was at that moment I realized Id just been standing here watching while everyone except me put on their own showtime. Sneppit had effortlessly dominated the room and reduced the Hero to mortified stammering with nothing but her own force of personality.

And she was a cutie.

Yep, no two ways about it: I was looking at Goblin Queen material here. If, of course, I could get her interested enough in working with me, and she didnt turn out to be another narcissistic monster like Jadrak. Which meant now it was my turn.

Well, this is fun! I said brightly, causing everyones attention to swivel to me. We should get out more often, I never get to meet anybody this interesting. Miss Sneppit, its a delight to finally meet you in person. I am Lord Seiji. I swept a far more impressive bow than Yoshis, not that hed made it much of a challenge. And Id like to ask you for a favor.

Oh? Sneppits eyebrows shot upward as she turned to focus on me fully. And what might the great and terrible Dark Lord need from little old me?

For now? Just a moment of your time. In theatrical terms, this was tricky; Sneppit and Yoshi had embodied two poles on the axis of assertiveness, which meant that in order to stand out here I had to take a completely different approach. Usually I just filled the air with bombast, but competing with the lady of the house was a bad idea. Instead, I opted to create a specific impression: calm, charming, reasonable. Its hard to do that without coming off like a sleazy salesman who wants something. I realize youre already having a hell of a day, and that was before we dumped this trainload of weirdos on your doorstep, so Im sorry to press. But, if youll indulge me with a word in private before coming to any decisions here, I think youll find it worth your time.

Sneppit regarded me thoughtfully from her high perch atop the stairs, and somehow I knew shed instantly decided what to do. This dramatic pause was pure pageantry, a moment in which all her subordinates could see her symbolic position over the Dark Lord. I couldnt begrudge it, and not just because I too appreciate a good piece of showtime. She depended on maintaining her authority over these people, and given that I was hoping to use the resources and connections of her company it didnt serve my interests to undermine her.

Well, she said at last, I cant really turn up my nose at a reasonable request like that. Sure, Lord Seiji, theres an office room nearby where we can talk fornot long, I hope?

Shouldnt be but a couple of minutes, I assured her with a smile. I appreciate you meeting me halfway.

I could maybe get away with it, she grimaced. Youre not completely wrong, though. That wouldnt help my social prospects down here.

And I bet that goes double for me. Big swaggering human comes down here and destroys the goblin leadership with swords and spellsthats playing right into the stereotype that keeps you folks up at night in fear. I would really like to come out of this with good relationships established with Fallencourt, and the need to eliminate Jadrak all but conclusively rules that out.

Sneppits eyes narrowed to slits. Then a slow smile began to tug at her painted lips, and I knew I had her.

But, she said softly, what if it was a Hero who killed the Goblin King?

Thats what Heroes do, after all, I said in my most reasonable tone. They kill people and wreck stuff. Nobody would be surprised. But I have an even better idea than that. What if we were to supervise this Hero while he worked? Minimize the collateral damage, protect people as much as we can. Im betting that in the aftermath of Jadraks fall, those of us who used our wiles rather than our fists to make sure the Hero only did what he came for and then fucked off would be seen in a much better light by the rest of goblinkind.

Mm hmm. It was amazing how much this woman could communicate through subtle shifts of her posture. Suddenly we were no longer two potentially hostile strangers feeling each other out, but friends colluding at some other suckers expense. And she did all that with a smirk, the angle of her shoulders, the position of her head. Oh, yeah, this lady was dangerous. And then, of course, with a Dark Lord rising and no Goblin King Well, historically, goblins have formed the logistical backbone of most Dark Crusades. Isnt that right, familiar?

Ive already told him about that, dont worry, Biribo assured her.

Sneppit winked up at me. Well, there ya go. Seems like youd need experienced help getting all of Kzidnak organized into something thatll best serve your needs.

See? I said cheerfully. I told you wed be on the same page.

Well, speaking of pages, I can whip up a contract quick as you

Whoah. I held up both hands. Youre cute and all, but no contracts on the first date.

Sneppit softened her rebuke by leaning flirtatiously toward me, and fortunately nothing going on here was lewd enough to trigger a flashback; I was accustomed to far more explicitly sexual posturing from the crew back at North Watch. You get a lot of leeway for being an outsider, Lord Seiji, but just for reference thats a big gaffe in goblin culture. Refusing to sign a contract is tantamount to admitting youre planning to screw the other party over.

Thats just the thing, isnt it? Im not that familiar with goblin culture. I could really use an experienced hand to guide me around down here, show me the ropes and help me avoid fucking up too badly. But precisely because I dont grasp all the nuances, Im extremely hesitant to commit my signature to anything. Thats how I avoid getting into situations where I have to either break my word or do something I really cant afford to. Where I come from, its trying to wheedle people into signing unnecessary contracts thats taken as a sign youre up to no good.

Well, we wouldnt want to have another cultural misunderstanding, she said, given how your last one went.

You would have to work really hard to piss me off enough to even approach that scenario, I assured her. The truth is, Sneppit, us coming to a long-term arrangement is definitely going to involve some serious, long-term compromises on both sides. Lets get to know each other a bit and feel out the possibilities before committing to anything.

I see what youre saying, she replied, leaning back and giving me a more considering look. Do understand what youre asking, though. Goblins very strongly prefer to have everything laid out in explicit terms. Ambiguity is dangerous.

Especially with humans?

Hey, you said it, not me. She grinned. For which Im glad, that woulda been awkward.

I do understand, and I appreciate your indulgence. If it puts your mind at ease, when it comes to finding another goblin who can be my lieutenant in the Dark Crusade after we deal with Jadrak Well, at this moment, youve got no competition, Sneppit, and a major head start on any others who might pop up.

Id throw any goblin the fuck outta my office for talking to me like that, she informed me, then smiled again. It was a knowing, mischievous, and more than slightly flirtatious smile. But, it is what it is. These arent exactly normal times. All right, Lord Seiji, youve got Sneppit started to hold out a hand, then paused. Ah, sorry. Force of habit. Not a deal, but?

Gently, I took her hand and gave it a squeeze, noticing for the first time that goblin digits were slightly out of proportion to their height. Sneppits hand was warm and not much smaller than a human womans, not at all the childlike limb Id expect of someone her size.

Friends? I suggested.

Friends. She grinned and squeezed my fingers, then her expression sobered as she withdrew her hand. I had mixed feelings, yknow. Youve been a solid business contact, Lord Seiji, but also the living embodiment of exactly the kinda violent tendencies that make me want to shy away. It honestly is an immense reassurance that your plan down here is to play the angles and maneuver a positive outcome, rather than just hit your problems with maximum force until they die.

Oh, therell be a lot of hitting, I admitted, and unfortunately more dyingbut youre not wrong. I really would like to get through life with altogether less bloodshed than Ive had to so far. Maybe you can help give me some pointers.

Maybe I can, at that!

My new friend, old business partner, and possible future Goblin Queen hopped down from the desk and opened the office door with no more ado, whereupon we were immediately blasted by the shrill clamor of a screaming argument from outside.

that didnt take long, Sneppit commented.

Flaethwyn and Ydleth, I sighed. I probably should have separated them.

You were expecting this outcome?

Not particularly.

You aresurprised by it?

Not particularly.

She smirked up at me. Aint it wonderful, being in charge?

Not fucking particularly.

Sneppit laughed and lightly patted me on the hip before preceding me out of the office. I followed her feeling cautiously optimistic, despite the open question of just how much trouble Id gotten myself into this time.