CH 14

It was only on Fu Ge’s fifth day at the hospital that his fever finally subsided; the inflammation in his inner cavity was under control and he slowly woke up.

But he spent very little time awake, only a few hours a day with his eyes open, a small, thin figure shrunken under the quilt, silent.

He was like a little bird that dropped on a high tower, its wings broken, its beak soft and its cloudy eyes unable to see the direction.

Even though the chains on his feet had long been removed and there was no one to restrict his freedom any more, he still didn’t dare to move a muscle, even to look up at the sky.

It was only the physical wounds that were slowly healing, but his mental state, already riddled with holes, had an even bigger crack.

His hallucinations became worse and worse, to the point where he couldn’t distinguish between the imaginary and the real, the past and the present.

He always woke up in the evening and sat on his bed, curled in a small ball, talking to the void in front of him.

Sometimes it was about basketball, and he remembered that Qi Han had been hit on the head by a basketball in the second week after their first encounter.

Sometimes it was about drawing, and he said that he could never draw the sunset properly because his eyes were looking somewhere else involuntarily.

There were a few other times when he was talking to his sir, and he asked, obsessive and dependent, “Will you come home tonight?”

Qi Han wanted to say “yes”, to hug him and say he’d stay with him tonight and the rest of the time in future, yet he didn’t even dare to walk into the ward.

Because what appeared most in Fu Ge’s visions was that wedding when they were eighteen.

The wedding that he was looking forward to, but his waiting was in vain.

The wedding that was ruined by Qi Han’s own hands.

“Ah Han, I went to see a Chinese pastry chef today and asked him to teach me how to make dim sum.”

The young Beta hugged his legs, rested his chin on his knees, tilted his head slightly and asked the empty place in front of him with a happy smile, “Shall I make the wedding cake myself?”

Qi Han stood outside with his Bluetooth headset on, watching Fu Ge through the one-way glass, his heart aching to the point of breaking, “Yes… if gege wants to make it … just make it, I’ll join you…”

Fu Ge couldn’t see him or hear his voice, so he just talked to himself and his Mr. Bear Cub.

“I went to the hall again today to take a look and found that all the flowers used for the ceremony were roses and lilies. I wanted to add two hawthorn flowers.”

Qi Han couldn’t stop nodding against the glass, “Yes, gege, you can, add them if you like them, I’ll go and pick them for you this afternoon.”

In the ward Fu Ge changed position again, his head raised a little, tapping his gauze-wrapped fingers on his knee, and a bit of shyness flashed on his face.

“I also met my high school art teacher and invited him to our wedding. Do you know? He said we were the bravest couple he’d ever met, just eighteen and daring to get married and bound for life.”

He smiled slowly, showing his little white tiger tooth on one side, “I told him that because I had the best Alpha in the world, there was nothing to be afraid of.”

“I’m not the best…” Qi Han closed his eyes tightly and repeated these words over and over with trembling lips, “I’m not good at all… Gege, stop it, don’t love me so much, I’m not worthy of your love…”

He begged Fu Ge to stop, to stop liking him, to stop trusting him, to stop so helplessly and pitifully remembering what was left of the past between them, but Fu Ge couldn’t.

He had nothing left, he could only be immersed in his memories, relying on those fragmented hallucinations to get through every minute of the dark day and every year that had passed. 

“I’m so looking forward to our wedding, I really want to get engaged right away, and then get married, and go to Tibet again for the honeymoon, to fulfil a vow.”

“I was just thinking that it was a good thing that February only has twenty-eight days, so the wedding could be earlier, but sometimes I think why does February have to have twenty-eight days, I can’t wait, ah.”

“Isn’t that a bit whimsical to say that? Don’t laugh at me.”

………

The illusionary Mr. Bear Cub seemed to move, and Fu Ge followed suit, slowly turning to look in the direction of the glass window.

The two pairs of eyes met for a split second, Qi Han outside the ward in agony, Fu Ge inside the ward in sweet delight. There was a layer of glass that could no longer be penetrated between them.

“Actually, I didn’t mean to be too anxious, but I prepared a small surprise for you and can’t wait to say it.” Fu Ge’s eyes bent into a pair of crescents, and his palm slid down and touched his lower abdomen.

Qi Han’s heart trembled, and he didn’t even dare to open his eyes again. He leaned against the glass in despair, clenched his hands into fists, and let Fu Ge’s gentle voice pierce his eardrums like a blade.

“I have your lifetime mark on me.”

“I know… I know, Xiao Ge, I know…”

Qi Han was about to die of pain; he kept nodding again and again, his tears dripping down the glass.

The tacit understanding of the lovers finally reappeared after five years, the two voices inside and outside the ward actually miraculously overlapping—

Fu Ge: “It seems to be from that rut period.”

Qi Han: “It’s from that rut period, right?…”

Fu Ge: “I was scared at first, but then I realised it was a mark and thought I must surprise you.”

Qi Han: “Gege was scared at first, but then he realised it was a mark and wanted to surprise me…”

There was a bang in the corridor. Qi Han roared in a low voice and slammed his fist on the glass. The Alpha, full of remorse, slid down against the glass window, like a dragon that lost its treasure, guarding the cave that had become an empty shell, whimpering dejectedly.

That night, when Fu Ge was deep in sleep, Qi Han opened the door of the hospital ward, walked in and sat on the edge of the bed to look at him.

The young Beta was almost twice thinner than five years ago. Lying on the bed was only a dry, thin skeleton. His originally tender, pink skin was sickly pale. Even the veins on his neck were clearly visible.

His hand that used to draw, his hand he always cared for the most, giving Qi Han a kiss and telling him to be careful when he was applying a thick hand cream to it every night, now had a layer of rough calluses and the fingers were covered with fine wounds. The gauze-wrapped palm was even more appalling, with a chunk of flesh plucked out by the glass.

Yet this was not the worst of it.

On the left side of Fu Ge’s lower abdomen, near his hip bone, Qi Han found an old scar half a finger long.

It was the surgical scar left by the removal of the mark.

So hideous was the scar that the area around it had turned dark brown, as if a centipede lay on Fu Ge’s thin, narrow belly.

A cruel and resolute sign that this Beta could never belong to anyone again.

Qi Han undid his clothes a little and his wet, hot kiss slowly fell on the old scar, “Xiao Ge… Does it still hurt?”

“I heard the doctor say that to remove the mark it is necessary to remove a circle of flesh in the inner cavity that was stained with my pheromones… just scrape it off. Did the doctor you found do a good job?… Did they give you painkillers after the operation?”

He shuddered and closed his eyes, rubbing his fingers over the scar, his heart spasming in pain, “Did it… did it hurt very much… did you hate me very much…”

The person on the hospital bed suddenly trembled, and Qi Han immediately raised his head and met the eyes of Fu Ge, who had just been awakened by a nightmare.

He watched with his own eyes how the blankness in the young Beta’s eyes turned into disbelief, fear, and then the most intense hatred.

“Get away! Get out— don’t touch me!!!”

He screamed harshly, kicking and punching randomly to push Qi Han away, but instead was pushed from the bed by reaction to his own force.

Qi Han immediately flew over to catch him, and the next second there was a flash of silver in the corner of his eye. By the time he caught the young Beta, Fu Ge had already plunged a fork left after dinner into his shoulder.

He stabbed the gauze-wrapped wound that had not healed yet. The sharp points of the fork sank into the flesh, and a few drops of blood splashed out, staining the left half of Qi Han’s face.

Fu Ge was shocked, by the blood, by his face.

He couldn’t tell what Qi Han was in front of him, whether he was his executioner or his Alpha.

Chen Xing heard the commotion and broke in with the bodyguards, and was stunned by the scene before him.

“Crap! What’s wrong with you, let go of him!”

The bodyguards immediately rushed up to subdue Fu Ge. Qi Han side-stepped to block them, covering his shoulder with one hand and clutching the wrist of Fu Ge’s hand holding the fork with the other, “Get out.”

“Huh? Man, you’re crazy! He’s trying to stab you to death—”

“I said get out!”

“…Okay, I’m not playing with 250 (slang for “idiot”) anymore!” Chen Xing cursed and led the men away, the door to the ward slamming shut again.

Blood dripped down the fork, staining Fu Ge’s hand, and Qi Han was in so much pain that beads of sweat were oozing from his forehead, but he didn’t groan from beginning to end.

He looked at Fu Ge with an unchanged face, and his words were gentle and cautious, “It’s okay, Xiao Ge, it’s okay, let go of your hand first… Let go of your hand first…”

His left hand pressed the fork and his right hand tried to remove Fu Ge’s hand. He didn’t dare to use even a little strength, for fear of touching the injury on Fu Ge’s palm, “Come on, let go gently, slowly… slowly…”

Fu Ge let go and looked blankly at the few trails of crimson running down his arm. Tears trickled from his eyes without him noticing.

“You bleed so much…”

Qi Han didn’t care about pulling out the fork, gently hugged Fu Ge, wiped the corners of his eyes with the only clean place on the back of his hand and coaxed him in a trembling voice: “It’s okay, I don’t hurt, why are you crying?…”

But Fu Ge raised his crimson eyes and asked him, “Why do you bleed so much and still can’t die?”

Qi Han’s fingers paused as he froze.

After a long silence, he retracted his hand and squeezed out a forced smile, curving the corner of his mouth, like a child who was clumsily trying to make amends for what he had done wrong but didn’t know where to start.

He glanced at Fu Ge, then at his own shoulder, then gritted his teeth and pulled the fork out. The bloodstained silver metal fell from his hand.

There was a clanging sound that made Fu Ge shiver in fear.

“I’m sorry…” Qi Han apologised for the sound, “I didn’t mean to.”

Two more streams of blood were pooling out of the wound, and he couldn’t stop them. He was now frighteningly pale and a wave of dizziness was about to overcome him.

“The floor is cold, let’s get up.” He shook his head vigorously, took a tissue and wiped the blood off his hands, then reached for Fu Ge.

“Don’t come over… Don’t come over! I beg you, don’t come over…”

The young Beta retreated in a panic, crawling back on his fours, tears rushing out of his eyes in streams. Several kicks landed on Qi Han’s shoulder during the struggle. The Alpha stifled a groan and covered his shoulder, not daring to move anymore.

“Xiao Ge, I won’t do anything…” Qi Han said, “The floor is cold, the doctor said you can’t get cold again.”

Fu Ge huffed and shook his head, his hands pulling his untied hospital gown tightly, “No, no, go away! I can’t… I don’t want to do it anymore…”

He thought Qi Han was trying to continue the game in the dilapidated building, and desperately hid himself in a corner, only to find that no place was safe and Qi Han was always staring straight at him from behind.

He stopped running, giving up and lowering his eyes. His bloody hands clutched the corners of his shirt, “This is a hospital, how else are you going to humiliate me… before you’re satisfied…”

“No, no, Xiao Ge, I didn’t mean that… I just want to help you up…”

Fu Ge didn’t believe him at all, choking with sobs and gasps, “And then strip me naked and throw me on the floor for any random people to see? Or do you want to find another group of bosses and make me drink with them?”

He raised his wet eyes, and his lips twitched: “Qi Han… I am also a human being, I am not that lowly…”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Xiao Ge, I was wrong, I know everything…”

He fell to his knees, torn by pain; the formerly strong and domineering 3S level Alpha was now like a broken ornament that could be blown over by a gust of wind, humbly repenting for his crimes.

“I know, the manuscript, the lifetime mark, the sketch book, what happened in the alley, and… and Mr. Bear Cub, I know it all, I misunderstood you, I was wrong…”

“You know? You say you know?”

Fu Ge suddenly laughed wildly, his chest heaving in a loud laughter, his chapped lips oozing rust-smelling blood, “But what’s the use of you knowing now… I’ve become like this…” 

Muddled, tattered, unable to feel his own existence, without any consciousness except pain, even he was sick of himself.

He was afraid to sleep because closing his eyes was an endless nightmare, and even more afraid to wake up because all he saw when he opened them was an illusion.

Life had stopped long ago, and he was left forever in that nightmare at the age of eighteen, without being able to get a moment’s peace even if he died.

“I’ll make it up to you… Xiao Ge, I’ll change it all…”

Qi Han raised his hand weakly, his voice so feeble that it was scattered in the wind, his promises flowing like blood: “I will stay by your side, and the sickness in your body and in your heart will heal. Let’s take our time, okay?… I’ll always love you, just like Mr. Bear Cub…”

“Don’t mention Mr. Bear Cub! Don’t mention him! You don’t deserve to talk about him!” Fu Ge grabbed a vase and smashed it on top of Qi Han’s head so hard that the porcelain exploded and blood dripped down from Qi Han’s head immediately.

The Alpha swayed and propped himself up against the bed before he could steady himself.

He took a step closer to Fu Ge on his knees, his voice hoarse: “But we are one person, I am Mr. Bear Cub, you can’t just take him and not me…”

Fu Ge blinked his hazy eyes, his face full of bewilderment and loss. He shook his head painfully and said, “My Mr. Bear Cub is dead… He didn’t love me, he used me from start to finish, he hated me…”

“No! It’s not like that! I love you, Xiao Ge, I have always loved you, those were all things I said on purpose because I thought, I thought you betrayed me, I—”

“Yes, you said a lot.”

Fu Ge shed silent tears and there was no light in his eyes. As soon as he closed his eyes, those words and those torments were all too vivid in his memory.

“You said that the father’s debt had to be paid by the son, you said that I deserved it for being born in the Fu family, you said that I was in cahoots with Fu Zhenying, you said that they tortured you for fourteen days and you wanted me to taste that taste too, whose fault it was that I was born in the wrong…”

“But Qi Han, you’ve been mistaken from the start.”

Fu Ge closed his eyes as if his heart was dead, and a tear slipped out of the corner of his eye.

“When I was seven years old, my father was killed. Fu Zhenying, as a friend, received a large amount of alimony before he agreed to adopt me. I’m not his child at all.”

He stood up holding onto the wall and took one step to Qi Han, then cupped Qi Han’s face with his blood-stained hand, “You think you were torturing the son of the man who killed your father? But I had nothing to do with your grudge…”

The one who died at Qi Han’s hands in those fourteen days was not an accomplice who carried his father’s sinful debt, but the boy who had loved him innocently for two years.

“They ruined you, and you ruined me.”

Fu Ge straightened up and walked out of the ward, allowing Qi Han to slump to the floor like a puddle of mud, never looking back at him again.