CH 44

Witnessing the process of your death with your own eyes is more terrifying than death itself.

In just three seconds, Qi Han desperately and clearly felt his lungs being squeezed and his heart beating wildly as if it was about to explode.

The root of his tongue was swollen enormously, blocking his throat tightly like solid glue, preventing oxygen from entering and words from exiting.

Left behind by his lover, the Alpha slumped to the ground, curled like a shrimp, looking in the direction Fu Ge had left, unable to even cry for help.

“Help… um… gege, save me… no… not die…”

I can’t die yet, I’m going to get married… I’m going to get married… I’m going to have a family… I can’t die here…

A choking, tearing sound escaped his mouth. His bulging eyes fixed on the date displayed on the phone screen. His twisted body shook spasmodically as he desperately reached into his coat pocket to pull out a pen.

Just a moment before he suffocated, he bit the pen open, pulled out the ink stem, then raised his hand abruptly and stabbed the pen tube into his throat without hesitation.

“Ugh…”

The sharp pain that tore through him made the Alpha grunt, but the pierced trachea was also flooded with fresh oxygen as a result.

Qi Han knelt, his forehead pressed to the ground, gulping in oxygen as if he was reborn, tears and snot smeared all over his face.

In fact, he had never practised this kind of first aid, but had only occasionally heard his father mention that he could use the method of opening a hole in the trachea to save a suffocating patient.

In other words, the operation on the dead horse became an operation on a living horse just now (resort to desperate measures in desperate times). A little bit skewed, and he would go directly to hell.

Fortunately, God had spared his life.

Slowly moving his body, Qi Han didn’t dare to shift his hand holding the pen, for fear that if he loosened his grip a little bit, blood would spurt out.

Snow surrounded his body, cold and biting, and the wind on the top of the mountain cut through his bones. The Alpha’s breathing was still chaotic and weak, tears couldn’t stop trickling from his eyes, and his empty unblinking gaze stared in the direction where Fu Ge had left.

His figure, so determined in unwillingness to look back at him anymore, made Qi Han a thousand times more painful than death itself.

But what was even more painful was that he suddenly realised that after the little Beta was tortured by him to the point of losing his voice… did he ever lie on the floor like this, in despair watching him leave, and couldn’t even shout “Save me”…

Did you look back at him at that time?

Did you help him put on a piece of clothing to barely cover his body?

Did you ever wonder if he would die of thirst, of starvation, of freezing to death without you even knowing about it… or even would end his own life in despair?

The answer was no, none of them.

Just five minutes after being abandoned by his lover Qi Han had already broken down to the point of almost dying. So how in the end did his Xiao Ge… survive those fourteen days… and the remaining five years of life worse than death…

It was his best age, his most sincere love, his most enthralling longing, and even the moment before the nightmare came, he was still innocently fantasising about the happy future for him and his lover. 

“It’s all ruined by me… it’s all my fault…”

Qi Han knelt on the ground in a daze, his swollen eyes looking at the mountains in the distance, and tears of guilt trickled down his face.

It was not the suffering itself that made him feel that his life was worse than death; but the fact that after tasting how painful it was, he realised that his lover had already experienced this suffering thousands of times while he didn’t know it.

Qi Han almost crawled down the mountain.

After taking two steps, he would fall, and would continue to walk when he could get up. If he couldn’t get up, he lay on his back for a while. After taking a breath, he would prop himself up and continue to wander down, like a lonely ghost who couldn’t find his way home.

He called 120, turned on the flashlight of his mobile phone and shone down the mountain. At the same time, he found a rock song and turned the volume to the maximum in an attempt to attract the attention of strangers.

When he reached the last gentle slope, he finally lost his strength and plunged headfirst straight down.

“Hey! Buddy!” A pair of arms caught him before he touched the ground. Qi Han half-opened his eyes and looked up. It was actually the Tibetan guy who had given him wine.

“What’s wrong with you?” The guy picked him up in a panic and shouted for help to people in the distance.

It was too dark for him to see the pen stuck in Qi Han’s throat, so he thought Qi Han got frozen on the mountain and offered him another drink.

It took Qi Han a lot of effort to push him away, and his swollen tongue couldn’t speak clearly: “In the wine… seem to be… walnuts…”

“Yes, walnut syrup, I don’t like it very much but my boyfriend does. Do you think it tastes good too?”

Qi Han: “……”

Qi Han: “I’m allergic, take me to the hospital…”

As soon as he finished speaking, he collapsed on the ground, unconscious.

The guy took him to the nearest hospital for examination, infusion and prescribing medicine. A series of procedures was fast and stable. Qi Han woke up in less than three hours, but the swelling of his eyes and tongue had not yet gone down.

After the guy learned that it was his own wine that made him allergic, he felt so guilty that he kept apologising in a wild mix of Tibetan and Chinese.

Qi Han waved his hand to stop him, saying that he was fine. Walnuts are indeed not a common allergen, and people rarely make a point of warning about them.

“Ugh… has anyone come here when I was unconscious?” The question he asked struck him as ridiculous himself.

But to his surprise the young man immediately became excited, “Was it that pink-haired kid? The one who won the horse race today! The one who talks softly and has a little dimple on his left cheek!”

“Yes! That’s him!” Qi Han sat up urgently, making the place where the needle was stuck bleed again, and asked sharply, “Did he come here? What time did he come? Did he say anything? Is he still outside now?”

The guy: “Huh? No, I just asked if it was him.”

The corners of Qi Han’s curved mouth froze instantly, and the light in his eyes disappeared abruptly. He nodded, and then nodded again, “Okay, I see.”

“Are you looking for your boyfriend?” The guy leaned over with a smile: “You tell me his hotel, I can pick him up for you.”

“No need…” Qi Han said: “He should already be asleep.”

Even if he wasn’t asleep, he probably wouldn’t want to come.

“I’ll wake him up if he’s asleep, you’re seriously injured!”

The guy pointed to the circle of gauze wrapped around Qi Han’s neck. He was still frightened when he recalled the scene with the pen inserted there. He had never seen such a savage method of self-rescue.

“The doctor said that there are still tests to be done later, and someone needs to accompany you. You’re not familiar with this place, who else can you find if not your boyfriend?”

Qi Han’s eyes were a little lonely as he smiled, “It doesn’t matter, this injury is nothing to me, let him rest at the hotel.”

It is human nature that people become vulnerable when they are injured, especially in a completely unfamiliar place; and besides, Qi Han still had a needle stuck in the back of his hand.

He had to cover his whole arm with the blanket to keep himself from screaming in fear, and his back was already covered in a cold sweat where the young guy couldn’t see.

He wanted to call Fu Ge and hear his voice, even if it was just one word, but he didn’t dare.

He was afraid that what was waiting for him was another disgusted “Don’t bother me” from his lover.

After the guy knew that he had no one to accompany him, he insisted on staying, and was rejected by Qi Han again. It was already one or two o’clock in the morning, and his boyfriend was still waiting at the door. The little Omega was so sleepy that his head was nodding like a bobber, and Qi Han couldn’t bear to look at it.

You can’t cause others trouble just because you have no one to accompany you.

After they left, he had another two hours of infusion. His energy and strength had long been exhausted. He was too sleepy to open his eyes, but he never dared to sleep.

For one thing, there was no one to watch his medicine, and if he didn’t remove the needle when the infusion bottle was empty, blood would go back.

Besides, he still couldn’t overcome his fear of needles. As long as he closed his eyes, his mind was full of pictures of being tortured. He didn’t want to fall asleep and start crying and screaming in his dreams.

He had been embarrassed enough already today.

In this way, he kept his eyes open all night, and barely slept for half an hour when it was dawn.

After only three days of the month-long honeymoon, Qi Han seemed to have lost a lot of weight, and the spirits he had barely maintained when he set off dissipated to nothing.

This show that both of them were aware of was so absurd and funny that it was not only Fu Ge who was about to be unable to perform in it, but also him.

He didn’t stay at the hospital for long, and when the swelling on his face had almost gone down, he discharged himself. He used the high collar of his sweater to cover the gauze on his neck, and except for some light rash around his eyes, nothing abnormal could be seen.

In fact, there was no need for such haste, but Qi Han missed Fu Ge too much.

This wasn’t a honeymoon, it was a countdown to death handed out to him by Fu Ge, and every day that passed was a step closer to eternal hell.

There was nothing more he could ask for now, he just wanted to see more of his light in the last journey of his life.

But when he hurried to the hotel, his light had already been picked up by someone else.

He watched with his own eyes as Fu Ge walked out of the hotel, accompanied by the girl who confessed to him yesterday. The girl held his arm intimately, and the two got into a taxi, talking and laughing.

The little Beta’s face was more relaxed and comfortable than ever before.

A few minutes later, Qi Han received the first message Fu Ge had sent him in two days: I want to walk alone today, don’t look for me.

Qi Han hid behind the corner, looked at the distant car and replied with “Okay”.

He suddenly thought of the conversation with the Tibetan guy before the start of the horse race yesterday, the other party wishing him and Fu Ge happiness.

But Qi Han didn’t even dare to respond to the simplest blessing, he only dared to answer “maybe” even though he used one hundred percent of his strength.

But today, he couldn’t even say “maybe”, because he realised that Fu Ge was happier with anyone than with him.

Qi Han waited at the hotel for nine hours, mostly sitting listlessly.

He sat in his room for eight hours and fifty-nine minutes, and in Fu Ge’s room for fifteen seconds. He didn’t dare to stay longer, afraid that his pheromones would get on the mattress and the little Beta would get sick when smelling it.

Even though he was crazy enough to want to cuddle the quilt that Fu Ge had slept under.

No one came back until ten o’clock in the evening. Qi Han called the front desk, ordered a light supper for Fu Ge, and ordered it to be delivered later.

Qi Han wrapped himself in his coat and walked out of the hotel, ready to meet Kang Zhuo.

Kang Zhuo was the Tibetan guy who made walnut milk wine. As compensation for his allergy, he promised Qi Han to teach him to pray for blessings.

Just like Fu Ge had prayed for him on the mountain alone five years ago.

Before going up the mountain, Qi Han deliberately found a souvenir shop and bought a well-made khata, the white one, no different from the one Fu Ge had won in the horse race.

Qi Han put it on himself looking in the mirror, pretending that it was from Fu Ge.

The traditional praying for blessings ceremony usually took place in the evening.

It began at nightfall, and it ended when the morning light of dawn painted the sacred mountain of Genie with magnificent gold. Kang Zhuo told him that the words of prayer were more pious in Tibetan, and the snowy mountain would help him protect the one he loved.

“Then can you translate it into Tibetan for me, and I will read it?”

“Of course!” Kang Zhuo smiled simply and honestly.

He took out a pen and paper, translated Qi Han’s words and then taught him to read them. The first was the name of the person he prayed for.

“His name is Fu Ge, Ge for ‘the song’.”

“Song, what a beautiful name.”

Qi Han smiled softly, “Well, he is a very beautiful and gentle boy.”

Kang Zhuo nodded and said as he wrote: “Next is your name, Qi Han, which Han?”

He heard Qi Han introduce himself at the hospital, but he didn’t know which two characters there were.

“Don’t! No need to write my name…”

Qi Han stopped him but found that the guy didn’t stop. He was stunned for two seconds, and then said, “Just get a new piece of paper, don’t put my name with his.”

He avoided his name like a dirty thing, as if he was something unlucky and unclean, and he didn’t want Fu Ge to get close to it, even if it was just the words “Qi Han”.

Kang Zhuo didn’t understand, “But praying is a matter of two people, the snowy mountain will protect you both together.”

Qi Han only smiled: “Don’t bother, no one can protect me.”

“You’re really strange.” Kang Zhuo scratched his head suspiciously. Although he didn’t understand, he still listened to him and changed a piece of paper.

“Come on, say your wish, and I will translate for you.”

Qi Han held the prayer wheel, facing the mountain, and finally spoke after a long silence. His voice was lonely and gentle, like the night wind sweeping over the hills.

“One, I wish my love good health, happiness and be worry-free for a hundred years.”

“Two, I wish for him to get what he wants, avenge his hatred, and get out of his nightmare.”

“Three… for him… to have a partner worthy of entrusting his life to, and to have a lovely and brave child, a family of three, happy and beautiful.”

“Four… I wish… for my Little Song… to never meet me in the next life.”