CH 21

Looking at Yu Zhou, who was smiling, Xiang Wan stopped and gave a gentle smile that resembled a clear breeze and a bright moon, just like a precious white magnolia.

Such beauty should not be growing in the concrete jungle of the city.

So, Yu Zhou asked her, “Are you tired of being here in our city?” It’s not as good as you imagined, right? With all the light pollution and noise pollution.

“Strange and fascinating, vast and boundless, I’ve learned a lot, so it’s not a wasted trip.” she replied.

“Using four characters at a time, like a couplet?” Yu Zhou felt frustrated, because Xiang Wan’s proficiency in the idiom [1] made her job as a writer seem like a joke.

“Don’t you miss your parents?” If it was a common script, she should be crying at this point.

Unexpectedly, Xiang Wan replied, “I do miss them, but not that much.”

“Ah?” Her indifference had reached such an extent.

So Yu Zhou thought that although she had taken care of Xiang Wan for a while, Xiang Wan probably wouldn’t even remember her name, Yu Zhou, when she returns.

Thinking about this, she felt a bit disappointed. After all, she had invested quite a lot of money.

“In our world, all emotions have an expiration date,” said Xiang Wan, looking at the dim streetlights, the light strings on the tree crowns, and the darkness and brilliance extending to the end of the road.

“Emotions are like silver, and the daily care, like the daily share of food and fabric, has a predetermined amount.”

“Being impartial and knowing boundaries is the upbringing my father and mother have given me.”

No wonder, even with crayfish, she would have one with spicy flavor and one with garlic. If it weren’t for the limited variety of modern dishes, would there be a rule of not picking up a dish more than five times, like the emperor in dramas?

“There are deadlines for every day’s greetings, well-wishing, and fulfilling filial duties, as well as a marriage date. When I grow up, I will get married and join my husband’s family, serve my parents-in-law, and it will be difficult to meet my parents again.”

“When I get married and say goodbye to my parents, my mother will cry during the wedding, but she won’t be heartbroken, torn apart, or unable to carry on.”

In the end, she said, “Do you understand what I mean?”

More or less, familial affection is affection under stipulated conditions. Although customs are open, there is a lack of freedom.

It’s not the kind of unfreedom where you can’t leave the house or take a step outside, but the kind where you can’t love wholeheartedly, have no deep-seated hatred and are only allowed to express emotions up to the passing line – that’s the lack of freedom.

“So, it seems you don’t miss home that much. Right?”

Xiang Wan didn’t answer.

“But that’s not right. When you suddenly came to my house, I said your parents were probably dead, and you were about to cry, clutching your chest,” Yu Zhou doubted.

With a poker face, Xiang Wan said, “Filial piety comes first, and parents are the most important, that’s also part of my upbringing.”

“You mean to say…”

Xiang Wan thought of a trendy word, “It was an act.”

Damn… Unbelievable.

“Now that I’ve finished talking about myself, why don’t you tell me about yourself?” Xiang Wan said.

“Me?”

“From the doorstep to this intersection, you’ve passed by two small… supermarkets without even a glance. From this, it can be seen that your late-night stroll is not for the pads but for… Miss Su.”

Xiang Wan looked at her with a meaningful gaze.

“Are you some kind of mind reader?” It’s hard to believe this girl is only eighteen.

After teasing her, Yu Zhou took a deep breath and gazed at the never-ending stream of traffic. Then she shifted her gaze back to her residential complex, noticing that the lights in her home were off. Sometimes, after working late and taking a taxi home, she entered through the garden and sometimes checked if the lights on her floor were on.

Usually Su Chang had sent her a message in advance, saying she had finished recording and asking if she needed to be picked up.

Yu Zhou said it wasn’t necessary. Su Chang then said she would go home first.

But Yu Zhou still wanted to look, because when Su Chang was at her home with the lights on, it was enough to concretize the idea of “waiting for her to come home.”

“Yes,” Yu Zhou admitted candidly, looking up, “it’s because of Miss Su.”

“Since there are still lingering feelings, why insist on breaking up?”

Yu Zhou laughed and turned her head, kicking away a random stone that had appeared, “Let me tell you, actually in their circle, no, actually in many circles, the living conditions of women are much worse compared to men.”

“Female voice actors have fewer opportunities, fewer roles to showcase. In an environment where many listeners prefer to chase male voice actors, the market for female voice actors is relatively smaller, meaning they are not as popular. Uh, by popular, I mean famous, well-known, and appreciated by everyone.”

“But Su Chang is one of those who can rival top male voice actors.”

“Her popularity, that is, her traffic, is extremely high. Do you know why?”

Xiang Wan shook her head.

“It’s because she was born to be admired.”

Xiang Wan recalled Su Chang’s charm during work, which seemed to be somewhat different.

Yu Zhou shook her head, “It’s not just because she’s beautiful or has a good figure. Some people are born with a sense of distance and mystery, they are naturally suited for being admired from afar.”

It’s the same principle as top superstars in the entertainment industry. She doesn’t even need to make appearances frequently, but her charm can be completed by the fans’ imaginations, even living more brilliantly in their minds.

Even though she had few words and a typically reserved demeanor, there was endless room for imagination behind her gentle appearance. This quality greatly stimulated the human desire to pry into others’ lives.

To pry into her, guess about her, chase her, and worship her.

You can defeat any flesh-and-blood person, but it’s hard to beat the golden image created by boys and girls filled with love and longing for their dreams.

That’s why she’s so difficult to reach.

“But people like her are like stars in the sky. They are good when hanging in the distance, but how can you hold onto them if you want to keep them in your pocket?”

“Uh, I don’t mean that she should be hanging.” Yu Zhou found it a bit funny, laughing at her own words.

She remembered once when she went out to eat with Su Chang. Su Chang got out of the car first and walked ahead while replying to a message on her phone.

Yu Zhou deliberately paused for a moment, wanting to see when Su Chang would notice that she wasn’t following. This action was a bit pretentious, but she just wanted to see it at that time.

Su Chang walked for a considerable distance, speaking into her phone for about five or six sentences. She stopped abruptly, glanced at Yu Zhou, and frowned at her phone again. Then, she withdrew her hand from her pocket and gestured toward Yu Zhou.

Then she propped up that hand, with the other still replying to the message.

As Su Chang caught a glimpse of Yu Zhou stepping forward from the corner of her eye, she didn’t wait for her and continued walking ahead.

Yu Zhou thought at that moment that Su Chang looked really beautiful, even just standing there replying to a message was like a scenery; also for the first time, she thought that Su Chang would be fine standing there alone without her.

“I feel exhausted when I’m with her,” she confessed. “It’s not that she treats me badly, in fact, she doesn’t. And it’s not just a one-sided problem. The main issue is, I’ve got a problem in my own mind.” 

“Would I worry so much if a beautiful woman texted me right now? No, I wouldn’t care. But there’s a problem in my heart when it comes to Su Chang.” 

“I always felt insecure and indecisive around Su Chang, my thoughts racing so much that I couldn’t sleep. Deep down, the real reason was that…” I felt I can’t match Su Chang. However, Yu Zhou didn’t say this out loud. 

She was torn between self-pity and pride. Despite feeling inadequate, she had a stronger sense of pride than anyone else. 

Her pride was Schrödinger’s pride, only materializing around the person she loved.

Sometimes, She knew that she was torturing Su Chang with her conflicted emotions. The communication difficulties between them worsened even more when a time difference was added to the equation.

Sometimes, when Su Chang was asleep but she couldn’t sleep, she’d scroll through Su Chang’s Weibo account on her anonymous account. The sincere and touching comments under the posts made her feel a surreal sense of disbelief. Was that really the person sleeping beside her? 

Ironically, Su Chang’s body language was so in sync with her own. If she slightly propped herself up, the sleeping Su Chang would instinctively stretch her hand out to gently wrap her arm around her, providing warmth and comfort. 

“I do like her, quite a bit actually,” Yu Zhou said, her voice catching since her recollected memories were too much. 

“But I’m also quite smart and aware, knowing when it’s time to cut my losses.” 

“I’ve seen too many people around me break up, who at first loved each other so passionately that they’d climb mountains and cross rivers for each other. But in the end, they’re like a mess of spilt feathers, yelling at each other about debts owed and sacrifices made. They make each other want to poke out their eyes for ever having been like that in the past.”

“I don’t want it to end with you resenting me, and me resenting you, fighting like enemies,” she said.

Although She knew that, most likely, Su Chang would not argue with her. Her upbringing would have taught her how to amicably part ways.

However, she didn’t want their bickering to wear them down to the point where they couldn’t stand each other. She did not want to be remembered by Su Chang as “that shrewish woman”.

And particularly didn’t want Su Chang to find the whole affair not worth it.

Also afraid she might find it not worth it herself.

“It’s pretty good now,” she continued. “If we just slowly drift apart, she won’t think too poorly of me when she looks back. And when I’m in my forties or fifties, becoming one of those middle-aged people who brag about their past, I can still say with a thick face,’You know Su Chang? I was with her once.'”

She sighed with relief as she said this. Xiang Wan, who had been listening quietly, was as well-behaved as a cat.

She looked much less cunning back then.

Xiang Wan didn’t respond to her words, but eventually asked, “What does brag mean?”

“It’s like boasting, showing off. Telling people that Su Chang was my ex-girlfriend.”

Xiang Wan smiled and said, “There’s no need to wait until you’re in your forties or fifties. You’re already doing this at twenty-five years old.”