Book One Chapter Forty Eight: Obligatory Companion Romance Routine

Book One Chapter Forty Eight: Obligatory Companion Romance Routine

Oh, I dont have time for romance, Qube laughed nervously, attempting to pry Sexy Screamy Spider Ladys claws off of her shoulders.

Darling, please, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady gave her a very knowing look, then shot a glance over her shoulder at Definitely Bad Guy and Sewer Bard. Definitely Bad Guy was reading a book, while Sewer Bard was picking up the ancient tomes that the Chosen One was flinging around.

While I cant say that I approve of your taste, anyone who lets you run straight into that situation without fair warning should be absolutely whipped.

Taste? What taste? I dont have any taste! Qube spluttered.

And of course youre such a delectable little morsel, its only natural he would want to gobble you all up. But I wont let him, not without a fight! Sexy Screamy Spider Lady declared dramatically.

Wait, whos eating me? Qube was now getting seriously worried. I thought we were talking about romance.

Food and romance are one and the same, the Hunter said sincerely. Green venom started collecting around the tips of her fangs as she looked at Qube. Rich, delicious, luxurious, oh yes, food and love are two sides of the same coin.

Qube was very uncomfortable.

Um, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, I dont think anyone wants to romance me. Or eat me? Qube suddenly remembered that Definitely Bad Guy was definitely in love with her. She flushed bright red. And even if they did, well, Im very busy saving the world and being the Chosen Ones guiding light, so I really dont think anyone who actually cared about me would want to distract me from such an important mission.

She may have slightly raised her voice towards the end of that.

Oh my sweet summer child, how little you know of the ways of men, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady shook her head mournfully. Men are obsessed with romance. Even when theyre in danger of dying, theyll still try and kiss you!

I dont think thats quite right, Qube started to say, before she was cut off by Sexy Screamy Spider Lady clasping her to her thorax.

Suddenly, Qube knew where Sexy Screamy Spider Ladys clothing occasionally disappeared to. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady appeared to be partially made of pocket magic, as Qubes head passed through the arachnids skin and entered a strange otherworldly dimension. At least she hoped it was an otherworldly dimension, otherwise Sexy Screamy Spider Lady was mostly hollow and Qube didnt think she could deal with that right now. Strange skeins of skin seemed to connect the interior of this pocket dimension, and one of the walls appeared to be made of Sexy Screamy Spider Ladys Fireproof top.

Looking down (why did she look down? Why did she look down?) Qube saw what seemed like a coiled rope of silk stored around where Sexy Screamy Spider Ladys abdomen would be. There was also what looked like various miscellaneous items, and

A bag of coins.

There were pocket dimensions inside them all. Each and every one of them. They must pop open when they die, and spill out their contents. That was where the coins and other items came from. That was why their backpacks could carry absurdly large items. If someone slayed a backpack, would it spill its contents? Could they somehow figure out how to access their inner pocket dimensions at will? Or, like she just had, access other peoples without harming them?

And why could Sexy Screamy Spider Ladys secret areas be entered? Could Qube put her head inside other people?

Qube emerged from Sexy Screamy Spider Ladys embrace filled with existential horror.

Now, its time for me to tell you all about how romance works, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady told the still-stunned Qube.

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First things first, everyones attracted to the Chosen One, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady casually crossed her various legs. She had pushed Qube into a low armchair, and draped herself on the coffee table in front of it.

Somehow, she had acquired a cup of tea. She sipped at it with remarkable delicateness for someone without lips.

Im not, Qube argued. Hes my closest friend!

No, my dear, even you. Its not necessarily a romantic attraction, but rather well, its like if you dont particularly like cake, but then you saw a slice of cake that was insanely delicious-looking. Youd be tempted, even though youre not really a cake kind of girl.

The Chosen One is like a delicious cake?

Exactly.

This actually made a strange amount of sense to Qube. Everyone was drawn to the Chosen One. That was the power of the Golden Prophecy.

But that doesnt mean youre going to just shove it all into your mouth, now does it? Sexy Screamy Spider Lady nudged a high heel into Qubes knee. You gotta make that cake earn it.

Earn the right to be eaten by me? Qube was starting to get a little lost in this simile.

But what if I didnt want to fall in love with him?

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady went back to staring blankly at Qube.

After a minute, Qube started to get worried.

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady? I dont have to fall in love, do I?

Of course! Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said indignantly.

But if the Chosen One interrogates me, gives me gifts and takes me on experiences/dates, I will fall in love with him?

Of course! Thats romance! Sexy Screamy Spider Lady chirruped.

But what if I dont want to fall in love with him?

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady went blank again. Her legs had started vibrating.

You have another lover? Sexy Screamy Spider Lady asked, almost desperately.

No. I just dont want to be in love with the Chosen One.

The teacup clattered as all of Sexy Screamy Spider Ladys limbs started shaking.

Because youve already given Definitely Bad Guy your special quest? Sexy Screamy Spider Lady pleaded.

No, I dont have a special quest. And even if I did, I wouldnt want to give my quest to someone else, I would want to do it myself. Qube said gently.

No, youre someone is in love with you. Hes a member of the party. Hes going to give you gifts. You can choose someone else if you want. Unless the Chosen One chooses you. Then you love him.

I dont want to choose anyone. Including the Chosen One.

But you will.

Qube felt like screaming. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady just couldnt seem to understand what she was saying. It was like there was a brick wall in Sexy Screamy Spider Ladys mind, and Qube just couldnt crack through it. It was hard to tell, but it almost looked like the Hunter was in pain.

Her mind spooled up as she tried to think of a solution to her friends distress.

Maybe Id feel differently if he actually started romancing me? Qube offered. The trembling stopped, and Sexy Screamy Spider Lady suddenly brightened.

Of course thats the case! she exclaimed. Oh, my sweetling, why didnt I think of that? No one has ever romanced you, so of course you think you dont want it! Thats how youve been keeping yourself pure!

Qube squinted at Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, unsure of how to take that.

Yes, yes, it makes perfect sense. Oh, silly, naughty little thing, you really had me worried for a second there! No, once one of those boys actually starts courting you, then we can discuss this again. But now you know what youre getting yourself into, and how to recognise when they get started, you can come and ask me for more precise advice. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady breathed deeply. Yes. Yes, this makes sense. She gave a relieved sigh.

Qube was disturbed at how familiar that look of an uneasy truce between the world and internal logic was.

Sure, she said, slowly standing up. Ill just go talk to the Chosen One. You you stay here and recover.

As Qube carefully backed away, Sexy Screamy Spider Ladys fanged smile slowly faded. Then Qube turned away and hurried towards the rest of the party and only the Hunter was left, sitting on the coffee table, staring at the now empty armchair.

The teacup trembled in her claws.

Sssh! hissed one of the librarians.

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady flung the teacup at them.