CH 10

"Brian...Brian...look at me..." my head was mush and the overwhelming blood that Brian remembered seemed to reappear before my eyes, how coincidentally it was also in such a confined space.

"It's okay...relax...Brian! ..."

Whose name was this voice calling? Brian? ...Who was Brian...yes, these terrible memories and desires should belong to a boy named Brian...

Yes, the memories were Brian's, the fantasies were Brian's... the bloodlust was Brian, and I was me!

My pupils focused slowly as Chris and Ashton screamed in anxiety. The scene in front of me only regained clarity.

Chris was full of regret, while Ashton had a worried look on his face. Nina and Alice also gathered around, followed by several other female models. Dan was curled up in a car seat not far away, Phil twisting his wrist and Marvin looking at him with equal concern, Marvin turning his head every now and then to look at me with apologies in his eyes. And Jamie, the little lamb, stood with a frightened look on his face in the centre of the two sides, not knowing where to go.

Chris cupped my cheeks in his hands and stared straight into my eyes as I eased up and reached out to push his face away from me that was leaning too close.

"I'm not dizzy, I just had a momentary hypoglycemia from standing up too quickly." I said evasively, "I was just going to warn him, maybe I accidentally overdid it."

Ashton was obviously quickly persuaded by the reason for this and said with righteous indignation, "It's not your fault Brian! Dan he really should have kept his mouth shut..."

The intention was to stop a farce, but I never thought I would end up contributing to it and bringing the fire down on myself. I shooed a somewhat curious and scared Nina away and let Alice lead the group of female models back to the front compartment, informing the bus driver to move on.

Then raised that same harmless smile as always to try and reassure Jamie. I don't know if it was the sixth sense of a herbivore or what, but Jamie no longer dared to relax under my smile and he sat down dryly next to Mike, not far from me.

Chris, seeing the way I didn't want to talk much, sat back down next to me, although he wanted to say something. Only this time it turned out to be him firmly tugging on my arm.

The bedrooms had been redistributed, with Marvin and his two remaining brothers, Dan and Phil, sharing a room, and Mike, Jamie and Ashton uncomfortably sharing a room, leaving the room with two bunks for Chris and me.

Unable to read, I changed into my bedtime shorts and sweatpants and folded my arms behind my head, staring at the ceiling. Chris came back from washing his face and sat across from me on his bed without saying a word.

The two of us were silent for a while before I could only say, "Chris, don't think about it so much. Go to sleep." With that I closed my eyes and rolled under the covers.

It was a while before I heard a rustle in Chris's direction and he too nestled under the covers.

Tomorrow was Monday and shortly after the results of the challenge were announced tonight, Taylor emailed through the living room screen to announce the hard photo shoot, meaning that the models would not be given a break the day after the challenge until after the hard photo shoot, then Wednesday would be a day off and give viewers time to vote on the official website, however Wednesday night would be another elimination.

Thursday and Friday repeat the Monday and Tuesday schedule, Saturday is the same elimination as Wednesday, Sunday is a full day off, and the cycle repeats itself over the course of a month to determine the winner. The America's Next Top Model schedule was packed and I couldn't allow myself to be distracted by a farce, nor did I want Chris to be distracted by worrying about me.

So not talking about it was the best thing to do.

Early the next morning, everyone gathered once again and waited for the bus to take us to the shoot. The mood was a bit subdued today and it seemed that most people were still reeling from the accident on the bus yesterday.

Chris had a dark circle under his eye, but he didn't bring up the subject of yesterday again, and we were strangers to Marvin and the three of them as the models gathered, with Jamie timidly following behind Mike. The atmosphere among the female models was fine, except for some tension between Alice and Rena.

Eventually the bus pulled up in front of a studio and as we walked in we saw Taylor and Jonathan waiting there from a distance.

I had to pat him on the shoulder and reassure him, "Just bear with it. If it's really hard, how about imagining that face of his as Alice? It'll give you a bit more motivation."

Chris slapped my hand on his shoulder away and turned his head, and his face had started to flush all the way up to the base of his ears. I gave him a surprised look but didn't say anything.

Yesterday's memory of Brian had caused a slight personality imbalance, and although I'd been able to regulate myself without further problems for a while, I'd been feeling a bit down. Once Chris was out of such an unlucky situation, it was a good way to get my mind in the right state of adjustment.

The fetish of having to treat an unpopular dead object as a fetish was a temporary mental hypnosis I did to myself with my eyes closed while the make-up artist applied make-up to my face.

Because you can only take good pictures when you really throw yourself into that situation. Just like an actor, an actor who fools himself performs a scene as if it were a documentary, the character will have flesh and blood.

I know that such an actor, however, is prone to mild schizophrenia, much like my memories with Brian today, and when there is an overlap between the two, it is easy to confuse the story with reality. This is why I won't be planning to become an actor.