Chapter 307 - In Case You Didn’t Know: Shame F.u.c.ks You Up[3]

Disciplining people through shame works for a while, but in the long-run, it backfires. As an example, let's use perhaps the most common source of shame on the planet: s.e.x.

The brain likes s.e.x. That's because a) s.e.x feels awesome, and b) we're biologically evolved to crave it. Pretty self-explanatory.

Now, if you grew up like most people—and especially if you're a woman—there's a good chance that you were taught that s.e.x was this evil, lecherous thing that corrupted you and makes you a horrible, icky person. You were punished for wanting it, and therefore, have a lot of conflicted feelings around s.e.x: it sounds amazing but is also scary; it feels right but also somehow so, so wrong. As a result, you still want s.e.x, but you also drag around a lot of guilt and anxiety and doubt about yourself.

This mixture of feelings generates an unpleasant tension within a person. And as time goes on, that tension grows. Because the desire for s.e.x never goes away. And as the desire continues, the shame grows.

Eventually, this tension becomes unbearable and must resolve itself in one of two ways.

The first option is to overindulge. The tension has become so great that we feel the only way to resolve it is by going all out in a spectacular way. Hooker orgies. Compulsive masturbation for days on end. Rampant infidelity. And, sadly, often s.e.x.u.a.l violence.

But indulgence doesn't really resolve the tension. It just kicks the can down the road. Because after you put the c.o.c.k rings away and the hookers have gone home, the shame and guilt come back. And they come back with a vengeance.

So, if indulgence doesn't work, what about the other option?

Well, the only other option to escape that internal tension is to numb it. To distract oneself from the tension by finding some larger, more palatable tension. Alcohol is a common one. Partying and drugs, of course. Watching 14 hours of television each day can be another option. Or just eating yourself half to death.

Sometimes, people do find productive ways to distract themselves from their shame. They run ultra-marathons or work 100-hour work weeks for years on end. These are, ironically, many of the people we come to admire for having inhuman willpower. But self-denial comes easy when, deep down, you f.u.c.k.i.n.g hate yourself.

Because shame can't be numbed away. It just changes form. The person who exercises religiously to escape their self-loathing will eventually find ways to loathe themselves for their exercise habits. And soon, what started out as a remarkable work ethic in the gym morphs into some form of body dysmorphia, like those guys who inject synthol into their arms to make themselves look like Popeye.

Similarly, the businessman who transmutes his shame into stellar work at the office eventually develops shame about his productivity to the point where he literally can't go home. He's terrified to do it. Any non-productive minute feels like an untenable failure. And while the rest of his life falls apart around him, he's only worrying about spreadsheets and quarterly numbers.

This is why the most hardcore, uncompromising people are usually the ones who are most compromised. It's why the most fundamentalist religious leaders who rail against the immorality of the world are always the same leaders who are ordering f.u.c.kboys off Craigslist.3 It's why the most "spiritually enlightened" gurus are also the ones blackmailing and extorting their followers. It's why the politicians most vocal about party loyalty and patriotism are always the ones shooting up meth in the airport bathroom. They are running away from their demons. And one way to do that is to create shinier, more socially acceptable demons.

Self-discipline based on self-denial cannot be sustained in the long-run. It only breeds greater dysfunction, and ultimately results in self-destruction.

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE CLASSICAL APPROACH

Self-Denial = Emotional Dysfunction = Self-Destruction = -(Self-Discipline)

Here's the problem with all this—and it's so obvious once you hear it, I can't believe we have to say it. You can will yourself to go to the gym if you don't feel like it for a few days. But unless the gym ends up feeling good in some way, you will eventually lose motivation, run out of willpower and stop going. You can will yourself to stop drinking for a day or a week, but unless you feel the reward of not drinking, then you will eventually go back to it.

This is why my polyphasic sleeping nightmare consistently ended in disaster. Staying up all night and sleep-depriving myself produced no tangible benefits. It produced no good feelings. It produced nothing but misery and delirium. It was an exercise in self-abuse. Therefore, my willpower eventually ran out and my emotions took over, driving me to pass out for about sixteen hours straight.

Any emotionally healthy approach to self-discipline must work with your emotions, rather than against them.

Ultimately, self-discipline is not based on willpower or self-denial, but it's actually based on the opposite: self-acceptance.