CH 56

—I just want to be able to hug you again one day.

He wasn’t trying to commit suicide. He just thought he had found a way to survive.

And a way to get closer to her.

The youth hugged the girl in his arms and kissed her cheeks, lips and hair carefully. He tasted the salty, scalding tears on her face.

The deepest part of his heart was also scalding.

He had no choice but to throw away his armor and surrender to her.

“Man Man, if you don’t like it, I’ll never do it again. I’ll listen to you. Don’t cry, okay?”

Zhang Man tightened her grip on his collar.

He was so confused and depressed that he hid here and came up with these thoughts.

Her voice was muffled.

“Does it hurt?”

The youth lost his voice and stroked her long hair. “… Man Man, I don’t feel it. It didn’t hurt at all, so it didn’t do anything to me.”

“I want to hear the truth.”

The youth was silent for a moment. “Maybe it hurt a little at first, but now I really can’t feel it. Man Man, don’t worry, okay?”

He didn’t do this to make her feel upset.

He made her cry so much today.

Zhang Man hugged him sadly and painfully. “Boyfriend, no matter what, you can’t do that.”

The scars were really terrible to see.

She couldn’t look anymore.

The pain humans felt was a way for them to protect themselves. People were afraid of pain, and so they would not hurt themselves easily.

He was doing the opposite.

How severe was his suffering that he wanted to eliminate it with pain?

She knew that it might be difficult for him, but she still had to say it.

“Li Wei, can you… try to accept them? Accept your delusions? You know that you are ill, and you can accept that.. You can’t always fight against it.”

He was nothing but flesh and blood. If he continued fighting like this, he would have cuts everywhere one day.

“I know it’s very hard for you. No one wants to be out of control and never wants to see something that’s not there. But since you can’t control yourself, why don’t you learn to accept it? We can slowly receive therapy in the future, and one day it will be better.”

The youth did not speak, and they were left in silence for a long time again.

The light in the room was set to the lowest level. The soft light had a yellow warmth.

Warm colors always make the atmosphere feel warmer than cold colors.

The youth looked at the girl’s face under the shadows and he was thinking for a long time.

His voice was hoarse and in pain. “Man Man, I don’t want to be out of control all the time.”

Finally, he expressed his deepest fear.

“Do you know what happened the night you stayed over at my house?”

“I saw Nick standing at the head of the bed, trying to pinch you. When I woke up, I found my hands around your neck.”

As the youth spoke, he trembled uncontrollably.

As long as he remembered that event, he felt an uncontrollable chill.

“Man Man, there might be one day in the future where I will be like my father, and I will totally lose my mind and personally…”

He hugged her tightly and buried his face in her hair. He could not continue speaking.

She was his most beloved person.

If such a day came, what could she do? He did not want to imagine a day where she was on the verge of death, and he continued to harm her without realizing it.

Over the past few days, it had become his biggest nightmare.

Zhang Man froze.

She never thought something like that had happened that night.

No wonder he said that day that he only had her and wanted her to be with him forever. Yet, he would firmly leave her afterwards.

It turns out that all his decisions were made very carefully.

He knew that it would not be easy without her if he left her, but he still made that choice. He must have struggled and suffered a lot, right?

Once again, Zhang Man clearly realized that this youth loved her more than himself.

Her heart was slightly aching in sorrow. She lifted her head from his arms and held his face.

“Li Wei, your illness is completely different from your father’s. I asked the doctor about it a long time ago, and the possibility of you getting dementia is very low. It might have been an accident that day. The possibility of you hurting me is very low.”

“Do you still remember? I just told you what I would become if you left me. Indifferent and worthless. I will never have a strong love in my life again.”

She looked straight at the uneasiness and pain in his eyes.

“So why are you letting me fall miserably in my life because of an event that will have a small possibility of happening?”

“What I want is to always be by your side. If you are fine, then I will be relieved.”

After she finished speaking, she didn’t ask him to answer her immediately.

It was different from when she asked him to give an answer about their relationship. She had to give him time for this.

Sometimes it took more courage to have acceptance than to fight it.

No one could accept such a thing easily, even him.

She held him quietly and yawned.

""

The exhaustion of her body made her mind gradually foggy.

“Boyfriend, I’m very tired today. I want to sleep for a while. Will you stay with me?”

When a person was tired, they easily became fragile and soft-hearted.

Zhang Man rubbed his chin and said cutely, “I want you to hold me as I sleep.”

As she spoke, she put her head on his warm chest and found a very comfortable sleeping position.

“Wake me up when it’s almost midnight, and we’ll do the countdown together.”

The youth nodded. He held his girl in his arms, listening to her steady breathing.

That’s right, today is New Year’s Eve.

Just like on his birthday, she always gave him the best gift.

…

Zhang Man was awakened by a kiss.

She opened her eyes in a daze. The room was dark, and the only light available was off. The boy’s breathing was heavy and it was right next to her face.

""

He was like a big furry dog.

She had just fallen asleep, and her mind was not fully awake. She only felt ticklish from him kissing her face, so she pushed his head away drowsily.

“Li Wei, stop playing around. What time is it now?”

The youth didn’t speak, but he wanted to get closer and was pushed away by her.

“… 11:45, Man Man, you asked me to wake you up.”

Zhang Man blinked. Her eyes were dry, and she had slept for more than two hours.

“It’s so late. The countdown is only 15 minutes away. Don’t play around with me.”

The youth’s voice was soft and a little aggrieved.

“Man Man… I haven’t kissed you for so many days…”

She was so sweet and soft. Holding her in his arms made his heart itch.

The feelings he had came back, as well as the satisfaction of holding her in his arms. His mood seemed to fluctuate every day after seeing her again.

He couldn’t sleep at all.

She was sleeping deeply and breathing quietly. Each breath was followed by her chest rising slightly. Her thin back also rose and fell, just like a sleeping cat nestled in his arms.

Her hair was soft and covered the whole pillow. At the same time, there were several strands of her hair that crept into his collar mischievously.

Under the warm yellow light, her lips appeared soft pink. The outline of her lips were not clear. Meanwhile, his lips were always dry.

She was more delicate than him.

He observed her like this and didn’t want to do anything but kiss her without a second thought.

—This girl could easily ignite his most primitive desire as a human being.

She was the only thing he wanted to have in the world, and even having her was not enough.

He couldn’t handle waking her because she slept so soundly.

He had to bear it for two hours, and forced himself to wake her up at 11:45.

Zhang Man thought it was amusing and said, “Well, you’ve kissed me many times today.”

The youth looked at her and moved closer to her head. He kissed her cheek and lips and replied, “That’s my reward for choosing the right option. It doesn’t have a limit…”

……

At the last minute, they did the New Year countdown together.

The pain and suffering finally was left behind as they left last year.

“Happy New Year, boyfriend!”

“Man Man, Happy New Year!”

tarararawr’s rararamblings: I love it when holidays in novels coincide with holidays in real life. Happy New Year~! My New Year’s resolution is to finish this novel teehee~