Chapter 39: I Hate Myself!

Chapter 39: I Hate Myself!

Although this Chapter isn't R18 it does contain some content not suitable for young children, read with your own discretion.

"Do you love me?"

Sebastian froze. His gaze locked onto Acier's soft, ethereal face, illuminated by the moonlight spilling through her bedroom window. She lay on top of him, her expression calm yet brimming with intensity.

Do you love me? The words echoed in his mind, over and over, like a broken record. Acier's gentle smile betrayed none of the weight behind her question as she waited for an answer.

Her fingers brushed lightly over his face, tracing its contours before her nose grazed his. Any other time, the gesture would have sent a shiver racing down his spine. Now, he was stiff as a board.

Sebastian drew in a deep, measured breath. Then, without a word, he grabbed her wrist. Before Acier could react, he flipped her over, rolling her onto the bed so that he was now on top.

"Ah—!" Acier let out a startled gasp, her wide eyes locking onto his as the shift in position sank in. She lay there, pinned beneath him, as Sebastian knelt above her.

Her breath hitched, a faint blush creeping onto her cheeks as he held her wrists firmly, preventing any chance of escape. His unamused expression bore down on her, sharp and cutting, making her tremble under his gaze.

She forced a nervous laugh, trying to ease the tension. "S-Sebby—"

"What kind of question is that?" Sebastian interrupted, his tone cold and clipped.

Acier flinched, her trembling intensifying. But before she could respond, Sebastian leaned in closer, his face mere inches from hers. Their eyes met squarely, and the weight of his stare was suffocating.

"Of course, I love you!" His voice softened, but his expression twisted into one of incredulity, as though he were staring at a complete idiot.

Acier froze, her eyes wide in shock.

Sebastian's jaw tightened as he watched her reaction. Do you love me? Do you love me? The question churned in his mind, dragging along a bitter tangle of emotions. What kind of stupid question is that?

Would I be doing all this if I didn't? he thought bitterly. Running myself ragged to save you, to fix this family, all for some misguided sense of guilt? As if I couldn't just wash my hands of this mess, claim none of it was my responsibility, and walk away?

Do I look like some saint with a messiah complex? His lips twitched as if to sneer. Why do you look so surprised?

Ever since he'd transmigrated into this world and met Acier Silva, Sebastian hadn't doubted for a second that he loved her. There was no hesitation, no reason to avoid saying it aloud—unless he wanted to stir up some drama for fun or couldn't stomach the embarrassment.

But this? This reaction? It made him want to storm off to House Fran?ois and demand they peer into her mind. Did Megicula turn her into an idiot or something?

He wanted to scream it all at her, unload every ounce of frustration swirling in his chest. But watching her now—her vulnerability, the weight of her emotions—it was clear this question mattered deeply to her.

Sebastian sighed inwardly. He could have ended the conversation right here, let his answer be enough.

But no.

She deserved to hear the whole truth.

"Acier," Sebastian's voice was soft, almost hesitant as he parted his lips to speak.

"Y-yeah, Sebby?" Acier perked up immediately, her blush deepening as her face lit with unrestrained joy. Tears glimmered in her eyes, threatening to fall in torrents.

Sebastian gritted his teeth. He wanted to stay silent, to leave her basking in this moment of happiness. But he knew why she was so elated, and the truth gnawed at him. From the fractured memories of his predecessor, he understood. The old Sebastian had never once told Acier he loved her since their engagement. And the times he had said it before, as though it were effortless? Acier had long dismissed those as hollow lies from a false, fleeting past.

He didn't want to shatter her joy, but breaking her heart seemed inevitable. A curse he could not escape in this life.

"I definitely love you, Acier..." Sebastian began, his voice steady but laced with unease.

"But?" Acier stilled instantly, the flicker of hope in her eyes faltering as she caught the weight behind his words.

Sebastian bit his lip, his tone gentler now. "But I don't think it's the kind of love you're asking about."

He watched her freeze, her tears no longer brimming with joy. Reaching out, Sebastian wiped away the streaks from her cheeks. His hand lingered briefly before he forced himself to continue.

"I love you as something far more than a friend, a partner, or someone to confide in. But..." He paused, swallowing hard. "I don't know yet if I love you as a woman—as a lover."

"Oh." Acier's voice was barely audible, her lips trembling as the single word escaped. She turned her face away slightly, trembling fingers wiping at her eyes as Sebastian let go of her wrist.

She sniffled, rubbing her face with trembling hands in an effort to regain her composure. The sight twisted something deep inside Sebastian.

He felt like absolute shit.

But he didn't completely regret it.

The original Sebastian in me, twisted as he was, definitely regrets this, he thought bitterly. But I need time—to figure out whether I truly share those feelings or if I'm just being influenced by him.

Sebastian exhaled heavily, his chest tight with the weight of his decision. If I tell her I love her the way she wants and it's true, that's one thing. But if it turns out to be a lie, I'd be the worst kind of bastard.

Still kneeling on the bed, Sebastian watched her closely. Acier finally lowered her hands, revealing her face. Though her eyes were rimmed red and streaked with dried tears, her expression was calm.

A weak smile broke through, and slowly, she raised her arms. Her hands cupped his cheeks once more, their warmth drawing him out of his thoughts. She rubbed his face gently, her voice soft but steady.

"Thanks for being honest with me."

Sebastian opened his mouth to respond, intending to stiffly nod in agreement, but she continued, her smile shifting into something sly.

"But I wish you'd be honest with yourself."

Sebastian's brows furrowed, his confusion evident. "What do you mean—"

Sebastian stopped mid-sentence as Acier moved her hands from his face, reaching instead toward the lower part of his body. Before he could react, she grabbed something—something unmistakably "hard."

He felt his brain short-circuit as his head jerked downward in a stiff, robotic motion, confirming what his stunned nerves already told him.

Three agonizing seconds passed as reality sank in. She was gripping what he thought she was gripping. His face turned a brilliant shade of crimson as he raised his head back up slowly, his expression frozen in utter disbelief. Acier's smug smile only made the situation worse.

She gave "it" a squeeze, her voice dripping with teasing playfulness. "You say one thing, but your body does another."

Sebastian immediately devolved into a stammering, flustered mess, his embarrassment peaking as he scrambled for a defense. "T-t-t-this is a normal male reaction!"

Acier's eyes curved into sly crescents as she tilted her head. Her tone turned foxy. "To what?"

Are you really going to make me say it? Sebastian gritted his teeth, frustration building before he finally spat out, "To a gorgeous woman!"

There! I said it! Are you happy now?! he cursed inwardly, his humiliation burning brighter than his blush.

Acier's blush returned in full force, but she quickly composed herself. Her voice remained playful, her eyes glinting with anticipation as she echoed the question she'd asked earlier. "How do I look?"

Sebastian trembled, feeling the weight of her gaze. With a sigh of defeat, he answered honestly, "Beautiful." This time, his body and words were finally in sync.

Sebastian stilled, his brow furrowing. His voice dropped to a tender murmur. "What do you mean?"

"I mean..." Acier hesitated, her eyes darting to the bedframe as she avoided his gaze. After a moment, she lowered her head to meet his eyes. "I hate that I love you."

Sebastian's hands reached up, mirroring hers as he cupped her cheeks. His expression turned serious, his voice steady but firm. "Explain."

Acier sighed, pulling herself free from his hold. She laid back, resting on top of him, her back pressed against his chest. Her gaze locked onto the ceiling, unable to face him directly.

Sebastian, understanding her need for space, responded by wrapping his arms securely around her waist. The embrace was firm but comforting, protective yet gentle.

Acier closed her eyes, savoring the warmth for a moment before speaking again. Her voice trembled as she confessed, "S-Sebby... I know there's something wrong with me."

Sebastian said nothing, waiting.

Acier bit her lip before continuing, her voice cracking under the weight of her emotions. "My l-love for you... if you can even call something this disgusting love... it goes beyond obsession. It's unhealthy... and I hate that!"

Her fists clenched tightly, her nails threatening to dig into her palms, but Sebastian moved quickly. His hands slid down, catching hers and holding them securely in his own. He didn't stop her from speaking, but he wasn't about to let her hurt herself.

Tears welled up in Acier's eyes as she pushed on. "Sebby, did you know? Years ago, my mother hired a curse specialist to check if you had put some sort of spell on me—something to control my thoughts and feelings, to make me worship you?"

Sebastian paused, his head resting against her neck. He shook it side to side, silently answering her.

Acier let out a weak chuckle, her voice tinged with bitterness. "I didn't tell you because I was scared of what you'd do to my mother if you found out."

Sebastian nodded against her neck, his gesture slow and deliberate. Smart choice.

Acier's voice softened as she continued staring at the ceiling. "If it means anything, my mother didn't know I knew either. She thought I'd never consent to something like that. She thought I was too 'in love' with you to let anyone cast a spell on me. So, she hired that specialist in secret."

Sebastian hummed quietly, encouraging her to go on.

"But you know what?" Acier's voice trembled, tears sliding down her cheeks.

"What?" Sebastian asked softly.

"This time, she was wrong."

Sebastian froze, his breath hitching as Acier continued.

"Even back then, when I didn't doubt your feelings for me as much, I still questioned how you could so easily get me to go along with whatever you said or did. I needed to know—had you gone so far as to hex me? Had you turned me into your puppet?"

She paused, her fists trembling slightly in his hold. "With my strength and mana sense, no black-market nobody could sneak up on me. But my mother... she didn't understand how strong I really was. I let that specialist cast his spell. I wanted to spy on them, to hear the results for myself."

"And you know the answer," Sebastian murmured against her neck.

Acier nodded, her voice cracking with emotion. "No curse. No hex. No spell. Nothing. I was, and still am, naturally infatuated with you. And that... that terrifies me. I hate myself for it more than anything."

"Why?" Sebastian's voice was calm, but he knew she wasn't done yet. There was still so much more she needed to say.

"Because I hate that you abused my mother," Acier's voice cracked, raw with anguish, "and instead of stopping you—even though I had the strength to crush you with a flick of my fingers—I told her to get lost. I kicked my own mother out of her own home!"

Sebastian's arms remained steady around her, holding her as she unloaded her guilt and pain.

"I hate that no matter how much you lashed out at our children—even when Nozel came to me, begging me to make it stop and end our relationship—I lied to his face. I told him you loved us, that you had your own struggles, and that this was just some test he had to endure to become stronger!"

Her body trembled as fresh tears fell, but she pressed on.

"I hate that I can't see myself divorcing you—unless you cross one final line and physically raise a hand against our children. Even the emotional scars you've left on them haven't been enough for me to leave!"

Her fists clenched in Sebastian's grip as her voice grew louder.

"I hate that despite Nozel being by my side for years, all it took was one silent night with you at my bedside for me to turn on him—to chide him and demand he show you respect!"

Her breathing quickened, her words spilling out faster.

"I hate that you could bring Dorothy into our lives without so much as a warning, and I couldn't even bring myself to insult you for it! I just put on a show for Nozel, acting like I cared by asking him to leave the room!"

Her voice broke as she whispered the next part.

"I hate that... I hate that even though you never once visited me as I wasted away, I couldn't bring myself to divorce you. Even when I had nothing left to lose, I clung to the thought of you. Because losing you—despite you barely even being there—felt like a fate worse than death."

Sebastian felt her shudder as her words continued.

"And then I justified it like a hypocrite to my sister, telling her it was for my children's safety—that they'd need you in their lives to shield them from the nobles after I was gone. But even then, I couldn't guarantee you'd step up! And why would they even need you? Nozel—our son—is amazing! I'm positive that even without either of us, he'd be able to protect this house and his siblings from those vultures!"

Acier let out a bitter, broken laugh as she kept speaking.

"I use my children, my sister, my mother, as excuses to stay with you. To keep you in my life. But at the end of the day, it's not about them. It's about me. It always has been, and it always will be. I'm bewitched by you. No matter what you do to me, I'll always convince myself it's my fault—or someone else's—and I hate that!"

Her body heaved with sobs as she buried her face in his chest, her voice hoarse and desperate.

"It's eating away at me! Every time I look in the mirror, I want to vomit. I want to punch myself. I'm an unworthy mother, sister, and daughter. Why am I like this?!"

She tilted her head back, screaming.

"Sebby?! What in the actual hell is wrong with me?! I need to know! You're a doctor, right? Right?! Please, tell me! Please... please... please..."

Her pleas dissolved into soft, pitiful whimpers until she suddenly stilled, frozen as Sebastian hugged her tightly from behind.

His voice was soft, steady, and honest as he whispered into her ear. "I don't know."

Those words were both a comfort and a knife. They were the truth. Sebastian's expertise lay in life sciences, not the human psyche. Mental health disorders and emotional trauma were well beyond his field, and knowing that made Acier's stomach churn.

Just as despair began to settle over her, Sebastian shifted, turning her over so they were face-to-face.

Acier's breath hitched, her tear-streaked eyes widening as he gently wiped them clean with his thumb. Then, leaning down, he kissed her forehead with a tenderness that broke through the walls she'd built around her heart.

"I don't know," he repeated, his voice firm. "But we'll figure this out. Together."

Acier's lips parted as if to argue, but all that came out was a weak nod. She slumped against his chest, her body exhausted from the storm of emotions.

"...Good night, Sebby..." she whispered, her voice faint as her eyes fluttered shut.

Sebastian stayed awake for a moment, watching her drift into the first peaceful sleep she'd had in years. Gently, he pulled the covers over them, his hand tracing soft circles on her back.

"Good night, Acier..." he murmured, closing his eyes.

Sebastian didn't know if he loved her in the way she wanted him to—yet. But he was certain of one thing: when the time came to give her an answer, it would be yes.