Chapter 1: Wow, I guess I'm an axe now!

Chapter 1: Wow, I guess I'm an axe now!

Well, isnt this something?

I appeared to be, for lack of a better word, embedded in the side of a large tree. From what I could see of the sky, it was the beginning of a bright, beautiful day. A fresh new morning set to usher in a slew of new, wonderful possibilities. So cheery and nice! It felt good!

I think I wanted to kill something.

Oh, gosh, isnt that the weirdest thing to say? Theres fresh dew glistening on the grass, and I can even see an adorable brown rabbit nibbling on something it dug up by a bush. Oh, its so cute! I would have loved to have had a pet like that when I was a child!

Yep. I just wanted to chop it up.

Come here, you little rascal! Come on! Aww, youre too precious for words! I just want to put you in my arms and give you a squeeze! Then, I want to turn you into a finely minced paste! Oh, darn. I cant reach you.

Heck, I cant reach anything. I dont have any arms! Well, thats not good.

What was my last memory? Hmm. As I recall, I was exchanging gunfire with my former employers, who were upset with me because Id absconded from the organization with a large amount of cash that Id decided I wanted. I do things like that, sometimes.

Id nearly made my getaway, when my tire blew. Let that be a lesson to always winterize your vehicle and keep up on your maintenance! My former chums were quick to catch up and were in no mood to listen to my explanation. I had to kill quite a few of them, but sadly, they had the numbers advantage. I didnt last very long after I ran out of bullets.

Wait. I distinctly recall laying on the ground, bleeding out, while Mr. Torelli shook his head at me in disappointment before pointing his gun at my face. Mr. Torelli had pretty good aim. I should be dead. No, I was dead.

Well, dang.

And now begins your punishment.

Whoa! Who said that? I hadnt seen anyone. Wow, thats spooky.

The mysterious voice was cold and angry. Honestly, its tone reminded me of the various authority figures Id upset and offended during the precocious days of my youth. It made me feel like I was about to be expelled from another school or was being investigated as a person of interest in a suspected homicide. Heh, back then Id been a little wild!

You lived your previous life as a thoughtless weapon of evil, doing whatever you wished without any care for the consequences of your actions.

Oh, gosh, I wasnt that bad! War, plagues, and famine surely hurt more people than I ever could. Jeez, how could anyone compete with those numbers?

Be silent!Your self-serving excuses wont get you out of this one, cur!The price youll now pay for your thoughtless cruelty shall be thus: I sentence you to eternity as an axe!

Ohhhh, is that what I am? Okay, that makes sense, thats why Im stuck in a tree! Jeez, that was really niggling away at me, you know? Okay, Im an axe! I get it.

And does this not disturb you?To be mindlessly wielded by others for the rest of your existence?Unable to control your destiny, fated forevermore to be a tool of carpentry and woodcraft?

Im adaptable! Honestly, this doesnt seem like a bad deal at all. Jeez, burning in Hell would have been so much worse! No, this is okay. Deciding things for myself was always such a hassle. Plus, interacting with others could be so confusing! All those facial expressions and emotions and stuff? I never knew when Id say the wrong thing and get someone all fired up at me. I really dont get people.

What?

Oh, during my second stint, I got diagnosed with antisocial personality-hoo-hum. Thats why my court appointed therapist said it was so hard for me to differentiate between people and objects.

You mean to say

I could too, though! People can move around and scream for help, objects cant. See? Not unless they were battery powered. I could never find the batteries in people, though. No matter how hard I dug around in them.

Do you mean to say you feel NO contrition for your deeds?

Feel it? Gosh, I cant even spell it!

DAMNABLE FIEND!

I felt a hand grab my handle and pull me from the tree. Then another one lashed out and slapped me in the face. Heh, wasnt that silly? Who slaps the head of a sharp axe? Thats just begging to have an accident.

Ouch!Damn it!

See?

A strange golden substance dripped from the strangers wounded hand and made contact with my blade. Wow, that feltpretty good. No, not merely good, wonderful. Was that his blood? Why did his blood feel so incredible? What was this guy? There was no way he was human!

Something was happening inside of me. I could feel it! There was a change taking place.

I was still an axe, but somehow, I feltaxe-ier.

Wretched thing!VileAXE!I will waste no more time enduring your presence!I leave you now to your punishment!

With that, I was embedded once more into the tree. The stranger was gone.

But that sensation persisted. There was a power growing within me. I could feel it! It was like I was expanding beyond the boundaries of my humble axe-self. I dont think this was intended. Wow, that guy really shouldnt have bled on me!

Want to hear something weird? I could taste the tree.

I could taste its lifeforce. I was slowly draining it away. I was eating it! I was eating a tree! Wow, wasnt that something?

Name: ???

Race: Divine Weapon

Alignment: Absurdly Neutral.

Attack: 300

Mana: 0/0

Divinity:100/100

Skills: Divine Eye, Divine Perception, Divine Restoration, Solar Absorption, Rooting, Wood-cutting.

Wow, this seems pretty nifty. So, this world operates kind of like a videogame, yeah? Leveling up and earning skills and stuff?

Oh, goodness no, not in the slightest. For your convenience however, Im adjusting your perception of progression to match that of the electronic entertainment you enjoyed in your former life.

Thats nice of you! But how come?

Efficiency, mainly.Truthfully, since you dont value the lives of other living beings in the slightest, it only makes sense that youd think of the world as though it were a video game.Its simply a reflection of your utterly abhorrent personality.

Okay! Well, thank you! You were a little acerbic at the end there, but I honestly appreciate your help. Will we ever meet again?

Of course, we will!Think of me as your personal appraisal tool.Your Divine Perception skill will allow you to summon me whenever you wish.

Oh, thats nice! Well, in that case, would you like to

Id prefer to keep our relationship professional.Although you do seem like a nice person, theres an excellent chance youll be destroyed within the year.Also, youre a sociopath, and seeming nice is something you creatures do to put potential targets at ease before you strike.

Well, I cant fault your logic. See you later?

See you later!

She seemed like a nice person.

Okay. Wow, busy day.

So, if I had this right, I had been murdered, resurrected into another world as an axe, and then accidentally transformed into a super-axe. Which was great, I liked it very much, but apparently, I was going to have to defend my existence in order to stick around and keep enjoying my new life. And that meant I was going to have to keep chopping away at things, which ironically, was what I liked doing anyway.

It was like telling a compulsive eater they were never allowed to leave the buffet.

Well, since that was the case, I might as well get started. I think I knew how to do it, too! It would take a little ingenuity and a lot of luck, but not trying was the same as quitting, and gosh, I never was a quitter!

About an hour later, my wielder came back from his break, eager to get back to work. Whistling cheerfully to himself, he picked me up, planted himself in front of another tree, took aim and then began screaming in horrified agony when thorns sprang from my handle and tore rapidly into his body.

Gods! ARRGHHH! Whats happening to me?! he screamed.

The other woodcutters raced over and saw blood streaming down his arm and neck.

Morrison! Morrison! What happened to you, man? one of them asked.

I cant let it go! I cant let go! Oh, help me please, it hurts! It hurts so much! Get it off me!

Just hold still, let me get a grip and WHAT ARE YOU DOING

Well, what he was doing, was using me to hack his friends to pieces. Well, honestly, he wasnt the one doing it. My roots had pierced his nervous system and taken control of his entire body, and now I was piloting him like a meat puppet. He was just along for the ride.

They tried to fight back, but, you know, Im an axe. What was the point? Then they tried to run away, but I found that by speeding up the growth of my roots, I could extend outward like a tentacle, and cut them down lightning quick. Oh, this was fun! The appraisal screen lady was right, this really was like a videogame! And who was up on points? Meeeeee.

All too soon, it was over. Fifteen wood cutters, each worth around one hundred-fifty points. No useful skills, though. Booo. Well, at least it was enough to almost level up.

The sound of terrified sobbing filled my ears, as my wielder cried at the sight of his chums all turned into chum.

Hey, buddy, dont worry about that, I told him. Now that we were bonded, I could speak to him directly. These things happen! Its the way life goes.

W-who said that! Where are you? Are you the demon whos possessed me?!

Demon? Oh, no, no, nothing like that! Im just a regular fellow like you. Calm down, why dont you? Were going to be spending some time together. Lets do our best to get along.

You killed my friends! he shrieked.

Who? What was this guy talking about?

I really hoped this wasnt going to turn into a thing.