Chapter 10: Ind-Axe-pendent Day!

Chapter 10: Ind-Axe-pendent Day!

Oh, neat! A mysterious memory from my past life on earth! I love stuff like this!

Earlier

So, just as that super-cool old guy had stood up and given the order to his skarn stooges to finish making a meal of me, a sudden burst of fierce wind struck at us. I had just enough time to see the old guy make this sweet looking sideways leap that got him safely out of danger before the skarn and I got swept up by the gale.

A gale made of razorblades, it seemed. Ouch!

On my mothers name, guys, I swear that I have never once placed a small animal inside a blender. Not a mouse, not a frog, not even a spider. Ive never even been tempted to do something like that! Why would I? The idea of it is so gross!

Seriously, just because at a young age I manifested the behavioral traits that those know-it-all doctors refer to as the dark triad (didnt that sound just like the name of a thrash-infused progressive rock band?) didnt mean I was cruel to animals.

(I like most animals, even if most animals dont like me. People, I could occasionally do without.)

But I have to confess this: more than once I've wondered what it would feel like to be inside of a blender, myself. Now I knew!

Its not weird! Please dont look at me while wearing a facial expression that says: thats weird! Its not! Dont people riding an elevator sometimes wonder what it would feel like to throw themselves out of an open window and plummet to their death? It was the same principal! Except less likely, because there are no giant blenders.

Or so I thought until I found myself in the middle of one. I later found out it was a spell called [Tornado Strike]. I felt like its name didnt really do it justice. A more descriptive and accurate name would been [Instant Pudding]. At least thats what I would have called it.

So, there I was, strung up all throughout the treetops in bloody pink ribbons of torn skin and innards. Pretty nasty, right? It didnt bother me that much; I loved Halloween, so clearly my costume this year was going to be sexy decorations.

That thought gave me a nice chuckle, at which point, I blacked out.

Gosh, [Tornado Strike] was something else, wasnt it? Being rendered unconscious due to serious injuries was something that'd only happened to me once on this new world, and that was only because of my ignorance of how slimes worked.

Realizing that there existed magic that was powerful enough to cream even me this badly; well, it was a real wake-up call! I still had so much more growing left to do before I was safely beyond the reach of death. Maybe it was time to start taking this world just a little more seriously before I got caught with my pants down again!

Hey, look at me, Im learning a useful lesson! And all it took was being turned into a bunch of meat confetti! Hurrah for me! Hurrah for axes!

__

Years ago...

[****], can I talk to you for a sec?

So, there I was one night, minding my own business at the Olive Garden, enjoying a delicious plate of their world-famous chicken alfredo pasta with unlimited breadsticks, when who else but Tommy Angel face Torelli, the favored fucking son of my boss, Angelo Torelli, came strutting up to my table like he owned the goddamn place, and pulled up a chair as though Id invited him to sit with me.

This was a few years before I became an axe, so naturally my worldview was a lot less sophisticated and peaceful. There was just something about Tommy that pissed me off. Something that I hated so much. I think it was those adidas sneakers he wore all the time. The way he laced them was so sloppy. It really bothered me. Also, he was such a little moralist.

We didnt call Tommy Angel Face just because he was pretty. This sanctimonious clown considered himself a good person! Can you believe that shit? What kind of a deluded fuck participated in organized crime but still carried himself with the solemnity of a saint?

Did he think throwing a few bucks in some priest's collection plate and chanting a few hail Mary's would magically resolve him of his bad deeds? Not fucking likely!

Oh, wow, I forgot how much I used to curse back when I was human. Sorry about that!

[****], why do you eat this shit, man? Tommy asked with a condescending sneer. Youre working for real Italians! You need to come out with us one night, well show you what real food tastes like!

I like this place, I replied. Once a semester, if we met our goals, the staff would take us to Olive Garden as a treat. It was nice. I could eat as much pasta and breadsticks as I wanted. It made me feel happy.

That shit aint real pasta, bro

I fucking said I like it here, Tommy. That okay with you? I asked with a smile.

Smiles were always so hard for me. I practiced them a lot, but I never improved at making them. My attempts sure shut people up quickly, though.

All right, all right, no offense meant, Tommy said placatingly.

So, why are you interrupting my mealtime? I asked as I swallowed another forkful of noodles.

Tommy frowned at me, put off by my rudeness. He wasnt used to being treated like that.

Tommy was his daddys precious boy. He grew up in the lap of luxury and knew what time his meals would come every day. Hell, the fact he even got to eat every day made him such a lucky little prick! Toys for Christmas, warm clothes for winter, he had the life Id wanted for myself as a kid. Now he was making the rounds, moving up in the organization under his daddys watchful eye. Giving mugs like me our marching orders.This chapter is updated by nov(e)(l)biin.com

The heir apparent.

The prince that was promised.

Tommy the Saint.

This fucking guy.

I wanted to talk to you about what happened at Donellis yesterday

In a public fucking restaurant? I asked sharply.

Relax, were the only ones here, he said reassuringly.

When are we ever really fucking alone, you goof?

[****], I just want to know what happened there

Dont know a fucking thing about it, ask somebody else. I told him.

[****], I know my dad sent you there to collect a monthly donation. But somehow that ended with Mark Donelli catching some lead in his knee

Sounds like a hell of a catch, I said approvingly.

Why dont you just give me some of the deets?

If theres any details to anything that allegedly happened, someone else knows them. But you know who doesnt? Me. Good night, Tommy.

[****], dont get up. [****], come on, man, this if going to be my crew one day, I just want to

Good night, Tommy.

He was lying. He had to be lying! Culner had assurances that those deeds could never be traced back to him.

And yet, the boy stood there, steadfastly looking at him with resolute eyes. He knew. He really knew.

How much will your silence cost me? Culner asked.

I wont be bought off by your filthy coins.

You dont even know what I needed that money for!

It wasnt worth it.

You dont know that

Yes, I do. We both do.

DAMN YOU! Culner screamed, truly losing his temper for the first time that night. It was going to happen anyway! No one could have stopped them from taking what they wanted, I-I lessened the damage, it would have been so much worse without me

You made a profit and you walked away. But I can see your crimes, old man, The boy said. Theyre written on your very soul. And Im calling you to account for them.

You sanctimonious little worm! You have no idea how this world works! What men have to do for survival! You're good with that axe, boy, but so was I! and it still wasnt enough to change this ugly, unendurable cesspool of a planet whose shit were all forced to swim in! Wake up! See things as they are, not as you want them to be!

Thats what makes you so despicable, Rathen Culner, the boy said. Your cowardly acceptance of evil, and your refusal to admit your part in it.

Culner laughed bitterly at those words. So, what are you then? Some sort of wandering hero of Justice?

No. Im just a nameless axe thats chosen to be swung in the service of the voiceless.

So, you do think youre a hero!

Your words mean nothing.

Neither do your ridiculous sentiments! Youre nothing but a self-righteous punk living out an indulgent fantasy of heroism! Well, that dream ends tonight! Now, let me show you the real world! A world filled with horror and despair lurking just beneath the gawdy delusions of your childish dreams!

Fine. Show me.

No more words, Culner decided. No more words for this bastard. He wants to judge me, does he? Ill send him screaming into HELL!

It had always been like this. Ever since the war, when Culner had first won fame for himself as a young peasant warrior whose axe couldnt be defeated. That war had been his making, allowing him to earn his Knighthood, and then his ascension to the Crowns Blades. But always, he was looked down upon. Always judged, always considered unworthy of his achievements. The secondary parts of being one of the Royal familys protectors: the lavish lifestyle, the constant socializing, his family always demanding money from him, the endless pressure to keep climbing higher

It had broken him. And when it had broken him, he had made decisions that, as the boy said, had blackened his soul. Selling those children into slavery had been the worst of them. And somehow this boy knew what he'd done and had come to punish him!

No, Culner whispered. No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO! I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO! he screamed! The blade of his axe flared brightly to life, now engulfed with purplish light as he poured his remaining mana into it. It was time to end this!

Go to Hell, Hero! Go to Hell and leave me alone! [Soul Breaker]!

Culner leapt into the air and brought his fiery axe down with tremendous force onto his opponents skull. The blow was flawlessly delivered, splitting the boys head down the middle and continuing all the way to his waist. No matter how powerful his healing imbuement may have been, the kid wasnt getting up from that one.

Culner leaned on his axe, now exhausted. It was done. His miserable secret was safe once more. But how long would it stay that way? Maybe it was time to leave these lands; leave them before another would-be hero arrived to set things right. That might be the only way hed be able to die in peace

Hey, Culner, said a familiar voice from behind him. No, it couldn't be, it couldn't

Culner turned around and was greeted by the mind-numbing sight of the boy standing before him as his body swiftly pulled itself back together; thin plant-like tendrils quickly knitted up the severed meat and bone wrought by Culners axe, while the skin itself quickly regenerated with a nauseating zipping motion. Soon, there was only a vertical pink line to suggest where the wound had been, and then even that vanished from sight.

What the f

Youve just been P-AXE-cified!

Before Culner could respond, the boy swung upwards with his axe. It was a similar strike to the one Culner had delivered, only the boys had started at Culners crotch instead of his head. And this one didnt end at Culners waist, but instead continued to rise all the way to his skull, splitting him vertically in two.

Axes to axes, dust to dust.

__

I didnt exalt in my victory as I ordinarily would have. Defeating this man brought me no joy. It had been my solemn duty to avenge the many axes he must have delivered into bondage, and so that was what I had done.

It had merely been what was expected of me.

Thats not how any of that works, at all, in the slightest, in any appreciable way, ever.

Huh? What do you mean by that?

[Axe Mastery] just means he was very good at using an axe in combat.

Seriously?! Jeez, what was he getting all worked up for then?

Who can say what haunts the hearts of mortal men?

Ha! Ill say! Yeesh, what a weirdo!

By the way, congratulations!You have earned four thousand experience points!

Aww, not even a level up?

Let me finish, please. Congratulations, you have received the skill trait [Magic].Congratulations!You have unlocked [Earth Magic] Level 1!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Please stand by to receive your imbuement of magic.

Wait, what does that mean

Oblivion struck.

Again.