Chapter 22: Why are all the women in this world scary?

Chapter 22: Why are all the women in this world scary?

I had to hand it to myself; Id gotten pretty good at flying!

I credit it to all the practice I put in while staying at the Bumblebelly farm. My speed and maneuverability had increased by a factor of Im amazing! I could now turn on a dime and take off and land without accidentally killing something.

It was also now much easier to intentionally kill something, too! Flying was so much fun!

My only issue with it was that it gets lonely up here, soaring above the heads of the hapless, ground-bound meat. What was the point of being incredible without someone up here with me to bear fearful witness and beg to be let go without realizing that I was going to grant their wish ironically?

Also, birds make terrible conversationalists! They always make everything about them.

Imagine my relief when I finally made my way clear of that boring enchanted forest filled with magical talking animals, and all their southern gothic bull-spit, and found myself above a nice well-worn road that was packed with a caravan of human travelers!

Hurray! I love humans! I totally used to be one of those things!

I began to land so I could introduce myself, but then paused in midair. What was I doing? Id already met exactly four other human beings since Benson died, and so far, all four of them had tried to kill me! Perhaps I should avoid humanity instead of trying to befriend them.

They were clearly nuts around here!

Although now that I thought about it, Ive technically met ten humans if you count those soldiers that I butchered for being rude to me in front of a lady. Oh, then that number becomes twenty-five if you count those lumberjacks I mulched up because I was bored, and they were there.

You know, if you really think about it, Ive wasted loads of humans and theyve barely been able to slow me down. I was kind of unstoppable!

Yeah, I really was being overly cautious! Why should I let a few bad eggs spoil the pie, or the batch, or however we categorize what expired dairy products do in a group setting? Or maybe it was apples? Who cared! Now that I was a HERO, a sentiment which my pal Libby completely agreed with me about--

I did not and you are not.

--it was time I did more to interact with the public. Thats what heroes did in the games and comics I enjoyed back on earth! They traveled the world, solving mysteries and taking quests while changing the lives of the useless chumps who couldnt do anything for themselves because they sucked.

It was time for Max the Axe to show the world what he was made of!

Which is to say, it was time to grow a new meat suit.

Oh, I call them meat suits now. It made sense to call them meat puppets back when there were two minds sharing the body, but since I now just grew my own and was the sole occupant, who exactly was I puppeteering? I like to be accurate in my language, you know? So, meat puppets were out, and meat suits were in.

See how logical I can be when I try?

I landed discreetly behind a nearby tree and began growing myself a new fleshy coating.

A little while back, I asked Libby why I could now grow new bodies for myself and no longer needed a fresh corpse to inhabit. After a few long explanations, followed by a lot of carefully worded shorter explanations, what I learned was that Id basically absorbed the DNA of my first host, Benson, and had the information filed away in storage. Now, whenever I needed a new meat suit, I could make one from scratch!

Ahhh, Benson. My unforgettable first friend. Darn, I missed that guy!

The problem with regrowing a Benson suit, though, was that Benson, for some silly reason, was now considered a fugitive from justice. If I got inspected by a guard with another one of those darn scrying mirrors, the law would be all over me like ads on a twenty-minute-long YouTube video. Who needed that hassle?

Luckily, Libby had me covered!

I closed my eyes and envisioned a screen. On the left side of it, there was a nude male body. On the right, there were two sliding scales for height and weight, and a large color wheel. There were also separate screens for modeling anatomy and hairstyles as well as separate colors for those.

Thats right folks! At my request, Libby helped me create my very own character creation menu! Shed never heard of Smackdown vs. Raw, or Phantasy Star Online, but shed been deeply intrigued by the notion of customizing a body to your own specifications, so shed gladly helped me slap together this interface.

Youre the best, Libby!

I know you were thinking about trading me in earlier.

Da best!

__

Fine, fine, fine, but you didnt have to shut off my powers! Since when could you do that, anyway?

Blame yourself. You were the one who named me, which promoted me to active partnership.

What? Seriously? Well, in that case, Im unnaming you, and demoting you back to being my whatever it was you used to be!

Too late, Max. You get what you get, and you dont throw a fit!

Nuts!

I said name yourself! the lady Knight with the scary sword repeated.

I slowly cleared my throat and carefully weighed my options. Libby thought Id get us killed, did she? Ha! As if! Time to show her just how slick I could be.

Well? Are you going to answer me? the woman asked.

Fuck you, lady, youre not my dad! I snapped back at her.

Oh, no! What a bad time to remember I have oppositional defiance disorder!

Why, you arrogant little swine! I ought to wash your foul mouth out with a bar of soap! the Knight declared.

She hopped off her horse and strode over to me with an angry expression on her face. Oh, crap, was this freakin Brienne of Tarth? She towered over me! She had to be 64 at least! And she was really hot too, damn it!

I wish I could call a time out and go readjust my height settings, but it was too late. Lesson learned: always go tall! You never know when youll run into a giantess! This could have led to Snu-snu! What a missed opportunity! It wouldnt have killed me either, Im an axe!

Life could be so cruel at times.

Sorry, Ser Lady, uh, Knight person. Ive been traveling alone for some time, and Ive grown used to the sounds of my own thoughts and stuff. I didnt mean to offend you. Youre very tall!

You say youve been traveling? she asked. Then where do you hail from?

From the east. The far east. Chinatown. East Chinatown.

How strange. Ive never heard of a place named East Chinatown.

Thats a shame. Youd love our Bok Choy. Try it if you ever stop by. Were always giving out discounts for first time customers.

Why do I think youre lying? she asked.

Because a man you trusted hurt you once, and youve been carrying that pain in your heart ever since?

Whats your name?

Max.

Max, I dont think I like you very much.

Oh, no! She must have sensed something was off about me.

But how???

I dont hate you because I dont feel emotions. But if I did, I would hate you SO much, Max

Heh, Good ol Libby. Always trying to lighten up a serious situation.