Chapter 26: Frenzy.

Chapter 26: Frenzy.

A vampire stood before me and declared that she was going to take my life.

Hey, that's pretty interesting, right? I don't know too many people who've experienced a moment like this! But then again, being an axe was all about being the most interesting person in the room, wasn't it?

I certainly thought so. But then again, I am biased.

Okay. Steady, Max. Steady.

Now was not the time to panic. I could definitely get myself out of this situation; it would just take a little application of my gray matter. Victory didnt always go to the strongest fighter, after all.

Being clever counts for a lot too!

Hmph! Youre interfering with my little game, child! I snarled melodramatically with a vaguely eastern European accent, as I swept my cloak behind me in an imperious manner.

"Child?" Clarity asked with a raised eyebrow.

Indeed! You must be young to the night to dare impede my plans! Were it not for your amusing ignorance, I would destroy you where you stood for your impudence!

Huh? said Clarity, as she cocked her head in puzzlement. Uhhh, what do you mean?

What do I mean? Ha! Ha! Ha! You are bold to question Duke Maximus Deacon Frost Lugosi! The butcher of Transyl-romania!

Uh, the butcher of what now? Seriously, I dont recall ever before hearing your name.

You Impudent daughter of a dog! I seethed. How dare you fail to know the name of your better!

Heeey, theres no need to call names! Clarity said in an annoyance.

I will always call a fool a fool, when they behave so foolishly! I declared. Your ignorance now offends me, Clarity! Perhaps I should devour you, like I would a virgin bride on her wedding night, which would surely be a great source of frustration to her, because she held out until she was twenty-four years old before finally getting engaged!"

"Twenty-four years?" gasped Clarity.

"Indeed! That is the average age young people get married, I think, and waiting until youre married to trade in your V-card is really difficult! But you know what? She did it anyway and now shes very proud of herself!

She should be! Thats a lot of temptation to avoid! Clarity said.

I agree!" I shouted. She didnt even do any necking! She was very careful, and always made sure to be in bed by nine! By herself, that is! But then boom! Just when all her self-discipline is about to pay off on what society has conditioned her to believe would be the happiest night of her life, here I come to suck her bloooood!

Oh, no! You must be a fiend! Clarity said with widened eyes.

Indeed, I am! Just ask passengers of the Titanic before I fired the stinger missile that sank it! The glacier was innocent! But no one will ever believe it! Im a big deal, Clarity! A big deal of evil!

I dont know what any of that meant, but are you really claiming to be a fellow child of the sunless realm? Clarity asked me.

Uh, yeah? Should I have just flat out said I was a vampire? I thought adding some poetic flourishes and bragging about my achievements would get the point across. Hey, check out my eyes! Theyre glowing red in the dark! Pretty freaky, huh? You can run away if you want, I dont mind.

Why dont you smell like one of us, then? You smell sweaty. We dont sweat.

Thats not my sweat! Its spatter from all those guys I killed. Sweat spatter.

Ewww. Thats unsanitary! Why dont you turn into mist and let that stuff dissipate?

Because Im undercover! I was doing some next-level spy shit! But now youve exposed me to the enemy, so thanks, jerk!

Clarity snorted derisively. Stop. Just stop. I can hear your heart beating, you dummy!

...What?

I said I can hear your heart beating! God, do you think youre the only one whos ever tried to pass as a vampire? Were not zombies, stupid! You cant just rub guts over your clothes and grunt your way through a mob. And can I add something else?

Yes?

Cool. That was the single worst vampire impersonation Ive ever seen. Like, absolute trash! If your acting skills were single use plastic, I wouldnt bother having them recycled! What the hell was that accent supposed to be? You looked like an absolute noodle!

Hey! I said angrily. Even if it wasnt a great idea, theres no reason to be so stuck up about it! Your words are hurtful!

In a flash, Clarity was on me. Her fist caught me under the chin in a classic uppercut that sent me flying into the air. And when I say into the air, I meant about twenty feet or so. As I plummeted back down, she followed up her strike with a beautifully delivered spinning kick that sent me smashing into one of the encircled wagons.

I bet that was more hurtful, she said smugly.

I couldnt disagree. But I did anyway, because Im prideful.

I groggily arose from the ground and wiped some blood off my chin. After brushing some woodchips and splinters out of my hair, I turned back towards her.

Are you sure? I asked. It feels like I just got slapped by an irate toddler.

This time, she backhanded me into a tree. Then she made a gesture that sent me flying back towards her, so she could backhand me again. And again. And again. After the fifth time, I realized she was playing paddle ball with me, and worst of all, she was enjoying herself.

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up! But lets see what she makes of this!

I managed to twist myself out of the way of her final strike. As the momentum carried me past her, I quickly pivoted and wrapped my legs around her waist from behind, while getting the handle of my axe tight against her throat. Then, I pulled back as hard as I could!

Then I did it again! And again! And again!

Hmmm. By this point, I would have expected to hear the sound of a neck being broken or a throat being crushed or the like. Clarity hadnt suffered either of those injuries. Instead, she stood there quietly, waiting patiently for me to stop embarrassing myself.

When I realized this short woman was now standing there, with me on her back piggyback style, like I was a tired kindergartner, it filled me with a fair bit of shame. I lowered my feet to the ground and took a step away from her.

"It is? Oh, hard pass then. Thanks for the warning."

Not a problem. Hey, you really do seem too nice to be running around committing attempted genocide, Clarity, I said. Is there any chance youll be really cool and walk away?"

Well, thank you for the compliment, but I assure you, that's not going to happen, she replied. These people still have to pay for what they did.

And what was it they did, exactly?

I already said! They hurt my master! They bound him beneath their precious temple and tortured him with sunlight and blessings! Day after day for three centuries! Can you even begin to imagine his suffering? What kind of sadistic fucks are these these animals?

"You're three hundred years old?"

"Uh huh."

"How's that work? I thought we were from the same era?"

"We probably were! But us incarnates get dropped all along this world's timeline."

Ooooh. So, wow, you really have been waiting a long time to avenge your vampire daddy. Well, I guess I can understand your grudge, now.

You guess? You guess you can understand? she asked while wearing an ominously blank expression.

Yeeeeeah. Im not big on familial obligations. I get the concept, see, but Ive never felt the urge to follow through on them? Seems like too much work. Man, holding a grudge for three hundred years? You must be one dutiful daughter.

I dont like how you say that, Max. It feels patronizing.

Does it? Shoot! I really wish I knew how to read the room better.

Maaaax.Stop antagonizing her! Vampires are very hierarchal and wont hesitate to assert themselves over their perceived inferiors.

Me? Inferior to her? Youre joking! Shes not even doing this for herself. She just wants to score brownie points with her parental substitute! It kind of smacks of daddy issues to me.

Sorry, are you addressing me? Clarity asked.

Oh, I said the quiet part out loud, didnt I? Sorry, multitasking conversations can be tricky.

youre saying I dont have your full attention? Really? How about now? Clarity asked before plunging her finger into my right eye.

You ever heard that song, The Red by Chevelle? It has that chorus where the singer screams Seeing Red again, for like five minutes. Those lyrics felt pretty ironic at the moment, because now I too was seeing red.

Well? Clarity murmured. Make a joke now. Make a joke now, I dare you.

Whats a snowmans favorite rice?

Huh?

White rice!

I kind of blanked out there for a bit after Clarity kicked me in the head. Her eyes were glowing, and her teeth were bare.

Max, STOP. Youre triggering a vampiric frenzy!

How am I doing that?

Theyre EXTREMELY egotistical creatures. The less respect you show, the more obsessed shell become with making you submit!

How long until sunrise?

What?

I asked you how long it was until sunrise?! Come on, Libby! Stay focused! Youre usually so much better than this.

Twenty minutes.

So, lets get her frenzied then! Have you noticed her henchmen have stopped attacking? If we keep her focused on me, then we can run out the clock!

II see. I understand, Max.

Cool. Unlock [Troll Regeneration] and [Dominate Minion].

Max, I dont know if you can be trusted with those right now

Libby, for Gods sake, you are killing me, right now! I mean, not literally, Claritys taking care of that part, but all this hesitation and waffling? It's just awful! Do I have a vitamin deficiency or something? Is that whats causing you to be so spastic?

Max, its justweve done so many awful things, and these people

Explain it later, Libby! Just those two skills and no others, okay?

All right. All right. Im now unlocking [Troll Regeneration] and [Dominate Minion].

Thaaaaaank yooooooou.

Pay attention to me! Clarity screamed.

Awww. She was holding me up by my throat! Once again, someone else was Vadering me!

One day, Max. One day, your time will come.

But when?