Chapter 201

Chapter 201

You dont even believe what youre saying.

Thats not important.

A dark hand swept over Carynnes hair. Funnily enough, the touch felt comforting. And then, Nancys voice began to seep into Carynnes ears, slowly but mercilessly.

Its okay, its okay.

Just accept it. Live simply. You are truly beautiful, after all.

Now go back to sleep.

Its okay.

Everything frightening is just a part of a dream.

All the sadness belongs in a book.

You are dreaming, Miss.

This world is almost like a dream to you.

Soon, you and the knight will fall in love.

And all your hardships will end.

* * *

I am me!

Mom has gone mad, Dad too! Even in death, Mom tries to control me!

Carynne, clutching a rope, ran out to the garden. She couldnt live like this. It couldnt end this way. It had been a year since she regained her memory. Until yesterday, she believed she was the protagonist in a book, insisting in her diary that she must escape to find her real self somewhere else.

A crumpled diary page from the back of a drawer brought back painful memories, but she feared they wouldnt last. If she lost her memories again, who knows how long it would be. Carynne was utterly sick of it all. She wanted to die while she still remembered who she was.

Carynne didnt believe in a life after death. It was unthinkable. But her parents incessantly believed it, claiming it was inevitable that she would die, and that erasing her memory would help. The more she expressed her resentment, the more they were convinced they needed to erase her memory. Taking drugs and listening to lullabies made her calm and obedient.

Every time Carynne recovered her memories, her rebellion grew more violent, leading to self-harm and suicide attempts. If she forgot this time, she might truly become lost to herself.

Lets die.

While Im still me.

Argh!

Carynne slipped, mud splashing everywhere. Tears streamed from her eyes.

Hiic hiic

Carynne tied the rope to a tree, forming a noose. This should do it, she thought, recalling illustrations from melodramatic novels the maids read. Even without her own identity, such memories remained. It was a relief. Carynne placed her head inside the loop.

Take that, all of you!

She never said anything about that.

I see.

How many times have you died, Miss?

Nancy asked. Carynne frowned, thinking. How many times was it?

Maybe a hundred and six?

Such a delusion Thats very specific.

Carynne sighed, looking at Nancy who still didnt believe her.

Nancy had her own kind of affection for Carynne, evident in her meticulous care. But she also harbored arrogance, the product of inferiority from her origins and the pride of being able to manipulate Carynnes mind. Thats what led her to subtly look down on her.

It wasnt pleasant, but Carynne was too tired to engage in another life-and-death struggle with a pistol. Nancy wouldnt betray her as long as she was well-compensated.

Carynne had tried to approach things this way and that, but at the end of the day, it was enough to just tolerate it and move on. Age seemed to have made her more lenient.

Haa

Carynne flopped onto her back. She rolled around in bed. What should she do first this time? She wanted to live more leisurely before Raymond arrived. Just knowing someone remembered her changed her so much. What if she couldnt succeed again next time?

Dying in Raymonds embrace, like last time, didnt seem so bad.

Miss, acting so childishly at your age?

Playing caterpillar.

Carynne wrapped herself in the blanket and retorted. Nancy gasped and then unwound the blanket Carynne had curled into.

Dont act so childishly. I didnt raise you like this.

You entered this house when I was already grown. Who exactly did you raise?

I know that my nanny was Missus Deere when I was young.

Carynne replied, and Nancy laughed awkwardly.

Remembering even that, are we?

Anyway, I wont cause trouble anymore, so dont try to brainwash me. As I said, Ill pay you more.

Alright, alright.

Nancy nodded. For her, seeing Carynne so stable, it made no sense to force brainwashing and forcefully feed her medication during her cries and screams.

Though Carynne was still talking about her delusion of coming back to life after dyingwhich Nancy couldnt believeshe was showing a stable side that Nancy hadnt seen in a long time. And with the promise of extra money, Nancy was more than willing to betray the fief lord and side with Carynne. After all, she had grown more attached to the Carynne she had cared for.

So, what are you going to do? Your birthday is coming up, Miss, and Lord Dullan will be here. You have an engagement ceremony planned.

Should she meet Dullan? Carynne felt like a lead weight had lodged in her chest. That bastard. She gritted her teeth. The biggest problem was that he couldnt even remember.