Volume 4 - CH 77.1

How to describe the impact that shocked through Subaru’s entirety the moment he heard that confession of love?

He felt the illusion of a bolt of lightning piercing him from head to toe.

Every pore of his body opened as goosebumps carpeted his skin, while the blood coursing through his veins seethed to a virulent boil. The thumping heartbeats in his chest flushed him red from the neck-up, as, roughly panting, Subaru stumbled one step backward.

He couldn’t stand there any longer.

If he kept standing there, his breaths would reach her, his fingertips would reach her.

If he didn’t get away from her now while he could still keep his instincts in check, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.

And if that happens, Subaru would be swept away by “Love”――

[Subaru: Stop……]

[Satella: I love you]

[Subaru: Please, stop……]

[Satella: I’ve always, will always, love only you]

[Subaru: I told you to stop――!!]

Shaking his head and swinging his arm, Subaru wrested his attention away from her hot, entangling gaze.

Still, Satella’s expression remained invisible to Subaru. And so, he couldn’t tell just what emotions were harbored within those eyes.

Yet the feverish pounding in his chest showed no signs of abating.

Only by consciously suppressing that feeling, desperately crying out, thrusting her with that rejection as if he was spitting out blood, could Subaru manage to preserve his fundamental self. If he didn’t maintain this effort to keep himself conscious, he was certain that his very existence would distort. And that thought terrified him to no end.

Blatantly rejecting her, flinging his open disgust, and slapping her with that truth, Subaru screamed, while Satella only stood there as before.

Her unseen expression remained behind a veil of darkness. Indiscernible. Impossible to read. And yet, somehow, Subaru could tell that Satella was being injured by those words, and was now casting down her gaze. Somewhere within his heart, was an urge to caress her hair, console her to ease her pained expression, and whisper her his love so that perhaps she might smile again.

Even as he tried to reject it, his heart was insisting that he “Loved” Satella.

[Subaru: Wh…… what are you!? What did you do to me!? Like Return by Death… did you put something in me to manipulate my heart!?]

Subaru poured all of his distrust for his disobedient heart at Satella.

Just why was his heart suddenly reacting in a way that was utterly contrary to his understanding? If this overwhelming emotion inside him was also the doing of this unnatural Witch, then that’d be simply far too horrifying.

Twisting people’s hearts to one’s will―― would be the lowest, most abhorrent act.

The first glimmer of light Natsuki Subaru ever received in this world was his “Crush” on Emilia.

Even though there was no word exchanged, no touch of warmth, no time spent together, no bond accrued, and nothing whatsoever shared between them, she was demanding “Love” from him.

What could one call this, if not heinous?

[Subaru: You, and Echidona…… you’re both insane! This…… this place is just full of incomprehensible bastards! I’m fucking sick of it!]

To the faceless Witch in front and the white-haired Witch behind him, Subaru screamed without hiding his disgust.

Satella, who sought to extort from him this baseless affection, and Echidona, who would entangle others to sate her devious curiosity, were both monsters beyond Subaru’s understanding.

[Echidona: It’s rather upsetting to be lumped together with that thing. Even though we are both technically Witches, to me, that is a vulgar creature several magnitudes below Witches. But, “Incomprehensible”, now you’re not wrong there]

[Subaru: Just shut up. You pretend to be friendly, but I haven’t forgotten how deceitful you are. ……Enough. There’s no point in me staying here. Let me out. I don’t wanna be involved with you people anymore!]

Cursing at Echidona, Subaru hugged his head and pleaded to be freed from her Dream Citadel.

He couldn’t stand another second in front of Satella and Echidona. There were enough things Subaru needed to worry about, now was not the time to be looking for more.

He wasn’t omniscient, and there was a limit to how much he could handle. Yet why do the problems keep mounting, one after another, when the obstacles were already so stacked against him?

[Subaru: I’ll never ask for any of your help again… All the problems outside, I’ll deal with them myself. ――That’s how it’s supposed to be, isn’t it!? That’s what I should’ve done from the start……]

[Minerva: And then? So it’s back to dying over and over, making heaps of people cry while telling yourself “This is information-gathering, there’s no helping it”? Heh, good for you]

Minerva crossed her arms and snorted at Subaru’s words of definite parting. Then, seeing Subaru return her a glare, Minerva’s unruffled face reddened,

[Minerva: What. Got something to say for yourself?]

[Subaru: Like it has anything to do with you. The pain, the anguish, the wounds, the abrasions because of Return by Death, all that’s got to do with is me! What right do you have to complain about it!?]

[Minerva: It’s easy for you to say that you’re ready for the pain, the suffering, and the anguish. Who cares about the feelings of those who have to watch you spew blood while your flesh gets flayed and your bones get crushed? You can always use the excuse that you’re the one who’s suffering the most]

[Subaru: What……!?]

[Minerva: Just because you’re taking on the most obvious, most visible wounds, you think the ones who receive lighter wounds as the results of your actions have no right to say anything. After all, you’re the one who’s hurting the most. Suffering the most. Enduring the most…… And so, naturally, the others around you should just shut up with their snivelling, right?]

Perhaps because of the rage building up as she spoke, Minerva’s tone intensified as Subaru bared his teeth. There was just no way Subaru could let those merciless words go unanswered.

[Subaru: You! You think I’m getting drunk on my own tragedy just so that I can shut everyone else up!? That this dead-end road I’m walking is just a fucking act!?]

[Minerva: No, that’s not what I’m saying. All I’m telling you is that thinking “It’s alright as long as I’m hurting more than anyone else” is cowardly. I’m not a fan of Echidona’s devious methods, and I can’t for the life of me understand how roundabout Satella is…… but I think the way you twist things is way more sickening than us Witches]

[Subaru: ――――]

[Minerva: Above all, while I beat everything in order to heal them, the way you live is not only the opposite, but the antithesis of what I do. ――Isn’t that just way too ungrateful for what she’s doing for you?]

Holding out her small fist at Subaru, Minerva huffed out those words. Adding that quiet whisper at the end, she turned her blue eyes towards Satella.

Still standing there as before, Satella had stayed silent ever since Subaru showered her with his abuses, and made no indication of affirming or denying those words. Seeing this, Minerva narrowed her eyes, somewhat sadly.

But Subaru couldn’t care less about their sentimentality at this point.

[Subaru: Sickening…… ungrateful……?]

Catching Minerva’s last few words, with his face downcast, Subaru’s shoulders slightly trembled. The tremble grew larger, and, when Subaru lifted his face again, he was smiling.

It was far too ludicrous, how could he help but laugh?

[Subaru: The hell is that. Sickening or whatever… and just why do you think I chose to be like this? How did you think I got to this so-called twisted way of thinking? Whether it’s my methods or my mindset… isn’t that just the natural consequence of the fucking hand I was dealt!? ――Isn’t it!?]

[Satella: ――――]

[Subaru: And it was you! YOU! You were the reason I became like this!!]

Shrieking, Subaru threw all his rage at Satella, who had kept her silence up to now as if to escape her culpability.