Volume 4, CHAPTER 115: YOU ARE NEVER A MATCH FOR THE GIRL FROM YOUR YOUTH

Volume 4, CHAPTER 115: YOU ARE NEVER A MATCH FOR THE GIRL FROM YOUR YOUTH

He feels something precious shedding away inside him.

The sensation is unlike that of his gate, whose existence has reached finality. Something entirely separate, different, squirms within Subaru.

Was it hot? Cold? The fever it carried gave indication of neither. Was it with shape? Without? Its nebulousness indicated not even that.

The dingy muck had coursed through Natsuki Subaru, cheering in joy for its release outside, to demonstrate its power and disperse.

But its vestiges remained fluctuating through Subaru even now.

The abnormal sensation gave Subaru an indescribable feeling. This was not something he recognized, or something he had felt before. But he did possess both knowledge and understanding about it.

So while he does question WHY? and HOW?, he does not question WHAT? or WHAT FOR?

He did not need to ruminate over the identity of this thing. He would be best off to question WHY, but presently his query would not reach anyone who could answer.

Meaning that Subaru has only one thing to consider.

INVISIBLE STRIKE, UNSEEN PALM, UNNOTICEABLE BLOW.

All of them sound either lame or rehashed, lacking in style.

A black hand which only Subaru could see.

What only Subaru could control, which was—

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

Subaru: “THE IMPERCEPTIBLE WILL OF THE GODS... We'll call it Invisible Providence...”

???: “...Huh? What did you say?”

Squinting open his eyes with his consciousness still fuzzy, a fragment of his thoughts slips out his mouth.

That instant, the silver-haired visage immediately in front of him opens its eyes wide.

After several blinks, Subaru recognizes that he has returned from the world of unconsciousness into reality. He notices the connection between the soft sensation beneath his head and Emilia's proximity.

Subaru: “Oh. I'm getting a lap pillow from Emilia-tan again.”

Emilia: “You are. What's the count now? For me lending you my lap when you're unconscious.”

Subaru: “Take some conditions into account and maybe three. Have to win a big bout to reach this paradise.”

Emilia: “Y-you're sooo not drowsy at all... do you remember what happened before you fainted?”

Subaru: “Yeah and clearly. I'll reminisce on it nice and slow, while we chat and I gaze at your face...”

Subaru jokes around while he pushes aside the thoughts in his weighty head and gets his ideas into order. He then remembers the shower of furious blows he sustained before fainting, and comprehends.

He immediately puts his hands to his face, kneading his cheeks as he looks up at Emilia.

Subaru: “Crap. Actually I think I got beat up pretty bad. Emilia-tan, am I okay? My face isn't so messed up it's unlookable?”

Emilia: “Don't worry. It doesn't look that weird.”

Subaru: “And spoken without any malevolence!”

Emilia tilts her head in mystification. Subaru removes his hands from his cheeks and promptly checks that his joints are all okay. A faint numbness hangs around his shoulders, lower body, and neck region. But most of his wounds are sealed, apparently post-healing.

Emilia: “Subaru, it tickles if you move around on my lap too much.”

Subaru: “Ah, sorry. No! I wasn't trying anything dirty with that! I mean I wasn't but, how about I double check just to be sure?”

Emilia: “Don't. I'm going to shove you off my lap if you keep saying this stuff. Stop being so saucy.”

Subaru: “Who says saucy any more?”

After responding to Emilia's harsh gaze with a wry smile, Subaru uprights himself from her lap. While it does hurt to part with it, he can't impose forever.

His physical status, compared to his top form, is sitting at about 60%. Definitely not perfect, but he's thankful for Emilia's healing.

Subaru: “Thanks for healing me. You managed to heal without Puck?”

Emilia: “My contract with Puck might be broken, but my contract with the minor spirits isn't. And...

I don't know how this will sound, but it's not like I can't use magic.”

Subaru: “Really? My knowledge was magicians and spiritualists have different structures in how they handle mana... that you can't have both.”

Lessons learned in the mansion from Puck and Roswaal.

Magicians can only use magic proportionate to their internal store of mana, while spiritualists must establish communication with a spirit so that they can utilize the inexhaustible ambient supply. That's the entire extent of how Emilia's ability to use magic vaguely diverts from Subaru's knowledge.

Emilia lowers her gaze.

Subaru's brows furrow at her strange reaction. She gives a small sigh.

Emilia: “I didn't think I could either... but, I did mention that my memories are coming back. Part of them was knowledge about how to just use magic... which I think got sealed as well.”

Subaru: “Your memories sealed your ability to use magic?”

Emilia: “Yes.”

She nods. Her failure to articulate is probably because she cannot tell what this all signifies. Subaru does not understand why her ability to use magic was sealed in the recesses of her memory either. And his present information load is looking too sparse for speculation.

Either way, she used her newly-usable magics to heal Subaru.

Subaru: “Nevermind the circumstances, if it meant you were able to heal me, it's a huge help. How is everyone...”

else, is how he intends to continue, when he realises that this is not the time for him to be relaxing. He should have recognized this fact the moment that he remembered why he fell unconscious. Subaru's opponent Garfiel, and Otto and Ram who apparently opposed said Garfiel. Are they safe?

Subaru: “Don't think the situation's too risky, but I'm gonna go before they end up as forest fertilizer and help—”

???: “I appreciate that you're worried about me, but I would manage well without having to hear your imaginings about these worst-case scenarios.”

Subaru: “Huh?”

Animating his wavering body to stand, Subaru moves to start running away from the tomb and into the forest. When the astonished voice of a young man stops him. He careens to a halt and glances behind him, to see someone sitting on the tomb's stone steps—Otto Swein, with his hand raised.

Subaru: “Aaah, aaah!?”

Otto: “How glad I am to see your surprise. I apologize for worrying you, but seeing as the worries

go both ways we'll agree not to mention it, and...

Subaru: “Hi-yah!”

Otto: “Eewhauhg!?”

Having confirmed their mutual safety, a rather satisfied smile arises on Otto's face—when Subaru charges. He rides the momentum as he leaps to acquaint Otto with a flying kick.

Stuck between the stairs and Subaru, Otto cries out.

Otto: “Ow! Ouch! Stairs are, grinding my head—ow! M-my hair! I'm going bald! Wh-Natsuki-san, what on earth are you doing!?”

Subaru: “Shut it, stupid! Stop trying to be cool. What's going on with this vibe where it's like you did something big? Who told you to do anything more than buy time? You know how close my plans were to winding up par for course because of this? But if you hadn't helped I don't think I would've beat Garfiel so I can't say I don't thank you!”

Otto: “I have no idea what you're even saying any more!!”

Unable to give a sincere thanks, Subaru scuffles with Otto on the stairs while he speaks, when Otto kicks him away. Subaru rolls down the steps to land on his backside before standing up.

Subaru: “Either way, glad you're safe. If you died you'd make for an annoying visitant bedside.”

Otto: “I'd rather we leave these eccentric customs undiscussed. ...Or actually, why didn't those sentiments of yours show up nicely and at the start?”

Subaru: “Don't slather on too much praise, we're talking me here!”

Otto: “I am aware of that, yes!”

Otto puts his hand to his brow, before noticing that Emilia has been quietly watching their exchange.

Otto: “Ah, Emilia-sama. I apologize for excluding you. Though it's all Natsuki-san's fault.”

Emilia: “Mm, I was watching so I know. Don't worry.”

Subaru: “No friends in sight... No, I mean I'm drowning in friends and that's why I'm in this situation. —Anyway, you being safe means that Ram's okay too?”

Emilia and Otto look at each other and nod. Subaru sticks his tongue out at them before inquiring as to the safety of their unseen and final collaborator. Otto nods.

Otto: “Being what her condition was after I woke up and found her, I have to say I was chilled.

...Fortunately her situation wasn't as horrendous as it looked. Although, she awoke while I was carrying her to reconvene, and did speak some rather potent venom...”

Subaru: “Sympathies. She seriously is harsh-tongued with people outside her circle. ...It's impressive you managed to talk her into this. How'd you do it?”

Otto: “One of the terms for securing her cooperation would be that I do not tell you that.”

Ram: “Garf.”

Garfiel: “...”

Ram: “I'm going to give you a word of advice. Listen well.”

Garfiel: “...Yeah.”

Still looking down, Garfiel gives a nod.

What words would Ram, his crush, shower upon him? Her usual statements were harsh, but she had probably never truly washed her hands of him.

Ram's personality was one where she was soft to people inside her circle. And although their relationship was not without its faults, she and Garfiel had known each other for a long time, and she considered him as part of that count.

But now her hostility was clear. He probably was not included in that category any more.

Her imminent announcement would be Ram's parting with Garfiel in earnest, and—

Ram: “Garf, you're stupid so thinking is utterly pointless. A waste of time. Otherwise said, a waste of life.”

Garfiel: “...eh?”

Ram: “You're who said it. Garf, you dodged my magic when you acted without thinking anything. And that is exactly the case. You may not have noticed it, but when you are thinking nothing you are considerably stronger in fights. When you're being a barefaced idiot, considerably.”

Unable to comprehend what he is hearing, Garfiel's eyes widen.

While he had expected her to find him useless, her statements are aiming somewhere entirely unanticipated.

Ram: “I don't mean for you to abandon all rationality and transform. In fact I will mention that your transformation makes you even weaker than when you are thinking. You become a bigger target, and your weapons are slow. Stay in human form, focus on your opponent, and fight without thinking.”

Garfiel: “Th-th'hell's this!? Since when was this th'topic'v....”

Ram: “This is important. —Because now you're going to fight on many occasions as an ally to me and Emilia-sama.”

Garfiel: “—!!”

Emotion clogs Garfiel's throat.

His face flashes red, his sharp fangs clicking as he speaks.

Garfiel: “Fuck off! Y'fuckin' piss 'round with me, be enemies, crush my ideas... n'yer still forgivin' me, n'tellin' me t'forgive you!?”

Ram: “Don't be an idiot. I don't forgive you and so I'm demanding you serve us. If we forgive you and our standings become equal, we'll need to make requests to gain your cooperation. Foolishness. We are the victors and you are the loser. I don't forgive you and so I am ordering you. Understand?”

Garfiel: “'S fuckin' nuts!”

Garfiel bares his fangs as he stands up.

His body sways for an instant, but with how most all of his wounds have been healed, it isn't a problem. Healed. The moment he reaches that thought, even more shame claws at his heart.

Garfiel: “I accept I lost! Cause I did! But that ain't th'same deal as whether 'm gonna back down! I lost, yer got me, understood! But my amazin' self's still alive 'n kickin'! 'F yer really gonner move things along without askin' me, then what yer shoullder done was kill me! Second you ain't doin' that 's the exact second yer cowardice's th'same 's mine!”

Ram: “Cart before horse. If we let you die when we need your strength, that contradicts our goals.”

Garfiel: “...But I!!”

Ram: “Incessant snivelling!”

Before Garfiel can roar in anger, Ram gets to her feet and howls.

Her cerise eyes host fury as she glares at Garfiel.

It's menacing. Overwhelmed, Garfiel winds up shutting his mouth.

Ram: “You lost. You have lost. Then act like the loser you are and heed the commands of the victor. How wretched must you be in presence of a woman you like, flaunting your inane and girlish temperament as a sore loser, before you will be satisfied, Garf? Your flagellation of others becomes flagellation of yourself the moment that you lose, all you have changed is the aim of your braying, idiotic.”

Garfiel: “Uawh.. ah,”

Her statements are spot-on. Garfiel cannot manage a single word.

Before the fight, he had imposed certain issues onto other people. Now that he's lost, he's imposing his own weakness. It proves that nothing has changed about his wretchedness as he yells at whatever he thinks is weak.

He stopped yelling about the outside which he thought weak, and started yelling about his own self who he had to acknowledge as weak.

Garfiel: “But what'm I meant t'do!? Go laughin' like a stupid idiot n' stand'n line with yer entourage!? I can't do that! I'm acceptin' I lost... but that don't mean I'm acceptin' yer words 's bein' right!”

Not a dodge, but Garfiel's true thoughts.

He acknowledges his loss. His opponents being numerous is a topic irrelevant to discussion. If he starts expounding why he lost, he would never end.

The problem is that nothing has sprouted in the depths of Garfiel's heart to instil him firm conviction in Subaru's claims.

Ultimately, the ideas he has obsessed over all until this point remain unchanged, and even should someone demand that he fight alongside them, he cannot simply nod in assent.

Garfiel: “What'm I meant t'do, with this, half-way situation...”

Ram: “If you don't want to be stuck at a halfway, then all you need to do is prove that you're moving.”

Garfiel: “...What?”

His breathing still ragged, Garfiel looks at Ram.

Her expression has regained its usual composure as she looks Garfiel straight in the eye.

In her eyes he sees the reflection of his own feeble face.

He would rather look away, but Ram's gaze does not permit him to.

Ram: “I don't know what Barusu said, but I can imagine it. And so, Garf... you should confirm it for yourself.”

Garfiel: “Confirm it, myself... confirm what?”

Ram: “Whether you're capable of changing, or whether you're still a petrified, whimpering child.”

Garfiel finally recognizes what she is telling him.

The instant he comprehends it, his heartbeat assaults him, thumping at an unprecedented speed.

Cold sweat streams down his back, sticking to him, spreading inside him.

His pulse grows wild, a ringing reverberating endlessly in his skull.

This is his trauma, with its barbed chains constricting his heart, great enough to bring these abnormalities all across his body.

He feels a chill, looks behind him. The tomb looms there as ever.

—Confirm. Something, in there.

Even supposing he went in, what could he confirm?

What new answer was Ram expecting him to find there?

Nothing would change. Nothing could change.

But why, even knowing this, was he failing to assert I WON'T GO, and instead wavering between I

WILL and I WON'T?

Garfiel: “...What'll I learn by going in?”

He's getting hooked into it. Utterly.

He didn't think anything would change, but he also desired to confirm it.

He stiffens in terror, his heart wailing in rejection, but his soul howling.

He wanted to confirm. He needed to confirm.

Confirm whether the bloody shrieks of the boy blocking his path, whether the assertions of Natsuki Subaru, were correct.

Confirm whether everything he had lived thus far had been mistaken.

Ram: “You look resolved.”

The chattering of his teeth, and the unrest of his heart, have calmed.

All signs of his cold sweat are gone. Garfiel wordlessly turns to face Ram.

Garfiel couldn't tell what she was expecting of him, with her stern words of encouragement. And perhaps the question of whether or not Garfiel would ally with them was not where Ram's focus lay.

They've known each other for a long time. There's some things he just understands.

What Ram seeks is not exactly for Garfiel to join them.

She seeks that Garfiel will reach a conclusion on how to live his life. Everything else is secondary.

She's a good lady, someone to be thankful for, thinks Garfiel.

Ram: “Don't worry, Garf.”

Perhaps unsettled by Garfiel's silence, a rare warmth peeks through in Ram's tone. She gives Garfiel's bare shoulders a light tap.

Ram: “If anything frightening enough happens that you cry, I'll comfort you. —Our relationship goes back a long way, after all.”