Arc 6 – 38, 'Who Are You”

Arc 6 – Chapter 38, “Who Are You”

Subaru gazes around the room, not knowing what had happened to him. He could not comprehend the situation.

[Subaru: ..............................]

It was the room that he had gotten so used to seeing now. The walls and the floors are covered in ivy, even the bed he had woken up in was woven with ivy.

In front of him stood two girls – a beautiful lady and a beautiful little girl – both are craning their necks to look at him. A huge lizard was kneeling down beside his bed. On the other bed within the room, a girl with blue hair and closed eyes is lying there. There was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary; this was the green room of the Pleiades watchtower.

[Subaru: This again... why am I here?]

Subaru doesn’t know if he had even woken up.

With his hands on his head, Subaru recalls what had happened just before. They had talked about challenging the second floor trial whilst he had tried to confirm whether he possessed any special abilities. After all of that, Subaru had walked through the tower to join with Emilia and the others after he had confirmed that he didn’t possess any abilities –

[Subaru: Errr? What happened after that?]

His memory of what had happened afterwards was unclear. He had woken up on this bed all of a sudden, that impression had been strong. And, whilst he fumbled to straighten his mind, a voice broke his train of thought,

[Emilia: Hey, Subaru, are you feeling okay?]

[Subaru: Uhh-aaah! Emilia-chan, you’re so close!]

Emilia’s beautiful face had suddenly popped up right next to his; she was so close to him that he could feel her breath against his face. In seeing her amethyst coloured eyes, bordered by long eyelashes, approaching out of nowhere, Subaru scoots back to the opposite side of his bed.

Emilia’s eyes widened in surprise at his overreaction.

[Emilia: You don’t have to look so scared... Besides, it was me who had been scared earlier...]

[Subaru: Scared...?]

[Beatrice: Certainly. We thought that you had disappeared. We searched for you and found you collapsed, I suppose. It would be improper to not be worried.]

[Subaru: Seriously? I collapsed again?]

Beatrice crossed her arms and snorted in exasperation. Subaru was caught by surprise by her words – he stood up and patted his body to make sure it was okay. He couldn’t feel any abnormalities.

Though it was dubious whether he would notice any differences considering his amnesia, there were no obvious signs of trauma.

[Subaru: Still, it’s pretty dangerous to collapse twice in such a short time... although it has only been a couple of hours, should I feel lucky that my memories weren’t blown away again?]

[Beatrice: What are you grumbling about... Subaru should have something to say to Betty and Emilia, I suppose.]

[Subaru: Something to say...?]

Beatrice threw these words at him as he was staring at his outstretched arms. Subaru turned around to see both Emilia and Beatrice staring at him. He was a little bit worried about what would he have to tell these two individuals.

[Subaru: Well, I’m sorry. I apologise for worrying you all. You both saved me again.]

[Beatrice: You’re doing fine so far.]

[Emilia: Heh, you are most welcome. But, I am quite glad that nothing happened to you. I’m so relieved.]

[Subaru: Ah, yes. I’m sorry to Emilia-chan, it’s inexcusable for me to cause you so much trouble all the time.]

Raising his hand in apology, Subaru expresses his gratitude towards Emilia. However, when Emilia heard Subaru’s words, she furrowed her eyebrows. Her amethyst eyes looked positively bewildered.

[Emilia: Well, would, wait... Subaru, what happened just then?]

[Subaru: What happened... that’s a vague question. What’s the issue?]

[Emilia: Well, just now you called me Emilia-chan. Somehow, being called that makes me feel a little bit uneasy.]

While saying this, Emilia starts to fiddle with her long silver hair as she looks at Subaru. Her gaze seemed to be filled with loneliness, Subaru involuntarily let out a yelp. Open and friendly, her appearance had struck Subaru’s taste. However, in regards to her current attitude, Subaru felt like there was a deep gap opening between them.

[Beatrice: Subaru’s pranks are starting up now, I suppose. More importantly...]

Beatrice’s mood was starting to get worse after hearing the exchange of those two. Shaking, the drill-loli snapped her fingers at Subaru. And, with her face turning a deep shade of red, she said:

[Beatrice: I want you to tell Betty and Emilia now. Why did you go to the『Taygeta』library last night, I suppose? Why did you collapse there?]

[Subaru: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait, what, I collapsed again in Taygeta?]

[Beatrice: Again?]

[Subaru: Seriously, Taygeta is such a dreadful place... I don’t know what I was doing there again. After all, it’s a place with such a shady history, it was reckless of me, I guess.]

Subaru had been told of an incident which his own memory did not recall; he is bewildered by this fact and starts to feel a little bit unsettled. For sure, he could not recall anything before and after he had slipped out of consciousness. Still, there should be no reason for him to have visited Taygeta again. Rather, it’s more likely that someone must have found him collapsed elsewhere in the tower and brought him to Taygeta. Though, he doesn’t see what the point of that would be.

[Beatrice: Wait, I suppose. Subaru.]

Subaru had induced confusion within Beatrice who was waiting for his explanation.

[Subaru: Yeah?]

[Beatrice: Somehow, I think your story is incorrect. Subaru, tell us the story accurately, I suppose.]

[Subaru: Accurately...? What do you mean?]

[Beatrice: Now, Betty will tell you the situation she and the others are in.]

Patiently, Beatrice slowly spelled this out to Subaru. He nods his head as he senses the intimidation in her tone as she speaks those heavy words. And, whilst Emilia looked at him with a worried expression on her face, Subaru strained his memory in thought.

[Subaru: Well, I think I told you... when I woke up I had no memories. Though it doesn’t mean that they are completely empty. My memories since being summoned to this parallel world are...]

[Beatrice: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!? Memories? What do you mean by memories, I suppose!?]

[Subaru: Huh?]

Beatrice’s usually dignified manner was abruptly shattered as Subaru had begun his explanation. He was surprised by her unexpected reaction. Emilia had placed her hand on the panicked Beatrice’s shoulder to steady her. But Emilia is also not calm. She was also looking at Subaru in astonishment.

[Emilia: Subaru, I am sorry, I don’t know what to say...]

[Subaru: No, I’d feel bothered if stop here, I have you two here...]

– He was supposed to know what to say next, he tried to continue, but his words trailed off.

[“........................”]

Both Emilia and Beatrice looked at Subaru with sheer bewilderment in their eyes. It was plain to him that they were not acting. And because he thinks they are not acting, that makes it all the more terrifying to him.

Why were they forgetting about when he had told them about his amnesia? Surely, the tower hadn’t sucked up the memories of those other than Subaru. The thought of everyone’s memories being partially absorbed by this terrible tower was not very appealing to the imagination –

Then, Subaru notices it.

[Subaru: When I woke up, those two were talking to each other...]

Besides, he may have remembered something. No, not may have. He had definitely remembered something. The first time he had met Emilia and Beatrice, when he was told he had lost his memories... the conversation had sounded exactly like the one now.

To put it more plainly, waking up in the Green Room, laying on the ivy bed, was that not a carbon copy of the situation earlier when he was told he had lost his memories?

[Subaru: .....................]

Thinking about this, Subaru gulps loudly. If you look at Emilia and Beatrice, both of their behaviours had not changed. However it is not from distrust that they are glancing at Subaru in sheer bewilderment, rather it’s from concern in their heart towards “Subaru”. The fact that there was no deception in their gazes made Subaru feel much more calm at heart.

In all honesty, Subaru’s heart had been undulating under great turmoil. But, having made this guess at the current situation –

[Subaru: I am seeing the same events again. I must be experiencing precognitive dreams.]

Given his situation when he woke up, is it not reasonable to think this? If so, when he had lost consciousness, should he rather say that he had woke up? In that moment just before he woke up his memories had been incredibly hazy. Maybe even if he had tried to hold in these dreams, they would spill into him from in between his fingers. Or maybe these precognitive dreams are a special ability Subaru was given when summoned into this world –

[Subaru: It’s difficult to make use of – it’s a pretty selective ability...]

However, there’s no doubt that if he could master it, then it would be quite a potent ability. In the end, a precognitive dream would let him foresee the future. The longer it would show him the truth for, the greater chance of finding a clue to overcome the situation. Unfortunately, he does not think that he got much useful information out of the precognitive dream –

[Subaru: – you two, I need you to calm down just a little and hear what I have to say.]

Sitting up straight, Subaru now had an understanding of the ability he possessed. He turned towards them and poises himself to speak. Emilia and Beatrice both look at Subaru and nod, with serious expressions on their faces. Looking towards them, Subaru said with a slight hint of hesitation:

[Subaru: I don’t know if you can believe this, but I seem to have lost my memories.]

※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※

– Subaru had awakened at the Taygeta Library and lost his memories.

It took as much time as it had in the precognitive dream for Emilia and Beatrice to digest what he had confessed.

[Emilia: Aieee!]

With a spirited cry, the girl slammed her palms onto her own cheeks with all her strength. Clapping down with both hands at once with a crisp sound ringing out, the girl’s cheeks turned bright red.

It was a brave, almost manly way of accepting it – something he had also seen in his precognitive dream.

[Emilia: I’m fine. Being like that is no-good, is it? How could we keep making that troubled face when Subaru must be feeling even more troubled than we are... look, Beatrice too!]

Having justified her sudden reaction with a speech, Emilia shook Beatrice’s shoulder. In front of Emilia’s presence, Beatrice shrivelled back a bit,

[Emilia: I’m shocked too, and I also understand the sadness... but right now, we have to think about the one who’s taking this the hardest. We have to do something for him, don’t we?]

[Beatrice: Be- Betty is...]

[Beatrice: .....................] 1

Subaru fights back a pang in his chest as he watches Beatrice struggle to get her words out. Subaru knows exactly what Beatrice will say, and what sort of face she will make. But he was quite wrong in thinking that it would bring him some peace of mind.

Having to betray someone’s feeling of hopes is tough, rather it’s terrifying. No matter how many times he has to do it, regardless whether it’s the same problem for the second time, it’s all the same. And now, Subaru knows Beatrice much better than the first time he met her. That is why Subaru was tougher than he had been the first time.

[Beatrice: aaaauuggghhh, just, really! Subaru is just the most hopeless Contractor in the world!]

With that said, Beatrice broke through her embarrassment – the pattern of the butterfly wings that adorned her irises started to flutter in her eyes. While he relived that, Subaru felt a strong sense of self-hatred.

...Was this right. Was he satisfied with this? Yeah, Natsuki Subaru... What is trust in this tower in the desert?

[“.......................................”]

To be kind to Emilia and Beatrice, but also to see their heartache and their gritted determination; to that Subaru grinds his teeth together.

Subaru had not confided to them that he was able to experience precognitive dreams. After waking up and interacting with them and using their names, it meant that not all of his memories had fallen out of him. In fact, besides his memory loss of course, Subaru’s report had also been about the allocation of his missing memories. He couldn’t afford to doubt the two people with him, and furthermore, Subaru himself didn’t want to engage in any unproductive conversation.

Above all else, he wanted to figure out how far his precognitive dreams would show the truth for. For this reason, he does not want to create a situation which would deviate from what his precognitive dream had shown him. Although some changes had occurred at the start, they were not anything too big.

However, this was not the only reason that he did not mention his precognitive dreams.

[Subaru: ..............................]

Neither Emilia, Beatrice, Ram, Julius, Echidna nor even anyone had explained to Subaru that he had this『Precognitive Dreams』ability. Shaula and Meili also hadn’t. It’s difficult to imagine that they intentionally hid it from Subaru. Even under the prior circumstances it’s difficult to believe that they all had the same intention; it made no sense.

Then it was inevitable that there was only one reason why they wouldn’t know of his『Precognitive Dreams』– that is, Natsuki Subaru had never revealed to them his ability.

[Subaru: ... what were you thinking, Natsuki Subaru.]

Subaru calls his name out no longer as if he was referring to a different person... No, saying no longer as if he was referring to a different person is wrong. It is a different person.

To Subaru, “Natsuki Subaru” is an unknown person who doesn’t exist. He can’t guess what he is thinking and he can’t interact with him. There would be no chance of getting to understand him.

Why did “Subaru” not tell Emilia about his power?

Was it because he didn’t want to change the development of these precognitive dreams as much as possible? Even if it was due to that, surely once the situation had been overcome there would have been time to confide this? Was there a reason why he couldn’t say it?

A distrust of the old “Subaru” was steadily growing within him.

[Subaru: You are...]

Looking back to what his past self had done, Subaru had finally decided that he would tell them about his precognitive dreams. Nonetheless, what was coming up ahead was an unknown to him. After the point at which Beatrice had left, his memories including those of having performed the transformation poses were quite fuzzy. Therefore, showing proof that he could experience precognitive dreams would be quite difficult to do. In addition he didn’t know how to activate them. He would need them to cooperate with him when he tries to explain his ability.

If he could master his dreams, it would become an extremely powerful weapon at his disposal. Or perhaps it was a necessary weapon that would allow them to conquer the Pleiades Watchtower. With these thoughts in mind –

[?: – As for Natsuki-kun, is it not dangerous for him to accompany us in the crazed state he’s in right now?]

[*In the distance*: ...........................]

Having arrived in front of the hall, in an attempt to join everyone, Subaru held his breath at hearing those words.

The voice he had heard was Echidna’s. For some reason in in his mind, Subaru had hesitated to announce his presence, and had decided to hide behind the wall. The conversation in the hall continued.

[Emilia: Echidna, what do you mean by crazed state?]

[Echidna: There’s nothing else to say right? Considering the state he’s in right now, it’s certain he has lost his memories. However what he said afterwards was truly crazed. The way he explained the term “Parallel World” is proof.]

[Emilia: Parallel... world...]

[Julius: You don’t truly believe he came from beyond the Great Waterfall?]

Julius and Emilia seemed shocked at hearing Echidna’s words. Subaru’s heart lurched, what did Echidna’s remarks mean now? He wanted to jump out from his hiding spot and ask her, but for now he would suppress that emotion. Even if Subaru doesn’t ask, surely someone else would –

[Ram: It was certainly an absurd explanation.]

[Emilia: Ram..., do you doubt what Subaru said?]

Emilia reacts in surprise at Ram’s cold, indifferent tone. In response to her question, Ram says: “Emilia-sama”

[Ram: Ram does not doubt that Barusu’s argument came from within his head. Indeed, Barusu’s knowledge, behaviour and strange customs are things which are unknown to us. It is clear that he may indeed come from a place which none of us here know about.]

[Emilia: Well, in that case–]

[Ram: But, where he came from, it’s limited to this world. I am sure being from beyond the Great Waterfall could be tailored to mean Barusu’s term: “Parallel World”, but I can’t believe the existence of such a place... there is no reason to believe him at all.]4

[Emilia: Ram...]

Emilia’s voice faintly trailed away as she heard Ram’s bitter explanation. She had tried to reply but her voice had choked.

[Emilia: I believe in Subaru, Beatrice too, so, please, please, try to believe what Subaru said.]

[Julius: ... Emilia-sama, Echidna is not suggesting that Subaru is trying to deceive us on purpose. She is just saying that he’s in a terrible state of confusion.]

[Beatrice: In that statement, you still agree with that spirit, I suppose!?]

Julius tries to rationally explain their thoughts to Emilia. However, Beatrice was having none of it, as she was intent on remaining on Subaru’s side in this matter. Her temper had flared considerably. At that moment, an unnerving silence had fallen within the room; Subaru’s forehead had started to sweat.

[Shaula: Heeeey, it’s best if you all quit fighting and settle dooown.]

[Meili: I don’t think it’s quite a discussion on that scale yet... but, what she said...]

Hearing the voices of Shaula and Meili it seemed now that they had moved from their roles as bystanders. Laughing rather superciliously for a short while, Meili continued her speech with: “Going crazy,”

[Meili: Why don’t you ask Onii-san directly? Onii-san, are you going crazy?]

[Subaru: ..................tch]

Subaru gritted his teeth to those venomous words. He had remained surprisingly calm when he had stood against the wall; he carefully left the room without making any footsteps.

[“......................................”]

After putting some distance between them, his prudent footsteps quickened in pace, which then turned into a run. Then, arriving at a passageway where no one was present, he pressed his forehead against the wall.

[Subaru Damn it...]

Not knowing what he should say to whom, Subaru struck the wall, letting out the feelings that were smouldering inside him. The discussion that had taken place in Subaru’s absence was an unexpected shock to him. He wasn’t conceited enough to think that he had gained their full confidence. Rather, what he’d heard them say didn’t fit into that type of thought at all.

Subaru had thought that trust was such a basic principle. Emilia and Beatrice had been too kind and thoughtful towards Subaru. Whilst insisting to himself that it had felt far too uncomfortable, he had tricked himself into believing that it was true. There was no doubt that being from a different place would have helped them conquer from the tower.

With the handicap of losing his memories and his calm and collected thoughts, he had lost all his usefulness. Looking at it objectively, he realized just how shameless he was. What was trust in this tower in the desert? He himself couldn’t understand it much. He wondered if he could ever handle what “Natsuki Subaru” had gained.

[Subaru: In this state, it’s no use telling them about my precognitive dreams.]

The fact that they believed in his memory loss was proof of these people’s virtue. At the same time however, they were sensible people who did not believe in a “Different World”. Therefore, he didn’t even have to think about what response an explanation of his precognitive dreams would provoke.

[Subaru: From the start, I mistook them...]

Messed up, he had messed up.

In the meanwhile, Subaru would show why he was dependable. He would overturn their evaluations of him. What was sought now, what was needed now was “Natsuki Subaru”. Not Natsuki Subaru.

Was it alright if he feigned ignorance and went back down to them? Also, in a state which he didn’t know what kind of exchange had taken place, would it be okay if he shamelessly joined the capture of the second floor? Or would he, Emilia and Beatrice be pushed aside and left behind? At the very least, he wished that the conversation had not troubled Shaula or Meili.

[Subaru: ...Fuck, I’m such an idiot.]

Whilst saying those words out loud, Subaru abruptly came out of the passageway he was walking through. He had come across the great spiral staircase which connected the fourth floor to the floors below – a gaping hole stretched out from the middle of the watchtower to its lower half. It was truly colossal.

[Subaru: Spiral, staircase...]

Suddenly, laying his eyes on that scene, Subaru started to ponder. Including his dreams, this is his second time he had come here. Whether it was a dream or reality, Emilia and everyone else had guided the amnesiac Subaru around the tower. So, recognizing this place was not a mistake, but―

[Subaru: No, apart than that, I sense something strange...]

Goosebumps coursed down his body, he felt the hairs on his back stand on end. The blood in his whole body felt cold, and the ringing in his ears was awfully loud. His heartbeat had accelerated, his breathing became rough and his knees began trembling for whatever reason. His teeth had begun making an uncontrollable chattering noise. Subaru became aware of these abnormalities.

However, they were not caused due to any changes in temperature or any external causes. This abnormality, this unusual phenomenon, had been caused by Subaru’s own body. To say more about it, the influence on his body was as if it was Subaru’s spirit or something from a deeper place –

[Subaru: – ah.]

With a faint tap, Subaru felt a slight impact just as he was stepping forward.

―No, it couldn’t be said that he stepped forward.

To step forward is a term which presumes there is some solid ground which can be stepped on.

Stepping ahead, his leg had come out.

And his foot had scratched the air.

And so he,

[Subaru: A

A

A

A

A

A

A

A

A

A

-!?]

Falling, falling— he was plummeting.

His whole body was overwhelmed by a feeling of weightlessness; he was falling down mid-air, losing sight of what was up or down. A tremendous gust of wind was hitting his eardrums. Subaru understood what was happening. He was falling.

No, there had been a light impact back then. But, that didn’t necessarily indicate that he’d fallen.

He’d been pushed dow-

[Subaru: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA –!!”]

Screaming his lungs out, Subaru desperately stretched out his hands— searching for somewhere, anywhere to hold on to. There was nothing. There was nowhere he could hold on to. The world around him was spinning around into the unknown.

A desperate feeling of wanting to vomit overpowers him as all the contents of his body are pulled from bottom to top. Chunks of yellow vomit overflows from his mouth, spilling out right into the air around him.

This sensation... he remembered it. In the midst of his pain and vomiting, the memories that had once been ambiguous had suddenly sharpened.

Yes, yes, that was it. Before he had woken up, the end of his precognitive dream, Subaru had been experiencing the same thing.

He had fallen, lamented his futile situation, and then he had lost consciousness. And after that, he had woken up from his precognitive dream and found himself in the Green Room –

Suddenly, Subaru experiences a great impact on the right side of his body, shattering his bones into pieces.

[*CRACK*]

The sound of something breaking filled the air, his right side felt like it had been hit by lightning – Subaru’s cries were silenced. And, right after, a severe pain coursed through his body.

[Subaru: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!]

His right arm was sticking out at an odd angle, completely broken from the elbow with the bone protruding out from his skin. He was covered in blood, his jacket was torn, and he could see his own pinkish muscles and white bone from underneath his torn skin.

He crashed. Subaru’s body crashed against the spiral staircase whilst he fell down towards the bottom. As it is now, his uncontrolled spiralling descent would end up destroying Subaru’s body, and still he didn’t stop.

No, it was far worse.

[Subaru: GHA! GHHH! GHHUU!]

His body that had tumbled downwards and had struck one of the lower steps of the spiral staircase, spraying blood everywhere. It was bad luck that his head hit the next step. His forehead cracked. He felt as if things were spilling out from the insides of his skull.

Instantly, he lost consciousness – where it seemed like it had all ended, his body collides with another step, and the pain from his broken right arm wakes him up as his body continues to lose its shape.

[Subaru: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! GYAAAAAA!!]

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

Pain, anguish, vomiting, burning, Natuski Subaru was being shattered into small pieces.

Arms, feet, face, every part of him was thrown and scraped against the stone staircase, broken, crushed, he no longer resembled a person. It was no longer a person, it was no longer Natuski Subaru.

– Memories are what shape people.

[*THUD*]

Whilst a losing a vast amount of blood, Subaru suddenly heard this voice in his head.

Who had said such a silly thing? But, it was a good thing to say. Memories are what shape people.

It’s a good saying.

If so, what the hell does that make someone who’s lost his memories, and is no longer who he once was?

[Subaru: ..............................]

Blood was spewing out of his mouth; quite literally, a scream that spews blood, his throat was completely crushed. Natsuki Subaru was falling apart, crumbling away until he reached the distant, distant ground.

There is no waking up from this dream. Natsuki Subaru had failed.

There would be no more second chances to try again. The end draws near.

Slowly, darkness, darkness... the world around him is being dyed black.

– Who are you.

And finally, after all of his anguish and hot blood, Natuski Subaru’s crumbled out of existence.