Arc 6 – 47, 'I Won’t Forgive You”

Arc 6 – Chapter 47, “I Won’t Forgive You”

A dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark place.In the back of his head, the back, back, back, back, back, back, back.Myself, I, I, who, you, you, Natsuki Subaru, Meili Portroute.

Natsuki Kenichi, Elsa Granhiert, Natsuki Naoko, Petra Leyte, Emilia, Shaula, Beatrice, Frederica Baumann, Anastasia Hoshin, Garfiel Tinsel, Julius Juukulius, Otto Suwen, Ram, the blue hair, who is, I am, you are,『I』am, myself is, the others are, I, you, you, me―

―Myself,『I』... Natsuki Subaru. Myself,『I』... Natsuki Subaru.―Who,『I』... Meili Portroute. Who,『I』... Meili Portroute.

「――――」

These thoughts spin round and round and round in his mind, blurring the lines between what is reality and what isn’t. They are fused together as one, blending as one, becoming entwined as one, feeling affection as one, hating as one, suffering as one, loving as one, desiring as one, killing as one, wishing as one, destroying as one, threatening as one, understanding as one, crying as one, laughing as one, not understanding as one.

“You can only be yourself. Others can only be themselves.” There’s no room for compromise, no compromise out of pity, no chance to engender a compromise, no being considerate to each other; there’s nothing, nothing at all in the end.ilia:「Subaru......」

Subaru: 「――――」

Shaking his head back and forth, he exerts himself in trying to extract the thorn of the so called『Other Person』from inside himself with utmost effort. Emilia and Beatrice both gently hoist him up by his shoulders, and prop the struggling boy up from his left and right. Whilst feeling traces of the two’s worries on their cheeks, the boy ― the individual that should be called Natsuki Subaru is trying to decide the boundary between his own self and others. He is struggling trying to regain himself.

A swirl of thoughts clouds him, the correct answer disappears due to the whirl of emotions which were melting together inside him. His lungs were convulsing; if he were to feel his throat now, he would realise that his breathing had become painful. From within his neck, he was experiencing a severe difficulty in his breathing that had come to life just now. A fear that he would suffocate was slowly attacking him. The sensation of impending『Death』once again revives within him, the feeling of wanting to vomit surfaces inside him and causes tears to stream out of his eyes.

Subaru: 「――――」

Whilst confronted by this horrible feeling, Subaru slowly and carefully tries to excludes things which would don’t define him from within him, struggling to establish his own personal identity. The way he says『I』, the way the second person says it, his memory, their memories, his impressions, his feelings... identify which belong to the other person, and distinguish between them.

Just like that, if he sifts through what is not his and removes the stuff that got blended together, he will go back to as he was. Otherwise, this state where they are fused and blended together will never peel off. It was himself, and the little girl who had been killed by his own『Hands』that were mixed together into a hodgepodge of―

Echidna: 「―Natsuki-kun, what on earth did you see? Are you able to tell us?」

Subaru:「Uh, ah? 」

A voice had called out from in front of Subaru, as he was immersed by his current identity crisis. He looks at her. Right in front of him, at the same level he was crouched at, a person with pale, turquoise eyes is squinting at him: Anastasia ― No, now it’s Echidna, right? In any case, it’s that girl. Despite Subaru recognising her, Echidna’s eyes remain quite serious, and she continues to speak.

Echidna:「I sympathise that you are in a tough spot. But, the current situation we are all in is quite grave. If you are able to, we need information as soon as possible.That way we don’t make any mistakes when dealing with this.」

Emilia:「Wait, Echidna... Just now, Subaru experienced something terrible...」

Echidna:「Of course, I know that. I also appreciate that everyone else in this place is experiencing this unreasonable situation, you know... That is why we ought to have a duty in responding quickly to his judgement.」

Subaru can only let out a hoarse breath, as Echidna’s assertions pierce through Emilia who had tried to defend him. Whilst talking, Echidna’s gaze for a moment turned towards the fallen book on the floor behind him. Taking a look at the thick black binding of the book, Echidna continued her speech with a: 「Because,」

Echidna:「The little girl who accompanied us is missing. Furthermore, we found a book which seemed to match with the little girl’s name in this library that records the memories of the dead... This situation is serious. We can not afford to be treading water here.」

Emilia:「That’s... Yeah, but...」

Emilia can’t find a rebuttal against Echidna’s insisting tone of voice. In fact, Echidna’s complaint was justified. In this messed-up situation, the only one to possess such vital information is Subaru. Taking everyone’s feelings into consideration, it can be said that everyone here has no time to spare to calm down. As she knows that, Echidna is prepared to blame him and launch questions at Subaru to harden his heart.

At hearing her resolve, Subaru grits his teeth again and places his hand against his throat. With all his strength, fighting against the feeling that he can’t breathe, he shut his eyes and―

Echidna:「I want you to listen to me again, Natsuki-kun. What did you see inside the bo―」

Subaru:「―I saw... Meili’s... memories...」

Echidna:「――――」

Subaru responds with perfect honesty to Echidna’s questions without attempting to deceive her. Just as he said that, next to her, Emilia held her breath, and in front of him, Echidna closed her eyes. Next to them, Beatrice, Julius and Ram each respectively have expressions of worry and grief floating across their faces.

『The Book of the Dead』had shown Subaru Meili’s memories. There isn’t a single person here who wouldn’t be able to understand what that meant.

Could there have been a mistake and the memories in Meili’s book had been laid out there by some error? He wonders for how much longer could he comfort himself by clinging onto such futile hope. However, in this place, he isn’t alone in wanting to surrender himself to this deception and escaping towards the more comfortable option. Especially for the girls right next to Subaru whose cheeks had stiffened in distress trying to bear this.

Beatrice:「Calm down, Subaru, in fact. Calm down, and focus on regaining yourself, I suppose.」

Subaru「...So... rry」

Beatrice:「It’s okay, in fact. Right now, you can rely on Betty, I suppose... This isn’t your fault Subaru, in fact. Don’t beat yourself up, I suppose.」

Subaru:「――――」

Beatrice had stood up and hugged Subaru’s head as he breathed unsteadily. The little girl was gently stroking his black hair with her hands. Whilst checking on Subaru’s wellbeing, which was scattered into thousands of little pieces, he notes the irony in her words.

Beatrice had so benevolently said that it wasn’t Subaru’s fault. But, this was no one’s fault but『Natsuki Subaru’s』who had committed this crime. Not knowing this fact, Beatrice was speaking gently to him and treating him kindly; it was so absurd that it was almost comical.

Julius:「―Miss Ram, what do you think?」

As Beatrice and Subaru had been giving this exchange, Julius, with a serious look etched on his face had turned towards Ram and tried to get her input on the matter. Compared to the others, the complexion of those two had not paled in shock to the same extent. Following Meili’s memories, it’s known that these two had been the most wary about her. At least, Meili had felt that both Ram and Julius had never lacked in vigilance towards her, as she had once been an assassin. Conversely, she had certainly taken note of Emilia and Echidna’s carelessness towards her.

Julius:「If you believe the words that Subaru just spoke, Miss Meili has already...」

Ram:「There’s no way Barusu would be skillful or cold-hearted enough to conjure up a lie in this situation...I’m certain that the book is Meili’s. To make sure, we could have someone else check it?」

Holding her slender arms, Ram glares down at the book that was still lying on the floor. Following that speech, Julius frowned in thought and said:

Julius:「―If I were to...」

Ram:「Would there even be any leeway for you, since you’d be reading one these books for a second time? So to speak, what if doing it a second time you end up in the same state as Barusu. Of course, we could also presume that it has only resounded to this degree in Barusu due to him being immature and inexperienced...」

Julius:「――――」

Ram:「But unfortunately, when it comes to your mindset now, whether it can be said to be more stable than Barusu’s, Ram hasn’t evaluated it as being any better.」

Standing up stiffly, Julius held his breath as he heard Ram’s words, who had narrowed her light-pink eyes. However, he quickly shook his head and said:「That’s reasonable...」

Julius:「...It’s bitter, but, I have no basis to reject the words of Miss Ram. Yesterday, when I acted in this predicament so selfishly and arbitrarily without consulting anyone... I’m definitely not qualified to do this at all.」

Echidna:「I am sorry, but I also agree.」

Echidna raised her hand up and barged her way into the conversation after hearing Julius’ self-deprecating words. And, whilst fiddling with her white scarf which was wrapped around the base of her neck, she said:

Echidna:「However, the basis of my argument is not about the state of mind which Julius is in. Purely, I am only stating my opposition to this from looking at the state Natsuki-kun is in and saying that it’s too dangerous to try this!」

Ram:「It’s pretty much a fact that it’s dangerous. It’s quite obvious that this situation is pretty messed up.」

Julius:「Indeed. Since the last time, it seems that the influence from reading the book has come out more strongly. The only question is whether this is down to reading the book more than once or whether it’s due to the specific book you read.」

Ram:「Maybe it’s both the number of times you read it, and who the book belongs to?」

As Ram and Julius wrack their brains, Echidna nods at the two saying:「Aah,」

Beatrice:「―Well then, I guess you aren’t thinking about going with them, in fact.」

After seeing off the search party, she had been left behind next to Subaru. Whilst glaring at Shaula, Beatrice had bluntly said this. At receiving Beatrice’s scathing glance, Shaula replied in an exaggerated tone:「Buuuuuuut」

Shaula:「You gotta remember my role here is just as Stars-Keeper, nooo? My body and soul belong to Master... if Master was to wish for it, I would follow his requests with all my streength.」

Beatrice:「If that’s the case, then you must also go and search for Meili, I suppose. Don’t just dawdle here.」

Shaula:「Hm, reaaally, is that so?」

Shaula had craned her neck and looked towards Subaru with a look on her face that looked almost coquettish. Looking over Beatrice’s head, she questions Subaru about it directly. There’s something bewitching about her appearance ― rather than the usual nonchalant appearance on her face, for the first time her facial expression showed signs of something else other than the usual youthful demeanour she has.

Subaru:「――――」

Subaru’s heart once again leapt at seeing the colour and liveliness in her face, it was as if he had been surprise attacked. He reflexively raised his face up and looked back into Shaula’s black irises, in which he couldn’t read anything from. Face-to-face with Subaru, Shaula’s lips relax, and showing no traces of malintention she holds the『Book of the Dead』in front of her ample breasts.

Shaula:「If Master wished me to do so, I would even knock down the moooon. That’s why I want to hear it from Master, not from the half-witch, or from Chibiko Number 1 or from the pretty boy.」

Subaru:「I...」

Shaula:「Master, what should I dooo? Do you want me to look for Chibiko Number Twooo? Or...?」

Shaula trailed off her words, choosing not to say anything past that point. However, while looking for Subaru’s decision and while she held the『Book of the Dead』by her breasts, Shaula refrained herself from saying any more. Subaru reflected but couldn’t come up with anything to say to her unwavering attitude.

Where was the right answer deep down in himself?

Subaru:「――――」

His conflicted emotions towards what Emilia and the others had suggested were proof of Natsuki Subaru’s current contradictory existence.

―Meili Portroute... by no means could it be said that she had lived long.

By having read the contents within her『Book of the Dead』, it had snatched away at him as it liked, as if digesting parts of him; blasphemously chewed, swallowed, and digested with an invisible stomach. The life of『me』and the life of『Natsuki Subaru』has a double meaning to it.

As a result, the mixed consciousnesses of Natsuki Subaru and『Natsuki Subaru』were divided into something which half resembled schizophrenia, having also now taken in the little girl.

― Subaru wants to conceal the manner in which Meili had『died.』― Subaru wishes them to find Meili’s dead body that he himself had hid.― Subaru hates『Natsuki Subaru』who killed『me.』

And thus, contradicting wishes were born inside of Subaru, influencing his behaviour in trying to make their desires come true.

Subaru:「―Shaula, go and search for Meili. Please go and help Emilia and everyone else.」

Before he could even notice it, Subaru was issuing out something like an order regarding what to do about Meili. Receiving his instructions, Shaula raised her eyebrows and straightened her body into a salute.

Shaula:「Roger that! If that’s what Master wishes, I will do whateeever you desire!」

Winking at him, whilst giving him a loving salute, Shaula held out the book towards Subaru. He received from her the book which felt like a black weight in that moment; Shaula stuck out her tongue at Subaru whose face had scrunched up into a frown. She looked somewhat mischievous, just like a child who’d just gotten in the last word in an argument would; she turned away from Subaru and she jumped down the library stairs with one giant leap. He sees her swaying black hair gradually disappearing from his sights. Feeling as if he had been released from a great tension, Subaru let out a sigh of relief.

Subaru:「Such strange things...」

― The falsely accused Natsuki Subaru, who doesn’t want to divulge his participation in the crime, or let them find her dead body.―『I』, the victim, wish for them to find my body and clear the anger and regret from myself.―『Natsuki Subaru』, the perpetrator, who murders people and piles up acts of wickedness one after the other.

All of these thoughts exist alongside each other in one body; all of them loom over and try to press Natsuki Subaru into selecting one of their choices. If he truly only cared about his own skin, he would have shut his mouth regarding Meili’s life and death; he would have worked his brain harder to falsify the contents that he had seen within the『Book of the Dead.』

In fact, he couldn’t really have done that, Subaru wouldn’t really have the intelligence to do such an act, but more than that, he felt hostility towards『Natsuki Subaru』and emphasised towards『My』own regrets ― there was anger towards himself, in letting such a wicked being do as it pleases.

It’s true that last time, and the time before that, and even before that, that someone had been behind Subaru dying. But even that seems like as if it’s a plot set up by『Natsuki Subaru』lurking inside of Subaru. It seems likely that it’s a trap setup to make Subaru act rashly and hate the others.

After all, what he had thought before reading the『Book of the Dead』was not normal. Emilia, Meili and everyone else, not one of them was truly evil... the only one who is evil is Natsuki Subaru.

Beatrice:「Subaru, it’s not good for you to be languishing in thought, in fact. It’d be better if you let go of that book, I suppose.」

Subaru:「――――」

Just noticing her, Beatrice was kneeling right beside him, looking at him with a look of concern in her eyes. Right in front of him, she was giving him a look of concern ― It resurfaced in his mind that Emilia had looked at him in the exact same way. A sense of discomfort takes hold of Subaru’s heart.

The emotions that Beatrice was letting off ― they weren’t directed towards Natsuki Subaru himself, rather, they were directed at『Natsuki Subaru.』It seems like such a terribly dishonest thing to do in having received this himself after having hidden the fact that he’d lost his memory, and on top of that, having kept his silence about the true nature of『Natsuki Subaru.』

Shouldn’t he tell them? Without even having noticed, it had been the current Natsuki Subaru who had snatched Meili’s『Life』from her. If that’s what was going to happen, then, before that danger is once again turned towards Emilia, Beatrice and the others―

Subaru:「...Why are you so kind to me?」

Beatrice:「―. Wait, that’s such a sudden question, in fact. What’s the matter, I suppose.」

Subaru:「No, nevermind...」

As a final word on this matter, if he is to crack the meaning behind these relationships that he had borrowed, maybe he needs to hear what had happened before becoming like so ― their real opinion. He needs to know the real meaning of why Emilia, Beatrice and everyone else have such so much faith and are always turning towards『Natsuki Subaru.』

Subaru:「――――」

The moment he had tried to put some deep thought into it, a feeling of hesitation arises inside of Subaru’s heart.『I』turned towards Elsa. Emilia and the others, who in this world treat Natsuki Subaru as someone close to them, turn towards『Natsuki Subaru.』

Natsuki Subaru can’t truly experience it, he can only look at it, like as if it is a precious gemstone. Why does this trace, this lingering scent, these remains, this warmth exist? Why? Why is it just for Natsuki Subaru?

Subaru:「――――」

Why, such a man...Why, such a cruel human being...Why, a man with such a cruel smile...Why, this man involved in the death of Elsa...Why, this man who laughed as he murdered Meili...Why, this man who tried to conceal『My』death...Why, is such a man, this man, this man — so loved?

Subaru:「――――」

I want to know. I don’t know. I want to know. I don’t know. Only me, only Subaru, only『I』do not know the reason. I don’t know. I don’t understand. It’s all so one-sided.

Subaru:「――――」

If you can hear『me』, can you understand me? If you can hear me, can I ask something? Can you tell me? Did you think it was genuine? The smile I expressed... the smile I showed was a fake... there was emptiness in my heart. That’s because everyone wears masks, even you, Natsuki Subaru. Even despite you not having wanted to show it to your mother and father outside the house.

If there’s a way to know the truth, then where is it. What do they all really think of me, what are their true feelings, why do they all believe in『Natsuki Subaru』?

『I』can give that to you ― A way to know about this.

Subaru:「――――」

A voice resonating in his mind cruelly seduces him. And he realises that the solution to the problem that had dominated his thoughts for so long was close by.

Had there been up until now a way to know the answer to this resting in between his arms?

Beatrice:「Subaru?」

Staring at the silent Subaru, Beatrice narrowed her eyes with uneasiness. Without returning her gaze, Subaru simply looked down between his arms.

Subaru:「――――」

― A black, heavy tome, it seemed like it was offering a gruesome welcome to his curiosity.