The turtle instructed him on what sounds to make. It was easy with his intelligence, just weird. The space monster language was unique. It involved all sorts of sounds ranging from clicks, to howls, to actual letters. It felt like tongue yoga.
He made the right sounds anyway—or, at least, the closest he could come to them. It took some practice.
“WHAT INFORMATION?” the horse asked, all business. “WILL YOU NOT KILL US?”
“If I wanted to kill you, you’d already be dead,” he replied, still butchering their language.
The horses glanced at each other. “WE ARE NOT DEAF.”
“That’s not what I— Anyway. Just don’t try anything stupid, okay?”
“OKAY. WE DO HAVE EARS, BY THE WAY. THEY’RE UNDER THE FUR.”
“Cool. Can you stop shouting?”
“I AM NOT SHOUTING.”
Jack suddenly felt the urge to go find other space monsters to interrogate. But maybe they’d all be shouting. Oh god.
“Tell me about this world,” he said. “Where are we?”
“THE ASTARION PROVINCE.”
“Okay. How many provinces are there?”
“I DO NOT KNOW. MORE THAN ONE.”
“Very helpful. Who’s the strongest space monster here? Do you have A-Grades?”
“PROVINCE MASTER ASTARION. HE IS VERY STRONG.”
“How strong?”
“VERY. STRONGER THAN US. STRONGER THAN YOU.”
“Would you call him an A-Grade?”
“WHAT IS THAT?”
“Space monsters are not familiar with the System’s Grades,” the turtle explained to Jack. “They use different classifications. From D-Grade to Archon, they call themselves dukes, counts, barons, autarchs, and overlords.”
“That’s fucking stupid. It’s the reverse order of British royalty.”
“I don’t make the rules.”
Jack sighed. “Is your province master an autarch?” he asked.
“YES.”
“Okay. Does he have, like, a faction of autarchs?”
“NO. THE ASTARION PROVINCE IS AN OUTER PROVINCE. AUTARCHS ONLY COME OUT HERE TO BE PROVINCE MASTERS.”
“So there are outer provinces. That’s good to know. I suppose there are inner ones as well?”
“YES. OUTER PROVINCES, INNER, AND CORE. ONLY TWO CORE PROVINCES. THE OVERLORDS.”
“That makes sense. So the space monster world is separated in provinces, with each province master being an autarch, and the innermost you go, the higher the level of people. Correct?”
The horse thought for a moment. “YES. BUT NOT ALL PROVINCE MASTERS ARE AUTARCHS. SOME ARE BARONS.”
“But not in the inner provinces?”
“NO. ALL AUTARCHS THERE.”
“And why do you call the provinces core, inner, and outer? Is there a center?”
“THE WORLD IS RINGS. THE DARK CANAL IS AT THE CENTER. WORSHIP THE DARK CANAL.”
“What’s the dark canal?”
“BUT YOU’RE STRONGER.”
“That’s alright.”
The two hellhorses still seemed confused, but they’d get used to it.
Jack took one core into his inner realm, while Brock did the same to the other.
“Do you have names?” they asked the horses.
“I AM DOLPARTAZOL THE HARBINGER OF DOOM,” the leading horse replied. “AND THIS IS EZAQUIL THE ETERNAL DAWN.”
“Okay. Then, I will call you Dolly,” Jack told it.
“And I will call you Eza,” Brock said to the other one. There was no third horse for Starhair.
Suddenly, Jack realized something. He reached into his space ring and removed a carrot. He’d had it there since the last time he visited Earth. In fact, he had entire boxes of vegetables. They didn’t go bad in space rings.
“Do you want a carrot, Dolly?” he asked. “The horses on my planet like it. They’re significantly less infernal than you, but we might as well try.”
Dolpartazol, the self-appointed harbinger of doom, ate the carrot. “IT IS VERY TASTY, MASTER. THIS IS NOW MY FAVORITE FOOD. CAN I HAVE ANOTHER?”
“Just one, okay? No more until we reach...whatever destination we’re planning to reach.”
“OKAY MASTER.”
As Dolly enjoyed her second carrot, consuming it in small bites to make it last longer, Jack turned to the others. “There’s one more thing we gotta do,” he said. “We can’t be walking around like this in civilization centers. They’ll attack us on sight.”
He reached into his space ring again and took out a shining blue liquid. It resembled a sea of stars. Even from inside the bottle, this potion radiated power intense enough for Dolly to stop mid-bite and stare at it.
They had known they’d need disguises. The Arch Priestess had gone to great lengths to secure three transformation potions of the highest caliber. They would remain active no matter how hard they fought or exerted themselves, and the disguise would fool anybody unless they came face-to-face with an Archon.
They originally had three potions—one for Jack, Brock, and the Arch Priestess’s clone, the people who were supposed to enter the Space Monster World. Unfortunately, the Arch Priestess clone had kept hers on her person, so it was destroyed. Jack now only had two potions for three people and no way to create another.
“I’ll be fine without,” Brock said. “I’m a brorilla. I can fit in.”
“Are you sure?” Jack asked.
“No. But we can try.”
Jack nodded. They had no other choice. He gave one potion to Starhair, but before using them, they had to find suitable forms. Once they ingested the potions, the disguise could not be changed or taken off.
“Show me the most common race of humanoid space monsters,” Jack asked Dolly, connecting his mind to hers. She projected an image to him. Jack ingested his potion.
He felt his body change. Bones snapped into place. Some shattered while new ones grew. His flesh was torn apart as his entire form was restructured. When the transformation was done, Jack was a hulking humanoid, pale green in color. He stood nine feet tall, with short horns sticking out of his forehead and lines of spikes trailing his spine and limbs. Two bat-like wings spread from his back, though he could easily fold them if he wanted to, and a thick tail extended from his lower back. His hands and feet ended in sharp claws. Thankfully, he could still make them into fists. He’d also changed his facial structure a little bit—after all, the overlords had seen his face during the summit, so they might recognize him from afar.
Overall, Jack’s new form looked like a green devil. Completely bad-ass. The only problem was that he, apparently, possessed two sets of male genitalia, one hanging above the other. That change alone felt so damn weird.
Good thing his magical shorts had changed to fit his new size.
Brock observed the transformation with interest. Starhair, however, was shaking. “That looked like it hurt,” he said.
“A little bit,” Jack confirmed. His voice had gotten deeper and guttural. “But it’s just for a minute. Come on. Drink your potion.”
“...I don’t want to.”
“Then we’ll have to leave you here. We can’t carry around an outside with us.”
Starhair gulped. He looked at the potion, observing the blue stars inside it, then gulped it down. “Okay. It’s not that—” He instantly started convulsing. He fell to the ground and started writhing as he screamed in pain.
Jack scratched his head. When he said it only hurt a little bit, he hadn’t been lying. It was just that his pain perception was apparently skewed by everything he’d experienced.
Oh well, he thought. He’ll be fine. A little bit of suffering builds character.
Two minutes later, Starhair lay on the ground, panting in his new body. It looked exactly like Jack’s, except with a different face. They also had other minor differences, but overall, Jack thought they would easily pass as two members of this space monster species.
“What are we called, anyway?” he asked Dolly.
“DOUBLE DEVIL,” she replied. “AND I HAVE TO SAY, MASTER, YOU LOOK DASHING. YOU WERE HIDEOUS BEFORE. ALL FLESH AND NO ARMOR. NOW YOU’RE A PROPER SPACE MONSTER.”
“Thanks...” he replied, then turned to the others. “Okay, everyone. We’re ready. Let’s head for the inner provinces—and maybe find someone smarter to interrogate.”