497. Lonely

497. Lonely

Amanda stared at the silver-haired girl standing there by the large bonfire. The former assassin gritted her teeth. She couldn’t understand it. It didn’t make any sense to her.

It was just unfair.

Everything was unfair. Amanda saw Salvos, and couldn’t help but be jealous. It wasn’t just the fact that when the former assassin used [Identification], she saw that the silver-haired girl was a Lesser God. No— if that was it, Amanda would just be impressed,

Instead, it was the change Salvos had undergone. Amanda had always thought that the silver-haired girl looked unnatural. There was always something that just seemed too… perfect.

It only ever slightly irked Amanda when she saw it in the past. She simply disliked how someone could look that fake, yet somehow still appear truly beautiful. Yes, beautiful. Even though Amanda was a woman herself, she couldn’t deny this. She was well aware that Salvos was considered quite attractive.

But now, after whatever happened two days ago, Salvos looked different. The changes were subtle, yet distinct. Her silver hair had a light sheen to it— a soft luster that seemed ethereal. Her divine-touched skin seemed to glisten against the flaming backdrop. Like she were a phantasm. As if she were an apparition of sorts.

It was like staring at the masterwork of the greatest artisan in all of the Human lands. A porcelain doll that had been crafted over decades. An ice sculpture that captured the very essence of the word beauty. She raised her head fractionally, fluttering her eyes as she turned to face Amanda.

That was when the former assassin realized she had been staring for too long. That was when Amanda realized she had subconsciously approached the silver-haired woman while lost in thought.

“Yes?”

Salvos asked, cocking her head. Amanda gritted her teeth.

Why am I here? the former assassin asked herself. And she knew it was because she thought it was unfair. It was so incredibly unfair.

But what was unfair? The fact that Salvos was so enchanting to look at— that her appearance was so dazzling that everyone who wanted to take a passing glance at her couldn’t even if they wanted to. Because it was like staring up at something so precious, they were afraid their gaze alone could crack it.

No. Amanda knew that wasn’t why she was jealous. The reason she was upset was very simple. It was because—

“Hey, Amanda. Have you seen Daniel around? He said he’d be here with Edithe soon.”

Salvos spoke simply, smiling innocently as ever. Amanda clicked her tongue at the mention of that name.

“Don’t say that name to me.”

The former assassin averted her gaze. She could feel her sense of jealousy rising. The feeling of knowing that it was all pointless— that her feelings didn’t matter because the man she loved was interested in this vixen too overwhelming.

Amanda wanted to leave there and then, but Salvos just blinked.

“Whose name? Daniel’s? Or Edithe’s? Or wait— do you mean your name? I think Amanda is a nice name, though.”

And that made the brown-haired woman snap.

“You know exactly who I’m talking about!”

“Um, I actually don’t—”

Salvos started, and Amanda cursed.

“I’m talking about Daniel, you fucking idiot.”

“Huh.”

For a moment, the silver-haired girl just raised her head with a frown. Amanda shook her head as she thought of Daniel. She recalled the ways he stared at Salvos— the admiration and more he always held in his wistful gaze.

“I just don’t get it. What does he see in you? What does he…”

The former assassin trailed off. She lowered her head as the flames from the large bonfire cast a shadow over her face. The sun was falling over the horizon now— the last vestiges of the orange circle soon to vanish, leaving nothing but a dark sky overhead, and the dim crimson glow in the far distance of the Netherworld, barely visible, but evidently there.

Amanda knew what Daniel saw in Salvos. The silver-haired girl was truly beautiful. Not only that— but Salvos was incredible. Her feats and achievements… it only made sense Daniel would develop a crush on her. But it still pissed the former assassin off.

So she stood there in silence as Salvos started forward. The silver-haired girl herself lowered her gaze. Was Salvos confused? Empathetic? Or maybe she was even feeling pitiful for the brown-haired woman?

Probably. Even Amanda found her brief display to be utterly pathetic. If Saffron were here, she’d just laugh at the former assassin, telling her she was in love. But there was nothing Amanda could do about how she felt. Whether it was love or a stupid pit of self-pity.

“I… just leave me alone.”

Amanda averted her gaze in annoyance as she noticed the silver-haired girl starting forward. But Salvos finally came to a halt and raised a hand. The former assassin gritted her teeth.

“I said—”

She started, and Salvos grabbed her by the shoulders. The silver-haired drew closer, glaring straight into Amanda’s eyes.

“Take that back.”

“W-what…?”

Amanda tried to work her jaw, utterly confused. But Salvos’s grip grew tighter.

“I said: take that back. I am not an idiot. So don’t call me that.”

“That’s—”

But before the former assassin could protest, she paused. Her eyes widened as she stared into the silver-haired girl’s gaze. Suddenly, Salvos was no longer an ethereal beauty. The perfect features twisted, and her golden eyes burned like scintillating stars. She loomed over Amanda, her cloying figure now like a towering monster.

Amanda found her knees trembling. Her legs nearly buckled beneath her as her hands shook. She choked as bands of fear tightened in her throat, before finally gasping out.

“Fine! I take it back! I take it back! You’re not an idiot!”

For a moment, Amanda wasn’t sure if that was enough. But Salvos blinked. Then she stepped back, smiling happily.

“That’s good! I’m not an idiot— I am a genius! Make sure you remember that, alright?”

The silver-haired girl wagged a finger as she nodded. Amanda paused. She just stared at Salvos, mind uncomprehending. The former assassin didn’t understand what just happened.

“H-how did you just…?”

It was like a flip had been switched. In an instant, Salvos was now just standing there innocently, pretending as if nothing happened. Amanda stared for a moment, before the silver-haired shook her head.

“Anyway, what were you talking about? What do you mean by ‘what does Daniel see in me’? He’s my companion! He sees me as Salvos, of course!”

Salvos exclaimed, pointing at herself with a grin. Amanda took a moment to recover from the whiplash, before finally steeling herself. She shook her head.

“That’s not what I’m talking about, you id—”

Salvos cocked her head, and the former assassin quickly caught herself.

“I mean, that’s not what I’m talking about, you… genius?”

Amanda waited to see the silver-haired girl’s reaction. Salvos beamed in response, and the former assassin sighed in relief.

“Look, I’m talking about how Daniel sees you. How he… feels about you. I just… am jealous, alright? Am I not allowed to feel this way?”

“What are you jealous about?”

Salvos asked, fluttering her eyes, clearly not understanding the implications. Amanda gritted her teeth as the bonfire in the distance crackled. She raised her head, seeing the crowd of shadowed figures gather around. They were so distant— they bore faces she never saw. The rest of the world seemed to fade away as Amanda closed her eyes.

“I… I can’t tell you that.”

“Why not?”

It was a foolish question. But the silver-haired girl asked anyway. Amanda felt her heart jump in her chest. Her face flushed, burning crimson. She felt the heat from the bonfire pressed against her cheeks as she backed up.

“It’s just not something I can talk about, alright?”

“You can tell me— I won’t tell anybody!”

Salvos prodded her further. Amanda’s lips quivered. Still, she adamantly refused. But the silver-haired girl was insistent.

“If it’s about Daniel, I want to know! He’s my companion! I care about him!”

“You can’t…”

“Did he do something wrong? If he did, just tell me! I’ll smack him over the head for you!”

“It’s not that—”

“Then what is it? I need to know, Amanda. Daniel is important to me. I—”

And finally, that was too much. Amanda crumbled under the silver-haired girl’s pestering questions. The former assassin just blurted it out.

“Fine! I love him, alright?”

Salvos paused. She blinked a few times. Then she blinked a few more times. But Amanda wasn’t finished.

“I love him— but he doesn’t love me back. Instead, he loves you.”

“You… love him?”

The silver-haired girl narrowed her eyes, before pointing at herself.

“Wait, he loves me?”

“Of course he does. It’s obvious to anyone who sees how he treats you— he has a crush on you, Salvos.”

Amanda spoke through clenched teeth. The former assassin didn’t want to admit it. Nor did she like saying it. But she had to. Because Salvos was far too persistent.

Although, that didn’t mean Amanda had to say anything. So perhaps it was because she actually wanted to say it, as much as it hurt. It was something she still needed to get out.

Salvos just frowned.

“That’s…”

She rubbed her chin for a moment. Then she crossed her arms.

“No he doesn’t. He’s just my companion.”

“You can believe whatever you want. But if you’re going to hear this from me and ignore his feelings, then you’re just selfish. I know how he feels— I have seen the way he looks at you. It is the exact same way I look at him.”

Amanda scowled as she spoke. It really hurt, but somehow, it was cathartic. She had been bottling up her feelings for far too long. And now, she was finally letting her thoughts flow freely.

Salvos opened her mouth to protest, but paused. She peered into Amanda.

“Wait… you love him?”

And the former assassin blushed furiously in response.

“Yeah— you got a problem with that?”

“No, it’s just that…”

Salvos trailed off. For a moment, she stood there, thinking over her words as Amanda glanced around anxiously. The former assassin saw that no one was nearby— that no one could have overheard the conversation. And she sighed in relief.

Slowly, she raised her head as the silver-haired girl spoke in thought.

“Honestly, I don’t understand how love works. Edithe tried explaining it to me before. Oh, also Saffron did too. But it never made any sense to me. It just sounded… confusing and a little bit annoying.”

Salvos continued tapping her chin as she wondered aloud. Amanda scoffed.

“It is annoying. Very annoying. Especially when you know the man you love doesn’t love you back. That’s why I’m jealous, Salvos. That’s why I’m…”

Amanda trailed off. She was breathing heavily. She balled her hands into fists and held Salvos’s gaze.

“Salvos. I want you to speak with Daniel. Figure out your feelings for him. I can’t let you just lead him around like this forever. He loves you, and I don’t want you to hurt him any longer.”

“That’s…”

The silver-haired girl opened her mouth. Amanda wasn’t sure if her request was selfish. But it made Salvos think. And that was enough for the former assassin.

“Amanda.”

Salvos finally said as she raised her head.

“I’m still not sure how love works. But can you explain to me— why do you love Daniel?”

“W-why do I love him?”

Amanda was taken aback. She shifted her feet defensively as she flushed.

“What kind of a question is that? How am I supposed to explain love?”

“I’m not sure either. That’s why I want you to try and explain it to me.”

Salvos spoke simply. The former assassin chewed on her lower lip. There were a lot of things Amanda wanted to say. She had to say it. And she did. She obliged Salvos’s request, speaking in a daze.

“Daniel is… someone who saved me.”

The brown-haired woman closed her eyes as she searched her feelings.

“I was an assassin. I grew up all my life only knowing one thing— how to kill for money. Even when I was a child, I did things you cannot imagine just to survive. So I was always alone. I had no one in my life. No friends. No family. No one ever cared for me, nor did I care for them. And I was content with it being that way.”

She recounted her past. She recalled that grim reality she had been through. How she had to kill so many people just to escape slavery and even prostitution.

“I leveled. I grew stronger. People began to respect me, and I got an offer I couldn’t refuse. So I joined the Harrowed Vindicators. I filled my pockets with gold, and left a trail of corpses behind me. I showed no concern for anyone’s life but my own. And that led me to accepting a job— a mission to kill a [Hero].”

“Daniel.”

Salvos spoke knowingly. Amanda laughed bitterly.

“That is both my biggest regret and the best thing I’ve ever done. That fool— Daniel defeated me, but he spared me. At first, it was for his own sake. But when I wasn’t needed anymore, he still didn’t kill me. He showed me kindness when no one else would even look my way. He accepted me for who I was, even though he knew I tried to kill him. He saved me, Salvos.”

The former assassin felt her heart aching. Her chest hurt. She looked down at the palm of her hand, then slowly hugged herself tightly.

“No one has ever treated me that way. No one has ever… done anything like that for me. He made me feel things I have never felt before. That’s why I love him. He’s the first person I have ever fallen for. That’s why I don’t want you to hurt him anymore.”

Salvos just watched as Amanda stood there, speaking softly. The silver-haired girl’s eyes grew wide. She took in this scene, nodding slowly.

“I understand, Amanda.”

She started forward, and Amanda winced. The former assassin thought she was going to be grabbed violently again, but Salvos just patted her reassuringly on the shoulder and smiled.

“I will speak to Daniel.”

“Y-you will?”

Amanda stared in disbelief. But Salvos just nodded.

“I will. But can I say something first?”

“W-what is it?”

The former assassin was still in shock. And she was nervous— she didn’t know what Salvos meant by her response. After all, there were a myriad of things the silver-haired girl could say to Daniel.

If Salvos loved Daniel too… Amanda tried to dismiss the thought. It hurt too much to think about.

But the silver-haired girl just spoke softly, holding Amanda’s gaze.

“You say you love Daniel. And maybe you do. I still don’t quite understand how love works. But to me, it sounds like you’re just lonely.”

“What?”

This time, Amanda wasn’t even sure how to react. The brown-haired woman just stood there, processing those words. But Salvos wasn’t done.

The silver-haired girl chuckled.

“I was lonely once. I had that feeling too! Then I met Haec— my first companion! He treated me like no one did before! He made me feel things I never felt before!

Amanda narrowed her eyes. At first, she was affronted by Salvos’s accusation. But when the former assassin found her wit’s, she only had one reply.

“Doesn’t that mean you love him?”

But Salvos cheerfully beamed.

“Nope! Because I don’t just feel that way towards Haec. I feel that way towards Daniel. Towards Edithe. Towards Saffron. Towards Willy. Towards my children. And… maybe towards my Dad?”

She strummed her finger on her chin in thought, then shrugged.

“Honestly, I’m not so sure about that last part. But that’s how I feel towards all my companions. I was lonely, and thanks to them, now I’m not. Maybe I do love them— just not in the same way you’re talking about. That is why I’ll protect them. Because they matter to me.”

Amanda gritted her teeth. She glared at Salvos, pointing accusingly.

“How would you know that? How would you know what my love feels like?”

But Salvos just shook her head.

“Didn’t you say you never had friends before? Weren’t you the one who said you’ve never fallen in love before? You said you love him because of how he treated you— because no one else has treated you that way. So if someone else comes along and treats you the same way, would you fall in love with them too?”

“T-that’s—”

Amanda tried to argue back. But Salvos just pressed on, uncaring.

“Amanda, what do you even know about Daniel?”

“What?”

The silver-haired girl spoke confidently. Even as Amanda stumbled back. Even as the former assassin felt her heart ache with each word.

“Do you know anything about him? What’s his favorite food? What’s his favorite drink? Does he like to read? Did you know he has a diary? What does he want? What are his dreams? Why does he fight?”

“How would I know any—”

Amanda opened her mouth, but Salvos was relentless. The former assassin didn’t realize it, but her vision began to blur. She couldn’t answer any of these questions even if she wanted to. And it hurt her.

“Do you know the name of his first girlfriend? Do you know what kind of life he lived back on Earth?”

I— Amanda answered in her head. She knew the answer, but she still couldn’t speak it.

“Do you know anything about him? Do you truly love him?”

I-I don’t… It pained the former assassin to even think about it. There was no way she could say—

“Or do you just love the way he treats you?”

“I don’t know!”

Amanda finally lashed out. She spoke sharply, stepping forward as Salvos backed up. The former assassin didn’t care if she was beheaded for snapping right now. Her heart was in turmoil, and she just wanted to cry.

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she angrily held the silver-haired girl’s gaze.

“I do not know the answer to any of these questions. I don’t even know if I love him, alright? Why are you asking me all this?”

And Salvos blinked. She watched as the brown-haired woman sobbed, taking in shallow breaths.

“Huh.”

Amanda just didn’t understand— what was the point of all this? She was hurt. Not because of jealousy. Not because of envy. But because of the thought that her feelings weren’t true.

“Are you… accusing my love of being fake?”

The former assassin spoke slowly. Almost dangerously. Like it was a threat. But Salvos replied without any hesitation.

“I just think you should figure it out, that’s all. Because maybe you truly love Daniel, or maybe you don’t. But if you’re just lonely, what will happen if you meet another man or woman just like Daniel? Will you just leave him? Stay with him? What if this other person is better than him in every way?”

“I—”

Amanda started, but Salvos turned around, waving a hand dismissively.

“That wasn’t an actual question. You can think it over yourself. I’ll speak with Daniel as I said I would. But I want you to think this through. Because, just like you, I don’t want you to hurt my companion.”

And Salvos left Amanda standing there, mouth agape. Nothing left to say.

I left Amanda behind, closing my eyes. [Truth Divination] still active. I felt her feelings when she spoke her words. I knew what she thought when she refused to say anything. There was an uncertainty there. Yet, an intense adoration. I compared her feelings to my own.

And I opened my eyes.

“Alright, now where’s Daniel?”