Chapter 192

Chapter 192

Its been a long time since Ive slept alone.

Im not sure I like it.Updated from novelb(i)n.c(o)m

Theres a wrongness in the world. No twins to cuddle, no pets to invade my space, no friends to share warmth or brother to chat with, Im left to pass the night in solitude for the first time in months, if not years. With nothing to distract me and only my breathing to fill the silence, all my errant, unwanted thoughts flood through my mind, demanding attention as I lay in the darkness, so reminiscent of my time spent in the void.

Time. The mere mention sends me off on a tangent, reviewing the ravings of a half-mad mind. Five days spent in nothingness was enough to drive me loopy, yet Baledagh spent years drifting in and out of it, only catching brief glimpses of me living out his life. Even now, he still believes were the same person, twin spirits in a single body, though the truth is far more insidious. Im nothing more than a parasite, stealing control away and leaving him in the darkness. I didnt mean to, but what use are kind intentions?

I cant even honestly say I acted in his best interests. Was it wrong for me to hide the truth from him? Would it have changed anything? If Id sat him down and explained everything, would he be in this situation now, having given up on everything? No, hes a warrior, hed fight and struggle until the end. The only reason he gave up, the only reason he hides away in his fantasies, is because he knows the only way to ever have his own life is to kill me. I didnt tell him because I was selfish, because I knew hed fight me and win, take control while leaving me in his place or worse. Since his awakening, all he wanted to do was help us stay alive, while all I wanted was to be rid of him. Because of me, he threw away this life which should be his, leaving me alone to wallow in my guilt.

I should be more careful with what I wish for.

Blinking away the tears, it takes little more than a thought to glimpse into his dream world, to see him smile and laugh with his family. His world is so real and consistent it fills me with a twisted sense of pride. My little brother, so confident and self-assured, unlike me he knows exactly what he wants and his dreams reflect it. No sudden shifts or changes for him, his world is real as any. All he lacks is the chance to achieve his dream, because Im here in the real world, hogging the limelight and making a mess of things. Maybe his life would have turned out exactly as he imagines it if but for a single change. What did he do all those years before I arrived? Who raised him until the age of twelve? He doesnt remember, but Id do anything to make his current dreams a reality.

Even at the cost of my existence. Hell, I've had my chance at life. He deserves his.

Abandoning my efforts to sleep, I dress and arm myself before leaving in search of distraction, planning to train until exhaustion. Unlike me however, the soldiers of the camp are fast asleep, aside from those busy with sentry duty, and it takes some effort to find a quiet area to practice. Not to be ungrateful or anything, but a small part of me wishes Mila and Huu had come, but I understand why they didnt. The quins cant keep pace with horses going full throttle, though the cost is steep. We cant push the animals too much for the next two days, and since I was brought almost a hundred kilometres in the opposite direction, its likely by the time we arrive, the battle for Sanshu will have been won or lost. For the sake of rescuing me, Fung, Zian, Dastan and BoShui likely threw away their chance to be heroes of the Empire and take part in defending against a Defiled insurrection.

A thank you doesnt seem enough to cover it.

In the darkness of night, my eyes spot a small flame in the distance, on a hilltop a short walk from camp. Moving quietly through the shadows, I slip unseen past the tired sentries and head towards the light, more out of curiosity than concern. In a few short minutes, I slip past another group of guards and hide in the shadows at the edge of a clearing, staring at the source of the light, a small brazier illuminating the night. Within the small ring of trees, Han BoShui kneels in silent vigil, his lip swollen and eye bruised, holding an unlit torch across his knees. Blinking away his tears, he seems lost in thought as he stares at the Shrike- no, at Han BoLao, his cousin, resting atop her funeral pyre, hands clasped and eyes closed as if she were merely sleeping.

A sorrowful sight, it reminds me of Baledaghs silent vigil for Ai-Qing, the entire affair so intimate it seems wrong to intrude. As I turn to leave, BoShuis choked words sound out behind me. Please, come out and pay your respects. Though Id like to send her remains back to Uncle, the circumstances force me to act otherwise.

Freezing in place, the seconds tick by while I pray hes talking to someone else, but Im never lucky. I guess either my sneaking no jutsu isnt up to par or he has a hidden expert guarding him, not that it matters. Clearing my throat, I step into the clearing and make my way to the pyre, kneeling with head bowed at BoShuis side while resisting the urge to look at him.

I should have stayed in my tent.

...You tricky mother fuckers.

The curtains in my mind come crashing down and the world is right once more. Im his brother, thats who. Maybe not by birth but close enough.

This world is savage and unforgiving, but I am who I am: a child of two worlds inhabiting a body with two minds.

No matter how absurd it might seem, I must remain true to myself. I stole this body, plain and simple, so I need to make things right. Ill give Baledagh a kick in the pants and get him back on track. Hell be Falling Rain and Ill be me, only in another body. Maybe something with bear arms or rocket cannons, who knows. Demons dont always inhabit people or beasts, so there must be a way to craft myself a body. Fuck the Spectres, they have no power over me.

The Spectres wail over their abject failure as I close them off from my mind, yet remain wary of their meddling. They gave me exactly what I wanted, or at least let me think I did. I had my brother back, my body in full control, and their influence gone. Hiding themselves in plain sight, their insidious whispers sank deep into my mind, hoping to guide my actions through guile and deceit. After enough darkness covered my soul, theyd reveal everything and force me to see the truth, dropping me into a pit of despair. What would happen if I gave up as well? Would Baledagh emerge, or would the Demons take over?

They care for nothing but pain and suffering, feeding on it, growing strong from it, and I cannot allow this to continue. I need to figure out how to truly be rid of them, but until I do, I need to be cautious and carefully examine every one of my actions. I know what I need to do.

The pyre burns down to nothingness before BoShui ends his vigil and we return to camp together. Parting ways, I head towards to the other side of camp, to a small tent tucked away in a corner so not as to disturb anyone. The guards make no action to stop me, the tent flap held aside to reveal Laughing Dragon, his flesh and organs laid bare while he still drew breath. His pleading eyes stare desperately from behind what remains of his eyelids, his ruined throat issuing indistinguishable groans. His peeled skin threatens to fall right off his body as he shudders and squirms, fighting to free himself from his restraints. At his side, Fungs nondescript torturer Fu Zhu Li stands with blade in hand, his clothes spotless as he greets me with a bow. Warrant Officer Rain, he drones in his bland, monotonous voice. This one is honoured by your presence. Are you here to watch the proceedings or take part?

Neither. Ignoring him, I speak to Laughing Dragon. By your own account, youve tortured and tormented countless people. What you suffer now is only a fraction of the suffering youve administered to others, without mercy or compassion. Many would believe your torture to be a balancing of scales, a justice of sorts. But, I add, I disagree. I realized something. Your suffering or mine, it matters not to the Father, so long as someone is suffering.

Laughing Dragons eyes widen as his frantically nods, his grunts and moans seeming to agree with me. He understands, he knows the Spectres want death and destruction, no matter the cost. Human nature makes their jobs easy, but Ill fight it wherever I can. Peace sings as it cuts through the air and slices through flesh and bone, decapitating the Defiled Warrior in a single slash, blood spraying across my face as relief splashes across his. With a flick of the blade, I return Peace to its sheath and stand, lost in thought.

Water and a towel, young hero. Taking my actions in stride, Fu Zhu Li presents me with a wash basin, his head still bowed. Taking the proffered cloth, I absently wipe away Laughing Dragons blood, wondering how the torturer feels about my actions. Sensing my thoughts, Zhu Li quirks his lips in a half-smile. Worry not young hero. So long as you are true to the young master, this servant holds no grudges. These skills were learned out of necessity, not pleasure.

At a loss for words, I merely nod and thank him for the towel. Somehow, that sours his smile, disapproving of my actions. Storming in to interrupt his work earns me a smile, but thanking him is frown-worthy. Ill never understand the people here. Marching out of the tent, I find myself walking upright, head held high despite my weariness, a weight lifted from my shoulders. Who cares about doing things the easy way. Ive never been one to shirk from a challenge. Everything will work out, Ill figure something out as I go. I mean, Ive been doing that since the second I got here, and Im still breathing, so I must be doing something right.

The moment my head touches the pillow, my worries melt away as I fall into blissful, guilt-free slumber.

Chapter Meme

- End of Volume 10 -