Chapter 206

Chapter 206

It takes a lot of hot water and hard scrubbing to get rid of all the dried blood plastered across my skin and hair, but the work leaves me clean and invigorated. Ive been intensely fixated on water lately, itching for a nice hot soak or a cool, refreshing plunge. I want to hold my head beneath the water and let the water wash away all my problems as I drift into oblivion. Its a little fucked up, Im terrified of dying and yet I cant stop romanticizing the closest brush with death Ive ever had.

Every time I think about my week-long journey through the lake, I never focus on the numbing cold or the desperate struggle for air, nor the fear and panic overwhelming me as I fought for the surface. Those minor details are unimportant when compared to the calm tranquility which followed. Suspended beneath the waters and staring up at the fading light, I finally felt like everything was right in the world, giving up my futile struggles and letting the current carry me away. In an instant, everything changed, so peaceful and warm, safety and serenity found at long last. No more worries, no more pain, nothing but an unspoken promise of rest and solace. I knew everything was gonna be all right, once I stopped fighting and let go.

...

I may have some serious mental issues.

Well, nothing to do but keep on keeping on, aside from developing a drinking/drug problem. Maybe I should go for a dip in the water and clear my head, remind myself how unpleasant drowning really is. This is Sanshu after all, cant go a kilometre in any direction without crossing a stream or river. In fact, theres one running west of the camp, where I assume Lin filled this basin. I bet the quins will go for a swim in the morning and it wouldnt hurt to join them. Their presence would keep me safe from aquatic predators, and I could use a proper scrub with soap and water.

Then again, its one thing for the giant bi-pedal otters to go for a swim, but quite another for Falling Rain, the Undying Savage. I need to remember my purpose here, to raise the reputation of the Bekhai, and I wont win points by splashing around naked in everybodys drinking water. Everyone else is doing their part, Mila, Rustram, and Huu performing admirably during the ambush. Of course, their efforts pale in comparison to Tenjin and Tursainais incredible display of strength. I have no idea why neither of them are taking point as the Bekhai front man or woman, leaving that job to my woefully under-qualified self. Ive seen several soldiers avert their gaze whenever the former Bannermen walk by. Im guessing theyre the same soldiers who were a little too forward with their stares and leers, but theyve got nothing to worry about. Tursinai loves the attention and Tenjin reaps the rewards, so if anything, theyre both a little gloomy about the lack of ogling. Whatever, at least theyre happy.

Anways, theyre both riding with Mila, so I have nothing to worry about. They're more than capable of keeping her safe. Well, safe as can be while riding through pitch-black darkness in search of Defiled. I shouldnt have let her go by herself, I should have gone with her or made her come back with me. Concern and hunger gnawing at my belly, I call Aurie over for a cuddle to soothe both our worries, my sweet kitten still wide-eyed and jumpy. In a rare display of grace and poise, he bounds to my side with an effortless leap, his chest rumbling in delight at the attention. What am I gonna do with you Aurie? You cant be a big ol scaredy cat all your life. Hes picking up all my worst traits. Maybe its time I teach you to hunt like your sister, you and Jimjam are old enough to help with the food bills.

Hearing his name, Jimjam flicks his ears and opens his eyes, curled up with the bear cubs by the fire. Seeing nothing for him to eat, he settles back down with a huff, annoyed at the interruption. Yea, my cats definitely need some discipline instilled into them. Mafu too, I didnt notice until we rode into camp, but he was the only quin who returned from our ride with a snack. So embarrassing, especially since he refuses to share, hissing at any quins who approach his prize, even warning Jimjam and the cubs away with his insistent chittering. Resource guarding is a big no-no, I cant have my quarter-ton killing machines fighting over food. Eyes half-closed in a mixture of exhaustion and delight, Mafus fat head droops as he gorges away at the carcass, eventually falling asleep mid-meal, with unchewed strips of meat hanging from his open mouth.

His ridiculous appearance brings a smile to my lips, though it quickly fades as he slides off the garo with a thump, rolling onto his side. Rushing over, I gently shake him to no effect, his breathing rough and pupils unresponsive as he lays limp as a noodle, his fat cheeks swelling even as I watch. Glancing around for help, I see Lin wandering over with a cooking kettle in her hands, her shoulders slumped and lips turned down as her two guards follow. Grab my healing kit, somethings wrong with Mafu.

Tilting her head, Lin smiles and shakes her head as she continues her approach. Dont worry hubby, hell be fine after a little nap. Placing the kettle next to Mafu, she pats his head, eliciting a grumbling snore. Hes so silly, garo meat is a little poisonous but he loves the taste. Its like how Daddy eats things so spicy it makes him tear up and sweat, ya?

Rummaging through her pack, she hands me a new shirt while reassuring me hell be fine. Stupid, greedy quin, making me all flustered and concerned over nothing. Tasking Pran and Saluk to dispose of the carcass, I sit with my comatose quin and bunny-eared betrothed, eating noodles straight from the kettle as Lins beaming smile eases away my worries. Pinching her cheek, I fake a scowl and mutter, Stop staring, youre making me all self-conscious.

My pleas fall on deaf ears as the Leader turns away again, like a petulant child ignoring the world. Unwilling to give up, I try a different tack. You wont fight, you wont speak, so how can you expect anything to change? Things wont get better just because you want them to. Akanai, Baatar, and Yuzhen all strive and struggle to improve the bigoted and intolerant attitude of the Empire, working to make a difference in the world. Youre as strong as them, maybe even stronger, but what good is strength with you hiding your head in the sand?

Her eyes quirk in a patient smile, her hands neatly folded over her knee, waiting in silence for several seconds. Angling her head, she feigns surprise and flutters her eyes, gesturing towards herself. Oh my, were you waiting for a response? My most sincere apologies, I was told the help is to be seen and not heard.

Fuck. I apologize for calling you the help, but my point still stands. Stop being petty, personal power isnt enough, not in a matter of this scale. You want half-beast lives to change for the better, and if ever there were a person who could make it so, its Yuzhen. Will her victory here end all prejudice against half-beasts overnight? No, but if she fails, her detractors will undoubtedly use it as an excuse to keep the status quo. If Yuzhen defeats this Defiled incursion and saves Sanshu, then maybe the next time someone finds an orphan in the woods with extra ears, theyll think twice before selling it into slavery or leaving it to die.

Shaking her head, her eyes are a mixture of sorrow and amusement. So hopelessly naive and foolishly optimistic, just like your Teacher. No wonder he dotes on you so. Know this, your mentors care little for the plight of half-beasts. They fight for personal glory, because their blood demands it. The younger one seeks bloodshed and the other, control. It is in their nature. Yuzhens appointment to Marshal will make no difference, assuming she even survives to claim the office. Mark my words Foundling, in a hundred years, while you lie old and feeble on your death bed, you will look out into the world and see that nothing has changed. Sighing, she waves away my rebuttal. Ive Sent word to your Bannermen. Upon their return, they will claim to have found a Defiled trail and the general location of their camp. What the Major does with this is no concern of mine, though it would be best if she cleansed these lands of Defiled filth so we might return home. I grow weary of this journey. Turning aside once more, she dismisses me without another word.

Clasping my hands in thanks, I wander back to sit with Lin and Aurie, watching as Mafu shudders back to life, nose twitching in search of his meal. Seeking me out for comfort, he buries his fat head in my arms while mourning the loss, still groggy and discomforted, but craving more. While waiting for Mila to return, I go over my conversation with the Leader, a little surprised at how insistent I became over this issue, and how much it hurt when she told me Akanai and Baatar arent fighting for the betterment of all half-beasts.

I guess I wanted more from my heroes, projecting my values and principles onto them. Theyre not the paragons of virtue Ive made them out to be, but it doesnt matter. Actions speak louder than words, and theyre out there fighting while Im here preaching and praying I dont have to get my hands dirty. I cannot in good conscience call myself Baatars Disciple or Akanais Grand-Disciple unless I do my part. Besides, regardless of their intentions, their actions help the half-beast cause. If I want them to do more, then I can hardly sit back and do nothing. How hard can it be? All Im trying to do is change thousands of years of ingrained racism, and maybe abolish slavery while Im at it.

Taking a deep breath, I take a mental step back and readjust my plans. Forget directly changing things like racism and slavery in my lifetime, its too much for one person. What I should do is alter peoples perceptions and expectations, make them believe change is necessary and let that build momentum. Many hands make light work, I only need to get the ball rolling. How though? Maybe start in Shen Huo, with Fung. Hes an appropriately dashing and heroic type, well connected and in the public eye. If he treats half-beasts and slaves well, then maybe itll start a trend. Can he pass laws? Thatd be way faster. Oh, Nian Zu might be another candidate, hes already rocking the boat by promoting Baatar, Im sure hed be willing to do more. I have no idea what though...

The Spectres laughter echoes through the void, quiet and subdued, but present. Catching myself before I get carried away, I lean back to stare at the night sky. What am I even doing? This is probably exactly what they want, for me to get in over my head until Im forced to turn to them for help. Maybe theyre even egging me on, setting me up to fail so they can swoop in while Im vulnerable. Hell, Im barely equipped to deal with my own problems, yet here I am trying to change the world. Its outrageous, delusional even. What happened to living a nice, quiet life in the mountains, with my lovely wives and many pets? Forget saving the world and ending slavery, its nothing but a pipe dream.

I'm no hero. I only want to save my little brother, and then myself, and live a nice, quiet life in the mountains.

The world will survive without me.

Or maybe it won't. Either way, I don't care.

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