Chapter 348

Chapter 348

Wow. What a crazy night. Oddly enough, not the worst wedding banquet Ive attended. At least the food was good, am I right?

My dry wit goes wholly unappreciated as my guests sit in shocked silence, staring at me like Ive sprouted a second head. I feel kinda bad for making them sit around while I ate, but in my defence, I forgot about them in all the excitement of almost dying and subsequent impromptu surgery. I suppose I couldve also put on clean pants and maybe even a shirt before addressing them, but Im too tired to walk and Ive learned my lesson about changing in public. Coughing to clear my throat, I clasp my hands and incline my head, following Yuzhens instructions to not bow or apologize. This has been a lovely evening in honour of my concubine Zheng Luo, but sadly all good things must end. Thankfully, tonights banquet must also end.

...

Proverbial crickets and dust bunnies. Cmon, that deserved a chuckle or at least a smile. Id also accept a tiny forceful exhale, not exactly a snort, but almost. Maybe theyre still miffed at being held prisoner on suspicion of murder. Yea thats probably it. Theres no other explanation. Im hilarious. Glancing at Yuzhen for help, she shrugs and Sends, Tell them they can leave, but be polite about it.

...How? God dammit, Im too tired for this diplomatic bullshit. Thank you all for coming. Goodbye now. Noticing their wary glances directed at the Death Corps, I wise up and add, Err, Death Corps, take five. My armoured slave soldiers shift ever so slightly, but continue holding their weapons at the ready, unsure what my command means. Uh... at ease? That does the trick, and as one, the Death Corps stamp their left foot down and plant the butt of their spears against the ground, standing with backs straight, head high, heels together, and about as far from relaxed as a person could be.

Whatever. Well work on it.

Once the issue the Death Corps is settled, the guests accept my dismissal with grace and aplomb. A good half of them even queue up to bid me farewell, starting with the unaffiliated bigwigs like Marshal Yo Jeong-Hun and two Major Generals whose names Ive forgotten. They all end with the same phrase, some variation of No need to see me off, which is great because I didnt intend to. Its all I can do to stand in place, smiling down at my guests from the stage. Id go down to be polite, but Ive embarrassed myself enough today, what with almost dying and whatnot. No need to add face-plant off the stage to my list of accomplishments.

...I cant believe I asked my poisoner for a bigger cup of poisoned tea. Or thought I had the flu. Martial Warriors dont get the flu. Get your head in the game, this is no time to be slacking off.

It takes the better part of half an hour to get rid of all the unwanted guests, leaving only my family, closest allies, and two hundred something slave soldiers with me in the courtyard. Even the servants and Sentinels are gone, having all been dismissed so we can chat in private. Gratefully collapsing to the ground, I smile as Mila settles down beside me, resting my head against her arm. Giving her freckled shoulder a light kiss, I Send, I love your dress. So boldand provocative, what with those bared, enticing thighs of yours. What say we find a private room and go break my hand?

Incorrigible pervert. Cheeks flushed from embarrassment, Mila tugs at her skirt in a futile effort at modesty. Pay attention, this is serious. You almost died.

Okay. Later though?

No. Hush now.Updated from novelbIn.(c)om

Disappointing, but probably for the best. I mean, this is technically my wedding night with another woman, though I dont intend to consummate it. Luo-Luo is gorgeous and all, but I love Lin and Mila. And Yan too, though Im still not sure what to do about her. Either way, I have no room for a fourth woman in my heart, especially not a stranger I dont entirely trust. It doesnt matter how beautiful she is or how perfect her skin looks, or how enormous, soft, and bouncy her breasts are...

Theres something profoundly disturbing about my psyche. Nothing turns me on more than a close brush with death. Tonights events better not awaken anything in me, the last thing I need is an auto-erotic asphyxiation fetish, or worse, self-mutilation.

Drifting in and out of consciousness, I listen in as Akanai, Baatar, Yuzhen and Nian Zu discuss their findings. According to Fu Zhu Li, who should add lead detective to his list of job titles, my poisoner was found dead, ironically of poison. A different poison, a fast acting one which turned his lips blue and irises yellow. Hmm... is it ironic if a poisoner dies of poison, or is it merely poetic? Anyways, the servant (whose name escapes me) worked for Nan Pings Magistrate (whose name I never asked for) for close to a decade. This doesnt mean the Magistrate was behind the attack, and if it were up to me, Id remove him from the list of suspects altogether. If the Magistrate wanted me dead, he wouldnt be dumb enough to use his own servant to do the deed. No, more likely, someones trying to implicate the Magistrate in all this. Unless thats what the Magistrate wants me to think so he used his own servant, because he knows Ill think someones trying to implicate him and therefore eliminate him from my pool of suspects...

Detective work is complicated...

Either way, everyone agrees that servants are easily bought and my poisoners death all but screams cats paw. He undoubtedly had accomplices, because its unlikely he pricked himself on the arm with a poisoned needle, got rid of said needle, then broke his legs and spine stuffing himself into a chest before dying. No eyewitnesses have stepped forward to point fingers, but Fu Zhu Li says hes confident someone or something will turn up soon. Hes still wearing the same clothes from earlier this evening and theyre squeaky clean, so Im sure his interrogations were of the non-torturing variety.

So far.

Um... How about we offer a reward? My first contribution to the meeting earns me a round of blank stares, and I can see them wondering if Ive suffered brain damage from lack of oxygen. Undeterred, I press on. You know... gold for information which leads to the identification and/or capture of the poisoners collaborators. Instead of torturing poor, probably innocent servants. Fu Zhu Li seems like a nice guy and is super humble and helpful, but I cant feel comfortable around a man with his particular set of skills. To a hammer, all problems are nails, so for a torturer...

After a short, uncomfortable silence, Yuzhen answers, We can consider it. Glancing at Baatar, they come to a silent agreement. The Legate awaits, but you cannot meet with him like this. Your people have arranged for fresh clothes and a hot bath inside, so go clean up and then Ill brief you on what to say.

Fucking hell. I get poisoned, gutted, and Healed, but the Legate still cant be bothered to come see me. No, I have to go to him. Ridiculous. Sounds good.

Its feels strange to seriously consider gifting a human being to another person...

After Fung and BoShui say their farewells and set off, Zian and Jing Fei stick around, their backs turned while I splash around in the tub to fill the awkward silence. After what feels like an eternity, I finally ask, So... did you have something you wanted to talk about?

Jing Fei answers for the both of them. No.

...Then why are you still here?

Turning around to flash me a murderous glare, Jing Fei snarls in fury. Because were waiting for you to ask.

Shes super hot when shes angry. She reminds me of a snake, so lithe and relaxed, yet ready to strike without warning. But a snake with large, perky breasts and luscious red lips...Ask what?

If I was the one who poisoned you. Crossing her arms, she puffs out her chest and tilts her nose to the sky, which does... interesting things to her boobs. I didnt, just so you know. If I wanted you dead, you wouldnt be here exposing yourself to a fair maiden like some vulgar old man.

Ah. I see... Well... Thanks for clearing things up.

Thats it? Grabbing the side of my tub, Jing Fei looms in what she thinks is a threatening manner, but offers me a wonderful view of her pale, perky breasts. You dont even want an Oath? You think so little of me, you didnt even consider I might have poisoned you?

Flipping over to hide my junk before it periscopes out to say hello, I shrug and answer, Well truth be told, the thought crossed my mind once or twice, but I trust Zian. Though not his mom or Jing Fei. Why are beautiful women so hard to trust? And why am I so turned on by it? Besides, Zian just asked for my help this afternoon, so itd be silly to have me killed. If I die, Baatar and Akanai would no longer have any reason to shelter him.

Once again, its blank stares all around. Self-conscious of their disbelief, I duck underwater to give my hair a good scrub, thankful I did once I find some crusted blood on the back of my head. Jebus, how much blood did I lose? When I emerge from the water, I find Zian and Jing Fei have been replaced by Gerel and Yuzhen, neither one looking pleased with my antics. You... Yuzhen starts, her hands moving to pinch my cheeks but stopping mid-way. You were right to hide your new status as an Imperial Consort, but did you have to keep it from us too?

Does no one care for the sanctity of the bath tub anymore? Why are these dividers even here? Might as well throw them all away and charge admission. I wasnt hiding it, not exactly. Hand me the towel please? Might as well get out, waters getting cold and Im too irked to keep meditating. The brisk night air has me shivering seconds after getting out of the tub, my scrawny frame completely lacking in fat to insulate me from the cold.

Wrapping the towel around my shoulders in an intimate and uncomfortable show of affection, Gerel asks, Then why hide it from Yuzhen?

The truth? With a sheepish shrug, I continue drying myself off and confess, I dont like how it sounds. Getting sick of all the blank stares, I continue explaining and hope theyll understand my logic. Imperial Consort makes me sound like Im someones kept man, a pet and plaything for a powerful woman. Its emasculating, so I kept quiet about it. Wait. Howd you know Im an Imperial Consort? Who let the cat out of the bag?

Exchanging glances and sighs, their displeasure and disappointment is evident. Shaking her head, Yuzhen asks, Rain... no one put your cats in bags. Moving on, do you understand what the title means? What benefits being an Imperial Consort provides?

Ugh, its so frustrating when my idioms dont translate well, it makes me sound like a gibbering buffoon. Yea, Im not an idiot. Thats the first thing I asked. Shit... What was it Mila said again? It means Im of Imperial Peerage without being beholden to Imperial politics. Big deal. That plus two coppers buys me a grilled skewer from the market. Maybe not even, they probably raised the prices, right?

I cant do this. Educate him, please. Throwing her hands up, Yuzhen stalks away in a huff, leaving me naked and alone with Gerel.

Handing me my new pants, Gerel chuckles and shakes his head. No matter, Rain, he says with a hard smack on my back. A warrior needs nothing but the sword in his hand and the courage to wield it. Leave politics to the politicians, yes? Besides, with your new status, theres not a person in North, South, or Central who would dare act on past grievances, much less complain about your manners. Youve ascended to lofty heights, a long way since we found you lost and scared in...Why is the turtle drinking your bathwater?

Well thats one mystery solved, but something tells me theres more to this Imperial Consort business than I thought.

...

I think its time to face facts: I may actually be an idiot.

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