Chapter 354

Chapter 354

If Ive learned one thing from my time with Ping-Ping, its that big girls have big poops.

Even then, I gotta say, Luo-Luo certainly surpassed expectations.

Still chuckling as I step out of the tent, I find Lin doubled over in silent laughter while Mila and Song watch on in mild disapproval. To be fair, it might just be Songs normal look, but for Mila, its definitely disapproving. Unlike Lin and Yan, Mila takes a dim view of poop jokes, which is her greatest flaw. More importantly, she puts on a tough front but underneath her frosty exterior, shes a sweet girl who empathizes with Luo-Luos humiliating ordeal. Glaring like this is somehow my fault, Mila asks, We didnt think youd be inside. Wheres the Guardian Turtle?

She went out for a swim. Ping-Pings been much less clingy after drinking my bathwater. Either it grossed her out or shes satisfied with my offering for the time being. Well find out after my next bath.

Never speak about what happened in there, Mila warns, her eyes promising swift justice should I disobey.

Unable to resist, I reply, Dont be jealous. We can poop together too if thats what you want. I told Luo-Luo its not really my thing, but for you... Ill do anything to make you happy, beloved.

With a forceful gasp, Lin signals for me to stop before burying her head in my robes, silencing her laughter to save Luo-Luo from further embarrassment. Giving in to Lins silent request and Milas fearsome, sexy scowl, I pantomime zipping my lips and throw away the key, mostly because Im worried that if I keep going, my little wifey will pass out from lack of air. In a playful mood, Aurie circles around us twice before popping up on his hind legs in hopes of a boop, and I happily oblige my affectionate runty kitten. Chest rumbling in delight, he flops onto his back and wriggles about in the grass, something he learned from Mafu. That might not be all Auries learned seeing as hes up and running about while his siblings are all still too bloated to move from last nights feast. Laying in their wagon, the bears and wildcats doze away while Mama Bun lords over them with Blackjack sitting between her ears. Off to the side, Roc perches on the wagon all by his lonesome with his flock nowhere in sight, his beak tucked beneath his wing in sadness.

Aww, did Rocs flock abandon him? And did Aurie learn how to digest food faster with Chi? You can purge poisons and alcohol, but speeding up digestion is much more complicated and Chi intensive, else I'd bulk up simply by eating more and stop lying to myself about how I love butter tea. For Aurie to pick it up so easily is rather impressive, which means my runty kitten might not be the runt for much longer.

After hiding for several minutes, Luo-Luo finally emerges from the tent, her face bright red and eyes averted, ready to burst into tears at the slightest provocation. It says something about me when my first instinct is to tease her, but Mila cuts me off with an angry huff punctuated by a pinch on the arm. Swallowing my comment about butt buddies and poop partners, instead I say, The Conference should be starting soon, so why dont we go take our seats?

Lord Husband, Luo-Luo begs leave to return to her yurt. This one is not feeling well.

Ha, after what happened in there, neither am I. The words slip out before anyone can stop me and even Lin shoots me a look of mild reproach, ruined by her valiant struggle to hold back her laughter. Going with the flow, I continue, Sorry. Joking. Why dont we go visit Teacher and see if he has something to help settle your stomach. Dont make a poop joke. Dont make a poop joke. Itd be a shame to miss the Conference and your insight might prove useful. Nice. Good Job.

Unsure if its because I made a good save or if her stomach is really troubling her that much, but Luo-Luo nods and falls in beside Song, still avoiding eye contact and staying as far from me as possible. Intent on collecting more boops, Aurie bounds over to say hello, but Luo-Luo whimpers and shies away at his approach. Unperturbed, he nuzzles Song and is rewarded with plenty of affection, while cunningly maneuvering his hindquarters towards Luo-Luo in hopes of getting a good butt-scritching. Unfortunately, Luo-Luo is too terrified by his floofy posterior to dare reach out and touch it, highlighting just how incompatible she is with our lifestyle.

Well... my lifestyle, but its sink or swim for her now. Poor girl, spurned, scared, and now sickly, its hard to see her as some sort of calculating spy after the horrific ordeal we just shared. I doubt she deliberately arranged it to garner my sympathy, but if so, then I admire her dedication to the craft and can only fall victim to whatever dastardly plan she has. I cant say if its better or worse that I didnt see anything, because now my imagination is free to run wild. I doubt Ill ever be able to look at her butt-hole without thinking about those gruesome, ghastly noises, which really limits the number of sexual positions we can use, though Im skipping a few steps and getting ahead of myself. Im still not entirely sure I like her, but regardless of how I feel, Im stuck with her, because her waifu bonus is too damn high to pass up on.

Thankfully, I dug that latrine real deep; our relationship wouldnt survive past noon if Id been hit by toilet splash-back, Imperial Peerage be damned.

It takes a full minute before Lin finally recovers from her fit of laughter, fanning herself with both hands as we walk. After taking several deep breaths, she grins and latches onto my arm. Hubby, she implores, her tone sugary-sweet, You hafta treat Luo-Luo better ya? You didnt even help her unpack and left all her things in the palanquin. Shes so pitiful, she spent all night with the roof open and only a light blanket to cover her.

Ah crap. Luo-Luo, I am so sorry. Ill have to apologize to Rustram too, because hes going under the bus. I asked Mister Rustram to see to your needs, but I suppose he forgot. Its not entirely his fault, Mom asked him to stay for a training session after the banquet. Which is why I forgot to tell him to take care of Luo-Luo like Id planned. Curse those adorable quins! He must have been exhausted by the time he got back to camp, he even missed our morning meeting.

Mister Rustram had another training session with Sister-in-Law Sarnai. Of all people, Song speaks up in Rustrams defence, but other than offering an excuse for his absence, she has nothing more to add.

Aww, shes becoming more social. Good for her. I guess I need to have a chat with Mom about monopolizing my second-in-command. I cant have him gone at all hours of the day, I need him here running things. Can you imagine what would happen if I put Bulat in charge? The retinue would riot after he cheats them out all their wages in some crooked game or fixed bet. Im only half joking, but I dont have any other choices. Dastans management skills are atrocious and it only gets worse from there. The most reasonable candidate would be Neera, a surprisingly organized, no-nonsense sort of woman. What she lacks in book smarts, she makes up for with hard work, formidable personal strength, and a ridiculously intimidating husband.

In fact, it might be worth it to put her in charge of purchases just to see what Ulfsaar does to the first merchant who short-changes his wife...

You rely too much on Mister Rustram, Mila interjects, looking lovely as she scowls in the morning light. Not only must he keep the camp orderly, he also handles the retinues expenses, your personal finances, and whatever else you can come up with. Its no wonder his strength never improves, you leave him no time to train.

Mister Rustram has improved. Song defends Rustram a second time, which I find intriguing. Ive never heard her defend anyone, not verbally at least. Not by much, she adds with a slight shrug, but he has improved.

My mistake. Mila also notices Songs out of character behaviour, but like me, she decides to leave it be. Hes improved, but he would improve more if he had time to focus on his Martial Dao.

Ugh, theres that word again. Dao. Boo. Hiss. I dont understand it, so I hates it.

Oh I know! Tugging at my arm, Lin says, Hubby, you owe Luo-Luo for her dowry, ya? So why dont you have her handle all the finances and pay her with a half-stake in your business? Then Roo-Roo will have more time to practice and Luo-Luo will have coin to hire maids and buy stuff. You should still give her blankets though, and show her how to close the roof. Giggling, she adds, And give her a chamber pot too.

While my wifey howls with laughter and Luo-Luo tries to will herself invisible, I turn to Song in disbelief. You couldnt leave her the chamber pot? Were you worried the one in Milas yurt would fill up too fast or what?

A quiet sniffle draws me out of my imagination and I turn to find Luo-Luo quietly crying at my side. Oh for fucks sake... Patting her arm, I awkwardly utter, There, there. Nothing to cry about. Things happen. Well laugh about it together someday soon. Probably. Maybe.

Wiping her tears, Luo-Luo shakes her head and fakes a smile. This one is sorry for causing a scene and again, begs leave to return to her yurt.

Idiot. Curt and succinct as always, Mila explains, Shes crying because you dont trust her.

Oh. ...Well, yea. Why would I? We just met her yesterday.

Meekly nodding, Luo-Luo speaks in my defence, forestalling Milas scathing reply. Lord Husband is right to distrust this one, for she was a gift from his Patron. No member of the Imperial Clan does anything without an agenda, much less one with a title formidable as Shen Zhenwu. While this one has no specific advice for dealing with Lord Husbands Patron, she cautions Lord Husband to think carefully before placing his trust in any Imperial Noble, for once you are within ones grasp, true freedom will forever be beyond your reach.

Is this genuine advice, or just a ploy to get into my good graces? Circles within circles, Im no good at this spy-craft business, but Luo-Luo can read me like a book. Bowing her head, she adds, Know this: should Lord Husband fall from grace, Luo-Luo falls with him, but the reverse is also true. Thus this one offers counsel in good faith, hoping Lord Husband will Ascend into the Heavens like the dragon he is.

Quickly checking with Mila and Song through a Sending chain, we agree to divulge some information, but not everything. While what Luo-Luo says makes sense, theres no need to give away all my secrets on the second day. For both our sakes. Pretty sure shed go running for the hills if I told her I used to be Defiled and was cleansed by a Tear of the Mother, much less any of the other crazy shenanigans Ive been up to.

Pointing at Sir Inky, I begin explaining. See, I have a... Talent, which lets me convey emotions to animals and people. Sort of true, I guess. Im trying to use it to tame the octopus, but its not reacting like most animals do.

Without touching on why we need Sir Inky or how my Talent works, Luo-Luo asks a few questions which cut to the heart of the issue before requesting I show her what my Talent feels like. The moment my Loving Aura touches her, she utters a small, sexy gasp before clapping a hand over her mouth, her cheeks flushed and breathing rushed as she looks at me in a new light. Hesitating to speak, her face turns even redder than before, a feat I wasnt sure was even humanly possible. Instead of speaking out loud, she instead whispers something to Mila, who immediately barks with laughter. Fixing me with a wicked grin, Mila passes the information on to Lin and Taduk through Sending, who both react in similar fashion.

I dont know whats happening here, but I dont like it...

Removing the bowl sitting on top of his head, Taduk places it aside and hops into range of Sir Inkys flailing tentacles. To my great surprise, Sir Inky merely inspects Taduks body with a few grasping touches before shoving him aside, apparently only interested in thrashing me. With a goofy, toothy smile, Taduk clasps his hands behind his back and holds his head up with pride, standing beside the angry octopus unharmed and unmolested. By the Mother, I think shes right.

My turn! Giggling in delight, Lin runs into the storm of tendrils with identical results. Giggling in delight, Lin pokes Sir Inkys head through the tiny crack and marvels at his tough, rubbery skin, yet still remains completely ignored. Your turn Rainy.

Oh no. I think I figured it out too, only... Do I have to?

Of course. How else will we know, yes?

Of course. How else will we know, ya?

Father and daughter answer in concert, wearing identical delighted grins and knowing exactly whats about to happen. Resigned to my fate, I brace myself and step into Sirs Inkys range. A cold, slimy tentacle grabs hold of my shirt and pulls me close while his other fish-stinking appendages wrap around my head. The powerful suction cups adhere to my skin and I feel the blood rushing to my face as Sir Inkys tentacles pull in multiple directions at once in an effort to wrench my head off, or more likely, hold me in place while his last, free tentacle flops around my hair and face, probing for... something.

And then, just like that, Sir Inky goes limp and ceases his struggle, though his arms are still stuck to my skin in a painful, adhesive embrace.

God dammit. I shouldve seen this coming.

Freeing myself one painful pop at a time, I hold back my tears while ignoring the hidden smiles and muffled laughter. Shoving Sir Inky back into the tub, I seal it off and vow to kill a thousand, nay, a million octopuses as revenge for this disgrace, plotting my octopus genocide in cold, furious silence. Taduks warm Chi heals away the bruises and suction marks to remove all evidence of my struggle, but nothing will ever wash away the shame and humiliation I suffered through.

Turns out, my loving Aura wasnt making Sir Inks-a-lot angry.

It made him horny.

...

I, Falling Rain, Number one Talent of the Empire, the Undying Savage and Unrivalled Beneath Heaven, was just sexually assaulted by an octopus.

For the second time.

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