Chapter 389

Chapter 389

Most days, I have no issues waking up on time, but rather the bigger problem is falling asleep and staying asleep. The moment I lie down or have nothing to do, my brain fixates on one of three things: things already going wrong, things which could go wrong, and things I have yet to realize have gone or could go wrong. Sometimes, its helpful and I come up with a brilliant solution to ease my worries before moving on to the next problem, but most of the time, its an unhealthy obsession over things I cant control or are unlikely to happen. Lately, Ive been particularly engrossed in imagining what would happen if bugs learned how to use Chi and turned into hive-minded monstrosities hell-bent on scouring humanity from existence.

Rename my retinue to the Roughnecks and tell everyone to aim for the nerve stem is the answer I came up with. I have no idea what any of it means or why it makes me smile, but theres nothing I can do about the senseless memories lingering in the back of my mind.

When sheer exhaustion overcomes crippling anxiety and I finally fall asleep, then it becomes time to deal with the inevitable nightmares. Whether Im battling the shades of my victims in the darkness of the void, or stalked by an unseen predator whom I cannot escape, or back in the slave pens with Gortan tormenting me, it always ends the same way. I come awake with a start, my mouth dry and blankets damp with cold sweat, heart pumping and chest heaving as I try to make sense of my quickly fading dreams. Usually, this boils down to about four or five hours of sleep a night, and for years, I was fine with it, but lately, Ive been feeling more exhausted than normal. Naps and chronic masturbation werent helping the issue, and Ive always been leery of taking medication to help me sleep, partially because its too effective and you never know when youll need to be alert in the middle of the night, but also because I know myself and dont want to add drug addiction to my long list of character flaws.

But thats all in the past. After last nights incredible events and my pillow-side confession, I experienced the best sleep Ive ever had since coming to this world. Turns out, the solution to my sleeping problems was simple and effective.

I needed to get laid.

It sounds crude to say it like that, especially since theres so much more to it than sex. It wasnt about the physical release else trusty old lefty wouldve cured all which ails me years ago. Last night with Yan was more than merely sex. We started as two individuals yearning for one another, but as the night wore on, we tore down the barriers between us and forged a connection, one stronger than I ever believed possible. Amidst the heat of our flesh and the cadence of our moans, we made ourselves vulnerable and shared our most intimate sides, a surreal experience which made all my trips to the Golden Swan Pavilion seem empty and meaningless in comparison. Ive had sex before, but Ive never made love, not until yesterday.

Still deep in the throes of restful relaxation, I yawn and stretch in the warm comfort of bed, so tranquil and carefree Im at risk of falling asleep once again. Only a constant, steady beat of water sloshing around keeps me from drifting off, as the sound fills me with a vague sense of unease for reasons I cant explain. Chalking it up to pressing bodily needs, I put off emptying my bladder and starting the day in favour of languid idleness, hugging my pillow close to savour the lingering scent of my absent lover.

Ha. My lover, Yan. It sounds so deliciously sordid when I say it like that. Lover.

Theres a small part of my brain dying in embarrassment from my goofy and somewhat cringy thought process, but for once, Im too happy to care because I just had sex, and it felt soooooooo good! Im clear-headed and carefree for the first time in years and it feels right, like Im finally who Im supposed to be instead of pretending to be someone Im not. Theres still so much I have to get off my chest, like Baledagh and (maybe) my questionable origins, but Ive decided to tell her all (most?) of my secrets, and its liberating.

This is me, this is my life, and things are going great.

Well, lets be realistic. Things are going okay. I mean, the sex was amazing and kicks things up a few levels, but it doesnt change the fact that Mahakala died and Ive incurred the Legates displeasure. Seriously, the ego on his Imperial Highness, getting his panties twisted out of shape because Im not tripping over myself trying to kiss his royal ass. On one hand, I understand he was probably born with a silver spoon in his mouth and has come to expect the adoration of the masses, but he should learn how to deal with disappointment. Life doesnt always work out the way youd expect, and if Shen ZhenWu orders a killing spree every time someone doesnt fall in line, hes gonna have a bad time.

Or maybe not. Maybe it all works out for him because lifes not fair and hes blessed by the Heavens, the lucky bastard...

Whatever, dont let it spoil your mood. How easy his life is has nothing to do with you. Things are looking up, and youve got plenty to be happy about, so enjoy the moment while it lasts. Not long, since that stupid water noise is making you need to piss. Slosh, slosh, slosh, slosh, what the hell is making that sound? Its not a leak because you dont have running water, and while it kinda sounds like the rabbits are drinking, you didnt leave anything out for them to...

Oh no...

No, no, no...

Not like this... Not like this.

My fears are confirmed as I open my eyes and find my bunbuns converged in an adorable mosh pit, pushing and shoving in a desperate effort to slake their ravenous morning thirst, their tongues working with reckless fury to create the ominous din which disturbed my slumber. Theres nothing wrong with them having a drink, except I didnt leave water out for them to drink. Besides my washbasin, which sits empty atop my dresser, the only other source of water my bunbuns could drink from is Pong Pongs poop pan.

Which is exactly what theyre doing.

Stoooooppppp! My wretched, high-pitched shriek does nothing to dissuade the bunbuns from their voracious, poop eating ways, and in my haste to stop them I forget my bodys current state of disrepair. Putting all my bodys weight onto the raw, tender stump of my foot, I let loose with a choked screech as I fall face first into the floor. To compound my misery, in order to break my fall, I smash the stump of my wrist against the bamboo mats and my vision goes dark as the pain overwhelms my consciousness.

This slave is designated Yellow One.

This slave is designated Orange One.

...Uh, okay, but what are your names?

Blinking in confusion, the four leaders trade glances before Red One responds, This slave has no name.

A measure to dehumanize them, I suppose, which is both pragmatic and depressing. The rest are named in similar fashion? Four units of ninety soldiers each?

Yes, Great One.

Luo-Luo told me all this on the first day we met, but I put no thought into. The Death Corps have no officers, so Ill have to supply ten Lieutenants and one Captain to complete each one-hundred man unit. At least Ill finally have something to keep Bulat and Ravil occupied, I always feel uneasy when I see them sitting idle. As for the other two Captains... Well, Ill figure it out later.

Running my hand through my hair reminds me I could really use a bath, so I try and hurry this along. Well, its nice to meet you all. Like I said when we first met, youre all members of my retinue, which means well be fighting alongside one another soon enough. As youve already seen, my style of command is rather laid back, so theres no need for any of you to be on edge. Also, Id prefer you use my name, or if you insist on protocol, then you may refer to me as boss or by rank. For now, bring your comrades to find Bulat and Ravil and inform them they are to be your Captains and responsible for integrating the Death Corps into the retinue. Ill provide two more officers after thinking things through.

Yes, Imperial Consort.

Fuck. That wasnt the rank I mean, but its so heartening to see their spirits lift from these orders, I cant bring myself to correct them. It still bums me out to order slaves around, because like they said, they literally live to serve. Seeing as theyre still standing around, I realize theyre waiting for me to dismiss them, so I throw another request their way. On your way over, could you also tell Alsantset, the half-tiger lady by the campfire there, that I need a bath prepared? Dont order her to prepare one, shes not a slave or a servant, just... kindly inform her I requested she ask someone to help draw me a bath. This is difficult. You know what, tell her I need to speak with her. Actually, no forget it, Ill shout. Its fine.

The last thing I need is for my scary older sister to think Im giving her orders.

Perhaps emboldened by how Ive treated them, Red One hesitates briefly before offering yet another salute. If it pleases Imperial Consort, this slave requests permission to draw Great Ones bath and tend to his needs. Each member of the Death Corps is well-versed in attending to whatever needs Great One has, for in times of battle, servants are often in short supply. Well... thats... useful. Would I be a horrible person if I accepted their help? I mean, he looks so scared and eager, its almost heartbreaking. As if sensing my wavering resolve, Red One leans closer and whispers, Whatever needs.

Oh. Thats less adorable.

Since itd just be soldiers filling my bath regardless, I shake my head and smile. Err, well if you dont mind, then yes, please prepare a bath. Just the bath, mind you. A small one will do, and a screen so Im not scrubbing down in front of the entire camp.

Yes Imperial Consort.

I regret this already. Whatever, I need to wash the turtle shit out of my hair and get to Healing my foot and hand, not to mention talk to Mila and Lin about my fun times with Yan. Dismissed. As they march away with a spring in their step, I question if Im doing the right thing or if Im doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. Id love nothing more than to free them from the chains of slavery, but even if I could, I dont think itd be a smart move. I need soldiers and while they may be slaves, the Death Corps rank among some of the finest soldiers in the Empire. Regardless, I cant tell them how to live their lives, so if theyre happy with a little purpose and direction, then who am I to deny it to them? All I can do is treat them like any other soldier and try to see past their unfortunate status. Theyre slaves. It sucks, but without a systemic, ideological shift in the way the people of the Empire think, there will always be slaves, and Ill have to live with it.

A wise man once said, Be the change you want to see, and if that doesnt work, then nuke the shit out of everyone.

...That doesnt sound right, but I dont know enough to dispute it.

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