Chapter 586

Chapter 586

You heard right, my friend, this beet sugar was locally produced and is currently priced at one-tenth the cost of honey, and one quarter the cost of cane sugar. Theres a sample in your gift bag, among other things, as well as instructions on how to make a purchase if you so desire it. Impersonal I know, but necessity demands it, as this is my wedding banquet after all.

Correct, good sir. We will be auctioning War Bonds in three days, provided the Master of Coins Seal arrives in good condition. If you are interested in learning more, there is a pamphlet outlining the pertinent details inside your gift bag, alongside various other small gifts to thank you for your attendance.

Debt? No, you are gravely mistaken. War Bonds are no debt. Would you consider wages paid to farm hands before the harvest a debt? No, of course not, it is an investment which has yet to be realized, and the same too goes for War Bonds. Simply put, they are an investment into the safety and well-being of the Empire.

Our brave Martial Warriors are giving it their all battling the Defiled on the front lines, so we mortal men and women must also do our part, and War Bonds are a means to do so. This is personal for me, as I can no longer contribute through strength of arm, and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to help the noble patriots of the Empire contribute as well.

Yes, only five-hundred War Bonds, but we wont be auctioning all of them off. Ive already purchased the first hundred and invested close to one-million gold out of my own pocket, so there will only be four-hundred War Bonds going into circulation for this first batch. True, five million gold is a laughable sum in the grand scheme of things, but many hands make light work and every copper counts. Whats more, much like how one Warrior guides the spear and one General guides an army, we will now have one mind guiding these funds in a concentrated effort to better the Empire.

No need for compensation? I highly disagree. Those who care not for the interest are free to bid higher than the expected return, but it is only right that War Bonds should promise some profit. Do Martial Warriors not draw a salary? This is far from comparable, for it is dead gold rather than living blood, but purchasing a War Bond still requires some small sacrifice on our part, since you may or may not be able to invest the coin better on your own, and War Bonds are not a venture entirely without risk. Minimal risk, of course, as the investment is backed by the Empire, so Ill say no more.

Directing my latest guest to collect their gift bag, I take a moment to massage my jaw before signalling Kuang Biao to let the next guests through and Send me everything I need to know about them. All this fake smiling and enthusiastic pitching makes me feel like a slimy salesman trying to unload trash onto unsuspecting idiots. Make no mistake, it turns out Im a damned good salesman, but I shouldnt need to sell War Bonds. Theyre a legitimate investment tool, one which is not only economically and financially viable, but also backed by the Empire itself. So long as the Defiled dont raze the Empire to the ground, the investment will be realized one year from date of sale, but everyone expects it to be a scam and is trying to figure out my angle. Problem is, I dont have an angle, because theres no scam and no need to pull the wool over their eyes, which for some idiotic reason makes everyone uncomfortable. Its like Im speaking in a foreign language, one they have a tenuous grasp of at best, because they dont understand why I would work so hard to take their money at no benefit to myself.

Well... some small benefit. Okay, a huge benefit, but Im not taking their money. Ill just be using it for my own purposes, which coincide with the betterment of the Empire for all its citizens, and not just the wealthy bourgeois. Honestly, it would probably be easier to actually scam these rich idiots. All Id have to do is set up a pyramid scheme and collect a nominal fee for myself, and I could be richer than rich by next week, but nooo, I just had to be fiscally responsible and try to actually make things better. No one believes me when I tell the truth, and I know this because no one has asked me how I intend to spend the War Bond money. That would literally give the game away, because Id have to honestly tell them, but even the Legate hasnt said anything about the money, because he, like everyone else, assumes Ill be pocketing the coin, at which point he will swoop in for his cut.

I doubt hell be happy to learn what I have planned, but I firmly believe it is always easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission. Besides, by the time it becomes an issue, Ill have already announced my plans and set the precedent, so even if he doesnt like it, theres nothing he can do besides kill me, which I hope he wont because Ill have proved myself of value.

Theres little time to dwell on my mortality, because its only three in the afternoon and there are still plenty of guests to greet, and the questions come hard and fast here at the entrance to my banquet venue. Technically, the flower archway isnt really an entrance, seeing how the venue is actually just the park next to Dads manor. There are no walls to speak of and the two-thousand plus invited guests are free to come and go as they please, but manners demand I greet the guests as they enter, so here I stand at this arbitrary end of the field. Not alone, since I have Mama Bun hugging my leg like clingy, needy baby bun, and Aurie drops in every now and then to check how Im doing, before running back to partake in the festivities. Theres also my ever present army of Death Corps Guards, as well as todays special addition, a cadre of clerks cataloguing my many wedding gifts, so I can keep track of who gifted what, where to send thank you notes, and how I should reciprocate if invited to a wedding by my guests in the future. Monk Happy is also standing directly behind me in full monk regalia, but unlike Mahakala, who sort of loomed in place chanting Sutras, Happy is much more open to approaching my guests to preach about Nirvana and the eight-fold path, which ensures they dont linger around to bother me with more questions after theyve picked up their gift bags.

I like Happy. Hes good people, but hes not much fun to debate, always shutting down the conversation just when things get interesting...

The tepid response from my guests is a little disheartening though. Ive been pushing beet sugar all day and no one seems to care, not here at the banquet at least. The civilians went crazy for it when they found out I was handing out free samples alongside the food and red pockets, which I guess makes sense. Rich people have access to honey and cane sugar, so beet sugar must seem beneath them. My mistake there, as I couldve saved money by not giving free samples of cheap sugar to rich people who arent my target market, but live and learn. On the plus side, Ive already made a decent amount of money supplying beet sugar to restaurants, so now that were ready to sell to individual households, Ive got yet another massive stream of revenue incoming. Hell, maybe this time I can even keep it for myself, instead of spending it all right away, even if it was for a good cause.

Side note: I really should come up with a better way to hand out free stuff, because tossing it out into crowds isnt the best solution. Im thinking like household delivery or personalized packages for people to pick up, but that would take more organization and information, which will hopefully come when your average Joe can read, write, and fill out census forms.

Yep. Thats the dream. Widespread literacy to enable additional bureaucracy.

...

This new dream sucks. I want my fucking bear hands!

Speaking of hands, I really gotta hand it to Mom and the party planning committee. They did an incredible job arranging all this in minimal time, and it looks amazing. Rather than individual tables, I convinced Luo-Luo to accept round group tables, which saves on the cost of buying thousands of single tables and matching chairs, while also allowing me to group my enemies with their enemies who are not also my friends. It makes for marvellous drama, seeing people who hate me turn their hatred on someone else, and I got to use the money saved to buy clear glass centrepieces for each table. I wanted to show off my newest invention, but I think this was another miss. I couldnt find anyone to make glass sculptures, so I had to settle on ugly and shockingly expensive glass jars to hold flowers in, meaning theyre nothing more than a novel extravagance.

Still, theres something immensely satisfying about how round tables are neatly arranged in long rows, with plenty of space between them for flowers, ornaments, sculptures and other beautiful pieces of artwork, several of which were crafted by Monk Happy himself. Then theres the livery, uniforms for the servants designed by Eun based on my suggestions, plain, unmarked shirts in a dark-green cotton, and dark, flowing pants to help them blend into the background, as well as a grey half-apron and matching neck scarf tied off like a modern tie. Dont know why I feel so proud about this, but I do, because theres been a lot of chatter about the servants uniforms and how businesslike they look.

Or I end up on a funeral pyre thanks to happy-fun-times gone wrong...

Wrapping up our conversation by promising to send him all the information I have, I step back and wait for Rang Min to present me my gift. Inclining his head to the exact degree of required respect, the Situ Patriarch hands me a wooden lattice box with both hands. When searching for a wedding gift, I recalled Minister Falling Rains love of animals, he says with a smarmy smile. Inside you will find a wondrous creature which is rarely seen, but I should warn Minister Falling Rain that its bite is most deadly, even to Martial Warriors, so handle the beast carefully.

Oh... you... really shouldnt have. Ive been saying this all day, and while I meant it a few times, this time I really, really, really mean it. Every primal instinct I have is screaming at me to throw the box away, because while the lattice framework lets air in so the creature wont suffocate, it also lets in light and I can see the beast peering out. Hear it too, as it hisses in warning, with yellow, serpentine eyes glaring furiously in my direction. Thank you for this thoughtful gift. Please accept this gift bag as a token of my thanks...

Gingerly placing the snake-in-a-box down on the table of gifts, I stare at the little beastie in mild distress. Seriously, I thought everyone was going to gift me with floofs, and I was both dreading and looking forward to having pet rhinos, elephants, red pandas, and other exotic tamed beasts, but were more than halfway through the guest list and this stupid snake is the only pet Ive been gifted so far. Worst of all, it came from my greatest enemy, which means the little snake is probably angry and starving to boot. Oh god, am I going to have to feed it live rodents? I cant do that! Maybe it eats eggs or something, because if not, then this little gift is going to become one real spicy danger noodle for Roc to chow down on.

I guess its true. Your enemies really know you best. Still though... snake. Whyd it have to be a snake?

The rest of the afternoon flies by as I welcome my friends and enemies alike, but there are no more pets to be had. All the gifts are boring things like art, armour, tea, and incense, which undoubtedly cost a fortune when put together, which I will invariably pay back through some means or another. There are plenty of questions regarding War Bonds, and Ive gifted a fair number of them myself, though they technically have no value until I stamp them with the Minister of Coins new Seal. Still no questions about what I intend to do with the money though, not even from the Marshals, which just goes to show how different this world really is.

A public servant who actually wants to serve the public is a foreign concept. Ridiculous.

Last to enter as always is the Imperial Legate, looking all high and mighty atop his stupid palanquin. His gift is actually really nice, a Runic bangle meant to enhance ones skill with Lightening and Cloud-Stepping. While not exactly useful for me, Taduk will get a real kick out of studying the piece, as hes been yearning to study Imperial Runic craftsmanship for some time now. When hes done with it, Ill talk to Mila and see if shes okay with gifting the Runic Bangle to Lin-Lin, so she has a reason to keep practising her Martial Skills. My sweet wifey is great at Lightening, but Ive never seen her practice anything else, which is fine since she doesnt want to fight, but I would like her to have some means of self-defence, even if it is just a method to run away.

With the Legate seated on his raised dais behind my massive table, I stand by with Mama Bun to welcome my family on stage, arriving by seniority in their family units. Akanai, Husolt, and Song are first, followed by Taduk and Lin-Lin, but only because Grandpa Du insisted on coming in behind the Medical Saint. Yan struts out beside her beloved Grandpa and adopted brother, followed by my parents, who look as proud as can be, accompanied by Luo-Luo looking suitably subdued. Then comes Alsantset, Charok, and the twins who all greet me with a group hug, and the crowd falls silent in anticipation of the star of tonights show.

And my wife does not disappoint. No longer does the beaded veil hide her adorably freckled expression, for this is the big reveal, and the sight of her radiant smile fills my heart with peace and is a memory I will cherish for the rest of my days. The stress from this past week simply melts from my bones as she makes her way over to me, so beautiful and dazzling, confident and capable. Mila is queen and goddess, wife and companion, rival and idol, and so much more. As she reaches my side, we lock eyes and her smile brightens even more, a feat I would have said was impossible only seconds before. Dear husband, she whispers, taking my hand. I do believe you are drooling.

Cant help it, dear wife. Raising both her hands to my lips, I hear an audible gasp behind me as the audience is shocked by the scandal of this public display of affection, but I dont care. They dont matter. Nothing does, not right now, nothing besides Milas beautiful smile. To simply call you beautiful is a disservice, but I lack the words to describe you. You are the sun in my sky, the air that I breathe, the rain on my skin and the ground beneath my feet. I love you, Sumila, my wife, my beloved, and I promise to spend the rest of my days proving it.

With that said, I bring my wife to greet the Legate, before introducing her to the crowd, as Sumila of the People, Wife of Falling Rain, and Expert of the Empire.

And for the rest of the night, I pay no mind the unimportant details of dangerous gifts or Defiled schemes, impending complications or Imperial plots, and even my broken Core or inner anguish. Instead, I eat, drink, laugh, and make merry while enjoying this beautiful, festive wedding, and look forward to spending the rest of my life with this beautiful, amazing woman at my side.

As long as I have Mila, I can handle anything this shitty world throws at me...

This feeling lasts throughout the entire banquet and right up until we return to our borrowed manor, a gift from both our parents which sits close to my old home. Drunk with lust for my blushing bride, I can barely keep up as she drags me into our bedroom, at which point my mistaken sense of invincibility is crushed underfoot by the monstrous steel contraption awaiting our arrival, a twisted, foreboding torture device which looks like it sprung fully formed from the stuff of nightmares.

So... I guess this behemoth is what Mila conjured up to keep me safe on our wedding night, but as I gaze upon the multitude of chains, shackles, restraints, and clamps, I am far from reassured.

Opening my mouth to give voice to my concerns, the words die in my throat as I turn to find my beautiful wife standing with her silken dress in a pile around her ankles while she looks away with a shy, beguiling expression, both eager and hesitant at once.

...You know what? Ive lived a long and rewarding life. No regrets.

Chapter Meme