Chapter 598

Chapter 598

As someone who has experienced more than my fair share of grief, let me just say that there is no normal way to grieve.

Its perfectly natural to grieve, because thats how we respond to loss. Losing your health, your hair, your job, your financial stability, almost anything can trigger the grieving process, and its totally normal. For example, Ive been grieving the loss of my Core and Spiritual Weapons for almost a year now, and Alsantset is still grieving the loss of her home in the village. Mom grieves the loss of her youth, and Grandpa Du is inconsolable over losing Yan, despite living with us in our manor and seeing her everyday. Grief is unavoidable, but what makes it particularly difficult to deal with is that every loss affects you differently. The loss of a beloved friend isnt the same as losing a close subordinate, nor is losing a job the same as losing a home, and because of this, there can be no normal when it comes to grief. This isnt the same as saying theres no right way to grieve, but whats right for one person and situation might not be right for another. Much like the Martial Path, we must all forge our own way through grief, though its always nice to have support to fall back on.

As for me, Ive had eight years to grieve the loss of my former life, and I still havent come to terms with my new circumstances. So while I have plenty of experience with grief, Im hardly an expert on the subject matter, the same way being an alcoholic doesnt qualify you as a sommelier.

I dont understand, I hear myself say, standing over Guan Suos corpse and feeling as if Im no longer in control of anything. How can he be dead? Hes an Ancestral Beast, a Divinity, a powerful Warrior standing at the pinnacle of Martial might...

Stupid question, but Dad takes it in stride. Death comes for us all, he says, drawing me into his embrace, and though my first instinct is to pull away out of pique, I instead lean in against him. But your friend has gone into the Mothers warm embrace, and will eventually emerge a new person to experience the cycle of reincarnation once more. Such is life, trials and tribulations without end, but take solace, for Guan Suo has found... respite.

Reincarnation. Even knowing its real and possible is no comfort as I come to grips with the truth, because Guan Suos death sits squarely on my shoulders. He didnt want this, never wanted to be a part of the war effort, but I forced his hand. Not on purpose, but it was still my fault, because if it wasnt for me, hed be back in the outskirts of Ping Yao and living the quiet life with Ping Ping, instead of lying here dead in the grass at her feet. Yes, he was a Divinity and could make his own decisions, but at Sinuji, he stepped out to protect me, to protect Ping Ping, to protect the soldiers of the Empire, and for this, he paid the ultimate price.

What makes things so much worse is how utterly miserable the big girl looks as she stands utterly still over him, her arms cradled and eyes lowered onto her old friends body as if she too cannot accept his death and is waiting for him to wake. It breaks my heart to see her in such distress, but theres nothing I can say or do to ease her pain. Truth be told, I dont think Im doing much better than she is. I keep watching Guan Suo and waiting for him to open his eyes and tell me to quit gawking or demand something to eat, but I know he never will. There is a stillness in death that cannot be overlooked, no matter how much you might wish to, if only to give yourself a sense of false hope.

Mom quietly asks me to send my Death Corps away with orders to secure the park perimeter and keep all unrelated persons away. I comply without question because it gives me something to do besides fixate on this loss. When thats done, I return to find a growing crowd gathered around Ping Ping, and take my place at the front with Rustram and Sai Chou on my left, Mila, Song and their parents on my right, and my parents staunchly standing behind me. Other members of the Protectorate close in around us, though it shames me to admit I dont know their names or even recognize their faces. Sai Chou wordlessly greets each of them in turn as they take their place for this impromptu wake, and its all I can do to remain standing as the truth rears its ugly head.

Guan Suo is dead, and I didnt even get to say goodbye. We werent the closest friends, but we were friends, and Id gotten so used to having him around, even when I didnt know where he was. Most days, the only indication Id get of his presence was when Id look down at my plate and find some food missing, which I always thought was both aggravating and adorable. He couldnt just sit down for dinner with the rest of us like a normal person, and I could never figure out why, but thats just how he was. A gruff, cantankerous grouch who preferred to keep his own company, but when push came to shove, his actions showed he cared about my well-being.

He was loved and will be missed, as evidenced by the teary faces in the crowd, and his absence has left a gaping hole in my chest. Not sure if that matters much in the long run, but it is what it is.

For long minutes, no one speaks as everyone gets in place, and I recognize a few other faces in the crowd. Yan and Grandpa Du are here, as is Kyung, Luo-Luo, Lin-Lin, and Guard Leader, all standing off to one side in sombre silence. The adorable old wolf is also present, though theres no sign of Huu or Ghurda, but its nice to know the old codger bonded with Guan Suo over their dinner time arguments. Mama Gam, the Bull, and the Rhino Ancestral Beasts are also present, looking sombre and subdued over the death of a peer, though Ive no idea how they knew hed be here or why they didnt bother trying to help him fight. Fu Zhu Li stops by, looking almost none the worse for wear save for a minor slump of his shoulders and a slight quiver of sleeves which hide trembling hands, signs of fatigue from overwork and no doubt self-recrimination for his failure to save Guan Suo.

I dont blame him though, or if I do, I blame him less than myself. He did what he could to save Guan Suo, while I steered my friend towards his untimely demise.

The crowd holds many unfamiliar faces and a disproportionate number of unique demi-humans, some clearly from the Protectorate and others whose clean, embroidered outfits and tidy appearances stick out like a sore thumb. It belatedly occurs to me that many of these mysterious demi-humans might actually be Ancestral Beasts, and I lower my eyes on instinct, not wanting to draw the attention of another Divinity for reasons I dont entirely understand.

Its terrifying, standing beside someone who can not only kill you, but also everyone around you with little more than a thought. Its doubly terrifying now that I know Id be nothing more than collateral damage if Im standing at ground zero during a clash of Divinities. Instead of fretting however, I turn my attention to studying Guan Suos body and do what little I can to try and process this loss. He does look peaceful, with the wrinkles around his eyes more slack than ever, and I can almost make out a smile, though its probably just his jaw muscles growing stiff after death. Thats my biggest problem when it comes to grief, my inability to simply let things be coupled with an incessant need to dwell on the cold, hard facts and immutable truths. Sure, Ive got memories of a past life, but how do I know Im not just insane? Besides, what warm embrace of the Mother? Ive no recollection of that, only fear, confusion, and panic after waking up from a death I cannot remember.

Will that happen to Guan Suo in his next life? Will he also forget everything that matters from this life? Will he remember Ping Ping and the bond they shared, or will he just have an underlying fondness for turtles? Will he grow up in a happy home with a family who loves him, or is he doomed to a bleak existence in a desolate land, fighting for every scrap and morsel he can get? Will he even be human? Or a red panda? Or capable of cognizant thought?

Does it even matter? If were all reborn after we die, whats the point of doing anything at all?

The Penitent Brotherhood had one thing right. Life is suffering, but death? Death is easy. Guan Suo has found the ultimate peace and will no longer be troubled by pain or suffering. His fight, his struggle, his war is over, for he has been given the peace of the sword, and no longer needs to concern himself with the trials and tribulations of this world. Dad is right; Guan Suo has more than earned this respite, and I wish him all the best in whatever might await him.

There are no speeches given or anecdotes shared at this wake, and this silent farewell feels lacking for a man who gave his life to save tens of thousands of strangers. I dont think Guan Suo would care for any thanks or applause, because he only did what he did to save one, cherished friend. Then again, it occurs to me that if Ping Pings safety was all he cared about, he could easily have dragged me away with her long before the second battle for Sinuji took place. Hell, he couldve demanded I stay in the Northern Province in exchange for his help, and Im sure the Legate and whatever powers that be would have happily sidelined me without a second thought, but Guan Suo didnt do that. Instead, he requested to join my retinue and lent me the aid of his Protectorate, followed me out on patrol and watched over me from the shadows. Ill never know why he did that, or how much he truly helped me, because he never bothered taking credit, but having seen how comfortable Enemy Divinities are with skirting the Treaty, Im positive I owe him my life several times over. His mere presence was probably enough to keep them from trying anything too overboard, and for this, I am grateful.

For this fallen master, a veritable peak existence in this world we inhabit and reluctant hero of the Empire who saved who knows how many lives, all we can spare are a handful of silent minutes before the crowd disperses without ceremony. Only my family is left behind, as well as Sai Chou and Rustram, who exchange a few quiet words with Mila before slinking off into the night. My parents expect me to leave soon after, but I shake my head and gesture towards Mila and Ping Ping, indicating I dont want to leave either of them alone. Neither one has really moved since I arrived, and Im not sure Im handling this any better than they are, because theres a part of me that wanted to kick and scream at all those Divinities for not doing more than they did, for leaving Guan Suo, Gang Shu, and the Abbot to fight their battle unaided. Another part of me wants to howl at the Heavens for allowing this injustice to stand, while most of me just wants to sit down and let the numbness sink in.

Because theres a tiny, minuscule, insignificant portion of my brain wondering what would happen if I tried to Devour Guan Suos body. I mean, being an Ancestral Beast means he reforged his body with Heavenly Energy, which is what Demons do, so wouldnt Devouring his corpse be the same as Devouring Demons? Probably not, but I really should try, because when will I ever get another chance to? If I could, I would lobotomize this specific part of my brain, because I cant help but try to justify it. Would it be wrong to benefit from his death? Thats not Guan Suo, those are his earthly remains, an empty husk that will rot away in time, so what does it matter if I make use of it? I mean, who knows, maybe Ping Pings just making sure Guan Suos really gone before chowing down on his corpse. Maybe Mila and Husolt are eyeballing his bones for new Spiritual Weapons, or those other Ancestral Beasts were thinking about making a play for the body themselves. If someone is going to benefit, then why not me?

God I hate myself sometimes...

Thankfully, I manage to keep my questions to myself, because Ive already caused Guan Suos death and have no desire to desecrate his remains, nor would I be able to ever forgive myself if I did. After some time, Mom and Dad usher everyone else away and leave me alone with Mila and Ping Ping on the field underneath the starry night sky. As if on cue, Mila begins to talk, telling me about her conversation with Guan Suo before his death, and despite her listless, droning narration, I can tell how much it hurts her to know how he felt about her, how he thought they were both better off without one another. And then he told me to tell you to look after Ping Ping, Mila concludes, the pain evident in her voice, if not her expression. Those were his last words. Said to bring her away and let the Imperials fight their own battles, and thats it. He didnt apologize, didnt wish things were different, didnt even claim he wanted to be different, just... I couldnt keep you, because I couldnt stop wanting to kill you, and thats that.

Next comes my first visit to her Natal Palace, when I saw how tiny and cute she was, and how my heart sang as she scampered around aggressively snuggling and tippy tapping away. I remember thinking how restrained she must always feel, having to tiptoe carefully around people, buildings, and tiny animals, but her kind, considerate nature wouldnt allow her to do anything less. Here in her Natal Palace, she was free to be as wild and rambunctious as she pleased, and even had the elephant-sized Red Panda Guan Suo to snuggle with, not to mention a whole host of furry, adorable critters which she so adored.

That visit proved what Id known all along: Ping Ping loves floofs as much as I do, which makes her a kindred spirit.

The memories flow through my mind at rapid speed, like the first time she drank my bathwater, our first swim in Nan Ping Bay together where she played with the quins, when I shared what I learned from my second Awakening, or her darling reaction to the giant rubber ball I had made for her. All of these memories evoke a torrent of emotions, and I share them all with Ping Ping as best I can, praying I get through before its too late and snap her out of this downward spiral of depression.

And it works. Her squeals soon die down and her eyes go wide with surprise, shocked that shes no longer in her comfy Natal Palace. Unsure what to do, she goes into battle mode and scans her surroundings before looking to me for guidance, but not only do I not have a solution to share, I wouldnt be able to convey it to her if I did. Yea... I drawl, knowing there are probably better uses of my time, but unsure what they might be. I was kinda hoping youd be able to... you know... mind magic the spooky Spectres away.

Eyes wide with fear and panic, Ping Ping eyes the Spectres, shuffles her feet, huffs once, twice, then darts over to give me a quick nuzzle before the Void disappears around me. Coming to with a start, I find myself back in the real world with Ping Pings arm at my back and Mila in my arms. Struggling to get up from under the weight of my wife, I yell, Mila wake up! Combat ready!

To her credit, my normally groggy wife leaps to her feet and reaches for weapons which are not there, which only slows her for half a blink as her hands curl into fists and her lips curl into a snarl. Unable to properly appreciate the fearsome and fetching sight, I turn to Ping Ping and find her enormous form rippling and shimmering, not glowing with light per se, but undulating in ways that have nothing to do with her physical self.

My throat closes and stomach twists as Ping Ping raises her head and shrieks, not the cute, adorable squeals she so often gave, but a sharp, inhuman, unreal scream which cuts to the very core of my being.

She knew what was happening.

And she sent me away.

Instead of doing something to stop the Spectres or letting me die in there with her, she saved my life. She even took the time to say goodbye, and now theres nothing I can do except watch her die as a Demon takes over her body.

...

No!

The word rips out of my throat as Ping Pings dark form pulses and shrinks, and I run over to look her in her still-recognizable eyes. Stop this! Grabbing her rippling head in both hands as thousands of bugs crawl beneath my skin, I scream, You cant have her!

But still it continues, the world warping as the Spectres take form, and I watch as Ping Ping fades away and the Demon takes control, but I will not allow this. This cannot be. Some lines cannot be crossed, and I will die before I let it happen.

This is not how this ends.

The world goes dark.

Coldness seeps in.

And instinct takes over.

There are no questions, no doubts, no confusion or hesitation.

Only one goal, and a mind to accomplish it.

Mother in Heaven, I pray that it is enough.

Chapter Meme