Chapter 669

Chapter 669

The breeze tickles my chin and the unexpected chill sends a jolt through my mind, as waking from a deep sleep in which I had a long, pleasant dream.

Only now that Im awake, I realize the dream was not a dream, but rather the waking world through which I drifted about, neither wholly asleep nor entirely conscious for the last several hours. Blinking to clear my head and make sense of the situation, I sift through my recent memories only to come away with vague notions of what Ive been up to and a growing sense of unease over my current situation. The last thing I remember consciously doing was cuddling Aurie and Mama Bun in the courtyard with Yan snuggled up beside me while we all waited for breakfast. Judging by the sunlight shining down from high above, its close to noon and I have no idea how I got to Taduks garden.

Or why Im lying on my stomach with my face in the dirt while staring at a tiny ringed fence made of crude bamboo slats surrounding a hole in the dirt.

No wait. I think Im lying on a blanket. Hemp, not cotton or silk. Honestly, hemp as a cloth is sorely underrated. Sure, cotton is softer and silk is buttery smooth, but sometimes, you want a nice, dense fabric to block harsh winds or even out the rocky ground, and for that, hemp is obviously the superior choice. Its not the most comfortable fabric around, but those seem to be the only three choices in these parts, as linen isnt really a thing. I should figure out how to make that. I bet itd be lucrative, because everyone likes to have options when it comes to clothes, even people who dont really care too much about fashion.

Ill get on that as soon as Im better, but right now, I have more pressing matters to attend to, like where did my bunny cheek warmer hop off to? I was perfectly comfortable with Banjo snoozing on top of my back and I think Aurie sitting on the back of my legs, but now that Ginger and Pepper have hopped away, I have no bunnies to bury my face into, and that makes me sad. Raising my head elicits a plaintive grunt from Banjo, unhappy that his pleasant nap has been disturbed, but I didnt think before moving and now I cant take it back. Sorry baby bear. Ill stop moving, so you go back to nap now.

Gurgling in contentment as he settles back down to sleep, Banjo is lightly snoring in no time at all, though I still suffer for my lack of face floof. Luckily, my sweet wifey is nearby and notices the issue, appearing in my field of view with her bright, beatific smile, a sharp contrast to the dark glower etched into Blackjacks tiny hare features poking out from between her hare ears. Hiya hubby, she says, though not in so many words, somehow communicating her customary greeting without Sending or vocalizing it. Its just in the way her eyes widen ever so slightly as she tilts her head to one side, something Ive seen her do a thousand times before when greeting me in the past, but I never really consciously noted the connection until now.

As if able to read my thoughts, she plants Blackjack in front of my face and gently urges the little hare to snuggle up against me, which he does as I plant a kiss on his furry little head. Even though he looks perpetually grumpy, underneath that surly expression and aloof temperament is a darling sweetheart who just loves to be loved. Resting his chin against my cheek, he thumps his feet as my fingers find his favourite scratching spots, and for a few precious moments, all is right in the world for this man and his beloved hare.

Having had his fill of scritches, Blackjack hops away before turning back to check if Im coming along, an invitation to play which I happily accept. Remembering my promise to Banjo, I gently slip out from under his sleeping head using some form of Concealment, leaving his slumber undisturbed as I crawl after Blackjack on my hands and knees. Ecstatic to play with me again after so long, the sweet hare runs and hops about in pure, uninhibited glee, an emotion Ive only sensed in animals and children. We havent even played yet and Blackjack is over the moon, which makes me feel guilty for not playing with him more. Sensing my inner turmoil and not knowing the cause, the little darling pauses mid hop and rushes back over to lightly headbutt my chin, a show of affection he learned from the bunnies which is just too adorable to resist. Before I know it, Ive launched Blackjack high into the air, and reality rears its ugly head as prickly awareness pierces through the haze of blissful distraction and I gaze in horror of what Ive just done.

Thankfully, Blackjack is built for high altitudes and spreads his paws out in all directions, slowing his fall enough so that hes not hurt when I catch him after a long fall. Squirming in my hands, he excitedly paws at my hands and asks me to do it again, but my heart cant take it because Im still horrified by my actions. What wouldve happened if I didnt catch him? Or if thered been an eagle flying overhead that snatched him out of the sky? What if he panicked and I caught him badly, breaking his tiny little bones in the process? That wasnt even remotely safe, but I acted without thinking, and now Im stuck imagining all the worst case scenarios that couldve happened.

I need to teach Blackjack how to keep himself safe. Thats the only way to protect him. I know you wanted to play little buddy, but its time for a crash course in aerial acrobatics so you can live up to your potential as a cloud chaser hare.

The world shifts to darkness then everything fades back into perception, and the first thing I notice is a hand running through my hair. Resting on top of Banjo who is resting on top of me, Lin-Lin peers down from over the snoring bears shoulder, telling me I am safe and loved through her actions and emotions. The fading rays of the setting sun cast her in their sublime glow, interlaced with the shadows cast by the bamboo grove, but the familiar scene leaves me wondering if Id dreamed the whole thing with Blackjack. Sometimes, seconds feel like hours and other times hours feel like seconds, resulting in jarring jumps or abrupt stops that throw me for a loop when I least expect it.

The tiniest of snores draws my eyes down to the sleeping hare, his arms and legs splayed out in sheer exhaustion after an exciting afternoon spent racing through the treetops to harass Sarankho and the laughing birds, a memory which pops into my mind as if placed there by someone else, but I know it was real. It was neither dream or illusion, but undeniable reality, and my tenuous grip on the latter is the only reason for my doubts. While he has yet to wholly understand how to Cloud-Step, Blackjack learned his limits are much higher than he initially believed, able to climb faster and jump farther than ever before now that hes learned to properly fall. Between his puffy, chubby cheeks and adorable aerial antics, Blackjack seems more squirrel than hare, but is far more in touch with his true self, a lesson he shouldve learned from his parents and siblings, but had to figure out all on his own instead.

I merely gave him a nudge in the right direction and shared how it felt to Cloud-Step while repeatedly launching him into the air. No words were used, only emotions and experiences, and this sparked a primal instinct inside his furry little head. It wont be long until he figures out the rest, but whatever I did took a lot out of me, because I blanked out the next few hours and just went through the motions, the same way I drifted through the morning after...

Oh god. After teaching Tate, Tali, Luo-Luo, Yan, and Alsantset.

What the hell was I thinking? Nothing bad happened, but before my impromptu lessons, I was busy agonizing over how Im a danger to society and more importantly, a danger to my loved ones. I just drifted through most of the day beholden only to my whimsical fancies, and while Im fairly certain no one was hurt by my actions, I cant say it will always be the same. While Im not sure where on the scale of power I sit, I am, without a doubt, a formidable Martial Warrior again, only Im not in control of my actions. What wouldve happened to Tate if I forgot we were just sparring? Or if I got distracted and forgot to stop before hitting Tali? Things could have gone horribly wrong and theres nothing I couldve done to prevent it, because I didnt even realize what I was doing until right this very moment. I just watched it all play out like a dream, and like any dream, it could have easily turned into a nightmare without warning.

I might as well be a child with the worst case of ADHD ever seen and a loaded gun with no safety, a combination no one should rest easy around.

I didnt even consider this angle until early this morning, when I woke up to find my Grand-Mentor, Grandmother, and Mother-in-Law Akanai struggling with the decision of what to do with me. Though she didnt say as much, I could tell she knew exactly what she needed to do, but couldnt bring herself to do it. I knew it the same way I knew Lin-Lin was saying hello, by reading Akanais general range of emotions which were pouring off her despite what some might call an unreadable expression.

Body language tells a lot more than most people realize. Sitting there with her weapon in hand while watching over my sleep, Akanai was of one mind, yet conflicted with regards on how to proceed. Protect her family, that was her driving impetus, and it has been for most of her life, because the People are her family, and she will do anything to keep them safe. The problem is, now there is a threat that stems from within her family, and she does not know what to do. I know this because she kept cycling between love, fear, guilt, and sorrow, all of which radiated off of her in powerful waves that Pong Pong and I can somehow sense. Ping Ping gets it too, which is how she knows who to trust and who to avoid, but I dont think she can pick emotions up as well as I can. She didnt even wake up when I slipped out to kill Wraiths, though I overheard someone mention how calm and relaxed she seemed, even after waking to find me missing. No idea why, but I lack the energy to care right now, because I am not entirely sure if Akanai made the right decision.

She chose to protect her family, as she always does, but in doing so, she opted to protect the very person who threatened their safety. Me.

After sensing Akanais inner turmoil, I took a good, long look at my thoughts and motivations, only to come away shocked and appalled. Late last night or early this morning, I sensed danger approaching in the form of strangers with ill-intent. Rather than alerting someone to this possible threat, I set out to meet it head-on, because I was delighted at the chance to stretch my legs and blow off some steam. A cute euphemism for hunt and kill, because that is exactly what I set out to do, even hiding from my wives and protectors because I didnt want them interrupting my fun. When did I start viewing combat as fun? A long time ago, if Im being honest, because I never feel more alive than when Im in the midst of battle. Im terrified of battle, and even more terrified by how much I crave it, because when I set out in the early hours of the morning to confront those intruders, I set out with the darkest of intents.

Thats how I operate now, on intent and little else. I wanted to fight and kill, so I did, and this realization terrifies me most of all.

I wasnt nervous about heading into battle or worried for the safety of my loved ones, nor did I care who these strangers were or what their goal was. All of that was just an afterthought; I just wanted to fight for the sake of fighting, to the point where I was planning to ambush and kill them before even identifying who they were or why they were here. Granted, I got distracted at the sight of their dark, poisoned blades and they initiated hostilities by stabbing me in the gut, but what if they hadnt? What if they were just sneaky gits moving through the darkness, with no identifying marks to speak of? Would I have stopped to question their purpose? I doubt it, because I didnt care who they were, only that I had someone to kill, which is just wrong and horrifying. I sensed ill-intent, but if they werent Wraiths, they couldve been... I dunno, spies or something. Or friendly anti-assassins, in a fight fire with fire sort of way.

Were my actions wrong? Maybe, maybe not, but I know for a fact my intentions were, and intent matters. What if Id misread the situation and acted before thinking things through? Plenty of people harbour thoughts of ill-intent directed towards me, but that doesnt mean theyre all deserving of death. As I am now though, I am beholden to my whims, and last night, I was overcome with an urge to fight and kill. Again, the whole event felt like I wasnt living my life, but watching it play out like a movie and only registering what happened after the fact. I didnt build up the Mountain Collapsing Stomp and anticipate its use, no, I just used it without conscious thought. I harboured violent intent and unleashed significant devastation, all without it even actively considering my actions, so whos to say I wont do it again? What if next time, there are no convenient Wraiths converging around me? Not a scenario Id ever care to imagine, but now I must, because it is an all-too-real possibility. How many times have I randomly wished harm on someone, without any intent whatsoever to act on it? Countless times, thats how many, but as I am now, Im not sure if I can differentiate between idle thought and meaningful desire.

I am a danger to the people I love, and not just because Im afraid I might hurt them directly, but also because my actions might put them in more danger. What would have happened if I wasnt strong enough to fight off those Wraiths? I wouldve needed help, help from my family and guards, whod be caught off guard if I showed up out of the blue with a horde of killers hot on my heels. I couldve warned people of the incoming danger and we couldve taken steps to prepare, but I channelled my inner Leeroy Jenkins instead and just barely avoided a total party wipe by the skin of my teeth.

It sounds a lot less threatening when said using gaming lingo, but the reality of the situation is this: my actions put myself and my loved ones in danger, and we all could have died for it. Thats the cold hard truth, one I failed to recognize until I woke up and found Akanai wondering if she should kill me before its too late. I tried to tell her she should, that I would rather die than put my loved ones in danger, that she was the only one strong enough to do what needed to be done, but it didnt work. Like the bard said, love makes fools of us all, and Akanai loves me too much to kill me, even if it might cost her everyone she loves and everything shed ever worked for.

Then again, the bard also said, Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged cupid painted blind. Perhaps they see something I cannot and are right to cling fast to hope, but I fear for the worst and worry they have done nothing to prepare. At a bare minimum, I should be locked away and kept under strict guard until I can control myself again, because so long as I am bound to my whims and beholden to instinct, I am a threat to everyone around me.

Mm. I dont know how to feel about having so many devotees, but considering my Natal Souls arent dissuading them from worshipping me, I evidently enjoy the veneration on at least some level. I mean, who doesnt want to be admired in some way? Plus, I have a hero complex in that I believe I am here in this world for a reason, that I am meant to do great things and change the world for the better. Only then will my suffering have meant anything, which is yet another reason why I failed in my pursuit of the Eight-Fold Path and Nirvana. Not only was my interpretation flawed, but I myself was not ready to proceed along it, because I had yet to forsake the three Desires, of which permanence, or fame, is one of them.

It occurs to me I could probably Devour all these Natal Souls and be better off for it, but then where would that leave these Martial Warriors? No, no man is an island, and I will need stalwart soldiers to fight alongside me, and these three-thousand and eighty three individuals will follow me into the Fathers Maw if I only ask it, because they fight for the same reasons I do. Though this is technically their first tour of duty as Martial Warriors, they are already heroes one and all, because they were willing to face the Enemy armed with only courage alone, which makes them some of the bravest people I know.

Cupping my fist, I offer them all a Martial salute and bow in thanks for their service, a gesture which they return in the same manner. Some will live and others will die, but every last one of them will give their all in this war against the Enemy, and I can only hope I am able to meet their lofty expectations. Turning to Naaran who followed me out, I nod in thanks and head back to the manor to finish saying my goodbyes.

The next few days are a blur as I grapple with the hole in my chest, one left by the absence of so many loved ones. Mila, Yan, Mom, Dad, Alsantset, Akanai, and more, they all marched off to war and left me behind. I miss them all dearly, but I can hardly follow after them as I am, so I should be happy I still have Lin-Lin and Li-Li here to keep me company, alongside Taduk, Charok, and the twins. Luo-Luo went back to the Citadel, unable to stay away for so long, adding more to a debt of gratitude I can hardly hope to repay. This aside, the absence of so many loved ones proves just how vital they are to me, because I need their help before I can recover.

Wait.

How do I know that? I mean, I understand the basic concept, that its all about Balance. I need my familys love, care, and affection to Balance out all the negativity I puked up and swallowed back again. The thing is, how do I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this is true? I was never in doubt of this one singular fact, a truth I just knew and accepted because...

Because this knowledge did not come from me.

It came from the Heavens, in the form of Insight.

Thats not the only Insight Ive had recently. How did I fix my Core? How did I sense the Wraiths approaching? How did I slip out under the cloak of Concealment and Cloud-Step away? How did I unleash the Mountain Collapsing Stomp? How did I know those former Irregulars were out on the plains? Even my teaching moments were all initiated by moments of Insight, wherein I saw something I knew was wrong and knew exactly how to fix it, even if I didnt really understand what was wrong in the first place.

Helpful as it might be, I dont like Insight. It gives me answers, but doesnt show me the work. It tells me the alphabet goes from A to Z, but doesnt reveal all the letters in between, so how the hell am I supposed to use this information to learn how to read? Thats my gripe with Insight, and as wonderful and miraculous as it is, I would much prefer to have comprehension. Now that I think about it, I believe comprehension is absolutely vital if one wishes to follow the correct Path, even if Im not sure what that Path might be, mostly because I lack comprehension. Its a vicious cycle, one that has roots in my insatiable curiosity, but my experience with Ping Pings ascension seems to corroborate my conclusions. While I remember very little of what happened, I do remember Panacea was involved in some way, though I called it by another name. I also remember thinking Ping Pings Path wasnt entirely correct either, that it was inherently flawed in some way, similar to the flaws in the Martial Path. This doesnt mean the Eight-Fold Path is right either, nor do I know which Path is the right one, but I believe something is driving all living creatures towards the same ultimate goal, except were all doing it in less than ideal ways.

My current issues are troublesome, but I think I know how to fix it. I think Ive known since I reforged Peace. The basic premise is simple enough really. Whatever the problem is, it stems from a disconnect between my body, mind, and soul. Somewhere along all the connections, something isnt working right, but to fix it, all I have to do is what I did when fixing my reformed Core or calling down the storm over the Central plains. I just... did it. I wanted the Defiled gone and my Core fixed, but I didnt sit down and plan out all the details, I just directed the Energy of the Heavens to work and it knew exactly what needed to be done.

This proves that the concept behind panacea works on more than just the physical body, which means it can probably fix whats wrong with me right now and make me functional again, but I havent done this yet because somehow, I know it would be wrong. Not morally wrong, or even factually wrong, because it would technically be a working solution, but still just... wrong. Even though Insight tells me this is possible, at the same time, its also warning me that Insight is not enough. I almost died to those Wraiths, and only defeated them because one, I reforged Peace, and two, they kept moving in stupidly obvious ways and acting all surprised when I cut them down. They were fast and strong, but they left a lot of openings that were fairly easy to catch, and Im not entirely sure why. Either way, if they were Demons or even Defiled Champions, I dont think I wouldve walked away with my life intact, and Id be even weaker than I am now if I were to fix my Core using the Panacea method.

Dont ask me how I know Id be weaker. I just know it. As I am, I space out a lot, but I also have easier access to Insight, access Im fairly certain Id lose if I use Panacea to fix myself. Insight is not enough. Comprehension is necessary if I want to come out of this stronger than before I shattered my Core, meaning I need to know why Im broken and how to fix myself if I want to progress further along my Path. This means I need answers, answers which will lead to more questions, but who can I turn to and ask?

...

Oh.

Right.

Reaching up to pat the beak resting on my head, I turn around to see Kukku nestled up against me. The silly rooster has been here all along, or at least as long as I can remember, but he wanted to play hide and seek and did a damn fine job of it. I think he showed up after the Wraith attack, because he was definitely there the morning after, sitting on my legs while I lay on the hemp mat, because now that I think about it, Im pretty sure Aurie was out to market with Mila picking out the materials she needed to complete Peace. Mischief glints in Kukkus eyes as he chortles at his great joke, finding much amusement from hiding in plain sight all this time, but if hes here, then that means someone else is here to watch over him.

Eh-Mi-Tuo-Fuo, comes the standard greeting, the meaning clear as day despite my inability to parse through language. Praise to the Heavens, and all the mysteries within, an acknowledgement of the complexities of the Dao and the endless nuances they contain. How do I understand this? Im not entirely sure, but my best guess is that the meaning behind the four-syllable greeting has been ingrained in Monk Happys voice and body, allowing me to understand without actually understanding. Standing there with his customary smile, he says nothing else as he understands why I called for him, because I am finally ready to leave with him and seek out the answers I so desire. That is the Brotherhoods original purpose after all, a community of like-minded answer seekers who banded together to share their collective knowledge of the Dao. Now I seek to add my knowledge to theirs, and hopefully come away with a suitable answer.

Thinking to bid Lin-Lin farewell, I find her waiting by my side with a rucksack over her shoulder and Guard Leader standing by her side. Next to them is Li-Li sitting in a wagon with all my pets, while Charok holds Tali and Tate in his arms as they bid me a teary goodbye. No idea how they all knew I was going to leave before I did, but I assume it has something to do with my lack of subtlety, or maybe Monk Happy figured Id arrive at this conclusion and prepared them all for the eventuality. I mightve even been broadcasting my intent for all to hear, Im not entirely sure how this works. Despite this, I still try to convince Lin-Lin to stay, as itll probably be dreadfully boring at the monastery with no fun to be had. In response to my unspoken plea, my wifey merely points at Li-Li, who I now realize cannot be separated from my side, which means if Li-Li can go with me, then so can Lin-Lin, or at least thats how my wifey sees it.

Its crazy how well we communicate without words, almost magical even, but it makes me love her all the more.

As Guard Leader readies to carry the wagon and Monk Happy plucks a reluctant Jorani out from the shadows, Lin-Lin leaps onto my back with a wild grin, emanating anticipation and excitement all the while. Not willing to disappoint, I look to Monk Happy and follow him off into the skies, delighting in Lin-Lins elated shrieks as we Cloud-Step out of the District and across the Central Plains.

I am not running away, not this time. Instead, Im chasing after answers with some of my loved ones at my side, and will reunite with the rest once I am whole again. The Brotherhood may or may not have the answers I seek, but even if I must walk my own Path, I now realize the greatest lie the Father or Imperial Clan ever told.

We each forge our own Path, this much is true, but this doesnt mean we need to go at it alone. A little love and support goes a long way, and I am more loved and supported than most. That is my true blessing, the blessing of loving family and caring friends to stand with me through this arduous lifetime of trials and tribulations.

And thank the Heavens for that.

Chapter Meme

Chapter Meme 2

- End of Volume 36 -