Chapter 687

Chapter 687

- so now I have a bunch of Heavenly Energy sitting around and no idea how to use it.

Having explained the majority of whats happened since the Abbot fought Vyakhya, I lean back and take a breath, which is weird because I dont really need air. Its one of those things you cant really think too hard about, because then you start noticing all the idiosyncrasies of existing as a soul rather than a flesh and blood person but of course now that Ive thought about not thinking about it I cant help but think about it and am now struggling to do normal things like blink breathe and relax. Thats fine though, because the Abbot needs some time to process everything I just laid down. Not just the stuff he missed, but a lot of the stuff I hadnt told him yet, like Ping Pings ascension, Pong Pongs Heavenly Poop, and various other things I forgot he didnt already know, though I left out any and all things to do with my previous life for the sake of brevity and shame. Despite his many, many questions along the way, I was unable to really clarify it all for him, and it seems hes having trouble coming to grips with all of it, which I totally understand, but sooner would be better than later seeing as were working on a tight schedule here.

Hang on. Why am I in such a rush all of a sudden? I mean, yea, Song kinda lit a fire under my ass after telling me about how Shuai Jiao toppled Luo-Luo from her figurative throne, but I was perfectly fine wasting a few days trying to get to Kukku for a nap. Something is urging me along, a tiny, annoying voice in the back of my head telling me that were running out of time, but I dont think its the Abbots impending death. Though he said hes dying, I dont think hes in any immediate danger, just that hell die eventually if someone doesnt do something about it. While the injuries he took in battle are partially responsible for his current predicament, he didnt disagree when I said damage to the soul is easy to fix. Instead, he said he believes he has nothing left to live for, meaning his issue isnt with a lacking solution, but rather his inability to find a reason to live for.

Which raises a lot of questions, ones I should really get the answers to, because if the Abbot is literally too sad to live, then this is probably a tribulation Ill face myself in the future.

After a long silence, the Abbot finally sighs and regards me with perplexed curiosity, as if Im some sort of strange creature hes never encountered before. There is more you have yet to share, he says, going straight for the throat without hesitation, But if you are unwilling to reveal all, then I will not push, for you would not keep anything from me if it were relevant. Oh good. However, as it stands, I am uncertain as to how to proceed, for reasons that you might already understand, but I will explain nonetheless. Have you heard the tale of the three blind men and the elephant?

They walk into a bar and order a drink? Already knowing my joke will fall flat, I hold up a hand to forestall the Abbots confused question. Err I think so. The blind guys grope an elephant and try to guess what sort of animal it is. After each touching a different part of the elephant, they all arrive at wildly different conclusions, but rather than run their hands over the elephant for more information, they fall out and quarrel among themselves. Shrugging, I add, I think its something to do with humanitys tendency to form opinions based on limited information and our inability to admit wrong.

Suffice to say you have a basic grasp of the parable then, the Abbot drawls, his sarcasm so faint I almost miss it. Perhaps a visual explanation would work better. The skies darken and the Abbot disappears from sight, and in his place sits a cylinder floating on its side in mid-air in front of a dark corner backdrop. Imagine the cylinder is the Dao, one we cannot perceive with our eyes. All we can see is the shadow the Dao casts upon the world, which in this case, is represented by the walls. A light blinks into existence along the cylinders side, and its square shadow is projected on one of the walls. Note that with the lights and walls in this configuration, the shadow formed by the Dao is a square. This is the truth. The first light blinks out, and a second by the circular surface, projecting a circle of the same shape. In this configuration, the shadow formed by the Dao is circular. This is also the truth. The first light appears again, while the second light remains in place, and now there is a square shadow on one wall and a circular shadow on the other.

The light is our perspective, the shadow our understanding, and yet the Dao remains the same. Understanding the Abbots meaning, I add, Our limited subjective experience renders us unable to understand the Dao in its entirety.

That is one way to interpret it, Junior Brother. The Abbots voice sounds like its coming from where he was seated across from me, but I am still unable to see him. Another is that there is no singular Dao.

Pointing at the cylinder, I say, But isnt that the Dao?

Indeed it is, but if we are unable to perceive the Dao directly, then from our perspective, there is no difference between the Dao and the truth we are able to perceive, or more succinctly, the truth becomes our personal Dao, one unique to each individuals perspective. Do you agree?

The truth I perceive is my unique Dao. I test the thought out loud to hear how it sounds, and though it feels deep and insightful, its one of those sentences that really doesnt say much at all. The sun is bright. Water is wet. My perspective is unique. Duh. Say I agree. So what?

The Abbot pauses, and I can almost hear his frustration in the ensuing silence, as well as an inaudible utterance of Eh-Mi-Tuo-Fuo. Feeling sheepish about my stubborn stupidity, I offer a shrug and an Aura to try and convey that I get it, but I also dont get it, and Im not smart enough to know why. Sensing his curiosity, I try and explain my reservations. I mean I understand what youre getting at, that we can only study that which we can quantify, but just because we have yet to understand the full measure of the Dao does not mean it is utterly unfathomable. I just feel like equating our personal truth to the Dao is a bit lazy.

The Abbots laughter comes as an unexpected surprise, but a welcome one to be sure, because it means our conversation is helping him pierce through his woe and misery. The man lost his family and found a surrogate father in his Mentor, a brother in Mahakala, and a comrade in Vyakhya, so losing them all must have hurt something fierce. I cant take their place, and in fact, no one can, but as strange as it is for me to say this, humans are social creatures and need interaction to survive. The Abbot has been here on his own for months now, with nothing to do except reminisce about better times and nothing to look forward to. I tried to do something similar in the Call Centre of the Void, but not only has the Abbot been here longer, he also doesnt have anyone he cares about enough to draw him out of his funk.

You are a child full of contradictions, he says, still chuckling in the shadows. But surprises as well. You are correct, Junior Brother. This monk humbly accepts your criticism and will keep it in mind moving forward, but until such a time as we are able to perceive the Dao, we have only the truth to work with.

Fair enough. Which is why I sort of agreed, but the Abbot wanted to hear my thoughts anyways. Again, so what?

Seems rude, but Im just trying to stay on topic, because the Abbot and I both have a tendency to ramble on. If there is no singular, quantifiable Dao, then we must accept that while there are immutable facts, the Dao differs from each and every perspective, and thus the manner in which we perceive those facts is not always the same. Drawing my attention back to the cylinder, the object shifts before my eyes into more of a squarish wedge with a circular base. A third light appears overhead and casts a triangular shadow on the floor, and now there are three different perspectives to account for. The object continues to shift and more lights are added, and while the original three shadows remain fixed in place, more unique shadows are cast to accentuate the Abbots points. Thus, the Dao is a square, and not a square. The Dao is a circle, and not a circle. The Dao is a triangle, and not a triangle. All true, and not true, depending on which perspective the Dao is viewed from.

And thus we must all forge our own Paths, I supply, utterly disheartened by the direction of our conversation, because Ive heard it all a thousand times in a thousand different ways.

Correct again, Junior Brother. Unaffected by my lack of enthusiasm, the object and walls fade away as the sky brightens and the Abbot reappears before me, his lips pursed in an apologetic smile. Others can offer guidance, but only you can see your unique truth and determine the correct path forward. Hence, my uncertainty on how to proceed, because you have progressed along a path so unique and unheard of that it is difficult to tell which of your steps were correct and which were mistakes. I am also unable to understand how you rationalize the many contradictions within your Dao, and fear that if I were to question you further, your Path would crumble apart beneath your feet and send you plummeting into the darkness once more. Shrugging in a very me way, in a sorry-not-sorry kinda way, the Abbot adds, A valid concern, you must agree, considering your recent attempt to lose yourself in oblivion.

...Fair enough. Sometimes, a little brutal honesty is just what the doctor ordered, and in my shame I vow to never run from my problems again. Or at least Ill try. No promises. I disagree with one thing though. Meeting the Abbots eyes, I order my thoughts before speaking, which is a new and unusual thing Im trying these days. You said you are unsure which of my steps were correct, and which are mistakes, but I dont think that distinction is necessary.

Oh? Knowing that its not my pride speaking, the Abbot takes a moment to consider my response before we continue. Thats how you know hes paying attention, thinking about what I say before asking me to explain, and I gotta say, Im enjoying it. Pray tell.

If we each must forge our own Path, then by definition, there can be no wrong steps. We all make mistakes, and the Mother knows Ive made plenty, but every step taken, whether it be forward, backwards, sideways, or otherwise, becomes a part of my path. A wrong turn is still a wrong turn, but the experience becomes a part of my Path, because it colours my perception which in turn could lead to a broader perspective of the truth and the Dao behind it. Failure is as much a part of life as success, and a far better teacher to boot, so while many of my mistakes still haunt me to this day, I am the man I am today because of my victories and defeats, not in spite of the latter.

All stuff I already knew, because people wiser than me have told me, but I just never put it all together in one place. Pieces of the puzzle coming together, and while I still have no idea what the big picture looks like, I at least have a general framework to go with.

Eh-Mi-Tuo-Fuo. Praise to the Heavens, and all the mysteries within. Smiling as he nods along, he regards me with an appreciative gaze and says, I was correct all along. Your wisdom would be a welcome addition to the Brotherhood, even if you never ascribe to our beliefs.

A devils advocate, as it were, someone to argue from the viewpoint of the sinner.

And in doing so, open the minds of the Brotherhood to more perspectives. Good, good. As he sits up straight, the Abbots entire demeanour shifts before my eyes, no longer perplexed or reluctant, but ready to dive right in. Then if Junior Brother is confident in his Dao, I will not mince words any longer and ask the questions that plague me. As I said, you are a man of many contradictions, and I wish to hear how you view them. You crave order and set your schedule each day with as little deviation as possible, and even a minor change in routine sets your nerves on edge, yet you also consistently flourish in the throes of chaos, making great strides in your Path, career, and accomplishments where others falter and fall. How do you reconcile the difference between your preferred and your perhaps not natural environment, but one you thrive in nonetheless?

Just because Im good at something doesnt mean I have to love it.

The answer comes easily, and the Abbot seems surprised, but then understanding dawns and he feels sheepish about overlooking the obvious. Then what of your hunger for knowledge? he asks, still a bit on the back foot, And your tendency to reject established facts, like your insistence that teeth do not naturally grow back, despite all evidence to the contrary?

Just because its a common belief, doesnt mean its true all the time. Shrugging, I add, If I claimed the sky is blue, most would nod and accept my statement as true, but the sky can also be orange, red, grey, or black depending on the circumstances. If someone has never seen the sky before, they wouldnt know this, so when describing the sky to them, we would have to be more specific. Such is the case when discussing the Dao, because if no one has ever seen it, how can we know our established truths are in fact always true? We must challenge everything we know and prove it beyond the shadow of a doubt before we can accept it as fact, because otherwise, well never know for sure what colour the sky truly is.

Without nodding, the Abbot considers my answer for long seconds before continuing. In times of peace, you work harder than any two of your peers, pushing yourself beyond your limits without mercy, yet in times of crisis, you have a tendency to shirk your duties and avoid doing what is necessary. One example would be during your journey to the Imperial Grand Conference, where you knew you would be facing the greatest trials and tribulations yet, but instead of focusing on furthering your Martial Path in preparation of what lay ahead, you took time out of your journey for sightseeing. While you were fortunate enough to begin a friendship with the Guardian Turtle, you had no way of knowing this would happen in advance, and you continued to neglect your basic training in favour of floating about in Nan Ping Bay even after it was clear the Legate intended to ensnare you within his schemes. Why?

Neglect my training? I fought like twenty duels on my first day there.

And avoided them the entire time after.

Well... yea. The general population only sees the results, and theres no guarantee I would win against every competitor. Why bother working so hard only for someone else to reap the rewards? Avoiding further duels was the smart move.nove(l)bi(n.)com

...Perhaps you are correct, the Abbot concedes, in the tone of someone who is not entirely convinced. However, do you disagree with my entire statement, or only in this particular example?

...Well, hes not wrong, not entirely. When push comes to shove, I do tend to deflect and delegate so I dont have to deal with the issue myself. Offering him another shrug, I sigh and slump down in defeat. I dunno, I just... when something is bothering me and theres nothing I can do about it, I find it easiest to pretend the problem doesnt exist and focus on something else.

There is never a scenario in which there is nothing you can do. Fixing me with a knowing look, the Abbot continues, You simply choose to do nothing, oftentimes at great cost. Giving it a moment for his words to sink in, he smooths his robes and says, Now, I will focus on more specific series of events and ask that you relay your thought process during them. Tell me, during the Purge, you argued with Han BoLao about the necessity of her actions and the morality behind her decisions, yet you didnt act until hundreds had already died. Why did you act when you did, and not before or after? Why did you kill the suffering peasant instead of the sadistic torturer?

...This is fun. So much fun. Just the best. I lacked knowledge and determination. The truth spills out before I can contain it, but the Abbot does not recoil in horror. Instead, he waits in patient silence for me to continue, and I find myself saying more than I care to. I knew the Purge was wrong, should have stood out to stop it from the beginning, but everyone told me to keep my head down and follow orders. Unable to meet the Abbots eyes, I stare down at my folded hands and say, I took the easy way out. I stood aside and allowed evil to triumph, a decision I will regret for the rest of my days. For the same reason, I turned my sword on the innocent instead of the guilty, because I could not bear the cost of killing Han BoLao.

...I dont think so, but I dont remember anything before I was twelve.

You dont remember? Raising his eyebrow in dramatic question, the Abbot asks, Or you dont want to remember?

The first. Obviously. Do you know something I dont? Because it feels like you do.

This monk has no facts to share regarding your life prior to enslavement, the Abbot says, and I believe him. Only suspicions. Its entirely possible your mistrust stems from a traumatic event in early childhood, but until you remember something, then there is no use speculating any further. The problem is, you have so little trust in yourself, youve created a guardian in the form of a dog, one that youve handed full control of your Natal Palace to.

The unspoken question hangs in the air, but Im not as concerned as the Abbot is. Buddy is a dog, sweet, loyal, and dumb as can be. Hell keep my Natal Palace safe while Im gone, no more no less. As if my dog can learn how to use a computer. Thats ridiculous. Itd also be kinda adorable, but no, Im not teaching him how to use the mouse and keyboard. That would just be too much power, because on the internet, no one knows youre a dog.

Amazing. Shaking his head in disbelief, the Abbot continues to stare at me like Im some exotic beast in a zoo. You cannot trust yourself, yet hold so much trust in an animal. Surely you understand that the dog is not truly a dog, and merely a Natal Soul in another form.

One based on the mark on my soul left by my dog from another life, but I never shared that pertinent detail. I trust animals because they... Will never betray you, is what I was going to say, but seeing how he already thinks I have trust issues, I change it to, Are pure of intent. They do what they want, and Buddy just wants food, naps, and cuddles. Not so far off from what I want, but alas, unlike Buddy, I dont have someone to see to all my other needs.

Man, itd be awesome if I was reincarnated as a dog, though Im not sure how to feel about getting neutered. I love my sweet Buddy, but I do feel kinda bad for taking his testes, even if hes happier for it.

...Oh god. Did I just consider making myself a eunuch, just to see if Id be happier? Good lord, what have I become?

Not for the first time, I lose patience with this lecture and ask, So...about that point you were trying to make?

I have made it several times, Junior Brother, you simply arent listening. Eyeing me in vexation, the Abbots calm facade slips to reveal the passionate monk that tried to get me to join the Brotherhood for months without end. Stop second guessing your decisions and trust yourself.

...What? Thats it? Trust yourself? Thats your grand advice?

It is all the advice you need. Gesturing at the scenes still playing in the background, this time of me defeating Zian in single combat, the Abbot says, You have come so far on your own merits, have accomplishments no one in history has ever matched, all because you have a perspective more unique than most. Your path is complex and convoluted to the point where this monk does not even recognize the truth you pursue, yet you progress along it by leaps and bounds with eyes, ears, and hands bound by sheer ignorance. Who can advise you on your Path besides yourself? You have everything you need to solve the issue before you, you simply need to trust yourself and take the next step.

So the Abbot thinks Im just like Song, possessing all the tools but not confident enough to believe in myself. Despite his faith in my capabilities, I genuinely have no idea where to start, and its clear from his expression that he sees it. Repressing a sigh, he closes his eyes to try and come up with a way to guide me to the right answer myself, while I focus on what I know.

Which is...

Well... a lot, but nothing that really makes sense.

Core Creation. Aura Condensation. Natal Palace Formation. Domain Development. These are the four milestones along the Martial Path, and Ive successfully completed all four, albeit in an atypical manner. My Core was shattered and reformed using a Medicinal Bath, while my Aura is capable of exhibiting all emotions, rather than just courage or terror like everyone else. Then theres the fact that my Natal Palace is not actually in my Core, but rather housed inside my excess Soul which I have hanging around in the Void, and of course the minor detail regarding how I wasnt granted authority by the Heavens to Develop a Domain, and instead rejected Heavens authority and seized what was required.

Yanno, I can see why the Abbot has no idea how to point me in the right direction.

This monk has three more pieces of advice to share with Junior Brother. Having put his thoughts in order, the Abbot fixes his gaze upon me once more. First, I would direct you to think back on our discussion regarding Spiritual Hearts and the differences between a humans Path and an animals.

That conversation took place a long time ago, but it springs to mind almost immediately as it was the time he revealed the fact that he had a Spiritual Panda and Tiger as well. I asked you why animals dont condense Auras and arent affected by them in the same manner, and you answered that once I figure out why, then I will have the answer to why we call them Spiritual Hearts.

Nodding along without clarifying the statement, the Abbot moves on to his next point. Second, I refer once again to your tendency to complicate matters by using different labels for the same thing. Chi Tea and Water Chi, Spectres and Natal Souls. Shooting me a knowing look, he adds, Visualization, Intent, and Emotion.

What? Those are clearly three different things. As I open my mouth to argue this very fact, the Abbots stare stops me short, not because it is one of anger or warning, but rather expectation. Weve never spoken much on this topic, but then my notes come to mind and I remember my thoughts on the subject. Visualization, Intent, and Emotion are the three methods through which we control Chi, but the Abbot is saying theres no need to over-complicate matters with three separate labels. Whats a word that is synonymous with all three? One doesnt exist. How about a word that encompasses their meaning?

No. Forget the labels. Go deeper. How does one control Chi?

With Visualization, Intent, and Emotion.

Or in other words, sheer force of Will.

You understand. Good. Again, the Abbot does that thing where he reads my mind without being psychic, and for once, Im happy for it. As for my third and final piece of advice, I am hesitant to voice it for fear of guiding you in the wrong direction, but alas, time is short and caution a luxury we can no longer afford. Forestalling my question, the Abbot speaks in plain and simple common, without any nuance or subtlety. Crawl before you walk. Walk before you run. Take things one step at a time instead of obsessing about the end result. The Dao is not so easily understood, not even by a man of your talents, so lower your eyes and set your sights on a more manageable goal. You disdain Insight and seek comprehension, but how can you understand that which you cannot quantify without first studying your Insights? You spurn the false Divinity this monk has obtained and aim for true Divinity, but if you believe there can be no mis-steps along your Martial Path, then there is no harm making a few mistakes along the way. Shatter the Void, Falling Rain, and only then should you turn your attention to what comes next.

The world shifts around me and my stomach drops as I am hurtled back into my own Natal Palace. Hopping up from the bed, Buddy runs over to greet me as if Ive been gone for years and years, and for all I know, I was. Taking some time to play with my dog, I ponder over the Abbots advice and pray that he still lives, because I cant think of any other reason hed say his time is short. No, hes not dead, I know this, because I can still sense him out there in the real world. He just sent me back here because he knew Id ask more questions, questions he could not answer, either because he lacks critical perspective or because hes worried his differently coloured perception will guide me falsely.

...Have I really been trying to skip past Divinity to become an actual capital G God? I suppose thats sorta what happened during the withdrawal from JiangHu, but I just figured that was... well... a fluke.

Trust myself, I mutter, giving Buddys belly a vigorous rub and smiling as his leg twitches in delight, And take things one step at a time. Idly considering giving my dog his balls back, I do away with the notion almost immediately. He doesnt need them, doesnt miss them, and I dont really want him humping my leg, which hes never done and hopefully never will. So... Spiritual Hearts, Will, and Shatter the Void. What do these three subjects have in common? Buddy, as per usual, does not respond, staring up at me in confused accusation now that Ive stopped rubbing his belly. Monstrous as it makes me feel, I pat his chest and nudge him out of the way so I can sit in my computer chair, while repeating all the advice the Abbot passed along. Trust myself. One step at a time.

The familiar desktop greets me as usual, but instead of clicking journal.txt, I head to My Documents and look for my notes instead, which thankfully are saved on the hard-drive. Odd that, considering I never committed it to memory via my Natal Palace, but its still all here, exactly as I remember it. The Core is the medium through which we harness Heavenly Energy... Starting from the top, I read it to Buddy out loud, who joins me on my chair as if he were a lapdog half his size, his fat butt forcing me to half-cheek the chair while his front paws dig into my thighs. Hardly the most comfortable seating Ive ever had, but I honestly wouldnt have it any other way. Together, well find the answers to my dilemma, or we should because the Abbot believes I already have everything I need to know, but theres one thing bothering me, and its the fact that he never asked why I seek the Dao. Its got me thinking though... why do I seek the Dao? Why do I seek strength? The answer seems more relevant than ever, but for the life of me, I dont have a proper answer.

Why do I seek the Dao?

...

Bear arms. Nuff said.

...

I should probably give it a little more thought, but honestly, I cant think of a better answer.

Chapter Meme

- End of Volume 37 -