Chapter 831

Chapter 831

The warm, red glow of courage and determination as I resolve to give this everything I have, in spite of the sickly, greenish yellow of bitter, vitriolic antipathy I sometimes feel for this world, one which I have come to love in spite of all its flaws.

A fluttering light pink tinged with a hint of red of love and passion for my beloved wives fighting on the wall, followed by the darker pink of the general love and affection I hold for my family, friends, and floofs.

Nauseating orange anxiety as the reality of the situation rears its ugly head, no longer willing to be kept contained within the back of my mind as I deal with the more immediate problems before me.

Then a radiating crimson darkness, the raw, burning anger and hatred I bear for my foes. Not just the Defiled Half-Demons, who continue to throw themselves at the Walls of Shi Bei with reckless abandon, but also the Eternal Emperor and the Supreme Families who allowed matters to escalate so far, endeavoured to engineer all this death and suffering in order to benefit themselves or prevent others from benefiting in their stead.

Followed by a cold, navy blue surge of disdain and frustration as I struggle to rein in my hatred of the Defiled at the very least. At the end of the day, I cannot help but sympathize with them because I know most are not in their right minds, and many are victims of circumstance and indoctrination themselves. The Defiled are not the Enemy, merely a sickness infecting the body, minds, and souls of humanity, so I should not hate them any more than I would hate a rabid dog.

Pale, coral pity floods through me to wash away my hatred and disdain, but the frustration remains firmly in place as I gaze upon the faces of the Defiled before me and wonder if any of them are my brothers by blood. Baledagh was the only one who cared to help me, but I had other brothers too, similarly neglected by our parents and raised to become the monsters I see before me.

A thought which gives rise to the hideous greenish-purple gradient of guilt and self-loathing, because only luck and happenstance has led me to stand where I do today, and if things had gone slightly differently, I might well have been fighting for the other side. Why do I deserve to be so blessed by fate, when so many others were dealt a complete shit hand?

Which brings me back to the warm red glow of courage and determination as I remember whats at stake here today, and eventually comes around to an even deeper pit of guilt and self-loathing, one that goes down into the dark depths of bitter, black despair. A vicious cycle Ive been through many a time before, a one-man echo chamber of emotion from which I extricate myself before things spiral out of control. Not without effort, because even though Ive realized this reckless Balance not entirely right for me, I still find it difficult to struggle my way out from the comfortable surrender Ive embraced, one so very different from the Balance Ive become familiar with since setting foot on the Martial Path. The power of this new Balance is unlike anything Ive ever felt before, for the Energy of the Heavens is more eager and insistent than ever to comply with my Will, one I have yet to provide because I must first forge my own Path.

Surrender to emotion whilst struggling to maintain a complete lack of Will, this is the Balance I reach for today, and the Heavens are not pleased. They love the Balance Ive attained, but with no Will to fulfil, the Energy of the Heavens in unable to share in my emotions, save for what little they can sense emanating throughout me, like the delectable aroma of a sumptuous feast which they can neither see nor taste. If given a chance to share in my emotions, the Heavens would find it a far sweeter nectar than the unwanted, discarded sentiments I cast away in JiangHu, for they only got to experience those emotions second-hand, while here they have a chance to taste them straight from the source itself.

A chance I have thoroughly denied the Heavens, because I am not yet ready to Ascend.Read latest chapters at novelhall.com Only

Despite having resolved to take the next step, to push forward no matter the cost, I cannot quite bring myself to wholly accept the Path laid out before me just yet, namely the Martial Path I have pursued for over a decade now. The Energy of the Heavens surges and swells, promising power and knowledge unrestricted should I choose to embrace it, yet I have seen where the Martial Path will lead and I care not for it. False Divinity, a harsh term, yet an apt one, for even if I should Ascend here and now, I would still not have the power necessary to overthrow the Eternal Emperor, who is no True Divinity yet. This is the impasse which holds me back, an impassable and insurmountable barrier I unconsciously placed between myself and the Heavens when I first Shattered the Void, and a bottleneck I must first break down before I can take this next step in confidence. Fear is what led me to raise this barrier, paired with no small amount of arrogance and disdain, because despite the staggering amount of power False Divinity can deliver, I know I can do better.

Why do the Heavens crave emotions so much? The romantic in me wonders if its because much like the Spectres, the Heavens also yearn to experience life once more, while my inner scientist suggests it might be a requirement to create more Heavenly Energy, like how plants require sunlight and carbon dioxide to make oxygen. Whatever the reason, this form of Balance offers the Heavens an all-natural, unadulterated taste of emotion, and they promise power unmatched in return.

And yet, still I hesitate, because a step taken in fear is no better than a step avoided because of it. I cannot rush into this, because a partial success will lead to the same result as a complete failure. My goal is to defeat the Eternal Emperor, for only then can I survive. For this reason and so many more, I hold firm to logic and strive to make sense of the madness and find the courage and conviction to proceed. In coming to terms with who I am, I have uncovered a new Path to tread, the right Path for me. Not the Martial Path, but another one, a Path dictated by my Dao which I can only define as freedom. This much I know, but I am compelled to seek out the details of my new Path, for reasons beyond my understanding. Probably because Im neurotic like that, but also because I feel like if I go in blind, then I am destined to fail, since I was never all that good at adapting to circumstances on the fly. I need a plan, or at least a general outline of what to do next, and that means I need to make sense of this madness, or at least enough sense so that I feel brave enough to move forward from here.

So.. whats changed since I affirmed my Dao?

Balance has changed, or rather my perspective on Balance. Originally, I saw it as a fixed state to strive for, an established foundation of unshakable emotional stability wherein I could emote without being overcome by them. Im not talking about the Empty Balance I strove for in JiangHu, the Balance of nothingness and abandon I erred in reaching for, but rather a Balance of Oneness in which every emotion is kept in its rightful place, or failing that, a Balance of immediate disregard in which I shutter all my emotions for the present time so that I can better control my Chi. Oneness was what I aimed for, immediate disregard is what I usually accomplished, but the end goal was always to create a perfectly Balanced system capable of regulating my emotions accordingly, matching a negative to a positive in order to stabilize, minimize, or even neutralize the effect said emotions would have on my mental state.

A flawed Balance, I see this now, because this is not a Balance within mortal means. This is the cold Balance of emotional regulation, not quite the same as the Eternal Emperors suppression and disregard, yet every bit as dispassionate and detached. A calculated Balance of positive and negative, which makes sense from a scientific and mathematical perspective, but not an emotional one. What is the opposite of love? Hate? Apathy? Sorrow? Fuck if I know, and it only gets more complicated from there. There is no algorithm I can adhere to in order to perfectly Balance one emotion with another, no perfect mathematical equation to provide me with the answers needed to maintain this scientific take, meaning this sort of Balance is great in theory, but falls woefully short in actual practice.

Even if it were theoretically possible to achieve this Balance, it would be practically unattainable for any human in existence. Though we like to think of ourselves as higher beings, all the facts point towards the same conclusion, that humans are creatures of emotion, full stop. We are compelled by it, bound to it, driven to seek it, and defined by it, to the point where a person who lacks the qualities of compassion and mercy would be labelled as inhuman. Granted, in the pursuit of Divinity and the Dao, it would make logical sense to strive for becoming more than just human, more than a creature of base emotion, but one of logic and reasoning unaffected by emotion. This is the rationale behind the Eternal Emperors suppression of emotion, but he is not the only one to pursue the Dao in this manner. Zhen Shi tried to do the same, treading the Razors Edge to indulge in emotion so that he could inure himself to it and rise above and beyond emotion, like building up a tolerance to emotion until it would no longer affect him. The Brotherhood shares a similar philosophy, in viewing the Three Poisons as the root of all suffering, so if they are able to sever all their earthly desires, they believe they will then be freed from the shackles of emotion and in turn, the cycle of Reincarnation as they ascend to the next plane of existence.

At first glance, all three of these Paths appear to make perfect sense, for they all lead to a form of Balance in their own ways, yet I cannot help but feel like theyre all wrong. Not just for me, but for humans in general, because while these forms of Balance are technically possible, they are ill-suited for the human condition. Like I said before, when taken to the extreme, someone who has perfected any one of the aforementioned forms of Balance would no longer be human, and I dont mean in a mortal versus Divinity sense. Im talking about in a sense of human versus inhuman, because someone in complete control of their emotional state would be more akin to a robot than anything else. Its like the all-too-common trope where humanity runs into an alien race that doesnt understand emotion, and though they appear superior at first glance, their lack of emotion holds them back, so in the end, its the emotional humans who save the day. Maybe its illogical, but I feel like emotion is part and parcel of the human condition, so even though I seek to Ascend to Divinity, I value my humanity too much to ever give it up, because even though I am plagued by my emotions, they are also the best part of being human.

If I were to sever all emotion, why would I still care about the conflict in Shi Bei or the people near and dear to my heart? Id be no different from the Eternal Emperor and Zhen Shi, psychopaths incapable of empathy and indifferent to the suffering of all, or the Abbot who strives to do good out of some theological sense of karmic Balance rather than for the sake of morality itself.

In archaeology, one of the earliest signs of a civilization in a culture is evidence of a broken bone that has healed. Why? Because a broken bone requires about six weeks of rest to heal. In the animal kingdom, this means a broken bone is almost always a death sentence, since this is six weeks in which you cant run, hunt, or even get up to go to the local watering hole for a drink. As such, you are destined to either become food for your predators, die of thirst or starvation, or succumb to your wounds due to lack of proper rest and treatment. A broken bone that has healed however, means that another person took the time to support and provide for the wounded while they healed, rather than abandoning them to their fate. Sure, maybe logic and facts dictated that it was more profitable to support their wounded comrade than leave them to die, but Id like to think that the first mended bone was the result of love and compassion. This isnt to say that animals are heartless, because they arent, but emotions are not the pitfall that the Eternal Emperor and the Brotherhood make them out to be, nor are they all bad like I sometimes like to pretend.

And so here I am, studying my own emotions in an effort to discover what sort of human Balance I should strive for in my pursuit of Divinity, a decision that might well mean the difference between ultimate victory or defeat.

To be honest, I know the kind of Balance I want, I just dont really know if its possible for mem nor am I able to wholly describe what it actually entails, or know how to go about achieving it. I want the sort of Balance Buddy has, where hes so in tune and enthralled by his emotions to the point where he can be ecstatic and excited to be having a treat despite being embroiled in a bitter fight for his life. Its not that hes unaware of the danger as he hides between the Old Wolfs to wait until its safe to strike, nor is he wholly ambivalent to the threat to his life as his little heart pounds away in his chest and he pants up a storm, but while those emotions are no less palpable than his glee and gluttony, Buddy focuses on what he feels is most important without being overly burdened by the rest. I dont know how he does it, shunting those unwanted feelings aside without suppressing or ignoring them, but letting it all play out in the background while he focuses on the good bits, on the satisfaction of stuffing his face, the warmth of a full belly, the accomplishment of the hunt, the camaraderie between him and his new hunting partner, and the thrill of rising to the challenge and emerging victorious time and time again. This is a form of emotional surrender without struggle, and a stalwart struggle without surrender too, a paradox of quantum states in which Buddys emotions are perceived without influence, expressed without engagement, and experienced without any change to his overall disposition.

Or maybe Im overcomplicating things. Maybe Buddy is just feeling happy and excited because those are the strongest emotions present, stronger than his fear, concern, sorrow, and everything else combined. I dunno. Either way, even after seeing his behavior and sharing in the experience through our bond of emotion, I have no idea how Buddy can immerse himself in so much joy without becoming Unbalanced. If I were to give myself over to any one emotion like he does, I would lose sight of Balance in the blink of an eye, rendering me incapable of driving Chi or Heavenly Energy through my Spiritual System to do anything of note. My emotions might well drive the Energy of the Heavens to some effect, but it would be wholly outside my control and determined by emotion alone, yet Buddy is more than capable of Orating, Deflecting, and Devouring among so many other things whilst immersed in the sheer joy of this very moment. Everything I know regarding Balance tells me this should be impossible, that Buddy has tilted the scales too far in one extreme to be able to control the Energy of the Heavens, and yet there he stands in perfect Balance despite what his shared emotions would indicate.

I want this Balance, an unregulated, organic Balance that just comes so naturally to Buddy, without any need to struggle or surrender. All he needs to do is exist, and he is in Balance at any given time, even now on what might well be the happiest day of his life as he Devours the fifth Demon of the day with great relish and delight. I want the freedom to immerse myself in emotion, whether it be joy or depression, love or hatred, rage or contentment, or any other emotion which runs the gamut without having to worry about the consequences. Though the Balance of Oneness seems like the mathematically perfect answer, I just like Buddys form of Balance so much more, while the Balance of immediate disregard Im accustomed to just seems so fucking exhausting after having seen what other options are out there.

Alas, Buddys form of Balance is not for me, but I have no alternative to try. I dont want to put my emotions aside anymore, because thats just a temporary solution, leaving those emotions for future me to deal with since I cant be bothered to deal with it now. Yes, its stupid, and yes, it's worked so far, but I know in my heart of hearts that if I tried to Ascend with the Balance Im so familiar with, I would fail because the weight of my disregarded emotions has grown too large. This weight is what drove me to such extremes in JiangHu, which almost resulted in disaster as I tried everything I could to abandon this life short of actual suicide. Thats not a healthy way to deal with emotion, but this is all I know.

Since Im unable to put numbers to emotions, Ive turned to colours instead, which is why Ive been parsing through all my current emotions in an effort to organize and colour coordinate them, because maybe then I can find a pattern and figure out how to emulate Buddys form of Balance in a more palatable, human way. Try as I might however, I make no headway in my investigation, because I am a man who spent two lifetimes embroiled in conflicting emotions, ones I tried my best to ignore, suppress, or just plain deny as much as I could until they became too much to ignore. Im not great at allowing myself to feel emotions, not like how Buddy does it. Dad too, now that I think about it, who is emanating an Aura of passion, excitement, defiance, and general contempt as he gives himself wholly over to the thrill of battle which has been the love of his life for so long. In many ways, his form of Balance emulates Buddys, though not taken to such extremes, and it is only now that I realize I can parse through Dads emotions as well. Not just from his Emotional Aura, kindled in a moment of need thanks to a small gift of usable Heavenly Energy from Buddy, but rather from a more intimate source, for his emotions are being broadcast through not only his Aura, but his actions and expressions as well.

Which means that my past lifes memories are a part of me, but their existence can no longer define me.

The truth is, ever since I awakened to my past lifes memories, Ive struggled to find myself and always wondered why I am the way I am. I saw my arrival as the coming of the destined hero, someone destined for greatness, because if not, then why was I brought here in the first place, with memories that only plague me with how much better life could be? The problem is, I wasnt brought here. I was born here, and I desperately wanted to be the hero, to have a purpose in life, to have a reason for survival so I could feel less guilty about killing my brother, but its high time I faced facts. There is nothing special about who I am or how I came to be here. Im the dude playing another dude, disguised as another dude, with maybe a fourth dude hidden in there somewhere. I dunno, its all very complicated, but I can say for certain that I wasnt summoned here by the Mother or the Will of the Heavens, fated to right all wrongs and bring Balance to the world. I mean, why would they even bother? If there was a deity out there with the power to pluck my memories and personality from my past life and transplant it into this one, all in order to play the foil to the Eternal Emperor and bring Balance to the world, then why wouldnt said deity just handle this shit themselves? Why would I need to spend so many years suffering and struggling just to clean up their mess?

My defiant contempt spills out into the world around me, lifting a weight off my shoulders I never knew was there. All this time, Ive been setting myself up as the hero of the story and waiting for the Heavens to come rescue me, but no more. Now, I must take matters into my own hands and define my own fate. So what if the Heavens wont help me? They never helped me before, never rescued me from my father or whisked me away from the slave mines, never comforted me when I cried, consoled me when I was hurt, or guided me when I needed it the most. I wanted to believe in a higher being, but I was never given any reason to, so whether the Will of the Heavens exists or not, I shouldve never been counting on it the first place.

So yea. Even if there is a Heavens, Mother Above, or some Deity on high is looking down on us from another plane of existence, they can go fuck themselves. Ill figure this shit out on my own, thank you very much, and then Ill do whatever the hell I please, because fate aint got shit on me.

Having found some perspective on things and my resolve within, I gather up the emotions Ive identified and so many more I have yet to parse through and surrender myself to them in full. It doesnt matter if I have yet to define my Balance, because so long as I hold fast to Balance and trust in myself, then I will have done everything I can and given this effort my all. Thats all I can really ask for, all I can reasonably demand, because at the end of the day, I am still human yet, and I will remain human even if I should Ascend to True Divinity. Its as simple as that, and more complex than I could ever imagine, but the only thing I have to remember is to remain true to myself.

Crippling depression, suffocating anxiety, paranoid delusion, willful ignorance, and awkward humour, by these powers combined, I am Falling Rain.

A brief moment of amusement does much to relieve the tension in my chest before a deluge of emotions washes over me and I parse through them all at once. Joy, rage, hatred, love, lust, despair, and more. The colours come together in a jumbled vision of gaudy hues, a giant mess of vibrance and dreariness which threatens to drag me over to Imbalance, yet I do nothing to stop it. This is my nature, a sensitive person who feels emotion too strongly, which is why I avoid them as much as I can. A source of so many of my woes over the years, my inability to just turn off my emotions or let them go. Why should I care about what some random stranger thinks of me? Yet one awkward encounter with said stranger will haunt me for two lives, because I still cringe when I think of the time I said, You too, to the waiter who brought me my food and said, Have a nice meal. I also fall in love easily, but I love fiercely too, without holding anything back. I have so much love to give, I could love a hundred floofs or more without even coming close to my limits, and while I still feel like an asshole for falling in love with so many women, I know I will do everything I can to ensure they know they are loved and hope that it will be enough. I empathize with the beggar I pass on the street, sympathize with the overworked slaves who are mistreated and abused, commiserate with the woes so many people suffer and share. If I see an injustice in the world, I cannot just sit idle and let it pass, because then I will feel like Ive failed as a person, because a good person would lend a hand to those in need.

This is why I fear emotion, because I am too easily compelled by it. Starving kid in the streets? Better feed the whole city. Crippled Warriors without access to healthcare? I should teach everyone how to Heal so they can regrow their own limbs. Slavery and inequality ingrained into the very nature of the Empire? Best plant the seeds of bloody revolution and provide the tools necessary for the working class and slaves to succeed. The Defiled are running rampant in a province Ive never been to? Well, Im ready to sally forth and lay my life on the line to go save them all, even though no one wants me to and no one will reward me for it.

What can I say? Its a sickness really.

This is why I avoid meeting people and making new connections because, I lack the energy to keep up with all my emotions. Avoidance is no longer possible, and hasnt been possible for a long time now, so its high time I took Charoks sage advice to heart, delivered so long ago when I first stepped foot on the Martial Path.

I cannot let fear and my other emotions control me. Instead, I must take control of my emotions, without closing myself off from them.

This is my Dao, the Dao of absolute freedom, freedom even from the Heavens which might otherwise dictate my fate, the freedom to live my life as I so please. Yes, I bind myself in chains of emotion, but I accept those chains freely, for they are no true chains, but rather the benefits of being alive, for life would not be worth living without the people I love and cherish. Thus, even laden down with chains of empathy and obligation, I am still free, for my fate is still my own, one I will forge in pursuit of the truth and in search of answers to questions which might well never be answered. The end goal isnt important however, nor will the possibility of failure prevent me from trying, because life isnt about the destination, but rather the journey you take to get there.

Balance is truly a concept humans are ill-suited for indeed, and I myself less suited than most, but what works for one might well be impossible for another, which means I need to find the Balance most suited for me. Having gathered so very many different colours of emotions, I still have no idea what form of Balance I should strive for, but the lack of knowledge or understanding means nothing to me. All I can do is allow myself to feel my emotions and act according to my Will, one guided by my morals and integrity, with a hefty helping of input from my guilty conscience and personal views on justice and honour.

This is my Balance, one steeped in emotion and driven by it, yet kept in check by the human concepts I hold so dearly in my heart. The Dao of dont be an asshole, which is far more difficult than it sounds. I must remain true to myself and my morals, uncorrupted by power, wealth, lust, and who knows what else, for I have seen what happens to those who lose their way, like Zhen Shi, the Eternal Emperor, Wisdom Vyakhya, the Confessor Goujian, his Disciple Han Bo Lao, and so many others. Monsters arent born. They are crafted by the trials and tribulations of life, so if I am to remain true to myself and my Dao, I must gauge each step with the utmost care and consideration in the years to come. Simple and reasonable though my Dao might seem, there are an infinite number of complexities to navigate through, ones which I can only trust myself to find the best way forward, with help from those I hold near and dear to my heart. There will be many mistakes, but those too will become a part of my journey, because so long as there is life, there is hope.

Firm in my conviction though I might be, I find my Will wavering as I struggle to encompass the entirety of my Dao in one, simple concept, something to hold firm in mind as I surrender and struggle to Ascend. My Dao of freedom is of all emotion and none, steeped in logic yet could function entirely without, a Dao which allows me to surrender control to emotion or be controlled by it without ever losing sight of logic, reason, the core tenants of who I am. All this I know in my heart, but it is too complex and indefinite to keep in mind all at once with even a modicum of certainty, for there are just too many variables to keep track of.

That is until I gaze upon the jumbled mess of emotional colours and find Insight in a memory from my past life, a symbol which applies so well to this dilemma of mine.

The various colours of emotions come together in a circle, forming two teardrop-shaped pools of black and white. Side by side and together, yet separate at the same time, with a single dot of white in the black, and a single dot of black within the white. Despite the apparent lack of colour, I can sense within those pools of black and white the entire rainbow of emotions, melding together not in pairs or opposites, but rather as one, massed conglomerate of stable sentiment. This is not about good or evil, the Mother or the Father, Heaven and Hell, positive and negative, or anything like that, just all emotion and no emotion, all logic and no logic, all colours, and none. A Yin Yang symbol to represent my Dao, which is a little derivative and on the nose, but it enables me to focus my Will and reach out and grasp the Balance I seek. Not the Balance of complete surrender that Ive seen in Buddy or Lin-Lin, nor is it the indulgence Dad and Alsantset have embraced. It shares similarities with both of the aforementioned concepts, as well as Yans Balance of struggle, Milas Balance of affirmation, Li-Lis Balance of single-minded determination, and Luo-Luos Balance of obligation and empathy, yet is entirely different as well. There is no math to this Balance, no scales to depict parity or equilibrium to maintain, no emotions to suppress or ignore or be wary of expressing. There is only a natural harmony of emotion for me to settle into like water settling into the lowest possible state. A much more simplistic form of Balance than the ones Id envisioned, yet also infinitely more complex, because there are no rules to adhere to, no guidelines to follow, no goals to aim for besides Balance, one of Yin and Yang, of black, white, and all the colours and emotions in between as I follow my hearts desires without ever allowing myself to be controlled by them.

The Balance I seek is a human Balance, a mortals Balance, one I am unable to wholly define yet is so natural and comfortable it can only be right, for it is wholly in accordance with my Dao, which is why it is so well suited for me.

Here in the throes of my newfangled Balance, I am finally ready to take the next step, because only now do I understand what I must do. I must cultivate, must nurture the truth, not merely the truth of the universe, the Laws, the Dao, Balance, the power of Creation and Destruction, or anyt of that other cool stuff. What I must cultivate is the truth of who I am, what I have set out to accomplish, and how I mean to achieve my goals, because how can one hope to understand the Dao without first understanding ones self?

The Energy of the Heavens surges through my body, mind, and soul as I surrender and struggle before it. Directed by my Will, the barrier between me and the Heavens comes apart as I Shatter the Void in full and finish what I started earlier today in Meng Sha, but stopped out of fear and lack of preparation. Only now have I become One with the Heavens in truth, because before this very moment, I was not yet ready, and now I am. Its really that simple, yet hides a multitude of complexities, ones I would have never solved without widening my perspective. Having committed myself to Ascend without fear or hesitation, I keep in mind the heavy consequences of failure and give the Heavens no choice but to concede before my Will as they surrender their secrets for my review. No longer do I recognize their Authority, for now I will now forge my own Path to bring me to the pinnacle of my Dao.

The Energy of the Heavens continues to surge around me, but I remain undaunted and bend it to my Will, no longer afraid of any Spectres or calling down the gaze of the Father because I am firmly in control. Visualizing my Intent, I embody my greatest desire to save the people I love and become the hero Id always dreamed of being. One raised not with the support of the Heavens, but in defiance of them, for there is no all-seeing authority watching over us from above, only a natural phenomenon which I now harness for my own use.

I am the surging tides of the endless seas, the eternal winds of the stormy skies.

I am the all-consuming blaze of the smouldering forge, the unyielding meteor which pierces the Heavens.

And as I take this next step along my Path, I pray to whatever higher power which might be listening that this will be enough.

Chapter Meme 1

Chapter Meme 2

Chapter Meme 3