Volume 1 - CH 8.2

Chapter 8 - Suffering (Part 2)

We entered one of the family restaurants and ordered from the menu.

I thought my stomach couldn't take it after swimming for so long. But strangely, my stomach felt very hungry when I saw the menu.

"After swimming, it seems like it would be good to eat curry. What would you like to order?"

"You already know that I don't like curry, right? Rice with such sticky soup, I can't eat it."

"Ah. Come to think of it, it's been a long time since I ate with you."

"It does seem that way. You see, I've been with Seiran most of the time since middle school."

Up until then, we hadn't talked about when we were with Kazumichi and the others.

"Do you want to invite Seiran as well? He seems to be free."

I started to take out my hand phone, but Shintarou stopped me.

"No, no. It'll be harder for me to say it if Seiran is here."

"Oh. Right, you said you had something you wanted to discuss with me."

"Yes."

Shintarou was confused.

"What is it? Is it very difficult for you to say that?"

"I see. It's a very difficult thing for me to say."

At this rate, I can't force him to hurry.

Shintarou seems to be thinking about it a lot, so I'll wait until he opens his mouth.

When our order of curry and zarusoba arrived, Shintarou finally made up his mind.

"This... Junya told me during the fireworks. "When people fall in love, it's inevitable, and it doesn't matter if we all have girlfriends.

"Oh. I told you that."

"Then... you know. I'm the one who's been friends with Junya the longest, and I know best that Junya is someone who really values our group relationship as friends. But..."

What the hell is this situation?

Could it be... a romance?

I have teased him about this in the past, but apparently, Shintarou has fallen in love with someone in the circle.

If so, that person must be──Asagiri-san?

I like Asagiri-san too, but I never wanted to confess my feelings to her.

For example, if Shintarou and Asagiri-san like each other, I will support them.

"It seems I'm in love with Narushima-san."

"Eeeh, it's her!?"

I shouted reflexively.

Honestly, that possibility hadn't crossed my mind at all.

"You're so surprised? You see, Narushima-san is brave, humble, and very feminine... Well, there are many other reasons. The point is, I think she's an interesting girl..."

No, no. That's just her cat costume.

Her real character, she's a demon, she's got an asshole mouth, she's kind of rude, scary, and she's a sadist who likes to tease me.

But nobody knows that except me.

It's true, if you just look at her face, she's really cute... Her boobs is also big.

"I promised you at the Fireworks Festival, right? If I find someone I like, I'll tell Junya. So... actually, I've been keeping this a secret for a long time, and I'm telling you the truth..."

"Ah, I see."

But, Narushima-san────

"But she seems to like Seiran, right..."

She ended her words with that sentence, as if she already knew what I was thinking.

But she doesn't have any proof yet──No, maybe she just doesn't want to have it, and I heard it directly from Narushima-san.

And when our summer plans were over, she said she would confess her feelings to Seiran.

"Hey, Junya... Do you think it's better if I don't confess my feelings to Narushima-san?"

"If that..."

If Shintaoru expressed her feelings now, I don't think it would go well.

I can only imagine that he will be rejected, and then he will be so heartbroken that he will be depressed.

Also, if Narushima-san leaves the circle after that, Shintarou will really blame himself and say, "It's all my fault," even though it's not his fault.

So I said.

"I understand your feelings. And if you're going to express your feelings...well, I think it's better if you don't."

These words came out of my mouth.

Shintarou continued to stare at me and finally lowered his eyes in disappointment.

"It seems that way. It seems that I...can't possibly express my feelings."

I didn't say anything after that. I couldn't agree with it, but I couldn't deny it either.

Although I knew that it would be very painful for Shintarou if I remained silent at that time.

It's not that, Shintarou. I really, really wanted to push my best friend's back on this.

But Narushima-san has already decided that she will confess her feelings to Seiran this summer.

So if you confess your feelings now, I know it won't go well. Even so, I can't hold you back...

Of course, I can't say that with my mouth.

Shintarou and I both fell silent, and we didn't even touch the food in front of us.

I really don't know what happened to us.

Although our relationships were all friendships, feelings of love could happen.

If that's the case, maybe our relationship won't last as long as it did before.

But even though we understand that, there are still some of us who fall in love.

It's called growing up.

It seems that I'm the only one who remains a child.

◇

"I'm bored..."

After saying goodbye to Koga-kun and Tanaka-kun, I talked to myself.

When I'm alone, I feel very bored──I've known that for a long time.

And when I'm with friends, it feels fun──and I didn't know that for a long time.

The five of us had a takoyaki party, watched anime together, played in the water, bought yukata together, and went to the fireworks festival together.

These are all memories that are very precious to me.

Even though I myself was surprised when I made friends and the fun day I had always thought about finally arrived.

"Ufufu."

I laughed to myself.

Next we're going to see fireflies together, and I'm really looking forward to that.

I'm so grateful for Koga-kun's brilliant idea.

Ahaha... I've been teasing him a bit too much lately, so I feel sorry for her. Oh yeah, when I think of Koga-kun, I think of Honoko-chan.

Honoko-chan is free or no...

If you call it boredom, I felt more like loneliness, so I picked up my hand phone and tried to call her.

"Hmm~It's really great that I got a call from Yoru."

"Yeah. Are you busy right now?"

"Hmm? Not at all. I'm thinking of things to do."

..............................................

I changed trains and then came to visit Honoko-chan's house.

This is the second time I've come to play at her house.

The first time was before I lived alone, and she made me come.

Honoko-chan and I go to different junior high schools, but we get off at the same stop, and our parents' houses are pretty close to each other.

When I came home from school, it was like she said, "Come over to my house," but in a pushy tone.

She was always enthusiastic and optimistic, and from the way she walked, I think she was a bit like Koga-kun.

I don't know if the others realized it or not, but as far as I know, the first person to respond to Koga-kun's invitation to play was neither Seiran-kun nor Tanaka-kun, but Honoko-chan.

When the takoyaki party came up, so did the plan to see the fireflies.

Even though she looks like an adult, she always seems to act like a child, for whatever reason.

Maybe she really wanted to have fun and do something stupid with the others. I can understand such an impression.

Not long ago, Koga Kun said, "It suits you well," and I don't think she was lying.

Really, I think it suits her.

If Koga-kun goes out with Honoko-chan, I think they'll definitely be a good match.

"Would you like some coffee?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Then she went out of her room to make coffee.

Then there was a loud noise from behind the door.

"Eh!? Onii-chan, did you eat my cake!?"

"Sorry, sorry. I'll buy it again."

Honoko-chan has an older brother. They seem to get along very well.

Actually, I didn't want to get along with Honoko-chan at first.

When I entered high school, I was in a class with a very mature-looking person named Seiran-kun, and I thought, "Ah, she's really my type. Later, I joined Koga-kun's group where Seiran-kun was present.

When I was thinking about how to get closer to Seiran-kun, Honoko-chan joined the circle.

"It looks like three punks dragged a weak girl into the circle, doesn't it?" I said.

But if the number of girls increases, maybe the competition will increase even more.

When I think about it, I don't want to get along with Honoko-chan.

I feel like I'm a bad girl.

However, I'm still a creature who always puts love first.

So when I was first invited here, I emphasized it to her.

"If we like the same person, I'm the kind of person who would unhesitatingly grab a boy instead of maintaining my friendship with a girl."

Usually, when I say this, the other girls will look unhappy. Then they keep their distance from me.

I've experienced this many times since middle school.

But even so, Honoko-chan said this while laughing: "Ah, it turns out that Yoru is the type of person who prioritizes love matters over friendship. Well, that's impressive. In that case, I'll be your opponent as well."

After that, when I told her, "It looks like I'm going to confess my feelings to Seiran-kun," he said, "In that case, forgive me if I liked her until then."

I've never met a girl like that before, and I have a good feeling about her.

The thing is, she doesn't look at me with a bad eye, but she accepts my thoughts that are like this. On the contrary, she made me, who was nervous, a little calmer.

She was very cheerful, interesting and funny.

I think she's my first good friend right now.

I'm not very good at getting along with friends, so I rarely contact her.

I hope I can keep in touch with her from now on.

Even though I feel this way, I think it's thanks to everyone.

"Sorry to keep you waiting~"

Honoko-chan returned with a tray and two cups of coffee.

"Sorry, there were cookies too. But my stupid older brother ate them all."

"Ahaha... No problem, no problem."

Then we spent the time chatting at length.

We looked at various photos and videos, and most of what we talked about was about the five of us.

Like asking Tanaka-kun to watch anime together again, or about the beautiful fireworks display at that time.

"Oh yeah. I remember the fireworks."

Honoko-chan's face turned a little serious.

"Hmm?"

"Yes. Back then, you said that you would confess your feelings to Seiran. Have you decided when to do that?"

If I remember correctly, I haven't told Honoko-chan yet.

"After we watch the fireflies together. I think I'll confess my feelings then."

I already told Koga-kun that I don't know if it's love or not.

But there's no doubt that Seiran-kun is my type. I like the mature type.

And I thought I could fall in love with a guy like that.

Yes, it would be more accurate to say that I'm crazy about him.

I would only chase after the image of "him", and I would only look for pieces of "his love".

So it might take me a long time to understand the true meaning of love.

I'm sure that after I try to date an adult like "her" and go through a lot with her, I will definitely understand it.

The half-hearted feelings that I felt would disrupt our group, I honestly felt that it would be bad.

Even so, I said to myself.

"Hey, Yoru. About that declaration of love you said earlier, you told Koga-kun about it before, right?"

"Huh?"

I did tell Koga-kun.

But now, for some reason, I'm very curious as to why that name suddenly appeared.

"I heard everything during the fireworks festival. It seems that Koga-kun is a person who really values friendship. And I also heard what caused it."

Then Honoko-chan told me about a love story she had with Koga-kun when she was in 2nd grade.

A love story where a couple forms in a group and Koga-kun is left alone.

But for me, this story...

is not a story I can easily listen to.

..............................................

It was already evening when I left Honoko-chan's house.

The cityscape, which was bathed in orange and covered by clouds from above, was now darkening.

It was as if everything described my feelings.

After telling me that, Honoko-chan said to me.

"Koga-kun also said that falling in love is not inevitable, and it's not that I want to stop Yoru from confessing her feelings. It's just that if you want to confess your feelings to someone in the group, I think it would be better if you at least told Koga-kun first. Sorry if it's inconvenient for you."

Honoko-chan really is a good girl.

But I...

Although not completely, I can't express my feelings.

After hearing that story, it seemed impossible to me.

Because Koga-kun is just like me, so I understand.

I guess he doesn't want a girlfriend just because he's not used to girls.

When I tease Koga-kun, I always make him get used to girls.

Even though I don't understand what love really means, I said, "I'll teach you how to get a girlfriend," in a pretentious tone.

But it didn't turn out that way.

It had nothing to do with 'not being used to girls'.

Koga-kun had gone through the same thing as me, and on top of that, I had just arrived at a different answer with him.

And that answer is that friendship is more important than love.

I told him repeatedly: "I don't know what kind of relationships happen in Circle."

In fact, I didn't care about circle at all until a while ago. After confessing my love to Seiran-kun, I would immediately leave the group whether it was going well or not.

I didn't want to be alone, so I just hung out with my friends. I kept doing that, and if someone left, someone else would take his place. It was that simple, but somehow Koga-kun stuck to his guns.

That's what I always thought.

But for Koga-kun, a friend is not such a simple existence. A person who saved me from loneliness, he really is a trustworthy person.

I don't have any friends yet, but I understand that very well.

Even though I understand very well that if I pursue someone's love, I will feel lonely and my heart will break.

However, I still don't understand what love is, and my feelings are only half-hearted.

Instead, I want to steal something very precious for someone who is just like me, Koga-kun.

Honoko-chan's story made it all clear to me.

"....ghhh..."

I felt sick to my stomach with self-loathing.

I'm sorry, Koga-kun... I'm really sorry...

I stood holding the electric pole and covered my mouth.

I was such a bad girl.

You see, with so many bad words coming out of me, I only realized now how worried Koga-kun was.

Just thinking about Koga-kun's feelings at that time made me want to throw up.

Still, there was a feeling in me to stay with them, even though I didn't think I deserved it.

Not because of Seiran-kun. Of course I still like him, but I don't think our "love" will develop.

So even now, I want to be with everyone, including Seiran-kun.

Without any love or intentions, I just want a group of five people with the usual intimacy.

With my first friend Honoko-chan, Seiran-kun who could always liven up the atmosphere, Tanaka-kun who was modest and always watched us from behind.

And Koga-kun, someone who was just like me in that he was left alone in the past.

He's the one who worries the most about changes in the group. But even so, he accepted my selfishness without making a big deal out of it.

...but am I still allowed to be with them?

Is my selfish and bad self still allowed to be with good people like them?

I couldn't decide, and before I knew it, I had arrived at the station.

"Huh? Aren't you Yoru?"

A group of mischievous-looking teenagers were hanging out in front of the station, looking at me.

This is my hometown, so it's very likely that I met my "acquaintance" here.

But still...

Why does it have to be at a time like this?

Because the more I look at their faces, the more I realize it.

It seems that Koga-kun and I have been living in different worlds from the very beginning.

The short-haired man in his thirties in front of me (his name is Masashi, but I don't know how to write his name in Kanji) casually put his hand on my shoulder.

"Long time no see. I was worried because I couldn't reach you recently."

"Oh, is that so? It's not like that for me."

"Ahaha~ You're still as cold as ever. By the way, how are your finances these days? I have another side job for you."

My decision suddenly appeared.

It seems like it would be better if a girl like me wasn't in Koga-kun's circle.

In the end, I decided to listen to the side job that Masashi described.

After all, no one was going to stop me.

Ever since I met Masashi in the 3rd grade, it seemed like I couldn't go anywhere with sunlight.

Yes, my life is different.

My life was different from the beginning, even long before that.

I've been interested in the magic of "love" since elementary school.

Eventually, of my own volition, I stepped into a crazy world that was different from my peers.