CH 188

Suppose, for example, there is an evil person who pretends to be a ‘good person’.

If he is by nature a worse person than anyone else, but he continues to play the good guy until his death without letting it be known, … you might say that … he was a ‘good guy’ as a result.

In other words, a lie can become the truth if you carry it through to the end.

At least, it is natural, because he is unmistakably recognized as a “good person” by other people’s evaluation.

If I follow that logic, too…, if I hide my involvement with Kurumizawa-san until I die, the result will be the same as if nothing had ever happened.

The only people who know about my involvement with her would be me and her. And if Kurumizawa-san herself does not talk about it, then it would be up to me to make the rest of it go away.

If not, it would have been nice if I could have relaxed my shoulders at least a little more. I didn’t want to kiss her or sleep with her. I think Shiho would understand if I explained the situation properly.

Shiho is a possessive and jealous girl.

But that doesn’t mean she is selfish and stubborn. I am sure that if we had faced each other properly, we would have been able to repair our relationship.

I’m sure Shiho would forgive me.

But… I couldn’t forgive myself.

I had betrayed Shiho.

Compared to her pure feelings, I felt as if my feelings were sullied.

I was bound by the chains of the past, carved with the scars of sin, and trapped in a cage of guilt.

I could no longer move.

I am overflowing with feelings of remorse for Shiho, and I can’t stop.

“…”

So, I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what to say, so I just shut down.

“Kotaro-kun? What’s wrong?”

Of course, Shiho had noticed something wrong with me.

“Are you okay? Are you feeling unwell?”

She was worried about me even though she was sicker than I was.

That made me feel even more guilty.

“No… but, um…”

I tried desperately to say something.

However, I couldn’t finish the sentence.

I was so hideous that I was afraid to say anything to her.

It’s no good.

I have no confidence in myself at all.

As a result of my self-loathing and excessive self-denial, I had become self-conscious of Shiho.

I am no longer qualified.

I am no longer qualified to be next to her – that’s what I am thinking.

Still, I desperately tried to tell her something.

Whether it was an apology, an excuse, or my feelings for Shiho,… I tried desperately to find the words to say something anyway, but in the end I was left with nothing to say.

“…I’m sorry.”

Without thinking, I almost ran away.

I was about to walk right past Shiho and out of the classroom.

But she was still kind.

“No.”

That kindness was not just ‘sweet’.

“Could you please explain what happened? Look into my eyes?”

She grabbed me by the hem of my shirt as I walked by.

Don’t run away, she told me.

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to be anxious.”

She spoke softly to me as if she was soothing a crying child.

“I’m always on your side, Kotaro-kun. No matter what happens, no matter what you do… I will be there to help you.”

You don’t know anything about what’s going on.

“Shiho…”

Why does she always say the words I want her to say?

That one phrase calmed my panicked thoughts.

“Come …, I don’t feel comfortable here, so why don’t we go somewhere less crowded?　Why don’t you tell me your story?”

Shiho pulled my hand and started to walk away.

The hand held tightly was very warm, just as it always was.