Prologue, Part 1
Have you ever heard of this? A Suicide Site?
Oh, dont give me that look, I know you have. Pretty much everyones heard of at least one these days. A website on the internet where you can find various ways of committing suicide or kindred spirits to commit group suicide with.
When I first stumbled upon this, I was deeply confused, to be honest.
For you see, I didnt really want to kill myself, but at the same time, I was at a time in my life that I didnt really want to live either, and the prospect of definitely ending my shallow existence once and for all appeared strangely alluring to me.
Because this world has done everything it could and then some to drive me into the deepest pits of darkest despair.
I am being bullied and ostracized at school, in a way thats more hideous than your standard, by-the-book physical abuse: I was being ignored by everyone, treated as if I was nothing but air. In class, during lunch breaks or when going to and back from school, I was always alone. When an assignment required us to get in pairs, I would always end up as the sole one who had no partner. Every. Single. Time.
When the number of male and female members in our class was uneven, teachers would try to pair me up with girls. You can probably guess how that swell idea was going to end up, but Im going to tell you anyway, just to kick myself in the balls some more, because at this point, why the hell not? Every one of those bitches would try to weasel her way out of being assigned to me. They did so either by saying they already made a promise to be together with someone else, or when that tactic proved to be ineffective, they would reluctantly join me only to do all the work themselves. And they did all of that without even glancing in my direction or uttering a single word. Oftentimes I could swear I saw the aura of resentment towards me manifesting itself around them physically as a form of protective armor, and comments like I feel defiled, I have to go cleanse myself with holy water or I can never be a bride now were so common that I stopped counting them after a 100th time, give or take. I thought I was used to them already, but no matter how often I heard them or in how many variations, they still hurt the same, adding more and more fuel to the brightly burning pyre of my self-hatred.
And before some of you ask that dumb question, no, it wasnt like that in high school only. It was like that ever since elementary school, where I was getting into fights with the other kids almost on a daily basis, resulting in me getting labeled as a violent delinquent. Youd think that things would get better given enough time. Well, boy do I have news for you, they didnt. Not in the slightest.
This world is a truly rotten place.
The list of my regrets was much longer than the ones relating to my familys financial situation, of course. One of them was my desire to finally graduate from being a virgin. I mean really, who wouldnt see that coming? Dying without having any experience in sex? Now that would be lame. Just like any other high school boy my age, I wanted to try doing it at least once. I wanted to know if releasing all of your sexual desire into a girl really felt as good as everyone else around me was saying.
Like that, the days went by without bringing any significant changes with them. All this time, I was on the fence about whether or not I really wanted to kill myself. After all, the thought of ending my life with my own hands scared the living hell out of me. I was afraid of the pain and of what would happen if by some miracle I managed to screw things up. And while we are on the subject, I wonder if dying is really as simple as books portray it to be: that you just close your eyes, drift away to sleep and thats it. Well, I guess that might be the case for dying of natural causes like illness or old age, but for everything else? I guess I was still too big of a wuss to test it out for myself.
I was pretty good at Kendo. It might be tough, but maybe if I put more effort into it Ill be able to make my living out of that? That certainly wouldnt be half bad if it worked.
As for losing my V-Card, all good things come to those who wait, I guess. Surely I will get my chance to get down and dirty with someone nice if I were patient. And if I officially attained the status of a Wizard first (reach 30 years of age still virgin)? I didnt give a fuck.
Having such conflicting thoughts in my mind I went on reading the posts published on the site, where I was a regular by this time. And one fateful night, my eyes fell upon a link to a post titled Before You Decide To Commit Suicide.
This is it.
A guide that is going to help me make up my mind!
This is what I wanted the whole time!